Thursday, July 31, 2008
I felt like we were just filling out forms to try and get anything once we'd decided to get a house. I would lay awake at night thinking of which houses we needed to look at next and which one would be better for us. I was torn between getting an exact picture in my mind of the place I wanted and manifesting it via the Law of Attraction, and getting a feeling of the place I wanted and Trusting God to provide it.
Yesterday the kids and I went to look at the other area again. While we were there we stopped at the top of a hill and looked east over miles of suburbia, the high rise of the commercial - touristy area and there, way way off, was my friend, the ocean. I felt a strong pull towards her. When we got back to the area that we are currently staying, I drove straight to the beach, got out of the car and took a deep breath. My soul said "thank you".
Using this very strong feeling as my guide, it is clear to me that I am happiest as a beach girl. The rest of the family loves it here too. It reflects Who We Are. So now that we are getting clear about that, a place will soon become available for us. The picture is getting clear and I Trust that it's all coming together perfectly. I feel much more relaxed about the process now.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Yesterday was a total veg day. Summer stayed in her PJ's all day and we watched movies (Summer and I laughed and cried together watching 'Little Women' again), played games and read all day. Meals were things we could put together quickly as we didn't want to stand outside in the cold for too long preparing things. I think the high got to 16 C but the wind chill brought that way down. Cary took the boys out later in the day to go to the mall to run around as they were getting antsy being cooped up all day.
Cary mentioned several days ago that he thought we should look at getting a house. Several reasons. One of those is price - to stay in a nice park is reasonable except during holidays. We have to book now for the 6 week holiday period over summer (Christmas time) as most parks are already booked. To do so, we have to pay for our entire stay - in full - by October. And, the cost of doing so, is not much different from renting a house. As we cannot predict the weather for that time, and would not be happy to stay in one place - in this camper - if we had another super wet summer, and as we plan on being in this area at least until March, it just makes sense. Then there's the benefit of having more inside personal space when the weather is not good. Or even if it's something we would like when the weather is good.
I had adapted to this lifestyle so much that I no longer considered getting a house. I had accepted the weather and just did whatever we needed to do to deal with it and ride it out. But really, this style of camper is not suitable for our size family to do this long term. Stepping outside this morning to soggy ground, even with the thick rubber mats we have around, Summer finding that most of her clothes were damp because her cabinet was too close to the wall of the gazebo, the kids watching tv and chattering next to me (I love them, but it makes it a little hard to think) has my inner being saying "ok, that's enough". It is time to move on. We would like to do this again, but with a much bigger rig. Previously when we had discussed getting a house, I felt sad about leaving this lifestyle. Now I am ready. I was concerned that I would get caught up in doing things - the general busyness that comes with having a home - and I would forget the simple life.
I'm beyond that now. The simple life has become something within me - a mindset that I can take anywhere. It's not about the way I DO any thing, it's the way that I AM. This experience has been priceless in helping me achieve this.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Thinking back on the roller coaster of angst and restlessness I've felt since late childhood, I can see how every step has brought more clarity of Who I Really Am. There have been plenty of times where I felt as though the feeling of sinking into quicksand was overwhelming though as I surrendered into that, the ground beneath me became firm and I was able to come through with new insights.
I used to think that everyone else around me had it all together, that I was the only one who felt lost, confused, without clear direction or meaning. I was afraid of voicing these feelings, thinking that others would laugh at me. I stuffed feelings down with food & other unhealthy habits, kept myself busy with work, a see-saw of partying or working out too much, later children, mothers groups, committees, shopping, etc, all things to keep my mind busy with mundane mediocrity to keep me from listening to my heart - my true guide of how I should be living.
At times I found it easier, maybe even 'safer' (for my ego), to hold myself back through comparison with others. Knowing that I could never be as 'good' as them (as creative, smart, funny, pretty, etc) allowed me to hold myself back. How silly, how sad. How happy that we are raising our children in a way that they are safe to express their feelings, their desires, their needs. That they are encouraged to follow their dreams and try lots of different things to help them discover Who They Really Are.
