Tuesday, October 01, 2013

How "free" am I?

I have always liked the idea of being a 'Free Spirit'...I had often been called a gypsy as I packed my car and drove to another place in Australia, on to a new adventure.  The name seemed to suit my lifestyle which was not the mainstream way, nor a totally tie-dyed and barefoot kind of way either.  It has been my way though.

Over the years, I've wondered if I still resonate with the 'Free Spirit' handle.  I wonder just how "free" I am?

I live in a society that has certain rules and obligations that are expected of me.  I need to use money.  I drive a car.  Our family lives in a home that is separate from others.  I buy 'stuff'.  I actually like buying stuff....I like having things flowing in and out of my life.  Things that I use or enjoy for a while, then pass on for someone else to enjoy.  While it's in my life, I feel no attachment to any of it, just a feeling of appreciation for its usefulness or beauty.

I used to have a feeling that somehow it wasn't very natural or spiritual to have nice things.  That I 'should' be content with just the basic, functional items.  What rot!  Surely life is mostly about enjoying ...In Joy....  I appreciate all that I have...inside of me, and outside of me.  Again, I'm not attached, so perhaps in that way, I am free.

In this society, other people like to know how I fit into their world and they ask for labels that define what I do so that they can get a quick glimpse of me.  (One day, I will meet someone who will ask me this question before any other..."what makes your heart sing?".)  Do those labels limit me?  Only if I allow them to.  I know that I am much more than 'mother / wife / homeschooler ' etc.  I am infinite!

In amidst all of the things that I 'have to' do here, I remain free when I am acting from my heart and with joy. Some of the things are dull and / or time-consuming when I would rather be doing something more fun. However, they need to be done, so I can choose whether to do them with resentment, or to find a way to bring joy into the moment - either by a shift in my mind, or by using a trigger such as some favourite music in the background, or putting some flowers near me, or by wearing my happy colour (turquoise blue), etc.

I recently read an amazing book - 'Dying to Be Me' by Anita Moorjani.  You know with some books, you read them and know that you have gained new knowledge?  With this one, I was reminded of how much I already knew (but had forgotten)...and it took those memories to a much deeper level.  It has got me thinking about fears though.  Not big ones...I've never been afraid of death, I was always much more interested in making sure I lived a full life.  I've not been afraid of losing everything in my house...no, as long as we have each other, and our health, we have all we need.  At the moment, I am not even afraid of getting terminally ill...I would much prefer to stick around and see my kids grow up, but if that is not in the Divine Plan, then I accept that and Trust that they will provided for in the way that is best suited for them.

So if I don't have 'big' fears, do I have any 'little' fears.  ... I had to sit with that one for a while.

I asked "where do I still have or show fear?".... The initial response within was denial of any fear...the big ones are the main ones, right?...  I kept asking the question...

I was surprised at what came up.  I had a whole bunch of fears around daily health matters - drinking "pure" water, eating organic food, not using non-stick cookware, I even banned a microwave oven from our home 19 years ago.  I had told myself that I could not eat dairy and some grains.  I had created a whole bunch of minor stress around being "healthy"....to the point that eating all of this so-called healthy food had me feeling rather unhealthy.  ...hmm, interesting.  I am no longer 'vegan'...I am 'freegan', ha!  I am letting go of the little fears I had around food.  My body is cleansing itself of the fears I had created and I am healing through to a new partnership with my body, one based on Trust and freedom from the stress I was putting it under by 'having' to follow certain rules I had created.

I am still sitting with the question and welcome new insights as they come up.  One thing that I have realised is that:
                          I am truly free when I live without fear

therein lies my truth....I move forward with greater Trust and Love as I gently undo old conditionings that are holding me back from fully expressing my true Self.  And so it is...

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