My evolution...

This blogging journey has been interesting.  For me anyway.  Recently, I randomly selected some old posts and it's been interesting to read them and see what was going on in my life then.  Some made me laugh out loud.  Some made me a little sad.  Some made me smile, and some made me think "what the...?"!

I can see some patterns.  Some breakthroughs.  Some times when lessons were repeated, so maybe I didn't always "get" them to the degree that I thought that I did at the time.  Maybe life is just so full at times, that it's easy to get distracted from remembering to stay present, or to fill myself with love all of the time, or to write five things that I'm grateful for every single day.  Or whatever I think that I "should" be doing.

I had a poster of the following 'Ten Rules for Being Human' on my wall when I was a teenager.  It was near my 'Desiderata' poster.  Such wonderful inspiration to share my days with!   I have often remembered, and quoted, parts of both.  Mostly to myself.   It's number 10 on the Rules that always gets me though!

Argh!  Just when I think I've got it, Number 10 strikes again!!

It has taken repetition, and a gradual chipping away at some old patterns.  It has taken me forgetting on a conscious level, so that, when the lesson appears again, I can go deeper into remembering.

I think that all of the "big" lessons for me, have really how to incorporate all of those "little" lessons into my very Being.

Hmm, into my very Being.

That's it!   They become a part of the way that we are, the way that we live every moment.  So then we no longer have to consciously remember them.

Some lessons take longer to incorporate.  That chipping away at old patterns.
Some might hit us with full force after a sudden awareness, which may or may not be triggered by a major event in our life.

Remember to be gentle with the process. Because learning lessons does not end, as long as we are still breathing!

Remember that all that really matters, is love.

Love is our Soul Purpose.

And that you have all of the tools and resources and answers within you already to know how to live that!

Slow down...

"Can you slow down please Mom?", said my 11 year old son as he reached out to hold my hand.

We were walking along the beach, soon after the sunrise.

We often did this.  For me, it was a dual purpose activity.  Get some exercise for me and whoever else came along with me, and spending time in nature.

I didn't realise how often the first reason dominated.

There I was, fast walking through the soft sand as I'd done so many times before.  I look at the rising sun, the waves, the sprinkling of seashells.  And I think that I'm doing myself a favour by grounding myself while also pushing myself to walk fast, to see if I can break a little sweat.  To look for the softest sand to walk in as that's more challenging.  To get my main workout for the day over and done with.

And encouraging my kids to do the same.  Not so much with my words, but definitely with my actions.

I started "exercising" in my teens, though I'd always been pretty active anyway.  I studied fitness, health, nutrition.  I worked in the fitness industry.  Also from my teens, I read books on mind-body-spirit connection and spirituality.

I thought that I "got" it.  To some degree, I did.  Sometimes, much more than others.

But today, I got a deeper lesson.  From one of my greatest teachers.  My son.  Who, at almost 12 years old, still loves to hold my hand and have long chats with me.

All that I had to do, was to slow down.

I remembered that I need to let go of control...and surrender to another way.  It's okay for me to stop rushing, and moving fast.  I'm not going to seize up, or turn into a blob if I stop walking fast all the time.  In fact, I might even firm up and trim down as I won't be constantly creating stress in my body which only encourages the body to hold onto weight.

I was so focused on the exercise portion of the morning, that I was down-playing the JOY factor.

Thankfully, I listened to my teacher.

So, we played.

We took turns playing follow-the-leader where the person in front walks all kinds of silly ways, and the person following, has to try and step into their footprints in exactly the same way. It always ends in lots of giggles.

We climbed on the boulders.

We wrote in the sand.

We played at the edge of the water, jumping and stomping through the shallow water.

I got a lesson in balance, and in the importance of JOY!

My body felt happy just because it was moving in a playful way.  The effect was longer-lasting both physically and mentally, than if I had pushed myself to work hard.

There is so much emphasis on results, that we often forget that the process is what's really important.

The happiest times of my life, were when I lived that.  When I was not even focused on "living in Joy".  When our days consisted of play, and movement, and nature, and just Being, and without even trying, or thinking about it, I was living in a state of Joy.

