Speaking...

I had a friend tell me that another mutual friend has not been in touch with me lately, because she doesn't know where she stands with me.  She likes me, but her main reason?  Because I don't speak a lot.

I wasn't hurt or upset.  I didn't even feel the need to defend myself.  All of those things would have been certain once upon a time.

It was almost like a could feel a little pixie on my right shoulder just having a bit of a laugh!

Maybe that person did or didn't say that.  Maybe the message got a bit skewed in translation.   Either way, I honestly had the feeling that what another person thinks of me, is none of my business!

Maybe that other person is feeling insecure.  I personally thought that she and I had enjoyed some wonderful, and deep conversations.

Later on, I did ponder the statement though.  I thought about the way that I am with people and I just wanted to reflect on it.

At school and church, we were taught to be quiet, but then they wanted up to speak up on command.  I never bought into the trained monkey idea.

I became an observer, a listener.  I like watching people and trying to figure out why they do certain things.  I shared bits of myself at different times.  Sometimes I got hurt because of that.  So I'd pretend to be someone else that was more outgoing or more naughty or just someone that I was not, just to try and fit in.  It didn't work.  My true self said to me "what the heck are you doing?!  You are a gift and you need to let yourself be free so that you can shine!"

Great advice!

I've had a lot of people in and out of my life.  I became cautious about what I shared with new people, and I had to be really comfortable with someone before I could talk about my feelings, or my story.  That became a pattern of protection.  I aim to be kind, and open, and loving, and friendly.  I am happy to hear about you.  Maybe sometimes still, I can be so busy listening to what you are saying, with your words and / or energetically, that I don't even think to share much about my thoughts or feelings about whatever we are talking about.  Sometimes it seems that someone else has a greater need to speak, so I let them go for it.  I don't have a huge need to speak.

I find small talk painful.  And draining.

I don't enjoy being in groups where there are a few people that seem to want to dominate the conversation and talk over the top of others.  The energy feels frantic and competitive to me.

I do enjoy being in relaxed groups with gentle conversation, without needing agreement on whatever subject is being discussed.

I love to talk about the deep things.  About connection.  About finding your power.  About joy.  About what really matters to you.  About Trust.  Purpose.  Stepping up.  Falling down.  Real stuff.  That's the stuff I want to talk about!  And even better if we can chat one on one.

I am not afraid of public speaking, I can do that about any of my passions...unschooling, Love, homeschooling, living simply, Joy, connected parenting, Reiki and energy healing, traveling with children, etc.  I'm very comfortable with bartering, asking for discounts / refunds / replacements, and calmly speaking up when I know that my rights have been wronged.  Some people are terrified of all of these things.  I used to be.

I'm not verbose in person.  (Though I can ramble on via this blog!)  I like the space between the notes.  I like quiet.  Most of the time.  I'm very comfortable with it.  Some people are not and they have a need to fill up the quiet with a stream of chatter.  I don't like to ramble on about the weather, or the political situation, or what I had for lunch.  I'm not judging those who do.  Hey, if that's your thing, I'm happy for you!  Really.  And I've know plenty of lovely people whose thing it is.

I am more inclined to feel my way through life.  I really don't feel the need to talk a lot.  Some friends in the past have found that trait to be quite calming.  I'm not going to be someone that I am not.  Here I AM!  I am happy to be me!   I hope that you are happy to be You!


I'd say that this meme sums up my philosophy:

Gracefully surrendering...

...the things of youth...oh what a trip this has been!...like a 3D game of snakes and ladders as my path winds around this mountain of my life.  Sometimes taking a leap forward, sometimes sliding back.  All of it has been so perfect!  The beauty of hindsight is that I can see how some of the worst times shaped me to have enormous growth.

One of the things that has helped shape me is 'Desiderata' (I've put a copy below).  My sister was given a poster of that when she was an early teenager.  I am four years younger than her and we shared a bedroom.  She had the poster on the wardrobe door and I read it many, many times.  Every day I would add a new sentence to what I had already memorized and I would say it over in my mind during the long walk to and from the school bus.  When she moved out, I got my own copy which has traveled with me in all of my moves around Australia and the world.  It's still relevant.  I find myself pondering the line: "Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth." 