There were times when my heart would try to guide me. It would send me messages through books, people, movies, a bumper sticker....things that would lead me to a vague restlessness and knowing that somehow, something was not in alignment with the way I was living. I tried to be positive, do affirmations and "Bloom where I was Planted". Always looking for..for..something I didn't even know, but I knew it was something really important.
I am grateful that I knew that I was asleep and sought to find my way to being fully awake - to living in a state of awareness. I no longer compare myself with others. I know that this is MY path, that we all have a different path and that we should not try to make others conform to our way. That we need to support each other on their way to BEcoming - coming to BE themselves.
Gratitude is such a wonderful healer. Even when things are not going the way we think, it helps to say "I'm not sure why this is happening, but Thank You". Doing this helps you to see why something may have happened. Maybe you were trying too hard to force something to go your way. Or maybe you had strayed from the path that you were meant to be on and had forgotten - had not listened to yourself.
I think the thing I had been looking for was me - the real me. Releasing my own expectations of what I thought others expected from me, freeing myself from all kinds of baggage has been a long process.
Yes, I never thought all of those years ago that I could be in such a wonderful place, full of inner peace and abundance. The challenge in my life was first to realise that it was MY life, to release the limitations I'd put on myself, and then reveal Who I Really Am. Kind of like peeling the layers on a juicy piece of fruit and then discovering how sweet and succulent the inside is. The joy I feel at times is such a delight that I find myself having a little chuckle. Like I have a delicious secret. But I wish everyone knew. ...
You don't have to DO a whole bunch of stuff to live a rich live, you just have to have the courage to BE more to live a whole, abundant life.
I'm not claiming to have found enlightenment, but I know that I am on the path. I've made it to base camp 1 and as I continue on my path, I know the view will just get better.
I hope you are having a beautiful day, no matter what the weather.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Cary: "Yes Nicholas?"
Nicholas: "Can I call you Dad?"
Cary: "Yes Nicholas."
Nicholas: "Thanks Daddy."
Nicholas has very strong opinions on how things should be in his life. I think that's great. We were at a car boot (trunk) market this morning, a trash n treasure type of market. I was looking for some more pyjamas for Nicholas. I found one stall that had several pairs of pj's that looked like they would fit him. I called Nicholas over to measure some against him and he told me that he liked the blue pair with spiders on them, but not the green pair. He said in a very matter-of-fact way, "I like these - buy them for me...no, not the green ones, just the blue". The ladies at the stall thought he was very cute. Of course I agree!
We are having glorious weather here today. It's the middle of winter and we are all in shorts and t-shirts. Several days ago it was very chilly. We had to move campgrounds again and it was hard getting my fingers to work in the cold morning. We are getting very efficient at moving and it didn't seem to take long to load up. We set our outside stuff up a little differently than before and it seems as though we have more room in the gazebo.
We are back at the campground that we were at before our last move. Summer and AJ and I really liked the place we just left as we enjoyed being walking distance to lots of great places. However, it was a little noisier as it was closer to the highway, even though this park is larger and has more kids. We are on a different site to what we've been on before here. This site is really large and we are across from a large grassy area with a huge sandpit that the kids have been enjoying.
Yesterday we baked 3 loaves of banana bread and today we made a double batch of waffles. The kids and Cary have been enjoying hanging out in the warm weather and playing ball and swimming in the heated pool here. It's now over 11 months that we've been living this life. Life is sweet!
A new school term starts here tomorrow. Time to get back into some homeschooling activities. Summer wants to continue with drama and AJ wants to continue with gymnastics. Those classes plus meeting up with other homeschoolers, exploring some of the hinterland areas and taking some train trips to the city is how we plan on filling in the next couple of months that we'll be here. I hope the weather stays this nice!
Monday, July 07, 2008
I saw Dr. Keith again today. He spoke about teaching me to become a "master of negativity". What? He means becoming a master of myself so that negativity no longer bothers me. He said that most people back away from negativity which actually gives it power to grow. But if we face it, it gives it less power. In my mind, I saw negativity as darkness and me as light and saw how taking my light into the darkness would help get rid of the darkness. I shared that with him and he liked that description. Now the trick, how to hold onto my light! Dr. K has offered to teach me some techniques, but I'm wondering how much I already know. I left his office feeling deeply relaxed and thoughtful.
