Sunday, December 28, 2014

Being love...

The recent shift that I experienced a month ago has stayed with me.  I've had a stress-free December.  Life has been flowing calmly and joyfully.  Two birthdays, a road trip and Christmas all within 22 days.  I've maintained a connection with Love and have been filled with ongoing Joy and Gratitude.

I have a "big" birthday coming up next year.  Several people have asked me what I'm going to do to mark the occasion.  I don't want a party.  I have thought of maybe going on a retreat by myself for a few days.

I was thinking of what else I could do that might be fitting.  I thought about getting a tattoo...nothing big or flashy, just something simple, like the word "love" on my wrist.  Something that I would see regularly to remind myself of who I really am and what my purpose is.  Something like this:

or maybe this..

I really like this one, but it's just too big for what I was thinking:

So I was talking to Cary (who can't stand tattoos on most people, particularly females), and he asked me why I felt the need to do that.  I explained that I felt it would help undo some old conditioning and it would always be there to remind me of The most important 'thing' in every single situation, and what I want to be expressing and radiating at all times.  And reminding myself of what my essence really is.  That the petty, ego things around me, are not worth getting upset about, and leading to a deeper way of connecting with myself, others and life in general.

He asked me why couldn't I just BE that...why do I feel the need to put permanent ink on my "beautiful" body to remind myself of those things that I already know are inside of me?  Why can't I just pause and see the miracle that I already am?  Why don't I get a nice bangle or bracelet with "love" engraved onto it until I get to the point where I need no reminders, where I can just BE Love?

He would not have stopped me if I was hell-bent on getting the tat, but he asked me a question to get me to go deeper within myself.   At first, I was a little annoyed that he didn't just say "yeah what you want", but I see the wisdom in his question and I see that I do not need any 'thing' to remind me of my essence.  That maybe that 'thing' may even be a distraction and something that I relied on as a crutch so that I didn't need to step fully up to owning it, feeling it, knowing it deeply and living it all the time.  I need to stop making excuses and pretending that certain material things - even simple things - can give me the depth I am seeking.  That can only come from my heart.

I need to remember that everything that I do is (and can be even more so), an expression of love.  From taking care of myself and my family, interacting with others, all of it, ....every. single. moment.

And so it is.

Wednesday, December 03, 2014

Living Love...

I inhale love....

                  I exhale love....

.... just something I say to myself when I feel that I'm slipping into some old way of thinking.  When I'm out and about and the crowd or some other trigger has me wanting to go within and find a quiet space.  

I think I'm smiling more these days.  I know that I feel like I'm smiling inside of me more.

I am aligned with Love.

No grand displays, no major announcements, nothing flashy.  On the outside, it looks like nothing much has changed.  But oh, the delicious peace and lightness and freedom that I feel inside is just divine!

I'm finding that I'm much more aware of rote actions and thoughts that no longer serve me in Living As Love.  Petty judgements, reactions, random thoughts.  Sometimes they still appear, but they no longer feel good and they are soon replaced with a strong need to turn it around from a place of "What would Love do now?".  I get a feeling of how I would have preferred to act, and I put that feeling over the top of what just happened and aim to do it differently next time.  I'm learning.  And I'm being gentle with myself, because that's just how Love is!

I get excited doing things that would have triggered some anxiety or negative thinking in the past.  It's so wonderful to know that I can do it all's just a choice.  

Going into a crowded shopping mall, I am enjoying the music and the intention for Joy that it was created with.  I love watching shoppers choose gifts, thinking about people that they love (or at least like a bit).  

Underlying everything, I feel the steady warmth of Love.  I know that I am safe and secure,  and that's so good for my ego.  At the same time, my spirit feels free and light.  And happy.... so happy!

Joy to the world!!!

Pausing before I posted this, I had a scroll through my newsfeed on Facebook and found this, and I so agree with it:

Greater perhaps than the joy of being loved,
is the joy of loving.

Greater perhaps than the drama of seeking love, finding love and losing love,
is being love itself.
Nothing and nobody
can stop you from loving, from giving love,
from opening your heart wide,
from shining as brightly as the sun itself,
illuminating everything in your path.
Love is yours, forever and beyond time.
It cannot be taken.
It cannot be destroyed.
For it is who you are,
before you were named.
- Jeff Foster  (

Saturday, November 29, 2014

a touch of melancholy... and returning to Love

It's that time of the year again.

