Speaking...

I had a friend tell me that another mutual friend has not been in touch with me lately, because she doesn't know where she stands with me.  She likes me, but her main reason?  Because I don't speak a lot.

I wasn't hurt or upset.  I didn't even feel the need to defend myself.  All of those things would have been certain once upon a time.

It was almost like a could feel a little pixie on my right shoulder just having a bit of a laugh!

Maybe that person did or didn't say that.  Maybe the message got a bit skewed in translation.   Either way, I honestly had the feeling that what another person thinks of me, is none of my business!

Maybe that other person is feeling insecure.  I personally thought that she and I had enjoyed some wonderful, and deep conversations.

Later on, I did ponder the statement though.  I thought about the way that I am with people and I just wanted to reflect on it.

At school and church, we were taught to be quiet, but then they wanted up to speak up on command.  I never bought into the trained monkey idea.

I became an observer, a listener.  I like watching people and trying to figure out why they do certain things.  I shared bits of myself at different times.  Sometimes I got hurt because of that.  So I'd pretend to be someone else that was more outgoing or more naughty or just someone that I was not, just to try and fit in.  It didn't work.  My true self said to me "what the heck are you doing?!  You are a gift and you need to let yourself be free so that you can shine!"

Great advice!

I've had a lot of people in and out of my life.  I became cautious about what I shared with new people, and I had to be really comfortable with someone before I could talk about my feelings, or my story.  That became a pattern of protection.  I aim to be kind, and open, and loving, and friendly.  I am happy to hear about you.  Maybe sometimes still, I can be so busy listening to what you are saying, with your words and / or energetically, that I don't even think to share much about my thoughts or feelings about whatever we are talking about.  Sometimes it seems that someone else has a greater need to speak, so I let them go for it.  I don't have a huge need to speak.

I find small talk painful.  And draining.

I don't enjoy being in groups where there are a few people that seem to want to dominate the conversation and talk over the top of others.  The energy feels frantic and competitive to me.

I do enjoy being in relaxed groups with gentle conversation, without needing agreement on whatever subject is being discussed.

I love to talk about the deep things.  About connection.  About finding your power.  About joy.  About what really matters to you.  About Trust.  Purpose.  Stepping up.  Falling down.  Real stuff.  That's the stuff I want to talk about!  And even better if we can chat one on one.

I am not afraid of public speaking, I can do that about any of my passions...unschooling, Love, homeschooling, living simply, Joy, connected parenting, Reiki and energy healing, traveling with children, etc.  I'm very comfortable with bartering, asking for discounts / refunds / replacements, and calmly speaking up when I know that my rights have been wronged.  Some people are terrified of all of these things.  I used to be.

I'm not verbose in person.  (Though I can ramble on via this blog!)  I like the space between the notes.  I like quiet.  Most of the time.  I'm very comfortable with it.  Some people are not and they have a need to fill up the quiet with a stream of chatter.  I don't like to ramble on about the weather, or the political situation, or what I had for lunch.  I'm not judging those who do.  Hey, if that's your thing, I'm happy for you!  Really.  And I've know plenty of lovely people whose thing it is.

I am more inclined to feel my way through life.  I really don't feel the need to talk a lot.  Some friends in the past have found that trait to be quite calming.  I'm not going to be someone that I am not.  Here I AM!  I am happy to be me!   I hope that you are happy to be You!


I'd say that this meme sums up my philosophy:

Control...and Surrender

Mercury retrograde, or whatever other forces within me and outside of me...thank you.

It was a tough, emotional realisation, but one that I had sensed was coming.

My issue with Control.

Why?  When did I first feel out of control?

Definitely when I started school, a couple of months before I turned 5.  Possibly even before then.

I remember walking myself home from school when my mother was late in picking me up.  New to being 5 years old, I was full of independence and a sense of freedom and adventure.  I still remember what that felt like as that little girl.  I was confident and not at all scared.  When I finally did make it the long way home, I was surprised that my mother had called the Police and that everyone that we knew had been out looking for me.  I didn't see what the fuss was.  I was home.  I'd had a great time.  I remember feeling so free on that walk.  Away from the teachers telling me what to do, how to learn, when to eat, when to go to the bathroom.  Away from everything and everyone that I knew.  Just me and my little legs taking their time, and enjoying every step.