I've been on an awareness journey for most of my life. For most of that though, I felt as though I wasn't worthy enough to get the kind of results I was seeking. I'm over that thought pattern now and have been seeking more mastery within myself. Feeling worthy is a fairly recent development considering the length of this journey so far. Even after becoming a Reiki Master four years ago, I kind of backed away from Reiki, feeling no where near ready to be called a Master.
I think I've been feeling that I have not been living in alignment with Who I Really Am and I think that it's been this all along, more so than an issue of "worth".
In 'Friendship with God' by Neale Donald Walsch, God suggests asking one question before and after every decision in life: "Is this Who I Am?".
I feel as though I am close to living Who I Am, but need a little fine-tuning. Holding onto my light at all times will require more conscious awareness. More gratitude. Quiet time. Trust in myself, others and the whole process. Gentleness with myself, others and the whole process. And a continued commitment to health - including things I spoke about in another post - rest, sunshine, play, fun as well as exercise and foods that serve me best.
This adventure within really is very exciting!
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
While Cary was in the US, I ordered a bunch of books second hand from Amazon that he brought back with him. Mainly Neale Donald Walsch. One of the things I ordered was some little 're-mind-er cards' by Neale. The first card I pulled out when I looked at the cards was "All attack is a call for help". I thought of the recent conflict we'd experienced, that was still niggling at me (even though I thought I had dealt with it). The next day, after shuffling the cards, I pulled the exact same card! Then I came down with a very sore throat & fever. Obviously I had some work to do with my 5th chakra and communication! I was in bed for the most of two days and slept a lot or just rested. My mind was quiet and I just let my body do some healing.
Regarding the conflict, I knew that I did not need to explain myself to the woman. I am confident with our choices. It did not feel right to have pity for her either. I wished her well and wished for the help she needs to be placed in her path. If I saw her before we left the park, I was going to wish her a safe and happy trip when they moved on. But I did not see her, and that's ok. I really have let it go. And something else, deeper let go as well. I feel as though I am communicating at a deeper level in my other in-person relationships. I'm very happy about that.
In other news...we moved campgrounds last week. We didn't go very far, just about a mile north of where we were, but it gave us a chance to have a good clean up and experience a new place. Even though we'd been to the playground and fitness track near here before, we hadn't really explored much else of the place. We are walking a lot more as there is so much more we can walk to! - the library, thrift stores, a great health food store, several playgrounds, the beautiful, clean, beach with the clear green-blue water, and neat little cafes. As it is school holidays, there are some other kids in the park at the moment. Our kids get up in the morning, jump outside and start kicking a ball with other kids here, or playing some other game. They play all day, until it's dark. Last night we had a bunch of kids in our place hanging out watching a little tv. Very cosy! Summer has been having a lovely time as there are 3 girls just a little older than her that she's been playing with. I laugh when I think of people that have tried to label her as "shy". She is certainly not showing any sign of that, nor does she when she's around people who she clicks with.
Speaking of Summer, she was having a hard time staying off wheat, even though I made a bunch of yummy breads and things with flours she can have. I started looking into foods with a low glycemic index / load and she seems to be much happier having some wholegrain bread. (But I can definitely see when it's been too much for her - her mood changes dramatically.) Plus she's having lots of fruit and some low-fat dairy. While I was at the library looking for info on low GI foods, I came across a whole section on raw foods! I borrowed a book by one of my favourite authors, Dr. Doug Graham - I like his honest approach to vibrant health. Reading his book reminded me that health is not just about good nutrition and exercise. There are so many other factors to consider like rest (a big lesson for me, one that the fever also helped me to learn), a sense of purpose, connection to others, play, fun, sunshine, comfortable temperature, friendships etc. So right now, I am being gentle with myself as I continue to grow on my path to vibrant health. Grateful for all of the lessons and friends along the way!