I am filled with memories and a little stuck on how to incorporate meaning into this most silly of all seasons.

I do not enjoy going to the shops, for the crowds of people and the Christmas music.  The music is what gets to me the most.  It's a strong connection to memories of my Dad, and to the 12.5 years I lived in the USA.  Over there, it was cold at Christmas, we had the fire going, we rugged up to go out at night to look at the Christmas lights around the neighbourhood.  It was like the Christmas that I had always seen in movies when I was in the hot Australian summer Christmas.  Yet, I always had an underlying homesickness.  Returning to Australia, I found that perhaps I had romanticized my memories.  Suddenly I was torn between two countries, slightly different traditions, vastly different climates, and the purpose of it all seemed always just out of reach.

Is this the year that I can find Peace with this season?

Today is Thanksgiving in the USA.  The first Thanksgiving that I experienced in the US was wonderful.  My new family there, having fun in the kitchen together to prepare special foods, enjoying feasting seemed so much like Christmas without the pressure and presents and drama.  Every other Thanksgiving continued that feeling, even if we weren't always with extended family.  Being back in Australia, our family still celebrates Thanksgiving with a special meal and simple pleasures.

As a mother, I feel a large responsibility to make special occasions, well...special.  Is that realistic?  When my older two were younger, I feel that I was much more creative, not just at holiday times, but all through the year.  Yeah, I'm kind of over that now and have been for a while.  It's okay, because that was what felt right at the time.  We've all changed.  Being creative was just one way of making the holidays special.  Food is another way and a nice way of connecting to the past through dishes that we only make for those occasions.  Fairy lights, holiday movies and decorating the home are other ways.

Every day feels special to me, some days I remember that more than others.  Sometimes it takes a day on the calendar such as today, to give me pause to remember.  Sometimes it takes hearing a song, seeing the sunrise, a look from a loved one.  And sometimes, it's just there, underlying every single thing that I do.

....two days later....

I've been pondering this a lot, and I think I've been looking at it all wrong!

I've been pondering a lot of things lately, well for a long time, but I keep circling back to one central theme.... Love.  And how to incorporate it into every single thing that I do.  I've accepted that it is my mission, my purpose is to Just Be Love.  I'm working on unraveling some old conditionings and looking at how I could act with Love ALL the time.  It's the 're-acting' that I'm finding to be an interesting trigger.

So I've decided to look at the holiday season from a place of Love.  Once I owned that, I felt a wonderful lightness take over.  I no longer feel responsible for creating a meaningful, magical Christmas for my children.  I know that as I do all that I do, with Love, then that ripples out and creates a calm and loving home.  With more fun and light.  When I feel Joy, it's much easier for the rest of the family to feel Joy as well.

As a family, we are talking about ways that we can give the Christmas season more meaning for us.  We are looking at ways that we can be of service to our wider community, not just by donating money, but doing things that involve our time, given with Love.  This is something that I would like to continue throughout the year, by regularly looking at new ways that we can do this.

I've designed a Love Meditation that I use every morning as I wake up, and every evening before I go to sleep.  Throughout the day, I use parts of it when I remember.  I'm creating new triggers that help me to return to living each moment with the essence of Love threaded throughout.

I'm no longer dreading going to the shops, or anything else that lies ahead in the coming month.  I'm absolutely looking forward to it all, and to creating beautiful new ways of Being throughout the holidays and other times.

... feeling so light and free in my heart...

In Joy!  xo

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

on the journey...

This came to me via Facebook.  Oh how I relate..  I've had a lot of friends come and go as our paths merge then diverge...and sometimes merge again.   I can't spend too much time looking back.

More and more, I feel a sense of urgency, of time running out.  I don't know if it's because I'm now 49 and I am aware that I could well be over the half-way mark of this time here.  I feel the need to do "something more".  Why?  Do I need to leave a mark?  No, I've done that with my children and the people I've touched.  Do I think I will be held accountable if I don't do "more" with my life?  Like I'll get to the Pearly Gates and get in trouble for fart-arsing around, not always taking this life seriously, for not being more 'normal'.

