Fine Tuning…

 It’s been a while…so much has happened…but I am feeling inspired to write lately, so here we go..

One of the hardest things I went through over four years ago, was supporting my mother as a disease slowly took her life.  I have since learned that grief is not something that I will get through…it is always with me, but if I balance it with gratitude, I can move forward, even if I get stuck for a bit.

One year ago I was recovering from surgery for colorectal cancer.  At no point did I have the mindset of  “fighting cancer”.  This was something that my body had created…for whatever reason…and I chose to partner with cancer, and I would send love to my tumour that I nicknamed ‘Space Invader’.  I am so grateful for the experience, for the care and attention I received from the medical community, and for the love that I received from family, friends, and people I had not even met but who had heard my story.

When I was feeling stronger, I was trying to figure out what I was supposed to do with the pause in my life that cancer had given me.  I did not have any major insights, though I felt as though I should have.  I enjoyed the rest, as I had felt very present throughout the journey. 

I flip-flopped between going back to my work in childcare, or studying to redo my certifications in fitness so that I could help older adults and/or cancer patients, or offering massage, or some combination of all of those.  I went back to childcare, but still tried to fit the other options in somehow and ended up feeling like I was on a spiral going back and forth.

I took some time to really think about the realities of all of the options.  I chose childcare as my focus, and let go of the other options.  And it felt so good and so right.  I accept that I am a Natural Nurturer!  

Now that I have that clarity of Purpose, I am doing further study to give me more options in the future.  I like where I work - the location is peaceful and surrounded by bush land and animals, the team is the best I’ve worked with in this industry, and the children…I just feel such a heart connection.   I would however, like to open my own centre, or move to another centre that truly respects the children and has a bigger focus on creativity and play.  I have so many ideas, and my inner unschooler is dancing with joy!

Facing Reality...

 I actually wrote this on 19 May 2021..

My bathroom mirror lied to me...through its dim light and shadow, I thought that I wore a younger face.

What a shock!  Who’s that old woman?  Repelled by the image, I looked away and it was some time before I went to the window of truth to see the real reflection.  

What...what happened to my youth?  I sat with that feeling.  I accept the fact that I am 56.  I found it hard to accept looking like I was close to 60 years old.  (According to who??)

In this culture that glorifies the young and beautiful, I no longer saw myself as beautiful.  I actually don’t know that I ever really thought of myself as ‘beautiful’, but rather an acceptable average-looking person, and I was okay with that.  But I no longer saw even that.

I started thinking about places that I have been, adventures that I’ve had.  All of the times when I let my heart lead and some of the people that I met along the way.  Times when I stood up for myself, when I felt the fear but did it anyway.  

I’ve known a lot of love, and lust, and frustration, and anger, and resentment, and joy, and beauty, and adventure, and wonder.  I started feeling the amazing life that I have had.

My face, my companion through it all.  I smiled.  I’ve earned these story lines on my face.

I embraced the Triple Goddess in me.  I acknowledge my inner child and maiden, I embrace them and thank them for their gifts and lessons.  I acknowledge the mother phase in me.  Physically that phase is over and it was the greatest phase of all.  Although I can no longer give birth, I will always be a mother and that is my deepest honour.  I embrace all of the gifts and lessons that I have received in this role and I am so very grateful.

To the Crone that I am learning to be.  I can feel in me the Grandmother that I always wanted, but did not have.  Nurturing, fun, interested, kind, and so loving.  I embrace you and I take your hand.  Let’s walk this next bit together.  I am ready.

The Freedom of Timelessness...

 

I lay in bed, not feeling great.  The first head cold that I’ve had in years.  My body begging to just. Stay. Still.  My mind circling around my ‘to do’ list.  Such a habit to get up and get moving through the routine and rituals of the day.

There was a little thought....what if...we just stayed here?  

What if...we let the wisdom of the body rule, just this once?  

What if...we truly felt this moment all the way through, until the body was ready to rise?

