Sunday, August 04, 2013

Being Love...

I haven't been very chatty lately. From the time I was young...11 maybe...I used to write in a journal / diary almost every day. I would write about anything and everything. All of the things that I found hard to say with my voice, would flow through my fingers. I always felt as though I could communicate much more easily with my hands.

I kept journals up until shortly after Sam was born when I didn't really have the time for them, and the need for them slowly drifted away. I found that I needed to find my voice, to be able to speak up for my children when they were too young to be able to speak for themselves, or to explain things to and for them. I was lucky to have a few really good friends along the way and I found connection that I had never had before with female friends. I had had female friends before, but not of that depth. The constant force in my life is that things change. People move, or their situation changes or I move or something within me changes.

As my children get older, they rarely need me to be their voice. I remind myself regularly, to step back, and be quiet. Other people in my life are changing, as am I. I don't feel the need to talk about it, or analyse it. I am just feeling my way through it.

I tend to simplify things...the way I live, the way I speak, and the way I just Am. My guide is Love.

I had a friend when I was aged 10-11 named Julie. She was rather confident which was one of the things that I admired about her. Someone accused her of being vain one day and she replied “well, if I don't love myself, how can anyone else?”! Wow! What an attitude! Shortly after, we both went to different schools and lost touch (so typical in my life...the constant change in friendships....but every one has brought something special). I thought about her comment often over the years and then heard other “experts” say it in their own way. How true though. I wonder where Julie is now, and how that attitude guided her life.

With Love as my guide, I find that I don't hold onto the past. I use the experiences from the past to better understand what is happening, but I can look at those things like an observer, without attachment. I don't want to talk about how I'm doing life, I just want to BE.

I feel a deeper sense of Peace...there is nothing I have to do or have. The things that I do, I do because I want to. I actually feel like I am getting more done though which is really amusing to me.  I've been very productive within the home and pursuing my own interests as well.

I take responsibility for my actions and allow others to do the same. The freedom that comes in not taking anything personally is enormous!   

Having Love guide me may seem too simple to some, but it suits me.  I don't need a list of do's and dont's, just "is Love present within me now?".  Most of the time I don't need to ask the question, but sometimes, I start to feel off-track.  If I am not feeling it, asking the question helps me on the path back.  Sometimes I need to take care of my physical body - food, water, movement, rest, sunshine.  Sometimes I just need a little space and quiet and I know that it is important to take that.

Sometimes I ask "how can I show more Love now?", which just opens a door to make that happen.  

This life can be so crazy and complicated, but I can move through it with inner calm...the Love that brings Peace that brings Joy.   So grateful!

You know what's really quite funny?  I used to think that I had to DO something to make this life special, to make my 'mark', to be noticed, to make it all worthwhile.  
I don't.  I just need to BE.

I used to compare myself with others and so often thought that I just wasn't good enough, I could never be as good as them, and that I could never be "enough".   It is truly amazing just how many people feel that too.  It's just not right.  We all have unique gifts. 

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