I know that I've lived it before.  I know that I can do it again.

Thankfully, I have a great teacher who will remind me!

I'm not going to stop doing intense workouts.   There is something really empowering about pushing myself to go a bit further, or harder, or to lift heavier.  But I will aim to remember to not take it all too seriously, and to have fun and enJOY the process.  Perhaps I'll even stop referring to them as "workouts", and instead call it "play time" to remind me of where my focus would better serve me.

There is so much freedom in letting go of control!

When I get out of my head and the shoulds, musts, have tos, blah blah....and let my heart lead.  Then.  Then there is Joy.

It's so simple, yet we make it so damn complicated some times!    Just remembering how simple it is, makes me feel lighter.  I'm sitting here laughing at myself and this whole crazy life!!

Control...and Surrender

Mercury retrograde, or whatever other forces within me and outside of me...thank you.

It was a tough, emotional realisation, but one that I had sensed was coming.

My issue with Control.

Why?  When did I first feel out of control?

Definitely when I started school, a couple of months before I turned 5.  Possibly even before then.

I remember walking myself home from school when my mother was late in picking me up.  New to being 5 years old, I was full of independence and a sense of freedom and adventure.  I still remember what that felt like as that little girl.  I was confident and not at all scared.  When I finally did make it the long way home, I was surprised that my mother had called the Police and that everyone that we knew had been out looking for me.  I didn't see what the fuss was.  I was home.  I'd had a great time.  I remember feeling so free on that walk.  Away from the teachers telling me what to do, how to learn, when to eat, when to go to the bathroom.  Away from everything and everyone that I knew.  Just me and my little legs taking their time, and enjoying every step.

As a child, I could feel that there was something so much ...More.  I had tasted freedom, and I loved it!  I had known it was there, but the severe reaction to me enjoying that, made for a big question in my young mind.

I grew quiet and observed how the game was played.  I found ways to pretend that I was doing the right thing.

Years of schooling, church, society, peers.  Control...think...do...act...please...play the game.

I had many spiritual insights as a child, but I didn't know what to do with them.  As a teen, I continued a spiritual search, I became more interested in health, but also in any way that I could be free.  I had an inner rebellion gathering force.   Often it would leak outwards - smoking, drinking, drugs.  Sometimes, I was just unkind to people that were genuinely trying to love me.  I am not proud of any of that.

I was restless.  I moved around.  The rest of the story doesn't really matter right now.

I wouldn't say that I was a "control freak".  But it has been a way for me to maintain my independence.  "No, I don't need help...I can do this by myself."   But at the same time, I wanted to help others.  My husband, my children, my family, friends and clients.  I got in my own way, and didn't always allow others to do things their way.

Not all of the time.  I've certainly had a lot of times when I felt like I was in the flow and accepting and allowing.

But there was still this control factor there, in the background.  The band-aid that I had put on in order to cope with this world where I didn't feel that I could always just BE.  I know that I held myself back.

In this world where there is just so much that I cannot control.  Where there are so many things that affect me deeply.  Where I just get so upset about the injustice done to other people, especially the children, also the animals and the environment.  I tried to maintain control of my own little space.  Maybe a little too much.

I now face that need to control.  I feel how it is limiting me.  I see that some of it was based in fear.
Fear of being 'wrong'.
Fear of not knowing the outcome.
Fear of needing to find a new way when I worked so damn hard to figure out the other way.
Fear of not wanting to put others out.
Fear of thinking that I am too selfish and I will hurt someone else (as I did in my teens and 20's).
Fear of shining too brightly and the safety of holding back.
(Wow.  This is why I love writing...for the personal processing that happens.  I didn't realise most of the things in this paragraph until I got out of the way and let it flow.  wow.)

I thank Control for the perceived protection it used to give me.....I see its motive, realise that it does not serve me, and I release it.

I surrender to freedom!

I go deeper into Trusting that life is unfolding as it should.

Of course there is still a game to play, and things that need to be done in this life.   But with a lighter mindset and a happy heart, I can be soaring even when I am paying bills or doing housework.  With surrender, I can accomplish the exact same things, but with peace and calm and joy, rather than frustration and fear.