It was tempting, enticing, a little scary.  

And I didn’t believe that it was possible.

I didn’t believe that I would be able to fully relax as there would be a hesitation...surely someone will come knocking on my door, wanting something.

I got up and got on with the day.

But that thought stayed with me, the longing of the body to just be still and quiet until it was ready to move.  Would some wisdom come to me during this time, maybe I was afraid of that?  Would I feel lazy for allowing myself that time?  

My body is aching for some deep rest.  It doesn’t have to be anything more than that.  I am not expecting any great insights.  I just need to let it Be.

I cannot remember the last time that I allowed myself to experience a moment in its natural entirety, without having a doorstop on it.

Without thinking that I need to watch the clock, knowing that someone would be needing something from me.  Without thinking that I “should” be heading home as the family might be wondering if I am okay.  Without the expectation that someone will interrupt me as that has been the pattern for so so long.  (Yes, I set it up like that. Yes, I put being a mother before my own needs.  And Yes, I would do it the same way all over again.  After 23 years as a full time mom, I’m just a bit tired.  Not complaining at all, just recognising that I need to honour my own needs.)

I was recently asked “what is your strongest memory in this lifetime?”.  

My mind immediately went to a beach that I used to go to by myself, when I was in my late teens and had my driver’s licence.  It was a very quiet, often deserted, beautiful beach on a horseshoe bay.  

I would feel totally comfortable, at peace, at One with nature and Spirit.  

I would go there and stay all day, or a few hours.  But it was always just until I had my fill and felt it was right to move on.

There I was, on the cusp of adulthood, able to just Be right there.

Is that the magic of childhood?  Being able to live in that feeling of timelessness?  I’m talking about before school days, and after starting school, on school holiday times.  Back when we could get lost in our imaginations and sense of wonder.  Before all of the responsibilities and requirements that being an adult brings with it.

How to recapture that?

Being aware of the need for that.  The Soul’s yearning for that quiet, uninterrupted time to just Be.  

Then simply allowing ourselves that freedom.  Telling our families, friends, whoever, that we simply will not be available for the next few hours / day / week.

I can do that...and I will!  I can feel that Freedom already, just in giving myself ‘permission’.  Oh we are funny creatures!

Colours and chances....

I invite more colour into my life!

I dare to be bold and take more chances!

I am not trying to recapture my youth.  God no!  That was filled with insecurity, and hesitation, and the need for chemicals to fuel my confidence.

I no longer need those things.

And I am tired of playing small to please others.

I choose to grow Bolder as I grow older!!

I no longer need approval, or permission, or even recognition.

I do things that please Me!

There is so much freedom in that!

Still a Free Spirit

A new year, a new decade is around the corner.  It’s not just that though, I’m feeling on the cusp on something bigger...new even.

Which is really refreshing as I’ve been feeling the need to hermit myself in the past couple of years.  I’ve been feeling sad, and down, and overwhelmed with life.  But I will talk more about that another time.  Because lately, I’m starting to remember who I am again.

I have a feeling of hope, and purpose.

I have ideas of where to place my focus, but there is conflict.  I feel the duality, the opposites in me.

I am Peace
I am Wild

I am Gentle
I am Fierce

I am Soft
I am Strong

I am Brave
I am Afraid

I am Flowing
I am Still

I am Tiny
I am Magnificent

I am all of this, and more!

I see these qualities in the ocean, which is probably why I feel such a connection there.

I embrace this power!

I embrace my highs, my lows.

I embrace my ebbs and my flows.

I will not fit into a box...I am free and fluid.

I am still living a Free Spirit Life!

Getting unstuck...

This feeling of feeling ‘stuck’...it’s familiar.  I hate it.  I feel angry at those around me that have caused this.

But is that true?

Does that feel good, or right?

Is that a lazy way of giving up on my own dreams?  By blaming others?

The shit gets real.

Yeah, life gets really hard sometimes, when tons of responsibility demands attention to other people and things.

What about me?  When do I get a go?

