My evolution...

This blogging journey has been interesting.  For me anyway.  Recently, I randomly selected some old posts and it's been interesting to read them and see what was going on in my life then.  Some made me laugh out loud.  Some made me a little sad.  Some made me smile, and some made me think "what the...?"!

I can see some patterns.  Some breakthroughs.  Some times when lessons were repeated, so maybe I didn't always "get" them to the degree that I thought that I did at the time.  Maybe life is just so full at times, that it's easy to get distracted from remembering to stay present, or to fill myself with love all of the time, or to write five things that I'm grateful for every single day.  Or whatever I think that I "should" be doing.

I had a poster of the following 'Ten Rules for Being Human' on my wall when I was a teenager.  It was near my 'Desiderata' poster.  Such wonderful inspiration to share my days with!   I have often remembered, and quoted, parts of both.  Mostly to myself.   It's number 10 on the Rules that always gets me though!

Argh!  Just when I think I've got it, Number 10 strikes again!!

It has taken repetition, and a gradual chipping away at some old patterns.  It has taken me forgetting on a conscious level, so that, when the lesson appears again, I can go deeper into remembering.

I think that all of the "big" lessons for me, have really how to incorporate all of those "little" lessons into my very Being.

Hmm, into my very Being.

That's it!   They become a part of the way that we are, the way that we live every moment.  So then we no longer have to consciously remember them.

Some lessons take longer to incorporate.  That chipping away at old patterns.
Some might hit us with full force after a sudden awareness, which may or may not be triggered by a major event in our life.

Remember to be gentle with the process. Because learning lessons does not end, as long as we are still breathing!

Remember that all that really matters, is love.

Love is our Soul Purpose.

And that you have all of the tools and resources and answers within you already to know how to live that!

Speaking...

I had a friend tell me that another mutual friend has not been in touch with me lately, because she doesn't know where she stands with me.  She likes me, but her main reason?  Because I don't speak a lot.

I wasn't hurt or upset.  I didn't even feel the need to defend myself.  All of those things would have been certain once upon a time.

It was almost like a could feel a little pixie on my right shoulder just having a bit of a laugh!

Maybe that person did or didn't say that.  Maybe the message got a bit skewed in translation.   Either way, I honestly had the feeling that what another person thinks of me, is none of my business!

Maybe that other person is feeling insecure.  I personally thought that she and I had enjoyed some wonderful, and deep conversations.

Later on, I did ponder the statement though.  I thought about the way that I am with people and I just wanted to reflect on it.

At school and church, we were taught to be quiet, but then they wanted up to speak up on command.  I never bought into the trained monkey idea.

I became an observer, a listener.  I like watching people and trying to figure out why they do certain things.  I shared bits of myself at different times.  Sometimes I got hurt because of that.  So I'd pretend to be someone else that was more outgoing or more naughty or just someone that I was not, just to try and fit in.  It didn't work.  My true self said to me "what the heck are you doing?!  You are a gift and you need to let yourself be free so that you can shine!"

Great advice!

I've had a lot of people in and out of my life.  I became cautious about what I shared with new people, and I had to be really comfortable with someone before I could talk about my feelings, or my story.  That became a pattern of protection.  I aim to be kind, and open, and loving, and friendly.  I am happy to hear about you.  Maybe sometimes still, I can be so busy listening to what you are saying, with your words and / or energetically, that I don't even think to share much about my thoughts or feelings about whatever we are talking about.  Sometimes it seems that someone else has a greater need to speak, so I let them go for it.  I don't have a huge need to speak.

I find small talk painful.  And draining.

I don't enjoy being in groups where there are a few people that seem to want to dominate the conversation and talk over the top of others.  The energy feels frantic and competitive to me.

I do enjoy being in relaxed groups with gentle conversation, without needing agreement on whatever subject is being discussed.

I love to talk about the deep things.  About connection.  About finding your power.  About joy.  About what really matters to you.  About Trust.  Purpose.  Stepping up.  Falling down.  Real stuff.  That's the stuff I want to talk about!  And even better if we can chat one on one.

I am not afraid of public speaking, I can do that about any of my passions...unschooling, Love, homeschooling, living simply, Joy, connected parenting, Reiki and energy healing, traveling with children, etc.  I'm very comfortable with bartering, asking for discounts / refunds / replacements, and calmly speaking up when I know that my rights have been wronged.  Some people are terrified of all of these things.  I used to be.