This life is just so interesting.  The layers that we build up and then pull down!  What a ridiculous, hilarious, clever process it all is!

It feels as though this was just another important realisation in this winding, roller-coaster, swirling path of really living as Love.  This lesson has come up before, but I take it deeper this time.

I just need to remember:

Letting go...

In the past six weeks, I've let go of a lot.

A lot of material items, and a lot of inner releases as well.

It has been the most relaxed and joyful holiday season I've experienced for a very long time.


I've done major decluttering so many times that the process is familiar and even easy.  I don't follow anyone's 'rules' for doing so.  For example, some people try and get their wardrobe down to a set number of pieces.  I don't see the point in that.  I have a small area for my clothes.  I just want them to fit in there neatly.  I also want all of the clothes in there to be clothes that I feel happy wearing.  Every so often, I go through them all when I realise that there are clothes in there that I just haven't been wearing.  I try them on and ask myself two questions: "Is this comfortable?" (I only like clothes that I can't feel when they are on.  No scratchy areas, or seams, or tightness.)  And, "Do I feel good in this?".  The feeling is not just the physical comfort, but the sub-conscious effect of the colour and style.  With these two questions, it's very easy to decide on whether or not to keep something, or to let it go so that someone else might use it.

I have been through every cupboard of our little townhouse.  It's amazing how many bits and pieces were hiding in the shadows!   Again, two questions: "Do we actually use this?", and "Does this delight me?".  Only one question needs a "yes" for an item to stay.

If we have been somewhere special, I often pick up a stone or a shell or an unusual stick or something.  I keep these things around the place.  When I can no longer remember where I picked that piece up, and the memory associated with it, I return it to the earth.

I got rid of several pieces of furniture that were just storage places for 'stuff'.  In getting rid of a place to hold it, I then was able to be more ruthless in what stayed and what went as I moved things around.

I let go of the idea of being a great gardener.  At least while we are living here.  I have tried container gardening, but not very successfully.  If I read more about it, and tested the soil, and moved the plants in and out of the sun or fertilised more or less frequently, I'd probably do better.   I had been trying to grow different foods.  The thing is, we can easily go through one lettuce in a day or two.  The amount of space that I'd need to maintain our demand was crowding us, and the amount of time that it would take to care for that, can be better spent elsewhere.  I got rid of a lot of extra garden pots and garden paraphernalia that was cluttering up our patio.  It felt really good.

I let go of a lot of other projects that no longer felt important.  These were things that had held a little piece / peace of me as I'd thought that I should finish them someday.  Gone.  Not necessary.  I did all that I needed to do.

I let go of books that were no longer relevant.  Now all of my books fit neatly on one shelf.  I am going to take more time to read in the coming months.  I rarely read fiction, it's usually books on health and spirituality that inspire me.

With Thanksgiving, two family birthdays, Christmas, and a road trip to visit extended family, the holiday season can feel overwhelming to me.  I try to make each event and every person feel celebrated.  A huge thing for me, is that I let go of that being my job, my responsibility.  Instead,
I stayed authentically in my own Joy, and I let that ripple out.

Another huge thing for me, was that I let go of the grief that I still had about my Dad no longer being earthside.  So many of my Christmas memories featured him so strongly, especially from my childhood.  Christmas carols always reminded me of him as he loved to sing, and I loved his voice.  I let go of the attachment to those early memories, I let go of the sadness that I wouldn't hear his voice again.  Instead, I just remembered the Joy of those times.  I felt a deep Peace, and a lot of gratitude for those memories.

I let go of having to do certain things.  I wrote fewer Christmas cards.  I baked fewer cookies.  We did not put up all of the Christmas decorations.  I spent more time doing things for myself, like going for a paddle out on the lake that we live on.  Without guilt!  With Joy!

I rarely went onto any social media.  Before I cut back, I had tried to keep up with news and events from family and friends on a regular basis.  But I just stopped.  I stopped having to 'like' my friends posts.  I also stopped the subtle comparison I was subjecting myself to when I thought I should be more like some of my friends who were fitter than me, or more creative than me, or more fun than me.   I 'unliked' and unfollowed a whole bunch of pages and people.   Maybe twice a week, I might have a quick scroll through Instagram and Facebook, and that's enough.  I've got board games to play, books to read, new recipes to try, and fun to be had with the people that are here in my life right now.