What is my "sacred purpose" if it is not to Be Love?  
...In whatever way that manifests in the moment?  

People may look at me strangely, and judge me behind my back.  That's their deal.  

Sometimes I can be with a group of people and not relate to any of their stories.  It can be like they are speaking a foreign language, but it's one that maybe I used to know.  I have at times felt alone when surrounded by other people.  But I am very comfortable being by myself.

..... I found the above post in my drafts from about six months ago and decided to go ahead and post it with just a little addition:

 I now do not feel the need to explain myself, which is something I used to do long ago.  I guess you could say that I am pretty comfortable with who I am, where I've been and where I'm going.  

I do not currently feel the sense of urgency, but I do work on ensuring that at most times, I am doing exactly what I want to be doing.  I easily speak up and say what I need or want.  I have some really lovely friends.  The weather is warm and wonderful, I'm busy doing fun and interesting things...I guess you could say that I'm happily and deeply content.


"ONE of the most significant features we notice in the practice of archery, and in fact of all the arts as they are studied in Japan and probably also in other Far Eastern countries, is that they are not intended for utilitarian purposes only or for purely aesthetic enjoyments, but are meant to train the mind; indeed, to bring it into contact with the ultimate reality.

Archery is, therefore, not practiced solely for hitting the target; the swordsman does not wield the sword just for the sake of outdoing his opponent; the dancer does not dance just to perform certain rhythmical movements of the body. The mind has first to be attuned to the Unconscious.

If one really wishes to be master of an art, technical knowledge of it is not enough. One has to transcend technique so that the art becomes an "artless art" growing out of the Unconscious.

In the case of archery, the hitter and the hit are no longer two opposing objects, but are one reality. The archer ceases to be conscious of himself as the one who is engaged in hitting the bull's-eye which confronts him.

This state of unconsciousness is realized only when, completely empty and rid of the self, he becomes one with the perfecting of his technical skill, though there is in it something of a quite different order which cannot be attained by any progressive study of the art."

~D.T. Suzuki~
Introduction "Zen and the Art of Archery"

Monday, September 01, 2014

Spring is here!!!!

I woke up at 4am today, the first official day of Spring.  So excited for Spring!  Really!  The weather has been spring-like lately, and Nicholas and I have been swimming in the pool.  We've been spring-cleaning and de-cluttering and the house is feeling light and the energy is flowing and feeling positive.

I love Spring (couldn't you tell?!).  I love the warmth, the colours, wearing light clothes, the sun shining on my skin, the flowers blooming, more tropical fruits coming in to season, lazy days at the beach, longer daylight hours...ahhhhhhhhh...

I felt like a kid at Christmas when I woke up today!  I lay in bed meditating for a while and sending love to some people.  After I got up and dressed, Nicholas and I went for a bike ride along the creek.  Home for breakfast of a delicious green smoothie...water, dates, bananas, baby spinach, kale, parsley, and vanilla stevia drops.  I've been enjoying green smoothies almost daily for at least 10 years and I always look forward to that part of my day.

We had to go out to an appointment but we left an hour early so I suggested we stop at the beach for a while....

...we ran and splashed and played, and watched the whales play out at sea...

Oh yeah!  Spring is here and I am so ready!  

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Vlog...Being a Free Spirit...

I've been having fun teaching myself how to use iMovie on my Mac.  Time to take my blog to a new level and stretch my comfort zone.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014


Do you ever get the feeling that things are about to be shaken up?  That change is close...and big or important change at that?   I feel it so close that I can taste it.  It creeps under my pillow at night and dances in my head.  Something is close.  Will I be ready?  Have I done enough?

Monday, August 25, 2014

25 August 2014

Hello again!!  Where does the time fly to?!   We've been keeping busy as usual, here's a little of the latest:

Sami got her braces taken off and looks gorgeous!