In that spirit, I claim:

Love

Peace

Joy

Personal Power

Acceptance

Self-worth

as some of my most valued lessons, deeply learned and integrated.  I claim them from all of the challenges and bruises and highlights that it took to earn them during my youth.  I now own them and they will not be surrendered.  Only all of the fears and insecurities and confusion will be released.  They may just look like words, but they mean much more than that to me.  Who knew?  Growing older can come with such a beautiful Peace.  Growing into one's true self.  Not needing to prove anything to anyone.  Not needing to feel guilty.  My body may not look and act like it did years ago, but the trade for inner Peace is definitely worth it to me.

So grateful for every single breath and step along this path!


DESIDERATA

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

**************************************************************************

For the story on the discovery of this piece of inspiration, go to:

http://www.businessballs.com/desideratapoem.htm

Before Speaking...

I have often found smalltalk...well, a little challenging. There are some people that it just seems easy with, the conversation just seems to flow. We connect and can talk about any subject either lightly or in depth.  Some others though, I find myself scratching for something to talk about, sometimes finding myself saying things that just seem 'not right' for me. Afterwards I might think "why on earth did I say that?". I assume that the other person might think that I am not interested or even maybe not interesting if I don't have a lot to say. It's getting to the point where I am preferring to avoid some social settings so I don't have to be involved in conversations that seem the same repetition of meaningless drivel. (too harsh?)

I am very comfortable with myself and with my silence...when I'm by myself. I'm learning to be comfortable maintaining that in a social situation. I love this quote by Sai Baba:

"Before Speaking, Ask Yourself:

Is It Kind?

Is It Necessary?

Is It True?

Does It Improve On The Silence?"

I choose to live this! 

However the question does arise...just what DO you speak about in random social situations?  Do you really have to say anything if you don't feel inspired?  Other people may feel uncomfortable and say unkind things behind my back.  Who knows...maybe they already do?!  What others think of me in none of my business!  I can only be in control of ME....my state of mind....my inner peace....my balance...  and when I can do that, I believe that I will radiate the Love and Peace and Joy that I am feeling.

I found this other great article on 7 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Speak if you are interested in another opinion.  Worth a look!

.... I actually wrote that post earlier this year.  I've grown quite a bit since then and I no longer judge myself for what I do or don't say.  Wow!  I had forgotten that I used to do that!  It was great to read this post and see how far I've come!

And now for something completely different...

...well not really, I was being sarcastic, but...it's raining!!  We lived in the desert for 8 years, and rain was rare.  I know we have made up for it now!  We've had rain here for 10 days in a row, with a couple of short breaks.  We have been though soooo much rain in our time here.  I have enjoyed living on the coast, next to the beach, with lush greenery around us.

But I'm over it now.
(I started writing this several weeks ago and since then we have had some sunshine...and more rain!)

In 2009 when we were all in the USA, Cary said to me then that we may have to stay there.  I freaked.  I wasn't ready.  I was still attached to needing to be in Australia.  I felt as though I had unfinished business there (here).  I am so very grateful for our family and friends here and for every single experience we've had here.  It's been an intense learning curve.  If we had to leave the country now though, I can honestly say that I'm Ready. 

I am ready to move to another part of this country, or another country entirely.  I do like this area for many reasons, and it's a good place for a base, but it's almost time to experience other places again.  We are starting to get that "stagnant...itchy feet" feeling.

I left Australia just before my 29th birthday.  I lived in the USA for 12.5 years, always feeling a little (or a lot) homesick, always with some longing for the life I knew in Australia.  Maybe it held me back from fully embracing life in the USA.  I embraced it a lot, but I often felt as though I didn't really fit there.  I think that was just my mindset though.  Maybe I just felt as though something was missing.

I do not regret leaving the USA, I needed to go full circle, back to Australia.  I needed to reconnect with my roots.  I needed time and space to see how much I had grown, how living in the USA had allowed me the time and space to expose ME, without the conditions of my past surrounding me.  Meeting all new people, with no preconceived ideas of who I was or what I was supposed to be...I was free to totally just Be Me!  I didn't realise how much I had grown until I came back and found that I no longer fit into my old life here.  The conditionings didn't stick, I acted differently and that made some people that knew me years ago, uncomfortable.