I don't know what the new year has in store for us.  I feel so good to be starting the year feeling so light.  Feeling so Joy-Full.  Feeling more space within me, and around me.  Feeling calm and, with fewer distractions, more focused on goals.

I hope that you all are in a place of Peace, and that the year ahead brings you good health and great happiness.

In Joy,
Annette

Gracefully surrendering...

...the things of youth...oh what a trip this has been!...like a 3D game of snakes and ladders as my path winds around this mountain of my life.  Sometimes taking a leap forward, sometimes sliding back.  All of it has been so perfect!  The beauty of hindsight is that I can see how some of the worst times shaped me to have enormous growth.

One of the things that has helped shape me is 'Desiderata' (I've put a copy below).  My sister was given a poster of that when she was an early teenager.  I am four years younger than her and we shared a bedroom.  She had the poster on the wardrobe door and I read it many, many times.  Every day I would add a new sentence to what I had already memorized and I would say it over in my mind during the long walk to and from the school bus.  When she moved out, I got my own copy which has traveled with me in all of my moves around Australia and the world.  It's still relevant.  I find myself pondering the line: "Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth." 

In that spirit, I claim:

Love

Peace

Joy

Personal Power

Acceptance

Self-worth

as some of my most valued lessons, deeply learned and integrated.  I claim them from all of the challenges and bruises and highlights that it took to earn them during my youth.  I now own them and they will not be surrendered.  Only all of the fears and insecurities and confusion will be released.  They may just look like words, but they mean much more than that to me.  Who knew?  Growing older can come with such a beautiful Peace.  Growing into one's true self.  Not needing to prove anything to anyone.  Not needing to feel guilty.  My body may not look and act like it did years ago, but the trade for inner Peace is definitely worth it to me.

So grateful for every single breath and step along this path!


DESIDERATA

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

**************************************************************************

For the story on the discovery of this piece of inspiration, go to:

http://www.businessballs.com/desideratapoem.htm

Before Speaking...

I have often found smalltalk...well, a little challenging. There are some people that it just seems easy with, the conversation just seems to flow. We connect and can talk about any subject either lightly or in depth.  Some others though, I find myself scratching for something to talk about, sometimes finding myself saying things that just seem 'not right' for me. Afterwards I might think "why on earth did I say that?". I assume that the other person might think that I am not interested or even maybe not interesting if I don't have a lot to say. It's getting to the point where I am preferring to avoid some social settings so I don't have to be involved in conversations that seem the same repetition of meaningless drivel. (too harsh?)

I am very comfortable with myself and with my silence...when I'm by myself. I'm learning to be comfortable maintaining that in a social situation. I love this quote by Sai Baba:

"Before Speaking, Ask Yourself:

Is It Kind?

Is It Necessary?

Is It True?

Does It Improve On The Silence?"

I choose to live this! 

However the question does arise...just what DO you speak about in random social situations?  Do you really have to say anything if you don't feel inspired?  Other people may feel uncomfortable and say unkind things behind my back.  Who knows...maybe they already do?!  What others think of me in none of my business!  I can only be in control of ME....my state of mind....my inner peace....my balance...  and when I can do that, I believe that I will radiate the Love and Peace and Joy that I am feeling.

I found this other great article on 7 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Speak if you are interested in another opinion.  Worth a look!

.... I actually wrote that post earlier this year.  I've grown quite a bit since then and I no longer judge myself for what I do or don't say.  Wow!  I had forgotten that I used to do that!  It was great to read this post and see how far I've come!

Love is all that matters...

Sometimes I just "get" life!  The reason for it, the grand design.....then the ridiculous pettiness we waste time on makes me just want to laugh!

I remember that the only thing that is really important...is Love.

How we relate to each other and ourselves.  Does it really matter who is "right"?  That's ego.

I remember to Trust....that everything is unfolding as it should...that everything I need will be provided. 