I'm not verbose in person.  (Though I can ramble on via this blog!)  I like the space between the notes.  I like quiet.  Most of the time.  I'm very comfortable with it.  Some people are not and they have a need to fill up the quiet with a stream of chatter.  I don't like to ramble on about the weather, or the political situation, or what I had for lunch.  I'm not judging those who do.  Hey, if that's your thing, I'm happy for you!  Really.  And I've know plenty of lovely people whose thing it is.

I am more inclined to feel my way through life.  I really don't feel the need to talk a lot.  Some friends in the past have found that trait to be quite calming.  I'm not going to be someone that I am not.  Here I AM!  I am happy to be me!   I hope that you are happy to be You!


I'd say that this meme sums up my philosophy:

Letting go...

In the past six weeks, I've let go of a lot.

A lot of material items, and a lot of inner releases as well.

It has been the most relaxed and joyful holiday season I've experienced for a very long time.


I've done major decluttering so many times that the process is familiar and even easy.  I don't follow anyone's 'rules' for doing so.  For example, some people try and get their wardrobe down to a set number of pieces.  I don't see the point in that.  I have a small area for my clothes.  I just want them to fit in there neatly.  I also want all of the clothes in there to be clothes that I feel happy wearing.  Every so often, I go through them all when I realise that there are clothes in there that I just haven't been wearing.  I try them on and ask myself two questions: "Is this comfortable?" (I only like clothes that I can't feel when they are on.  No scratchy areas, or seams, or tightness.)  And, "Do I feel good in this?".  The feeling is not just the physical comfort, but the sub-conscious effect of the colour and style.  With these two questions, it's very easy to decide on whether or not to keep something, or to let it go so that someone else might use it.

I have been through every cupboard of our little townhouse.  It's amazing how many bits and pieces were hiding in the shadows!   Again, two questions: "Do we actually use this?", and "Does this delight me?".  Only one question needs a "yes" for an item to stay.

If we have been somewhere special, I often pick up a stone or a shell or an unusual stick or something.  I keep these things around the place.  When I can no longer remember where I picked that piece up, and the memory associated with it, I return it to the earth.

I got rid of several pieces of furniture that were just storage places for 'stuff'.  In getting rid of a place to hold it, I then was able to be more ruthless in what stayed and what went as I moved things around.

I let go of the idea of being a great gardener.  At least while we are living here.  I have tried container gardening, but not very successfully.  If I read more about it, and tested the soil, and moved the plants in and out of the sun or fertilised more or less frequently, I'd probably do better.   I had been trying to grow different foods.  The thing is, we can easily go through one lettuce in a day or two.  The amount of space that I'd need to maintain our demand was crowding us, and the amount of time that it would take to care for that, can be better spent elsewhere.  I got rid of a lot of extra garden pots and garden paraphernalia that was cluttering up our patio.  It felt really good.

I let go of a lot of other projects that no longer felt important.  These were things that had held a little piece / peace of me as I'd thought that I should finish them someday.  Gone.  Not necessary.  I did all that I needed to do.

I let go of books that were no longer relevant.  Now all of my books fit neatly on one shelf.  I am going to take more time to read in the coming months.  I rarely read fiction, it's usually books on health and spirituality that inspire me.

With Thanksgiving, two family birthdays, Christmas, and a road trip to visit extended family, the holiday season can feel overwhelming to me.  I try to make each event and every person feel celebrated.  A huge thing for me, is that I let go of that being my job, my responsibility.  Instead,
I stayed authentically in my own Joy, and I let that ripple out.

Another huge thing for me, was that I let go of the grief that I still had about my Dad no longer being earthside.  So many of my Christmas memories featured him so strongly, especially from my childhood.  Christmas carols always reminded me of him as he loved to sing, and I loved his voice.  I let go of the attachment to those early memories, I let go of the sadness that I wouldn't hear his voice again.  Instead, I just remembered the Joy of those times.  I felt a deep Peace, and a lot of gratitude for those memories.

I let go of having to do certain things.  I wrote fewer Christmas cards.  I baked fewer cookies.  We did not put up all of the Christmas decorations.  I spent more time doing things for myself, like going for a paddle out on the lake that we live on.  Without guilt!  With Joy!

I rarely went onto any social media.  Before I cut back, I had tried to keep up with news and events from family and friends on a regular basis.  But I just stopped.  I stopped having to 'like' my friends posts.  I also stopped the subtle comparison I was subjecting myself to when I thought I should be more like some of my friends who were fitter than me, or more creative than me, or more fun than me.   I 'unliked' and unfollowed a whole bunch of pages and people.   Maybe twice a week, I might have a quick scroll through Instagram and Facebook, and that's enough.  I've got board games to play, books to read, new recipes to try, and fun to be had with the people that are here in my life right now.