Nicholas and I walked over to where a big triathlon was taking place close to where we live.  We cheered on the last few swimmers as they got out of the water and made their way over to the bikes for the next leg.  We watched hundreds of competitors transition from the bike leg to the running section.  We were fascinated by the speed with which some of them adjusted their attire for running.  There wasn't a lot to be done, but some of them had shoes that could just be slipped on and tightened with a toggle while others had to do up shoelaces which slowed them down.  We hung around to watch the first dozen or so people cross the finishing line.  The guy in the picture below was the winner, and oh my golly...what a machine!  He just trotted over the finishing line, went over and picked up his young son and started chatting to people as if it was no big deal.  Two and a half hours of pushing his body to the max and that's how he steps over the line... Not even puffing.  Wow.   I wonder what it feels like to be that super-fit?!  

We joined a community garden!  We have our own allotment.  When we took it over, it was covered with nasturtiums, aloe vera, and grass.  Though I did find a few herbs under all of that.  I pulled out all that I didn't want, hoed, added extra soil and compost to get to the picture on the left.  Then I added some seedlings, and the photo on the right was taken today, several weeks later and after several days of lovely rain.  I've tried container gardening here at our townhouse, but I can't quite get it right.  One of the benefits of the community garden is that there are plenty of experienced gardeners around to guide us.

We've been to visit a big aquaponics farm which was really interesting.  Aquaponics is something that Cary has been interested in for a long time.  Our community garden is starting an aquaponics area though it is moving rather slowly as the local council got involved!

Sami has been enjoying doing weekly drama classes for homeschoolers.  She's starting to look at options for her future.  AJ has been busy growing like crazy!  He is just a smudge shorter than Cary, but it won't be long until AJ is taller.  AJ has been spending a lot of time exploring game technology and loves it.   Nicholas is still a vibrant little man and he likes to join me on my morning walk as he rides his scooter and chitter chats away while I keep a fast pace on foot.  I'm nowhere near ready for a triathlon though.  That's not on my bucket list anyway.   

The other thing is that I've been playing with iMovie on my Mac and having fun making movies!  I've finally decided to do a little vlogging...and it's a little, well, out of my comfort zone.  Starting this blog years ago was a bit of a leap after years of keeping my thoughts confined to my private journals. I admit to being rather critical of my writing and I have a whole bunch of posts that I have never made public.  So now I'm taking it to a new level and I am enjoying teaching myself how to use the movie making software.  

I just noticed what today's date is.  Twenty years ago today,  I accidentally went Vegan and have been that way for most of the past 20 years.  I'll have to make a little Vlog about it.  My health has definitely been better for it!

Wednesday, July 02, 2014


Cary brought back seven bows from the USA on his last trip.  Six of them are shown in this pic plus one that I had bought already.  One of the bows that he bought is a left handed one and he is going to sell it and we'll put that money into better arrows.  He got absolutely incredible deals at auctions over there.   Sami likes the compound bow style and Cary found the pink one for her.  Another is a perfect size for Nicholas.  I've picked a new favourite as has Cary, and AJ is still playing with them all but we think he's going to go with the very traditional Robin Hood style longbow.  It's a bit heavy for him  - as in the draw weight, not the actual bow.  So he's doing lots of push ups and trying to build his strength.

Family selfie!

Having fun at Movie World's Carnivale:   

It was fun to go on the rides at night time.  There were some different, southern style food stands around the place and the combination of it all....our family in the USA will understand this...I looked at Cary and said "smell that?"  he nodded and we both said "Ocean City!"  Oh smelled just like it!  (Ocean City is a tourist beach destination in Maryland, USA)

Oh yeah, let's take another selfie!

I've probably posted a similar pic before, but we get some amazing sunsets over our front yard:

Monday, May 12, 2014


...surreal is the state that I have felt after coming out of the movies in the middle of the day, or going out for the first time with my baby after recently giving birth...everything is still functioning...time didn't stand still for everyone, just me, in that moment.

And so again, as I attempt to get back to my "normal" life after receiving the phone call..."come now, your Grandmother is dying".  Ten days later, 1500km, broken sleep, ...surreal...

My 98-year old role model.  Such a strong, determined and independent woman!  She was never afraid to speak her mind or demand perfection.  She travelled the world, sang, acted, played sports, chaired committees, coordinated social events as the Mayoress of North Sydney and Newtown and entertained the Prime Minister.  She taught me how to crotchet and body surf and how to play different card games - skills that I have passed on to my own children, and that have entertained me for many hours over the years.