The answer....

Whenever I decide to.

Whaaat?

I can make time to go for a walk, to read or watch something inspiring (instead of numbing).
I can choose to nourish my body with nutritious and delicious food.
I can choose what to focus my mind on...love, gratitude, and peace, or being a poor me victim.
I can choose what to wear that can help with how I feel.

I can make a lot of choices, and that helps me to remember that I am actually not stuck.
There may be some things beyond my control at the moment, but there are a lot of things that are in my control.  Things that matter a whole lot.

And that’s pretty awesome!

Write, right?

Feeling overwhelmed, underwhelmed, wanting more, needing less.  

So much time in between posts here.  

In between the busy, I’m trying to find me again.  Where did I go?  

Feeling so stressed, so tired, so drained by the end of the day that I sit on the floor and watch some easy entertaining on the big black box.  

Tick tock....another day goes by, another week, month and year.  

Have I grown?  Or have I continued to flounder along?  Am I expecting too much of myself?

Has my identity been relegated to Mom / Wife / Daughter / Sister / etc?

What do I expect of myself?  What would I like my identity to be (besides those above?). 

Hmm, ... I think that I expect that I should have a bigger impact on the world.  That I “should” be doing more of something for the greater good.   I know...I’m shoulding on myself.  So maybe there’s something a bit deeper. ...

I want to be authentically me.  

I want deeper connections.

I want to help others on their healing journey, whether that’s through sharing a deep conversation, or a Reiki session, or a massage, or teaching yoga.  All of that resonates with me.

On another long solo drive to visit my terminally-ill mum,  I was pondering all of this.  I was thinking of what I could do to feel like I was staying in touch with myself, in between my necessary focus on some major things happening in my family.  

Write.  That’s what I heard in my mind.  

I’ve written hundreds of blog posts in my head in the past few years.  Time to go public again.  Time to make the time to share.  Right?  

Maybe my words can help someone else to not feel so alone, to feel more connected, to help to find their joy.  Or maybe they won’t.  

I need to stop doubting myself.  In between all of the other things, and the yoga, and the conversations etc, I just need to write.

Always, Love...

Hello Friends,

Too much has happened since my last post.  I won’t even try to catch up.

I received some very disturbing news about six weeks ago.  Processing it was consuming me.  I was giving energy to a situation that could not be changed, and the person responsible was no longer around to explain.

I felt that continually focusing on the situation was giving it energy, which was keeping me stuck in a dark cycle.

I remembered a vision that I once had, where I saw and felt the pure Love and Joy that is the essence of us all.  The strength and clarity of the vision was powerful and life-changing.  Although it had happened years ago, I could still recall the beauty and intensity of it.

So I chose to focus on the pure Love that is at the core of us all.

I chose to accept that there are some things that I will never understand.

I chose to realise that it is not my place to forgive.  I too, have missed the mark.

I chose to remember the Love.

The Love that we all are, even though we may forget that sometimes.

And therein, I found Peace.

The Adventure Continues...

About 10 years ago, I was on a walk with a friend and our children.  We happened upon an old graveyard and we took time to look at some of the old headstones.  My friend told me what she would want on her headstone.  Mostly about her children and her accomplishments.  I was happy for her.  Up to that point, I hadn't given a lot of thought to the end of my life, though I was, and still am, very comfortable with the idea that we are all on a one-way ticket here.  I know that my trip is getting closer to the end, but whether that is in 5 days, or 50 years, I don't know what is in store for me.

Perhaps it is that not knowing that keeps me living the way that I do.  To live without too many attachments; to aim to live kindly and with love; and to make life interesting.

I personally can't imagine anything worse than being put into a box deep in the ground.  I do not want any kind of marker taking up space.  I didn't explain all of that to my friend.  But when she asked what my headstone would read, I said that it would just say "The Adventure Continues...".  I believe that there is an amazing life beyond this physical one.