As a child, I could feel that there was something so much ...More.  I had tasted freedom, and I loved it!  I had known it was there, but the severe reaction to me enjoying that, made for a big question in my young mind.

I grew quiet and observed how the game was played.  I found ways to pretend that I was doing the right thing.

Years of schooling, church, society, peers.  Control...think...do...act...please...play the game.

I had many spiritual insights as a child, but I didn't know what to do with them.  As a teen, I continued a spiritual search, I became more interested in health, but also in any way that I could be free.  I had an inner rebellion gathering force.   Often it would leak outwards - smoking, drinking, drugs.  Sometimes, I was just unkind to people that were genuinely trying to love me.  I am not proud of any of that.

I was restless.  I moved around.  The rest of the story doesn't really matter right now.

I wouldn't say that I was a "control freak".  But it has been a way for me to maintain my independence.  "No, I don't need help...I can do this by myself."   But at the same time, I wanted to help others.  My husband, my children, my family, friends and clients.  I got in my own way, and didn't always allow others to do things their way.

Not all of the time.  I've certainly had a lot of times when I felt like I was in the flow and accepting and allowing.

But there was still this control factor there, in the background.  The band-aid that I had put on in order to cope with this world where I didn't feel that I could always just BE.  I know that I held myself back.

In this world where there is just so much that I cannot control.  Where there are so many things that affect me deeply.  Where I just get so upset about the injustice done to other people, especially the children, also the animals and the environment.  I tried to maintain control of my own little space.  Maybe a little too much.

I now face that need to control.  I feel how it is limiting me.  I see that some of it was based in fear.
Fear of being 'wrong'.
Fear of not knowing the outcome.
Fear of needing to find a new way when I worked so damn hard to figure out the other way.
Fear of not wanting to put others out.
Fear of thinking that I am too selfish and I will hurt someone else (as I did in my teens and 20's).
Fear of shining too brightly and the safety of holding back.
(Wow.  This is why I love writing...for the personal processing that happens.  I didn't realise most of the things in this paragraph until I got out of the way and let it flow.  wow.)

I thank Control for the perceived protection it used to give me.....I see its motive, realise that it does not serve me, and I release it.

I surrender to freedom!

I go deeper into Trusting that life is unfolding as it should.

Of course there is still a game to play, and things that need to be done in this life.   But with a lighter mindset and a happy heart, I can be soaring even when I am paying bills or doing housework.  With surrender, I can accomplish the exact same things, but with peace and calm and joy, rather than frustration and fear.

This life is just so interesting.  The layers that we build up and then pull down!  What a ridiculous, hilarious, clever process it all is!

It feels as though this was just another important realisation in this winding, roller-coaster, swirling path of really living as Love.  This lesson has come up before, but I take it deeper this time.

I just need to remember:

Lessons in the water

I started a new tradition on my 50th birthday.  I go to the beach to watch the sunrise, then I dive into the water at the same time that I was born all of those years ago.  Usually, that is two minutes after the official sunrise time.  I don't know if it is because I was born in the morning, that I particularly like that time of the day.  Whatever, I just do.

I recently enjoyed my 52nd birthday.  I went to the beach with two of my children.  The water was still so warm that we spent over an hour playing in the waves!  I was swimming around, thinking of people that I was grateful for.  Then I decided to do some body surfing.  Gosh it felt great!  I got up from one wave, swam out again and wanted to catch another wave right away.

The wave that was coming, was one that I knew I should not attempt.  My instinct was saying 'NO'.  My mind just ignored it.  That wave flipped me hard onto the top of my head on the sand with a jolt that I felt through my entire spine.  It then turned me over and pushed me along the sand so that I grazed my face from my nose to my chin.

How humbling.

How hugely grateful I felt when I came back up and realised that my arms and legs were working and what a close call that could have been!  Other people have lost the use of their limbs from something like that.

I continued to focus on my gratitude.

I also thought of how, the previous year on my birthday, I had chosen the word 'vitality' as being something that I wanted to focus on for myself.  That made it a priority for me, and I worked with a wonderful naturopath to help turn my health around.  Not that it was bad, it just wasn't where I wanted to be.  I had a few little complaints that didn't seem to be getting any better.  I was feeling grateful for how far I had come with healing those things.