We often holidayed at her home in Port Macquarie, she took us to all of the local attractions, picnics, scenic drives all around the area, fireworks and parades.  Her crafting skills were incredible.  She made most of the clothes for her five children when they were young, as well as many items of clothing for her grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  She loved to garden, and knew the name of almost all plants.  When I was about 12, she gave me a little silver heart pendant on a chain.  I have worn that more than any other item of jewellery.  I've replaced the chain several times, but the solid little pendant shows no sign of it's age.  I recall that the heart had belonged to another female family member as she told me the story at the time she gave it to me.  I forgot, and asked her years later, but by then, she had also forgotten.

She was a powerful matriarch, the oldest of 11 children, with only one sibling remaining alive.  Her mother, Anne, who I am named for, had picked up and left England when she was 17.  Set sail for a far-away land and adventure (yep, I come by it honestly!).  Grans father had been born on a boat from England as it sailed into the heads of Sydney.

My Gran was still feisty up until a few days before she passed when she had a fall.  She has been an inspirational role model.  As a child, I was sometimes a little scared of her, but as I grew into my own power, I appreciated her strength, and as I watched her operate, I was filled with respect and love for this amazing woman.

Gran, I am so glad that I had a turn to hold your hand and stroke your hair as the family sat around your bed telling stories.  I am so grateful for the many hours of care that my Mum has given you, as her stories of all of the big and little moments, keep you alive in our hearts.  I am so grateful that you had my Mum, as her own way of loving us has always made me feel important and loved.

Go in Peace and Joy my and gratitude xoxo

My children spent time with their Great-Gran in those final hours, and again with her body when we all spent time saying a final goodbye.  I did not instruct them on how to behave, but I just expected that they would be true to whatever was right for them.  Their deep respect for the process and for the other family members present, was sincere and filled with love.  I am so grateful to have these amazing people in my life!

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Road trip...

The kids and I have just returned from a short road trip.  Preparing for the trip was pretty stress-free, despite it being right after celebrating AJ's 13th birthday.  Yes, we now have two teenagers!  Yay!!

I had a small bag for each of us to pack a few clothes in and said that it would either be enough, or if we needed any warmer clothes, we could go to the local op shop where we were staying.

The first five minutes of a road trip is where my brain is going through a mental check list to remind myself that yes, I did lock all of the doors and turn off all of the electrical appliances except the refrigerators, and that sort of thing.  As soon as I hit the highway, I detach from all of that and let the adventure take over!

This time, we got away a little later than I'd hoped, but I refused to stress about it.  We stopped off at an electrical shop to buy a portable DVD player.  It had been years since we've travelled with one of those.  Often we listen to audio books, or play games, or listen to music or just chat.  The last time I travelled with the children, Nicholas' anxiety was super high and the first half of the trip was awful for him.  I thought the DVD player might help to distract him.  Worked like a charm this time!

We were only away for 6 days, but it seems like longer.  We had such a great time with my family, it was sad to part.  We didn't do anything super fancy, just hung out, shared meals, went for walks, played games, and goofed around.  I hadn't seen my sister for two years!  Far too long.  The last time my brother, sister and I were all together was for our Dad's funeral.  So it was really good to get together for some fun times.

 ..and fly some kites...

...hunt for Geocaches with cousins...

...making sure we obey the rules!

...part of the view from my sister and brother-in-law's beach house "the sandcastle"...


Coming back to our house was kind of sad.  I already missed my family, and I felt no attachment to our house or anything in it.  I was ready for more adventures and connection.  However, Sam was looking forward to seeing her friends, AJ was looking forward to unlimited internet and Nicholas was looking forward to getting back to his home base.  I need to make sure that it's not so long in between visits with family.   Time is precious!

Monday, April 07, 2014


Walking is really my favourite form of exercise.  I love that I don't need any kind of equipment, just a little motivation.  I love that, even though I might walk fast, it's still slow enough to see so much beauty along the way, like these: 

I love trees, one of my favourites are the gum trees.  I found this one at the top of a hill, with the beach to the left, and the airport to the right.  Despite the airplanes going over my head, the air smelled pretty good there.

