I've been feeling very connected to my family recently. My own little family that is. I've let go of the feeling that I had to contribute in some financial way and am focusing on contributing in other ways that I am rich in.
I used to think that if I brought in a bit of money, that Cary wouldn't have to work as hard or much. I also thought that I would somehow be thought of as more valuable or interesting or clever if I was able to bring money in. Over the years, I have dabbled in different things that I thought might be the way to go to bring in a little extra income while still being a full time Mama. They did not bring in a lot of money, they only added to my stress level and took me mentally away from my family for longer than I care to admit.
When I think back to when I was a little girl, I loved to play with the couple of dolls I had. I couldn't wait to be a mother. I loved to play with young children and do babysitting. Then I joined the workforce and saw the recognition that can come with having a paid position. And the fun that came with the things that the money could buy.
I was 32 when Sami was born and I was ready to be a mother. I had gotten a lot of wild girl ways out of my system and I was ready to settle. Being a mother was the best thing that happened to me. It touched me deeply and I was so satisfied. Somewhere along the way as we started spending more time with other mothers, I found myself comparing myself to some of the other Mamas. For example, the homeschooling mother of 4 who ran her own successful online business and childbirth education classes who also found time to write a book. Ok, she had family living nearby and I'm sure they helped out but still..it got me thinking. Other Mamas were working from home or, I felt, just doing a better job of being a Mama. I started to feel inadequate on many levels. How long have I wasted feeling like this? I felt like I should contribute financially to the family and do something of significance to the world. I've started several websites that have never been finished or published.
I've come to the acceptance that this is not the time for me to do those things. This time in my life is meant to be devoted to the family, what could be more significant than that? I am back in touch with my strong Mothering connection including the type of Mama I want to be and the type of life I want for my children. This is where I make the most important difference in the world - in their lives. There will be time later for me to devote more time to changing the world. In the meantime, I'll do it in whatever way I can that does not detract from my goal of being the Best Mama I Know I Am. I am valuable and interesting and clever right now with what I do.
I no longer feel concerned about other peoples judgement when they ask me what I do and I tell them I am a full time Mama. But I will not say that I am "just" a Mother because I am so much more than that. I will tell them with passion that I have the Best job in the world - I am a Mother, a Wife, a Lover which all wraps itself neatly into the statement "I am Woman!". Perhaps the significant difference I can make in the world (besides the differences I make in the lives of my family which is huge in itself), is that by letting other people see how proud and passionate I am about this role, I can make changes in their attitudes. When I have extra time, I will still work on one of the websites but I won't aim to make it as big as I thought it should be before it gets launched. I'll launch it small and add to it as I can.
I am so proud of my relationship with Cary. I feel grateful to have a mate that makes me feel like a woman and supports me in being a Mother. The love and respect he shows me fills me with gratitude. I am also grateful that I don't have to get paid work because he values what I do so much that he is happy to provide that. It frees me up to focus on the areas of life that are my strengths - loving and nurturing, which are priceless. I know I have the best gifts right here in this home with these awesome people. I feel fulfilled and satisfied. Every day I have the chance to create my day the way I want it. I want it full of love and adventure and joy. And you know, you get what you focus on!
Come on 42, this is going to be a GREAT year! I am woman, I am proud...look out!