I am grateful for the people that embraced the shining me, that accepted and did not judge.  I am grateful for the new friends that I have made.  I am grateful for the chances to risk hurt and rejection because I know that to NOT risk those things, is far more painful.  The joy that comes in consciously connecting with new people reminds me to appreciate that connection for that moment, and for as long as it may last.  Some friendships don't last as long as we may want them to, and that can be so sad and disappointing.  Believe me, I know that lesson all too well.  Other friendships and connections have an energy of being forever, even though you may not be in touch for several years, you can just pick up where you left off as though no time has passed at all.  Thankfully, I know that lesson as well!   It's all a part of the smorgasbord of experiences at the buffet of life.  As we tell our kids - yes, life, and people, may disappoint you, but it's how you react to that that will make the difference in your experience.  You can choose to let it stall you, or spur you on to move through that to a new place of joy.  Yes kids, life is tough, and messy and wonderful and exciting and confusing and sad and amazing and.....oh so worth it!

Running water...

When our big caravan arrived, it took Cary a couple of days to find the fittings to connect the water to the inside.

I was so excited!  After a couple of months of camping, I was thrilled to have inside running water.  I did a little song and dance when I was filling up the sink to wash dishes...inside...because I could!

Then we found a leak and had to disconnect the water.  Cary tried to fix it, but it did not get done before he left.  I was so disappointed.  The kids and I had to go outside and fill up the filter jugs and bottles of water to use as flush water for the toilet.  This was inconvenient, especially when it was raining or cold.  My StepMom joked that I did have running water...I run out to get it and then I run back in again!

Cary got the part I needed from the USA and mailed it to me when he was there.  When I got the package, I was excited again, thinking that I would have inside running water.  But I couldn't get the part to fit.  I grunted and pushed and pulled and twisted and tried different things.  I swore and raised my voice and then I had a big release and realised that I was just fine without the running water.  I did not need it in order to be happy...the way we were doing things was working just fine.

Life was simpler once I accepted the water situation.  When I let go of it "having" to be a certain way, and just started to appreciate the way it was - I am so lucky to have water so close...and that I don't have to walk 3 miles with a pot of it on my head!  We are so lucky to have fit bodies to be able to move and lift and carry!

Cary got back yesterday.  He fixed the water, including the hot water.  It is nice to have it, but I am actually not attached to it.  It would not have bothered me if it wasn't fixed at all.   I just have to smile at how glad I am that I am in control of how I choose to feel...I do not need running water, or other "things" in order to be happy.  I can choose to be happy right now, now matter what is happening around me. 

I am so grateful that Cary is back safely, and that we can continue on this journey, together.

shifting stuff...

I feel like I've spent the last couple of months just moving stuff around.  Physical 'stuff'.  We're packing and moving back to the USA...hang on, let's stay here a bit longer...let's go on the road now...let's wait...argh!  Breathing deeply...
I don't know where we'll be in six months, but I do know that we are right here right now.

We've moved stuff around in the house, we've gotten rid of stuff, we've packed things up to go into storage, and we've taken some of those things back out again so that we can use them.  It feels as though a lot of my extra time that isn't busy with taking care of the family, or going to the gym, has been spent shifting stuff around.  (Actually I have been taking a little time out to draw or watch a movie or read a couple of paragraphs of a book.)

I think I'm almost finished shifting stuff, for now anyway.   I'm at a point where I'm sorting through papers.   I have a file box full of paper...it just look like nothing, but written on all of those papers are hundreds of quotes I've been collecting since I was a teenager, ideas I've had for businesses, personal goals, breakthroughs, interesting articles that I thought I might use to put on some of the websites I've never built.  I've had a brief look through some of it, but it's brought up some other stuff inside of me that I guess I'm meant to shift.