This just looked like a bit of Mother Nature's art..

Forgotten toys, left on the beach.  It had me thinking about my children and their childhoods being left behind...

I find trees fascinating.  I love the way that they weave together, different trees, sometimes living in harmony, sometimes slowly strangling each other, but each magnificent in their own way.

I found this gem that someone had painted on the path alongside the beach.  Great reminder of the nature of us.

So as I walk along, enjoying the scenery, my mind wanders and creates a tapestry of words and feelings that I wish I could capture more eloquently.  I wish I could sculpt them into something, but then that would just limit them into form.  

Coming down the hill to walk along the beach again, I smell fresh coffee mixed with the salt air and I feel so grateful to live here.  People of all shapes and sizes and ages walk barefoot, often with a surfboard under their arm.  No rushing, no crowds, no drama.  There is an energy here that transcends the physical.  Where I don't have to look or act any way except my own way.  Where I don't feel judged.  Where I!

Friday, March 28, 2014

a Letter to my Past....

Dear Past...

I am writing to express my immense gratitude for you.  If it was not for you, I would not be who and what I am right now.  That's a big deal.  We've been through a lot together....we've loved, we've lost, we've had adventures, we've been high, we've been low, we've cried, we've screamed, we've wandered aimlessly and we've pursued specific goals.  We've done a lot!  We've explored different countries, taken road trips to unknown destinations,  followed our passions, run away from our demons and known some incredible people along the way.

My clock has turned to 49.  As I enter my 50th year of this time earthside, the time has come for me to take what we have created and walk through a new door.  It's a new chapter in a juicy novel.

I take with me the products of the lessons we've shared.  The actual processes, dramas and passions no longer matter for I am moving beyond what was.

I am releasing the hold that you have on me.  I know I've worked on a lot of that over the years and this step comes as no real surprise.  This new phase that I have been easing into has shown me the residual aspects that I was still carrying.  The growth that we've shared has been integrated.  In that way, we are One.

In order for me to move forward and embrace the next phase of my life with Grace and depth and unconditional Love, I need to do this.  To shake off the parts of you that no longer serve me. You had a stubborn grip on me still, but we both knew that this day was coming.

I feel like a snake, shedding its skin, though my 'skin' is within me as well as in the Light around me.  Perhaps a better analogy would be that of the caterpillar turning into a beautiful butterfly... I've always imagined myself with wings!  The urge to do this feels as necessary as taking a breath.   I couldn't stop it if I tried, I would only get more uncomfortable the longer I delayed this.

I love you.  I embrace you with tenderness and gratitude.  And I release you.

In Joy,


Some people may think that I am finally "growing up"...I don't subscribe to that notion.  I think that I am evolving.  To me, "growing up" brings with it some sense of stability.  I don't expect that, and I don't want it either.  I like the area we live in at the moment, but I am totally open to moving somewhere else and even getting back on the road indefinitely.  I like adventure and an amount of uncertainty.  I like to play and be "like a child".  I still have a cheeky girl inside of me that wants to walk on the edge, who dances in the aisle at the supermarket, who likes to do whatever she likes.  The neat thing about getting older is that I care much less about what other people think about what I do.  It's a good place to be.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

random pics...

AJ has been doing a sailing course with one of our homeschooling groups.  He's learning on the little two-person boats and is having an 'awesome' time.  He particularly likes it when it's really windy so they can go fast!  In this picture, he is the one of the left with the red helmet on.

How beautiful are these watermelons?!

With the type of archery we are doing, we get to go on different courses on the property.  The courses weave through the bush with targets set up in various challenging places.  In some ways, it's similar to golf except there are a lot more trees in the way!  And instead of clubs and balls, we have bows and arrows...and no golf buggies.  Ok, so it's not really like golf at all.  Though our club does have a small "19th hole".  This is technically a hunting sport.  As a long-time vegetarian, I had a huge problem with the fact that some of the targets are a spray painted outline of an animal stencil.  They might be a pig, goat, duck, rabbit, fox, etc.  These pictures have an inner target painted on them which is a circle within a circle.  Those circles are my aim when I shoot and I do not acknowledge the wider design.   I do however, feel an inner primal satisfaction with this sport.  I enjoy walking through the bush with my wooden bow and arrows in the quiver along my thigh.   Yes, Robin Hood was always a fantasy hero of mine!   I appreciate the skill of the sport.  I am not going hunting and I would never intentionally hurt any animals.