I don't know what the new year has in store for us.  I feel so good to be starting the year feeling so light.  Feeling so Joy-Full.  Feeling more space within me, and around me.  Feeling calm and, with fewer distractions, more focused on goals.

I hope that you all are in a place of Peace, and that the year ahead brings you good health and great happiness.

In Joy,
Annette

Before Speaking...

I have often found smalltalk...well, a little challenging. There are some people that it just seems easy with, the conversation just seems to flow. We connect and can talk about any subject either lightly or in depth.  Some others though, I find myself scratching for something to talk about, sometimes finding myself saying things that just seem 'not right' for me. Afterwards I might think "why on earth did I say that?". I assume that the other person might think that I am not interested or even maybe not interesting if I don't have a lot to say. It's getting to the point where I am preferring to avoid some social settings so I don't have to be involved in conversations that seem the same repetition of meaningless drivel. (too harsh?)

I am very comfortable with myself and with my silence...when I'm by myself. I'm learning to be comfortable maintaining that in a social situation. I love this quote by Sai Baba:

"Before Speaking, Ask Yourself:

Is It Kind?

Is It Necessary?

Is It True?

Does It Improve On The Silence?"

I choose to live this! 

However the question does arise...just what DO you speak about in random social situations?  Do you really have to say anything if you don't feel inspired?  Other people may feel uncomfortable and say unkind things behind my back.  Who knows...maybe they already do?!  What others think of me in none of my business!  I can only be in control of ME....my state of mind....my inner peace....my balance...  and when I can do that, I believe that I will radiate the Love and Peace and Joy that I am feeling.

I found this other great article on 7 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Speak if you are interested in another opinion.  Worth a look!

.... I actually wrote that post earlier this year.  I've grown quite a bit since then and I no longer judge myself for what I do or don't say.  Wow!  I had forgotten that I used to do that!  It was great to read this post and see how far I've come!

I Give Up

....alcohol. 

I've given it up before, for over 12 years.  I started having an occasional "one or two" sometime after we moved back to Australia.  We would get together often with friends and, well, it just seemed to be a part of the Aussie culture...what I had grown up with...old conditionings surfaced.

I thought I had a handle on it and I would usually stop after one or two.  For some reason...those old conditionings... drinking made me feel kind of grown up / part of the crowd / like I was interesting.  Thinking about it now, they are probably the exact reasons that I started drinking as a teenager and through a lot of my 20's.  If I wasn't being the 'party girl', I was on the opposite side of the spectrum being the 'health nut'.  Back and forth swung the pendulum.  After too much partying, I'd vow to stop and get healthy again...but the call was strong.  From the time I was a young child, I witnessed the "grown ups" around me drinking and partying.  A lot.  Why did I think that I needed alcohol to join the party?  Why did I think I wasn't interesting enough on my own? 

OK, I admit, when I was younger, it certainly helped me act wild and crazy and ...stupid.  It helped me feel as though I was part of the crowd.  I had often felt kind of on the outside.  The double edge to that is that, through observation, I often didn't even want to be a part of the crowd and some of their petty ways.  But I always kind of wanted to feel as though I fit in somewhere.  I don't enjoy a lot of small talk, but with alcohol, I could handle talking about any kind of rubbish that I sometimes didn't even remember the next day.

The kids and I were out camping this week.  In tents that is, because we kind of live the camping life anyway.  We went with a group of homeschool friends.  Someone brought red wine, which is the only alcohol I've been drinking when I do have "one or two" lately.  I hadn't eaten much that day.  For some reason, I didn't stop at one or two.  I didn't have too much more than that, but without much food, it hit me.  Hard.  Ugh.  During recovery, I kept feeling my Dad around me trying to help me - not with the physical recovery, he didn't seem to mind that I was having a hard time as it might help me to get the message.  The message that I don't need to drink in order to join in the crowd or be more interesting or more relaxed or the life of the party or whatever trigger might have been interfering with my ability to say to myself "that's enough".