Then I just opened into a quiet space, not expecting anything.

The word "Essence" came to me.  I believe that I am to focus on going deeper and remembering my true essence in the coming year.  I know that my Essence is Love, and that it manifests as Peace and Joy.  Sometimes I forget to act like I know that.  But I now need to take that knowing deeply into everything that I do.

The next message that came to me is that I need to remember to Trust my Instincts!  Thus the lesson of the wave to cement the message!

I am looking forward to the coming year!

I hope that you are living your life in a way that is open to receiving the beautiful messages that Spirit provides us.

unexpected turn

Just as I settled into accepting that we were not getting out of our house in April to go traveling, and felt comfortable with the idea of staying in the house for at least several months beyond that....shift happens!  I had plans for the extra things I was going to do in the house...looking forward to the cooler weather coming up and doing more baking and crafts.  We moved things around and the house was feeling really good and more settled.  Ha!  We found out late yesterday that the house we are renting is going on the market for sale.  As we are on a week-to-week lease now, that gives a lot of uncertainty.  When we first got the news, Cary and I laughed at how delightful the Universe can be!  Maybe we are actually meant to go traveling after all!  We both felt incredibly calm, knowing that things were unfolding exactly as they are meant to.  We felt the alignment and knew it would all be good. 

As I tried to sleep last night, I found myself awake at 2:30am thinking of all of the little tasks involved with getting out of the house.  I'm glad I didn't start working on the vege garden again as I had planned on doing.  I'm glad we have already downsized somewhat, and I had already partly packed some boxes to go into storage.  I'm really glad we decided to keep Gypsy...that little dog is definitely a part of the family.  Several months ago we had been thinking that it may be kinder to rehome her instead of trying to travel with her.  Our biggest concern was leaving her stuck inside the camper on days when we couldn't take her with us somewhere, or the lack of a backyard for her to run freely and having to have her tied up outside.  We are working on training her so that life will be easier for her and us.  We adore her....and think we gave her the right name to be a traveling doggy!

So many other details to consider...

Ahhh...Trusting...Breathing....trying to not let my head take over and steal the Joy of the unfolding adventure.

Here we go again...

..I've done this before and it is much easier this time.  But every now and again, I have to stop and process the changes.  It's like I have a moment of doubt, or I get overwhelmed by the tasks ahead, or both.  Yes, we are drastically downsizing (again!).  An extended overseas trip is looking like the most probable path at this stage.  We are decluttering with that goal in mind, so we are getting rid of a LOT of stuff.  The piles around the house have stirred up the energy around here - we are all excited, but at times a little nervous or unsure or downright panicked!  Underlying all of those things, it feels good to have such a massive clean up.

There are so many things that I am just not attached to in this house.  When we did the big move from the USA to Australia over 4 years ago, I found it very hard to sort through my books.  I had a six-shelf bookshelf full of books on parenting, nutrition, spirituality, natural health and healing. Going through those books was like trying to figure out who I really was as I had to pick just 10 books to bring with me. (We had decided not to ship the whole house and to stick to absolutely favourite things.)  I almost felt like I was letting go of untapped parts of me as I let go of those books.  I now see that as crazy as it actually freed me to discover a new dimension of JOY! I learned to trust myself more as the authority in my own life - not any author or 'guru'.  I found that the books I had brought with me, I rarely even looked at!  I was so busy with the adventure of life and discovering the new place and new parts of myself  that I had to laugh at myself for being so attached to some books.  That process helped me so much with questioning my attachment to things.  Well, that and living on the road for a year - that sealed the lesson!

I still have some books, and some of the books that I had let go of in the USA actually came back to me here via op shops, or gifts.  When I release my books this time, I know that the lessons that may be contained in those books for me, will come back to me if I need them.  Maybe in a conversation, a bumper sticker, a quote on facebook or even the same book at a yard sale.  Maybe I don't even need these books, but I will release them at the right time, in the right place for someone who does need them, and trust that they will find them.