Nicholas enjoys making tunes on the guitar.

Sami hanging out with other homeschoolers at Whitewater World..

Monday, March 17, 2014

This morning...this moment...

...the heady smell of frangipani's hanging on to Summer...more on the ground than on the trees.  I breathed in deeply, savouring the scent...

...the soothing Reiki music coming through my earbuds, soothing my soul as I push my physical body to walk fast...breathing deeply through my nose, filling my belly with my breath, feeling it release...

...the smiles and cheery "good morning" greetings from other walkers on the track along the lake.  We've seen each other many times and there is familiarity and warmth in that brief greeting...

....the birds, waking up, chatting, singing, ready for a new day...such beautiful sounds that I can hear over the gentle music... many thoughts...remembering lying in bed this morning, seeing the full moon still high in the sky, glistening across the water and through my open glass door, watching it's slow decent, shining light on the little man sleeping next to youngest won't be long before he will no longer want to sleep next to me when his Daddy is away...
...practical things...running through the "to do" list for today...
...pondering the nutritional book I've been reading, new information that I hadn't considered, could it be relevant, could it help this body regain some vitality? ...
...watching people head to their cars, heading out to work, no one is smiling...
...the man driving the street sweeper has thick grey hair and a bushy, long grey beard...I wonder if it's hot during the summer?...I wonder if he gets asked to play Santa Claus...he sees me and smiles...he has kind eyes, he could easily be Santa...

...quietening my mind...tuning in to the breath...this moment...this fragile, beautiful, fleeting moment...

Sunday, March 02, 2014

Trusting Money...

Early in life, I had a belief about money that there was "always enough".  That has served me well for most of my life.  When I was working and in charge of my own finances, I always had enough to pay the bills, buy a car, and do fun things.   Not "worrying" about money kept a space open for it to continue to show up.   Since being with Cary, he has mostly taken care of the financial side of life, but I still mostly kept with the "always enough" attitude.  I don't spend frivolously and I maintain a personal quest to find a great deal when we need or just want something.  Op shops, yard sales, Gumtree (the Aussie CraigsList), specials, etc...  

With Cary away,  and with me over-thinking life, I had been worried about money also.  As I found my way back to Trust that I mentioned in my last post, I let go of my fear about "not having enough money".  

Yesterday, after I had come back into alignment with my own Truths, I got a phone call to say I had won a competition I had entered randomly.  Two days ago, I had been shopping at my favourite little independent grocery store.  At the bottom of their receipts they have an entry form for a monthly drawing.  The current promotion is that they will pay your latest electricity bill.  And I won!  As we have solar panels, our last bill wasn't huge, but what they so happily gave me will probably pay for half of the upcoming car repair bill.  Even better than that though, when Nicholas and I went there to collect our prize, the owners took time to have a chat with us.  They were so interested in homeschooling and very supportive of what we are doing.  Really lovely people!   What a priceless moment of connection with other people - that's the real value in my life.  

Friday, February 28, 2014


Oh my golly....sometimes I feel so freaking in tune with myself and life that I feel I could fly!

I had been working on a post for weeks...a post about judgement, integrity and flexibility.  In an attempt to get to a place of non-judgement, I kept making some very judgmental comments and it just didn't feel right.  So I just let go of trying to write that.  It had felt so important when I first started writing, something that I really needed to do at the time.  The very process of writing, deleting, rewriting, editing, deleting, etc, allowed me to get in touch with whatever it was that I needed to process.  I got whatever I needed and I didn't need to 'finish' what I had started.  Letting go... so easy, so 'right'.  I feel so Light now!

Just like my post that didn't need to be finished, we never push our children to finish the things that they start.  We Trust that they are getting exactly what they need, and we Trust them to know when they have had enough.  What amazing tools - knowing when to let go and knowing it is okay to Trust yourself!