I've been thinking about time lost and if it's possible to re-live good things in our life.  I heard a song that I remember hearing as a young teen.  I remember listening to that, longing to be older and 'free' and being out there, living my own life.  When I heard that same song today, I had a slight longing to be younger again, with so much excitement ahead.  Are we ever satisfied? (I know..that's the ego.)  I often think of the year we spent on the road.  It was so wonderful for so many reasons!  But could I capture that again?  It would be different now...Summer is a teenager, a young woman and loves having her own space, AJ is fast approaching puberty and is loving his tae kwon do classes, Nicholas is wild and outgoing and loves spreading his lego out all over the floor.  Are we ever able to relive those special times of our life?  Should we?  Or do we just cross them off the bucket list?

So the box of papers I have that is filled with my past, the longings I had for my future...what to do?  Do they still have any meaning?  Would I actually use them for something or look at them if I lived another 50 years?  Or 20?  What if I only had 2 years left?  Would I be worried about scraps of paper?  Do those quotes and things still have any meaning or are they like the school work that I have collected while designing my very own curriculum on this journey?  They have been stepping stones to help me become who I am today. 
A part of me wants to read every single thing.  To get swept up in reminiscing, to see what I still find inspiring.  Another part of me is ready to just let it all go.  To burn it all and release it to the Universe.  To move into greater acceptance of Who and Where I Am right now.  Will I really do that?  Hmm, I imagine it could be very liberating. 

Accepting..

We have a few more days of summer left. Earlier this week it was very warm with really high humidity. The day after, it had turned into the middle of autumn already. A couple of weeks ago I started grieving the end of summer. I felt like we had not been swimming and playing outside as much as I would have liked...partly because of the rain, and partly because of being tied up with business stuff. But I can't change that now.

I found a streak of grey in my hair, and I realised there is a similar lesson. I just need to accept the passing of the season. I still consider myself young, but need to accept that I'm moving into my autumn phase. Fighting it, trying to go against it, is futile. By accepting it, I can move forward, gracefully.

Acceptance

It seems that when I get really comfortable with something, along comes a new challenge to test that.

So I am here, feeling deeply grateful and joyful of this stage in my life.

Humidity increases, my hair goes frizzy...ok. I look in the mirror and see a face I hardly recognise. My facial hair is very blond so ever since I was a teenager, I have worn a little eyebrow pencil and mascara every single day so that my face looked more ...what? interesting? colourful? normal??

As I get further along the natural path, I just don't want to do that anymore. Even though I used 'natural' make up, it just no longer feels natural to use it at all. Even though it was "only" those two small areas, I feel it is time to stop covering them and take a deeper step to acceptance. One of my eyes has been getting red at times, usually when I'm really tired and have spent too long in front of the computer screen. But I'm sure that 30 years of wearing mascara can't be good.

So I look in the mirror, I see the frizzy hair, the plain face, the extra wrinkles .... who IS this person?

This body is a shell, the house for my spirit. Taking care of this body is something I now aim to do with more gentleness and respect, like taking care of a temple. But the real me, my spirit - that's where the real work is. It's on the inner places, cleaning out the cobwebs in the corners, opening the blinds that prevented the light from streaming in. Getting over so many little conditioning's like what I had attached to a little pencil line on my face. Realising that those kind of things are not what's really important.

Sure, taking care of the outward appearance of my body is good and can reflect my inner state. But not when I get attached to the process, when I don't want to leave the house without making myself up.

I'm not going to make myself up anymore...I no longer want to. It's still a little uncomfortable when I look in the mirror, but I'll get over it pretty quickly. I'll continue to dress in natural, comfortable clothes according to my mood. Many months ago I lost my attachment to wearing jewelry. I never wore a lot, but had several favourite pieces that I wore continually. Piece by piece over a month or so, I took them all off. Earrings, necklace, bangles, rings...all except for a wedding ring. After a period of not wearing any jewelry, I now might wear a little something if I'm in the mood. But I am no longer attached to those things in the way that I was. Not that it's bad at all to do so, I just choose not to. So maybe it will work the same with wearing make-up. Maybe I'll reach a point where I totally accept the appearance of this face and can fully release the conditioned attachment to wearing make-up. When I have let go of that attachment, I may still wear a little if I feel like it.

My goal now is to continue working on those inner cobwebs, the old conditioning's and opening the blinds, so I can see my own truth more deeply and clearly, so that the natural beauty of my spirit is what shines through the outward appearance of my body out into the world.