It's not just books, but the other 'stuff'.  My sister has kindly offered to store our photos and some favourite things at her home (thank you SO much Ros!), which makes packing and sorting so much easier.  I know we'll be back to visit and the kids will have some favourite things here waiting for them to play with when they get here.

Our departure date is not set.  We still have several months here at least.  AJ has asked that we be back in the USA by 4th July as he wants to buy a lot of fireworks!  Cary will be going back there in April, and the kids and I will probably do some traveling in Oz before we go.   Many new adventures waiting for us! 

Romantic ideas?

When I was 28 years old, I left Australia to spend some time with an American man I'd met when I was working on Hamilton Island in the tropics (who I later married).  I didn't then know that I would be leaving my home country for over 12 years.  I did have four trips back to Australia in that time, but they were only 30 days or less each time.  I don't think I ever gave myself time to let go of the people, places, attachments and history that I had in Australia.  Not that I think that is entirely necessary, but in order to fully embrace living in a foreign country, it would have been helpful if I could have lived more in the moment and less with a sense of longing for something else.  The whole time I lived in the USA, I felt as though a part of me was somewhere else.

Being back in Australia for four years now, I see things through different eyes.  Maybe I had only remembered things of my past from the perspective of that younger (less mature) version of me.  Most of those people have changed, places have grown, attachments don't feel the same and history feels like it was someone else's.  I have enjoyed visiting places I knew when I was younger, but it also feels good to keep moving.  I have enjoyed reconnecting with old friends, and it has been fun to talk about old times, but then it is really sweet to return to my family, to what we have built together, to what is happening for us, right now.  Those friends have their own lives now which is different to what we had once shared.  I appreciate the new friends we have made.   I have loved time spent with my extended family here, although it has been rare as everyone is so busy, and so spread out and petrol is so expensive to get anywhere.  My history here feels vague, and I also am aware of the history we have in the USA.  I finally feel as though I can let go of attachments and more fully embrace the present and the future, wherever I am.

The new year brings a list of possibilities for our family, which may involve travel and / or moving within Australia and / or overseas.  At this stage, we just don't know.  We do know that change is coming, and we are open to that and are exploring all of the different options.  I think I may have had a romantic view in my head of what it would be like to live back in Australia.  The reality is that it has been wonderful, and exciting, and challenging, and expensive and a huge learning experience.  I have grown in many ways, but feel it is time to move on, even if it means going somewhere I have been before.  The difference is that I feel different, and I feel more whole within myself and more peaceful and more able to enjoy the moment for what it actually is, instead of some romantic notion of something that was.  I have a deep appreciation for this moment and all of the people and places and experiences that have brought me here.  I Trust that things are unfolding as they should and I look forward to all of the adventures 2011 has to offer.

May your days be filled with love for your self, all of the people in your life, and every single moment.

Namaste

more growth..

My dear Dad gently pointed out to me yesterday that I haven't blogged since 13 November.  Yeah...I've been a little anti-social lately.  My last post was concerned with some physical stuff.  Right after I'd posted that, a whole bunch of mental stuff came up and I admit to struggling with processing it all.  Some of you know that we've been dealing with a legal issue concerning a camper that we sold in August.  The people that bought it changed their minds, but instead of saying that, they started claiming all kinds of things were wrong with the camper (which we knew they absolutely were not), they got different Government agencies onto us (we were cleared of everything), and they generally have been making life, well, a little challenging.  The worst moment was when the man came to our house when Cary was overseas and was yelling at me and saying things that are not true.  The worst thing about that was that the children were present and were scared.  It took away some of the "safe place" that a home is meant to be and now we always make sure the front door is locked when we are home.  We had offered to fix the things that the people claimed were not right with the camper (which we did not have to do), but then they would change their story of what it actually was they had a problem with. The constant threats and dark negativity from those people have been exhausting.  I let the situation take over my life.

In recent weeks, the situation came to a head with an official mediation, which was a joke, followed by many phone calls and emails between us and their legal advisor (who just gave up after a while as they were so unreasonable, he told them he wouldn't help them anymore), and our solicitor.  We offered to buy the camper back as it's a great camper and we would like to use it to do some long-term camping next year.   We are still in the process of agreeing on terms of settlement.  If we can't do that, then we will be going to court early next year.  It has been upsetting to be on the defensive when we have done nothing wrong!