I had to remember that one.  Cary is overseas at the moment and will be gone for months.  Life is full and busy, but I was getting a bit overwhelmed with doing too much.  The kids are awesome and we have a beautiful flow together.  It's just that, in the adjustment time to solo parenting, I was thinking too much instead of remembering to just Be.  I wanted to make sure that I remembered everything that needed to be done, who has to be where and when, meals, housework, appointments, classes, etc.   On top of that, one of our pet rats died, the car needs work and I wasn't sleeping well.

Last weekend, my sister moved her youngest child out of home, to a University a full days drive away.  I got to thinking about how quickly this parenting phase will seem when it's all over for me.  I remember when the kids were very young.  Man, I was so tired that I envied the dead people!  I thought it would just go on and on and on...  but it didn't.  One by one, my children started sleeping through the night and then so could I!   I love the way we have parented our children!  Home-births, family bed, extended breastfeeding...all of these felt so right!  The progression to natural-learning homeschooling was, well, natural!  From the time Sami was a babe, I had a stack of books that I wanted to read to help me learn how to be a "good mother".  The thing is, I was so busy parenting, that I rarely got more than a quick flick through the book to see if there was any advice that would jump out at me.  Mostly, I parented by instinct.  Pretty much the way I have lived most of my life actually - by instinct.  "Does this feel right?"  

I feel so inspired at the moment!  I've realised that I had gotten off-course, and the agitation that I was feeling has reminded me that:

                                 This too, shall pass.  In less than 10 years, Nicholas, my youngest, will be an adult and life will be very different!  I am so happy for my kids to grow and explore and do their own things.  I am so grateful for this amazing, precious time together.  In those moments when I wonder if I'm doing enough, I just need to remember to ask myself if it feels right, do I feel connected to myself and to my family.   If not, what needs to change?  What's the most important thing right now?

                               When I get to looking at the bigger picture too much, I forget all of the magical moments happening right here, right now.  That's always where I am my best!  

                                 I need to remember to do fun things, just for me too.  So I am!  Even if it means taking a slightly longer route with the kids, just so that I can drive along the beach.  Or to head out to a yoga class.  Or to take a cuppa out the front where I can sit by the water and watch the birds for a bit.

Our family started doing archery recently.  Cary and the kids are more natural at it than I am.  I have the right form and technique, and I usually hit the target somewhere.  It's just not usually where I was aiming.  The funny thing is though, when I can totally stop thinking about what I'm supposed to be doing, then I usually shoot an amazing shot!  Kind of like my life a bit!  It's great to be back in Cruisy mode!  Everything that needs to get done, will get done...or it won't.  Either way, it's okay!

                                                            Sami (Xena)  & friend  

Thursday, January 23, 2014


Coming back from the depths of myself....

I took my blog offline for a bit as I went through a phase of rethinking everything.  Do I still want to homeschool my children, live in Australia, keep this blog...and some other things.

I realised that I had lost track of myself and that I felt, well, just empty.  I felt without direction and purpose.  As my body moves into a new phase, it's sorting out some interesting emotional sludge along the way.  What a ride!

I felt responsible for others, highly sensitive to everyone, wanting to give to others, but getting to a place where I had nothing left for myself.

I didn't even want to change it...I just wanted to ride it all the way down, and then stay there....for a long time.

However, an inner feeling started growing, started remembering the good and the beautiful and the joyful, even if I couldn't feel those things in that moment.  It reminded me to not give up, to just take a rest.  To not judge, to allow the process, to surrender.

Slowly I started to see a light, a chance for regrouping and I screamed out:


which started kicking the sludge out of the way.  I then gently whispered those questions and let them swish through me, allowing them to settle when they were ready.

I found a 10 page piece of writing that I had done several years ago, that I found amusing due to the style and content.  I found some old photos of places I've been that also inspired me.

I was open and inspiration started flowing in, reminding me, supporting me, guiding me.

I found the answer to all three questions in one word: LOVE.

That's all that matters.  The details will be taken care of along the way.  I believe that.  I Trust that.

I'm back and I feel Whole again!