I don't have to be super chatty, or dance around, or tell funny stories in order to have a good time.  I can have the best time just being deeply connected with myself, and letting that light shine through in all interactions with others.      ahhh...nice revelation...I think that was part of the problem too - I was not feeling very connected within.  You know, that's probably the reason this post was getting me out of bed in the middle of the night to have some quiet time to ponder all of this.  To remind me of how important it is to Be Connected to my deeper self...the one that knows she's okay, just how she is and doesn't need to prove a thing...the one that feels comfortable being silent when others are talking a lot...the one that doesn't need a wine glass because her inner cup is already full...the one that remembers that authentic connection is really what she is all about...the one that can dance freely just for the joy of it...  Now this is what it feels like to be a "grown up"!

...PS...I am not passing judgement on anyone else who chooses to drink alcohol.  It just does not work for me.

Love is all that matters...

Sometimes I just "get" life!  The reason for it, the grand design.....then the ridiculous pettiness we waste time on makes me just want to laugh!

I remember that the only thing that is really important...is Love.

How we relate to each other and ourselves.  Does it really matter who is "right"?  That's ego.

I remember to Trust....that everything is unfolding as it should...that everything I need will be provided. 

I let go of attachments and I feel lighter and brighter.

I let go of having to Do anything in particular....and it frees me up to just Be Who I Really Am.  In that state, I feel more productive if I choose to be.  Operating from a center of Love makes all tasks joyful.


Now if I could just remember all of this!! 

Relationships..

"Your relationship to all things, was created as the perfect tool in the work of the soul." - Neale Donald Walsch

I've been thinking a lot about this.

AJ is rather smitten with a girl and keeps asking me all kinds of questions.  As the girl is vegan, he is wondering if he should go vegan in order to be with her.  I told him that he should never compromise who he is in order to please someone else.  That's only cheating both of them and will probably lead to resentment on his part at some point down the track.

(Have I done that?  Have I compromised myself in relationships?  Have I said yes when I wanted to say no, have I gone places, or done things that I actually didn't want to do?  In pleasing another, did I not please myself?  I'm pretty sure I have at times.)

I've been struggling with Nicholas who is so very loud and busy.  I feel the need for quiet and calm around me as I try to process events of the past few months, but I just cannot get that with him around.    I realise that I need to demand that, for my own sanity.  Maybe part of the reason that I have a child like Nicholas is to help get me to the point of demanding time for myself.  I wanted to be a mother for such a long time, and I loved living that role 24/7 for several years, but now, I really need a break.  That was a secondary reason of why Summer and AJ went to the Steiner school when we moved to Australia - mama was burnt out.  I had been curious about those schools since Summer was a baby and I had thought it would be a good thing for the kids.  It was, for a while.  Now that Nicholas is getting older, I'm finding his behaviour exhausting so I need to take care of me so that I can better take care of my family.

Perhaps I've compromised myself for far too long by not taking time out away from my full time job of parenting.  Perhaps I've cheated myself, Cary and the kids by not doing that.  I know that sometimes I look at Cary and think "Oh God...it's you", but other times I think "thank God it's you".  Do all relationships go through this?  We've been together for almost 18 years!  That's a very long time.  People can change a lot in that time...how many people have been together for a long time that are still happy to be together?  Really.  That don't feel any resentment, that feel that they are still compatible?  They probably have time to pursue their own interests and they probably are not together 24/7.

When I met Cary, I was at a place in my life where I was not even interested in having a relationship with anyone.  I felt whole and strong and content with who I was and where I was going.  He was attracted to that strong woman.  That's who I need to find again, for both of our sakes. 

There has been so much drama and chaos in recent months, I'm shutting down.  My apologies for any unreturned emails for phone calls.   If my relationships are the perfect tool for me, then I need to be focusing on those, especially the one with myself.  Yep, I'm going to be a bit selfish.  I'm going to say "no", I'm going to take time to draw and read and do absolutely nothing.  Because if I don't, then my soul will not be filling its true potential for growth.  And I will be resentful. And that's no good for anyone.

The curve ball..

The hardest thing about leaving the USA and moving to Australia, was leaving our dog and cat behind.  We could have brought them, but it would have been a lot of money including the airfare, special handling en route, 5 months of vet tests in the US before 30 days in quarantine in Oz, not to mention the stress on the animals.  Since we've been here, we've had a lot of uncertainty about where we were going to live, if we were going to stay, should we move to a larger house, should we get back on the road, etc.  Throughout it all, the kids (AJ especially) have often asked if we could get a dog - or a cat or a rat or a snake etc, but mostly a dog. 