I am not planning on dying anytime soon, but we do have to move house.  It's time.  We have outgrown this little place, but the beautiful location has kept us here.  It does feel like we are on the cusp of a new adventure!  We have no real commitments here, and we could go anywhere.  As much as I love this area, it has gotten very expensive with the upcoming Commonwealth Games coming here next April.

Where to go though?  There are new places to consider, or some familiar places as well.  None of them feel like, well, 'home'.  For me, the only place that really feels like home, is sitting on a beach.  But the rest of the family's needs have to be considered.  I've looked at some houses and they just feel like a little box, and the thought of moving into one of them makes me feel suffocated.

We went from living in a caravan, to living in this townhouse with a beautiful lake in our front yard.  I guess that I need a place that is connected to nature.

We have lived in this area for over nine years.  I am open to staying here if the right place becomes available.  And I am open to moving to a new area as well.   Lots to do and explore!  The Adventure Continues...!!

Pointless Consumption

"In 2007, the journalist Adam Welz records, 13 rhinos were killed by poachers in South Africa. This year, so far, 585 have been shot. No one is entirely sure why. But one answer is that very rich people in Vietnam are now sprinkling ground rhino horn on their food or snorting it like cocaine to display their wealth. It’s grotesque, but it scarcely differs from what almost everyone in industrialised nations is doing: trashing the living world through pointless consumption. 

"This boom has not happened by accident. Our lives have been corralled and shaped in order to encourage it. World trade rules force countries to participate in the festival of junk. Governments cut taxes, deregulate business, manipulate interest rates to stimulate spending. But seldom do the engineers of these policies stop and ask “spending on what?”. When every conceivable want and need has been met (among those who have disposable money), growth depends on selling the utterly useless. The solemnity of the state, its might and majesty, are harnessed to the task of delivering Terry the Swearing Turtle to our doors."

Full article:  http://www.monbiot.com/2012/12/10/the-gift-of-death/


'The festival of junk'.  That might be funny if it wasn't so sadly true.

I have so much more that I want to say about this, but don't have the time right now.  I came across this article this morning, and just had to share the bit above.

I think that slowly, people are becoming more aware of what their habits are doing to the earth.  I've been doing what I can, but feel inspired to do even more.  It's just a matter of creating new habits.

My evolution...

This blogging journey has been interesting.  For me anyway.  Recently, I randomly selected some old posts and it's been interesting to read them and see what was going on in my life then.  Some made me laugh out loud.  Some made me a little sad.  Some made me smile, and some made me think "what the...?"!

I can see some patterns.  Some breakthroughs.  Some times when lessons were repeated, so maybe I didn't always "get" them to the degree that I thought that I did at the time.  Maybe life is just so full at times, that it's easy to get distracted from remembering to stay present, or to fill myself with love all of the time, or to write five things that I'm grateful for every single day.  Or whatever I think that I "should" be doing.

I had a poster of the following 'Ten Rules for Being Human' on my wall when I was a teenager.  It was near my 'Desiderata' poster.  Such wonderful inspiration to share my days with!   I have often remembered, and quoted, parts of both.  Mostly to myself.   It's number 10 on the Rules that always gets me though!

Argh!  Just when I think I've got it, Number 10 strikes again!!

It has taken repetition, and a gradual chipping away at some old patterns.  It has taken me forgetting on a conscious level, so that, when the lesson appears again, I can go deeper into remembering.

I think that all of the "big" lessons for me, have really how to incorporate all of those "little" lessons into my very Being.

Hmm, into my very Being.

That's it!   They become a part of the way that we are, the way that we live every moment.  So then we no longer have to consciously remember them.

Some lessons take longer to incorporate.  That chipping away at old patterns.
Some might hit us with full force after a sudden awareness, which may or may not be triggered by a major event in our life.

Remember to be gentle with the process. Because learning lessons does not end, as long as we are still breathing!

Remember that all that really matters, is love.

Love is our Soul Purpose.

And that you have all of the tools and resources and answers within you already to know how to live that!