I let go of attachments and I feel lighter and brighter.

I let go of having to Do anything in particular....and it frees me up to just Be Who I Really Am.  In that state, I feel more productive if I choose to be.  Operating from a center of Love makes all tasks joyful.


Now if I could just remember all of this!! 

Feeling...

Cary pointed out that I haven't posted on here for a while.  Hmmm...I haven't had much to say, and I've been busy with life, celebrating two December birthdays in our family, Christmas prep and just Being.  I started this blog years ago with the intention of posting about our family life so that our extended family and friends could get a taste of our lives and stay connected.  But it became more of an online journal for me.  After many years of keeping my own written journals, it was a bit scary to put some of my deep thoughts in such a public place...but the more I did it, the easier it became, and the more confident I felt overall.  It seemed that by allowing my thoughts to become public, I was no longer afraid of my own judgement of them.  I was surprised when friends, family and strangers would contact me to support me or ...wow...even say that I had inspired them!   I worked though some limiting stuff about my own "worth".  I am so amazed at how widespread that challenge is.  So many people feel a lack of worth, and very few of them talk about it, holding it in, thinking that they are the only one.  Why do so many feel this, and why do they feel that they can't talk about it?

I have known people that I assumed were very confident and "had it all together".  I admired how they could express themselves verbally, and many other talents they have.   I later found out that they too, feel a lack of worth.  Look at so many celebrities that have ended their lives early - why would they do that if they did not think that they deserved  all that they had?  I have never been one for spoken verbosity, and I used to think that I was "less than" others who did have that talent.  In recent years I totally let go of that limiting belief ... I fully embrace my quiet nature!  (Though I can be loud and fiery too!)   Some people are "talkers", some are "thinkers"....Me?  I'm a "feeler".  I FEEL life...I FEEL love....I interpret living primarily through feeling.  There have been times when I have felt life a foreigner speaking a different language....English is my second language, Feeling is my first.  I have a deeply sensual appreciation for all of my senses - the warmth of the sun, playing in the water, walking barefoot on the sand, touch, listening to music, eating a mango, mmm kissing!  I am triggered though when the air is cool and the air is dry, I know that I am happier when I feel warm.

I feel other peoples energy and I don't always feel the need to use words to connect with them.  I like that - the comfortable silence between friends when you can connect energetically.  I really like who I am and how I am in the world.  I like that I feel life.  I like that I don't have to talk about every single thing....I actually find verbosity somewhat exhausting now.  Even though I find it hard to make small talk, I can speak rather passionately about the things that move me.  I prefer to talk about the depth of experiences rather than what I'm having for dinner.   That's why I don't post a lot on facebook either...I don't see the point in reporting on so many little moments of my life as some people do, when I can just be feeling, experiencing those moments deeply as they are happening. (I'm not judging those people, I appreciate that we are all different...it's just not for me is all.)   I'm not trying to promote myself or build a business...my purpose here is simply to Be in Joy.  I don't need anyone's validation, I don't need to analyse every step, I am just living free!

 I am aware of other work  I would like to do when my children are grown, but there is plenty of time for that.  I love the smorgasbord of work and life experiences that I have already had, and they lead me to a place of being very grateful and content.

I am happy with who I am and I don't feel any need to "fix" any thing about me!  I don't feel the pull to write as often as I used to.  I am grateful for the amazing friends I have and how we can talk about anything and everything.   We trust each other, we laugh, we cry, we swirl deeply into any subject, we support and don't judge.  They are such a beautiful, nourishing gift in my life!

I am grateful for my journey....I enjoy being here, now... I have Love, I have Joy, I have my biggest teachers - my husband and children...I love what our family has created and Who we all are.  I'm feeling very balanced overall.  A few little highs and lows along the path, but nothing like the dramatic me as a teen and 20-something!  What a ride it has been! 

I don't remember a particular point where I gave up feeling unworthy, it was just something I quietly let go of.  As I moved into an awareness that I just don't feel that anymore,  I realised that I actually haven't felt that unworthy feeliing for quite a while.  It is totally gone. 

