Thursday, January 23, 2014

returning...remembering...

Coming back from the depths of myself....

I took my blog offline for a bit as I went through a phase of rethinking everything.  Do I still want to homeschool my children, live in Australia, keep this blog...and some other things.

I realised that I had lost track of myself and that I felt, well, just empty.  I felt without direction and purpose.  As my body moves into a new phase, it's sorting out some interesting emotional sludge along the way.  What a ride!

I felt responsible for others, highly sensitive to everyone, wanting to give to others, but getting to a place where I had nothing left for myself.

I didn't even want to change it...I just wanted to ride it all the way down, and then stay there....for a long time.

However, an inner feeling started growing, started remembering the good and the beautiful and the joyful, even if I couldn't feel those things in that moment.  It reminded me to not give up, to just take a rest.  To not judge, to allow the process, to surrender.

Slowly I started to see a light, a chance for regrouping and I screamed out:

WHAT DO I WANT TO DO???
WHAT DO I WANT TO BE???
WHAT DO I HAVE TO GIVE???

which started kicking the sludge out of the way.  I then gently whispered those questions and let them swish through me, allowing them to settle when they were ready.

I found a 10 page piece of writing that I had done several years ago, that I found amusing due to the style and content.  I found some old photos of places I've been that also inspired me.

I was open and inspiration started flowing in, reminding me, supporting me, guiding me.

I found the answer to all three questions in one word: LOVE.

That's all that matters.  The details will be taken care of along the way.  I believe that.  I Trust that.

I'm back and I feel Whole again!