I had been working on a post for weeks...a post about judgement, integrity and flexibility. In an attempt to get to a place of non-judgement, I kept making some very judgmental comments and it just didn't feel right. So I just let go of trying to write that. It had felt so important when I first started writing, something that I really needed to do at the time. The very process of writing, deleting, rewriting, editing, deleting, etc, allowed me to get in touch with whatever it was that I needed to process. I got whatever I needed and I didn't need to 'finish' what I had started. Letting go... so easy, so 'right'. I feel so Light now!
Just like my post that didn't need to be finished, we never push our children to finish the things that they start. We Trust that they are getting exactly what they need, and we Trust them to know when they have had enough. What amazing tools - knowing when to let go and knowing it is okay to Trust yourself!
I had to remember that one. Cary is overseas at the moment and will be gone for months. Life is full and busy, but I was getting a bit overwhelmed with doing too much. The kids are awesome and we have a beautiful flow together. It's just that, in the adjustment time to solo parenting, I was thinking too much instead of remembering to just Be. I wanted to make sure that I remembered everything that needed to be done, who has to be where and when, meals, housework, appointments, classes, etc. On top of that, one of our pet rats died, the car needs work and I wasn't sleeping well.
Last weekend, my sister moved her youngest child out of home, to a University a full days drive away. I got to thinking about how quickly this parenting phase will seem when it's all over for me. I remember when the kids were very young. Man, I was so tired that I envied the dead people! I thought it would just go on and on and on... but it didn't. One by one, my children started sleeping through the night and then so could I! I love the way we have parented our children! Home-births, family bed, extended breastfeeding...all of these felt so right! The progression to natural-learning homeschooling was, well, natural! From the time Sami was a babe, I had a stack of books that I wanted to read to help me learn how to be a "good mother". The thing is, I was so busy parenting, that I rarely got more than a quick flick through the book to see if there was any advice that would jump out at me. Mostly, I parented by instinct. Pretty much the way I have lived most of my life actually - by instinct. "Does this feel right?"
I feel so inspired at the moment! I've realised that I had gotten off-course, and the agitation that I was feeling has reminded me that:
This too, shall pass. In less than 10 years, Nicholas, my youngest, will be an adult and life will be very different! I am so happy for my kids to grow and explore and do their own things. I am so grateful for this amazing, precious time together. In those moments when I wonder if I'm doing enough, I just need to remember to ask myself if it feels right, do I feel connected to myself and to my family. If not, what needs to change? What's the most important thing right now?
When I get to looking at the bigger picture too much, I forget all of the magical moments happening right here, right now. That's always where I am my best!
I need to remember to do fun things, just for me too. So I am! Even if it means taking a slightly longer route with the kids, just so that I can drive along the beach. Or to head out to a yoga class. Or to take a cuppa out the front where I can sit by the water and watch the birds for a bit.
Our family started doing archery recently. Cary and the kids are more natural at it than I am. I have the right form and technique, and I usually hit the target somewhere. It's just not usually where I was aiming. The funny thing is though, when I can totally stop thinking about what I'm supposed to be doing, then I usually shoot an amazing shot! Kind of like my life a bit! It's great to be back in Cruisy mode! Everything that needs to get done, will get done...or it won't. Either way, it's okay!
Sami (Xena) & friend