So where does that feeling of "not worthy" stem from?  Is it ego?  Is it a product of this society?  The pressure to "do"...to get good grades, to obey rules we don't understand, to conform, to "behave", to follow the main stream and in the process, deny ourselves?  Isn't denial of ourselves the highest form of denial?   Why do people choose a path that they assume is just for the benefit of other people?

What if...everyone felt confident enough to follow a path of happiness?  To feel free enough to express themselves authentically?  To take responsibility for the state of their life?   To wake up and realise that all of this is possible...right now?!   To choose to live in love and joy.  To realise that material objects don't bring  happiness - that's something that only an inner choice can bring.  What a wonderful world! 

The BEST seat in the house!

Or...more specifically...outside of the house...

Ahhh....I love the beach!  It is 531 casual, strolling steps from our place, through the campground and across the road to the sand.  I love this time of the year with lots of fresh tropical fruits to savour, the sunshine and warmth and of course, the magnificent ocean, perfect for swimming in.  Being in the ocean is the number one place where I feel the most free and joy-full!  Where I feel the most connected to Source and Oneness and myself.  Oh yeah... ***  bliss! ***

day camp gathering...

A recent gathering for our local Natural Learners group...so beautiful, we didn't want to leave and wished we had all taken our tents there.  The kids had so much fun playing together, moving as a pack, all getting along so well as they were all there with the intention of having fun, being in the moment, living in Joy! 

AJ with some wild raspberries..

mmmm.... 

I love the colour of this...

17 days

It's been 17 days since my Dad died suddenly.  I've been processing a lot of emotions in that time.  It's been quite a roller coaster ride actually.

Several hours after my Dad died, and before I knew, I was sleeping and I had a dream where I was aware of a strong energy around me.  The energy was light and playful and joyful and loving and very grateful to be free of the physical body.  I knew something had happened, and I woke up crying.  I actually thought that someone else had died and I had a strong feeling that I needed to call my Dad.  As it was the middle of the night, I lay awake for a while before finally going back to sleep.  When I woke up, I told Cary about the dream and, as it was only about 7am, we went for a long walk on the beach.  When we came back, the kids wanted some breakfast.  Shortly after, I was getting ready to call my Dad when my sister rang with the news.

I am very grateful for the gift of that dream.  I know that my Dad's spirit is free, really free.

Although my Dad was often busy with other commitments as we were growing up, there were still lots of memories.  A lot of them involved music and song...Family gatherings with a sing-a-long, music playing in the house, singing songs in the car, Christmas carols, watching musicals together, random moments of breaking into song.  My Dad was born on Bastille Day so every morning on his birthday, we sang the French national anthem:

"Allons enfants de la Patrie,
Le jour de gloire est arrivé !"

After the initial shock of the news, I am feeling quite peaceful now.  I know that it was my Dad visiting me in my dream, and I know he is in an amazing place.  It was so very good to be surrounded by family and friends recently.  At the private viewing, my brother and sister and I went in together to see Dad.  We cried, we sang, we told stories and jokes.  We spent a long time there, which was incredibly healing for all of us.  The following day we had a beautiful service and wake, and two days later Dad was laid to rest in Sydney.  A poem that was read for him starts off "Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free" (click for the full version).  I know it's true. I love being so close to my family, and this area is lovely and familiar as I've been visiting here most of my life.  But it doesn't feel like "my" place, ya know?  Maybe with time it could be, and maybe another time it will be, but for now, I feel like we need to move on.  I feel some sadness in that.  Sometimes I would like to be the person who can put down roots and stay in one area for a long time.  I don't like being so far away from family.  This recent event has brought that home to me.  But I need to be true to my Free Spirit self.  I am grateful that I am close in heart to my family, and I hope that now that we are mobile and not confined to a house, that we can visit more often.  My Dad's death has me thinking about many aspects of my own life and making sure I am living it as fully as possible.  Questioning if things still work for me, and if so, if they could be even better.  Thinking about what I really want, without compromising.  Thinking about who I really want to Be, and the things that are the most important to me.  This total shake-up has me feeling irritated, scattered and out of sync with the world, but I know it's just part of the process, and that in time, it will all come back together again, and flow on even more deeply and beautifully.