We really miss a lot of aspects about living on the road.  For me, it was the simplicity of the life, the adventure and living in nature and just being outdoors and active a whole lot more.  With the cooler weather here (well, it is the middle of winter, but we are in the subtropics...days are mid 60's - mid 70's, nights are mid 40's - mid 50's), it's still a bit chilly for us.  We have been talking about getting on the road next February when our lease expires.  It was something we were all very excited about.  Our aim was to slowly head north for the winter and take some time to see if we might find another area we would prefer to live. 

Four days ago, we planned to walk up to the beach but got delayed a couple of times before we could leave.  We walked up the next block and suddenly a little puppy walked onto our path.  We stopped and patted her and then watched as she walked onto the road.  Oh no!  We had to find her home and return her, but she did not have a tag on.  We knocked on a bunch of doors nearby but nobody knew her.  I kept hearing a voice saying "there are no coincidences".  We brought her back to our house for a drink of water and to make a temporary leash.  Then we took her to the local vet to see if she had a microchip.  She did not, but the vet took her in case the owner called anyway.  The puppy was such a sweetheart.  Obviously young, but not hyper.  She was very relaxed in our arms when we had carried her and she just seemed to fit in with the family.  The kids were sad to give her in to the vet, even though we had only had her for about an hour.

We continued to talk about going camping and all of the things we would be doing when we were back on the road.  But we also talked about how sweet the little dog was and how she had fit in with us so easily and what it would be like to have a dog....but could we get back on the road?  Could we do both?  We would be limited in our choices of where we could camp...would it work?  Would it be possible to balance our need for freedom and adventure with the responsibility of owning a dog?   No, we decided, it would be too restricting.  Ok, so 'there are no coincidences'...what did that mean?...was the dog there at the same time we were as a gift for us, or to challenge us to explore what was the most important things to us?  There was a definite feeling of synchronicity.  Would we be denying our family a whole lot of joy and fun and the once-in-a-lifetime experience of the children sharing their childhood with a much loved companion animal?   How often does the right kind of dog just walk across your path?

You can see the curve ball coming can't you?....

So the day after, the owner of the dog called us to thank us for finding her.  And then she said that she is actually trying to place the dog, as she took the dog for a patient of hers who has gone into the hospital for an extended period and cannot care for her.  Were we interested?!   Oh dear.  Cary initially said thanks, but no.  We all felt really sad about that though.    It's a big commitment to take on an animal, especially a puppy.  We didn't want to ever be in the position to have to give an animal up again.   Our heads kept going back and forward over the debate so our hearts stepped up to make the call.   And as soon as Cary called them back to say "yes!", it was though something clicked into place that made our family feel more complete.   I don't know what the future will bring us from here, but I do know that sometimes, you just have to take a leap of faith and see how well you fly. 

Having our little girl - a 16 week old Jack Russell weighing 6lbs / 2.5kg, named Gypsy - will bring a new adventure into our lives and enhance the childhood of three very happy children.  She is already encouraging us to get outside more and just be more playful and active.  Things I thought I needed to get back on the road to experience.  Hmm...where will this lead us?  I don't know, but I have a feeling, it will be all good!

another PS...

continuing my train of thought from the last post.... one of my main concerns has been my family. So many people say "children need stability and security". Maybe so. But do they really get that from living in one house for 18 years? Maybe if it's a nurturing home. And then so many of them move away to seek their own place in the world, often moving far away from their families.

I have wondered if I have somehow done a disservice to my children by moving them around. I mostly feel this when they talk about friends we've known along the way, and when they ask when can we get some pets. Apart from that, they are amazingly flexible and eager when we announce a new plan. I really don't think they've been harmed. Rather I think they've learned early the value in adapting; that change is a part of life; that whatever we need, we always manage to find; that you get from life what you think you will - if you plan on having fun, you will but if you think something is going to be hard work or painful, you're right about that too.

Lately I've been focused on thinking that we need to have a more definite plan. But as I've been striving to figure how and when and where and all that kind of thing, I've been mentally absent from my kids.

I came to the conclusion that, no matter where we are or what happens, our children will develop their own inner stability and security by knowing that they are loved and very worthy of an abundance of natures gifts. That they do not need material things to fulfill them, and that relationships with other people and themselves are more precious than gold. I remembered that raising these kids to be fully aware of Who They Are is my main goal - where we live and whatever else happens, is not as important as that. I Trust that that will continue to unfold the way it is meant to. I'm not going to over-think it anymore. Trying to force it will just create more long blog posts as I try to figure it out...especially if it's 1:30am in the USA and I can't call Cary to rattle on about this. And it will just take me away from where I really want to be...and where I am going right now... to connect with my kids.