All along, we could see that these other people were in some kind of mental pain.  We sent them peace energetically and we really wanted them to be happy.  Using Law of Attraction, I felt and saw the outcome I desired.  Coming to my house and threatening me I can deal with, but scaring my children is crossing the line.  I have found it hard to think kindly towards these people after doing that, especially as we had offered to fix any problems (when we really didn't have to).  Maybe their pain has been so deep, that they just don't know another way of dealing with life? 

Cary and I have been bickering a lot due to the tension caused by this matter in our lives.  We had different ideas on some of the points raised and the underlying causes.  Before the mediation, we had the idea to go back on the road, and as we don't currently have a camper, we thought it would be win-win if we agreed to buy it back.  We set numerous dates to settle the matter but there was always a last minute change.  I felt as though I couldn't plan anything.  I no longer knew if we were even going to get the camper back and be able to go traveling, or if we were going to be going to court.  Then there was discussion about returning to the USA.  With two birthdays and Christmas in December, I couldn't even think about what kinds of things to get as gifts if we were going to be downsizing or moving or who knew what other option may pop up?!

I started spiralling down.  I was still trying to take care of my physical body, but it wasn't enough...my mind was in a spin.  I thought things like "what have I done to attract these people into my life?", but then countered that with "what can I learn from this...what lessons are here for me?".  The drama of it all was taking over and I was letting it steal my Joy.  I came to realise several things:

* Compared to what some other people are facing in their lives right at this moment (or have faced in their lives) - death of a loved one (I was using a lot of leverage of myself so I focused on people I knew that had lost a child); serious illness; chronic pain; financial ruin - this whole situation was a mere nuisance.  A little bump in the road.  So I greatly downgraded it's importance.

*  As a "sensitive" person, I had allowed the negativity from the other people to get to me.  I usually go through life expecting the best from people, so I stay open to receiving that.  However, in this case, I was also open to receiving the opposite of that, so I need to work on protecting myself energetically.  That could also help me in crowded situations which tend to totally overwhelm me when I haven't prepared myself.

*  These people, this situation, does not control me.  I had given away some of my control, my power, when I let my days be guided by all of the phone calls and emails and trying to fit in with making new settlement plans.  I reclaim my Power and take back control of my own life!

*  I am safe.

*  I am strong.

*  I am grateful for every person and thing in my life as everyone who is in my life is here for a reason.  Sometimes recognising that lessons don't always come in "nice" packages, has it's benefits as it gives us an opportunity to grow stronger in a new, maybe uncomfortable, way.  So, I am grateful for these people, for the chance to explore confrontation (definitely not my strength previously...I've usually been the Peacemaker).  I have grown stronger in that department and I'm sure that will filter into other areas of my life. 

*  I am grateful for the experience as it has opened our eyes to focusing on what is most important in our lives.  There were times when we were so immersed in dealing with this situation, that we were not very kind to each other.  We were in our own spaces in attempting to process this and find the solution that best fitted our own needs.  Mine was Peace, and I admire Cary for standing up for what he knows is right and for refusing to be bullied, but our methods  didn't always agree.  He maintained "the good guys don't hide".

*  I am also grateful for the opportunity to explore different options in the direction of our lives.  Staying here, traveling, moving.  Ultimately, the importance of flexibility is necessary for us.

*  I am grateful for the lesson in detachment.  Not just from things - I was excited when I thought we were getting the camper back..then we weren't ...then we were..then we weren't..argh!- , but from ideas too.  I had to release the way that I wanted this to play out as it was just not working out that way.  Doing so has allowed new ideas and possibilities to surface and swirl in our lives.  Who says we can't have a base here AND travel AND spend time in the USA?!

*  I am grateful for the lesson in TRUST.   I've always believed that "everything I needed would be provided", though I have usually only accepted that in positive situations, not ones that could be percieved as 'negative'.  However, I also know that God would not send me anything that I could not handle.  So I am grateful for remembering that I am not alone and that All Is Well.

...I don't know how the story with the camper will end, but I do know that my approach to it now is calm and peaceful and loving.  I have let go of fear and move forward with excitement in knowing that the Universe has provided a very interesting life for me!  I have my Joy again!