My Dad..

My Dad taught me:- to not be afraid of the sharks at the beach
- what to do when I saw a snake in the bush
- how to reconcile a bank statement
- the importance of treating co-workers kindly and equally.

My Dad loved to have a good time, he enjoyed living in the moment and found great joy in simple things.  Whenever we would ask him what he wanted for his birthday or Christmas, he would answer that all he wanted was a hug. 

The book "Johnathon Livingston Seagull" was a favourite of my Dads.  That story of the importance of being free to be yourself helped to shape his life and was a powerful influence on my own life.

My Dad's sudden death also has some lessons (gifts maybe?) for me:

- to live more fully...to take chances, pursue passions, follow dreams, enjoy each moment.

- to love more deeply...to be truly present when connecting with others; to give more affection, compliments and to tell others what they mean to me;  to be gentle and more forgiving towards myself and everyone else.

- to laugh more often...to not take life too seriously because it isn't permanent!  To play more and to always find the Joy.

Thanks Dad...for these and so much more.

My father..

My Dad, this blogs biggest fan, has died.

He had just celebrated his 72nd birthday.

We packed up our camping gear from the beautiful spot we had in Mission Beach and hotfooted it down the coast.  Cary did a massive job of driving the whole way..(thankyou!)

I'll write more at a later date.

...fly high songbird...

Romantic ideas?

When I was 28 years old, I left Australia to spend some time with an American man I'd met when I was working on Hamilton Island in the tropics (who I later married).  I didn't then know that I would be leaving my home country for over 12 years.  I did have four trips back to Australia in that time, but they were only 30 days or less each time.  I don't think I ever gave myself time to let go of the people, places, attachments and history that I had in Australia.  Not that I think that is entirely necessary, but in order to fully embrace living in a foreign country, it would have been helpful if I could have lived more in the moment and less with a sense of longing for something else.  The whole time I lived in the USA, I felt as though a part of me was somewhere else.

Being back in Australia for four years now, I see things through different eyes.  Maybe I had only remembered things of my past from the perspective of that younger (less mature) version of me.  Most of those people have changed, places have grown, attachments don't feel the same and history feels like it was someone else's.  I have enjoyed visiting places I knew when I was younger, but it also feels good to keep moving.  I have enjoyed reconnecting with old friends, and it has been fun to talk about old times, but then it is really sweet to return to my family, to what we have built together, to what is happening for us, right now.  Those friends have their own lives now which is different to what we had once shared.  I appreciate the new friends we have made.   I have loved time spent with my extended family here, although it has been rare as everyone is so busy, and so spread out and petrol is so expensive to get anywhere.  My history here feels vague, and I also am aware of the history we have in the USA.  I finally feel as though I can let go of attachments and more fully embrace the present and the future, wherever I am.

The new year brings a list of possibilities for our family, which may involve travel and / or moving within Australia and / or overseas.  At this stage, we just don't know.  We do know that change is coming, and we are open to that and are exploring all of the different options.  I think I may have had a romantic view in my head of what it would be like to live back in Australia.  The reality is that it has been wonderful, and exciting, and challenging, and expensive and a huge learning experience.  I have grown in many ways, but feel it is time to move on, even if it means going somewhere I have been before.  The difference is that I feel different, and I feel more whole within myself and more peaceful and more able to enjoy the moment for what it actually is, instead of some romantic notion of something that was.  I have a deep appreciation for this moment and all of the people and places and experiences that have brought me here.  I Trust that things are unfolding as they should and I look forward to all of the adventures 2011 has to offer.

May your days be filled with love for your self, all of the people in your life, and every single moment.

Namaste

kids hair...

While I'm on the subject of hair...

I started cutting the boys hair last year. At first just with the clippers, then using the scissors more on the top for AJ whose thick wavy hair looks really good with a little more on top. The last cut I gave AJ was the best I'd ever done, I thought. A few days later, he took the scissors and chopped a lot of the front off, giving him a very large forehead look. He said he wanted to look like a scientist with a big brain! I ended up getting the clippers and buzzing the rest of the top to blend it in more.