PS.. and some reflecting

As a PS to my previous post, I want to add that the way I plan on making the rest of my life "magnificent", will not be by focusing on the 43.? years I supposedly have left, but by living as if today was my last day. I think that is a key to getting the most from life.

Some people experience a 'mid-life crisis' about this time, but perhaps that's just the people who have felt that they have not been able to live authentically so far, that the real them has been hidden by a mask their whole life. The mask of who they think they should be, not who they really are. And of feelings of being trapped by their current position in life and feeling that they have never really lived their dreams.

I have no need for a 'crisis'. I took off my masks a long time ago. I have achieved many of my goals.

I am finding myself reflecting more, perhaps I'm approaching an inner crossroad.

When I was young, I loved the house and the area where we were living. Surrounded by bush, near a creek and a lake and not far from the beach. I imagined that this house would always be my home base. That it would be the place I came home to visit after I had moved out, the place where my children would gather with their cousins, the place where the whole family would sing Christmas carols together while sitting on the verandah or swimming in the pool.

But when I was 13, my Dad was transferred to another area and we had to move. I went kicking and screaming and was a bit of a 'bad' girl for a year or so. But eventually, I started to calm down and regain that sense of security. I didn't find it in the house or in my family, but it came from inside of me. I realised that the move had shaken me off the merry-go-round / carousel that I had been on, and helped me discover the thrill of the roller coaster of life. And that no matter where I went, I'd still have ME.

I became a seeker of experiences of all kinds, I partied hard, I was a fitness fanatic, I scuba dived, went up in a hot air balloon, climbed to the top of Australia's highest mountain, I married, divorced, moved, changed jobs, changed cars, changed hair styles, explored, read, hiked, biked, travelled etc. How lucky am I to have lived on a tropical island?! How many people dream of that?! How lucky am I, that while living there, I reached an absolute realisation that I was Whole...that I didn't need any person or any thing to complete me...and then I met Cary, who enhances my life. He encourages and even fuels the pursuit of my dreams and does not see me as restless or crazy. He sees me as an adventurer on the sea of life, a pioneer in sometimes radical thinking in action, and the lover he has shared other lifetimes with.

So at this crossroad, a part of me is wondering if it is time to settle down- to plan on staying put in one place. I know I've spoken about wanting a little farm for a long time, but do I just idealise the opposite of what I have? (Not that I am doing a lot of travelling at the moment, but we are not sure of where we will be in another 6 months so that holds a similar feeling to travelling.) Isn't that a trick of the ego to keep one from staying connected to our true selves? There are things about having our own place that are very appealing - being able to have pets again, growing our own food - they are the main ones about the actual place. Opening the circle wider, we would also have a greater chance of being a part of the local community, helping and sharing and growing together. I wonder if having a place would give our children a sense of security. What if we didn't keep the place for whatever reason, - would they feel angry that their 'home' had been taken away from them? Or would their years of experience of not staying in one place have taught them that things are just temporary anyway? Would we all become so attached to the place and our 'things' that we forget how connected we can feel to the rest of the world when we don't have a lot of stuff? Can we maintain non-attachment so that our spirits remain free?

I'm concerned that if we do settle, I will feel trapped on the carousel. It's nice and pleasant and has little ups and downs and goes round and round in a predictable manner. Would I miss the thrill of the roller coaster? The loops and curves and ups and downs, but then right back up again, and when the ride is over, screeching in to stop, whooping and with a huge grin on my face saying "let's do it again!".

If we settled and went with the carousel option, we have the chance to build ...I almost said security, but I don't feel like anything is secure anymore. The world is on the brink of major change. I think we would build attachments to the land and the people and animals around us. But people can change. People we thought were friends can decide that they don't want that anymore. The land is vulnerable to bushfire and floods. Animals die. Nothing is permanent.

If we go with the roller coaster / travel option, we have to chance to experience the world. To not be held anywhere by commitments or 'stuff'. Our children get to see so much more, they get to experience different cultures and get a much broader view of life on earth. Does there have to be a goal when travelling? Surely the different experiences gives one a deeper sense of the world that may lead to an expanded sense of the self.

Pros and cons for both. It's time to close my eyes and listen to the song of my soul and see what is sung....

......
This post has been sitting for several days. I've been trying to feel the best way for us. Every option has an element of risk and a potential for great joy. We get more of whatever we focus on.

I know it's possible to make life whatever I want - thrilling, predictable, or both....it's all in my mind.