I used to trim the ends of Summer's hair when she wanted it, but then she wanted it more layered so I tried that and don't think I did a very good job. When she wanted it cut again, she went to a professional who did a very sleek, short cut. Very stylish! And yesterday we died it purple! It looks so great and she loves it! I will try to figure out how to get photos on here without my regular computer.

Not to leave Nicholas out...he just loves to have his hair cut. His hair is so easy to cut and always looks good. That boy continues to amaze me. He now makes his own sandwiches (he's 4), which is something AJ still won't do. Mind you...AJ would probably forget to eat unless I reminded him.

Ahhh...I love my life, I love my family and I love being a Life-Learning Mama!

Welcome to a new year...

I feel like I should say something profound, something inspirational about the new year. But it feels like just the day after yesterday, I'm just not 'getting' the significance of putting a new calendar on the wall. I don't see that as a sign to suddenly change aspects of my life that I wasn't happy with. Every single day, every single moment gives us an opportunity to do that. I make no 'new years resolutions'.

I woke up this morning feeling full of gratitude for this breath that keeps me here, for the love in my life that both grounds me and helps me soar, for the joy that adds depth and lightness too....for all of the people in my life, all of the experiences, for the rain that is turning our crunchy brown grass back to lush green, for the birds singing outside my window, and for the awareness of Spirit woven through it all.

This moment is wonder-full!

natural parenting

From the time Summer was born, we have been doing "attachment parenting". It's based on tribal child-raising practices. I have just come across this great article by Sagacious Mama, of why western style AP doesn't always work as well as it does for the tribal mamas. Basically, it's because we do not live in tribes. Of course! But how many of us try to replicate those philosophies - carrying our babes in slings during the day, sleeping with them at night, being there for every single moment?... Tribal mamas share those things with other family members. They are not the sole provider of care, and even when they are caring for their babes, they are surrounded by support 24/7, unlike western mamas who might get that kind of support just a couple of hours a week.

I am not saying that western-style AP cannot work, but perhaps there is a way it can work better than it is. I know there have been many times when I've felt drained and lost sight of who I am as a person and as a wife, in my attempt to be the best AP mama I could be. I think we need to start by better gentler with ourselves. Knowing it's okay to say "no" to requests that would over-stretch us, knowing it's okay to put ourselves first sometimes, knowing it's okay to have a trusted friend or family member stay with our kids for a while so we can have a date with ourselves or our partner.

In the absence of larger tribes, I see the value in extended families sharing a home, or at least sharing some land. Community living is becoming much more popular as people are realising that they have been missing something by living in crowded cities, yet so isolated from community.

I am proud of the way I have parented my children so far. I do wish though, that I would have had someone say "it's okay to let others be involved in this - it won't give your mama power away, your children will still love you". Maybe they did say that, but I wasn't listening because I thought that others would then do it their own way and not my way and that would be confusing for the kids. So..much better to have a stretched out mama who was sometimes too tired to be any thing for any one. No.

I cannot change the past, but I am ready to actively create my future that includes settling in an area where we can stay and form bonds and be a part of a community. A blend of tribe and western life. I don't plan on giving up the internet or libraries or my car. I do plan on growing food and growing friends and growing family and growing... connections. To find a balance of being present for my children, and being in touch with who I am, and not being afraid to share either.

To Cary

Mister Man,

I want the world to know how much I adore you.

I thank you for your strength - your physical strength that makes me feel so secure when you hold me; your emotional strength that is always there, so calm and sure; and your spiritual strength that inspires me.

I thank you for your sense of adventure, for your willingness to leave relative certainty behind in order to move across the world, to travel, to try new places and people and all the time see the excitement of doing so.

I thank you for your sense of fun and cheekiness.

I thank you for being a free thinker, for not always following the mainstream, for seeing how things could be, for knowing how things can be if we have the courage to be different.

I thank you for your encouragement. Though it hasn't always been what I wanted, it was always what I needed in order to get unstuck or stretch myself or grow. You know me better than I know myself. You see me as so much more than I see myself.

Thank you for you.