My evolution...

This blogging journey has been interesting.  For me anyway.  Recently, I randomly selected some old posts and it's been interesting to read them and see what was going on in my life then.  Some made me laugh out loud.  Some made me a little sad.  Some made me smile, and some made me think "what the...?"!

I can see some patterns.  Some breakthroughs.  Some times when lessons were repeated, so maybe I didn't always "get" them to the degree that I thought that I did at the time.  Maybe life is just so full at times, that it's easy to get distracted from remembering to stay present, or to fill myself with love all of the time, or to write five things that I'm grateful for every single day.  Or whatever I think that I "should" be doing.

I had a poster of the following 'Ten Rules for Being Human' on my wall when I was a teenager.  It was near my 'Desiderata' poster.  Such wonderful inspiration to share my days with!   I have often remembered, and quoted, parts of both.  Mostly to myself.   It's number 10 on the Rules that always gets me though!

Argh!  Just when I think I've got it, Number 10 strikes again!!

It has taken repetition, and a gradual chipping away at some old patterns.  It has taken me forgetting on a conscious level, so that, when the lesson appears again, I can go deeper into remembering.

I think that all of the "big" lessons for me, have really how to incorporate all of those "little" lessons into my very Being.

Hmm, into my very Being.

That's it!   They become a part of the way that we are, the way that we live every moment.  So then we no longer have to consciously remember them.

Some lessons take longer to incorporate.  That chipping away at old patterns.
Some might hit us with full force after a sudden awareness, which may or may not be triggered by a major event in our life.

Remember to be gentle with the process. Because learning lessons does not end, as long as we are still breathing!

Remember that all that really matters, is love.

Love is our Soul Purpose.

And that you have all of the tools and resources and answers within you already to know how to live that!

Slow down...

"Can you slow down please Mom?", said my 11 year old son as he reached out to hold my hand.

We were walking along the beach, soon after the sunrise.

We often did this.  For me, it was a dual purpose activity.  Get some exercise for me and whoever else came along with me, and spending time in nature.

I didn't realise how often the first reason dominated.

There I was, fast walking through the soft sand as I'd done so many times before.  I look at the rising sun, the waves, the sprinkling of seashells.  And I think that I'm doing myself a favour by grounding myself while also pushing myself to walk fast, to see if I can break a little sweat.  To look for the softest sand to walk in as that's more challenging.  To get my main workout for the day over and done with.

And encouraging my kids to do the same.  Not so much with my words, but definitely with my actions.

I started "exercising" in my teens, though I'd always been pretty active anyway.  I studied fitness, health, nutrition.  I worked in the fitness industry.  Also from my teens, I read books on mind-body-spirit connection and spirituality.

I thought that I "got" it.  To some degree, I did.  Sometimes, much more than others.

But today, I got a deeper lesson.  From one of my greatest teachers.  My son.  Who, at almost 12 years old, still loves to hold my hand and have long chats with me.

All that I had to do, was to slow down.

I remembered that I need to let go of control...and surrender to another way.  It's okay for me to stop rushing, and moving fast.  I'm not going to seize up, or turn into a blob if I stop walking fast all the time.  In fact, I might even firm up and trim down as I won't be constantly creating stress in my body which only encourages the body to hold onto weight.

I was so focused on the exercise portion of the morning, that I was down-playing the JOY factor.

Thankfully, I listened to my teacher.

So, we played.

We took turns playing follow-the-leader where the person in front walks all kinds of silly ways, and the person following, has to try and step into their footprints in exactly the same way. It always ends in lots of giggles.

We climbed on the boulders.

We wrote in the sand.

We played at the edge of the water, jumping and stomping through the shallow water.

I got a lesson in balance, and in the importance of JOY!

My body felt happy just because it was moving in a playful way.  The effect was longer-lasting both physically and mentally, than if I had pushed myself to work hard.

There is so much emphasis on results, that we often forget that the process is what's really important.

The happiest times of my life, were when I lived that.  When I was not even focused on "living in Joy".  When our days consisted of play, and movement, and nature, and just Being, and without even trying, or thinking about it, I was living in a state of Joy.

I know that I've lived it before.  I know that I can do it again.

Thankfully, I have a great teacher who will remind me!

I'm not going to stop doing intense workouts.   There is something really empowering about pushing myself to go a bit further, or harder, or to lift heavier.  But I will aim to remember to not take it all too seriously, and to have fun and enJOY the process.  Perhaps I'll even stop referring to them as "workouts", and instead call it "play time" to remind me of where my focus would better serve me.

There is so much freedom in letting go of control!

When I get out of my head and the shoulds, musts, have tos, blah blah....and let my heart lead.  Then.  Then there is Joy.

It's so simple, yet we make it so damn complicated some times!    Just remembering how simple it is, makes me feel lighter.  I'm sitting here laughing at myself and this whole crazy life!!

Lessons in the water

I started a new tradition on my 50th birthday.  I go to the beach to watch the sunrise, then I dive into the water at the same time that I was born all of those years ago.  Usually, that is two minutes after the official sunrise time.  I don't know if it is because I was born in the morning, that I particularly like that time of the day.  Whatever, I just do.

I recently enjoyed my 52nd birthday.  I went to the beach with two of my children.  The water was still so warm that we spent over an hour playing in the waves!  I was swimming around, thinking of people that I was grateful for.  Then I decided to do some body surfing.  Gosh it felt great!  I got up from one wave, swam out again and wanted to catch another wave right away.

The wave that was coming, was one that I knew I should not attempt.  My instinct was saying 'NO'.  My mind just ignored it.  That wave flipped me hard onto the top of my head on the sand with a jolt that I felt through my entire spine.  It then turned me over and pushed me along the sand so that I grazed my face from my nose to my chin.

How humbling.

How hugely grateful I felt when I came back up and realised that my arms and legs were working and what a close call that could have been!  Other people have lost the use of their limbs from something like that.

I continued to focus on my gratitude.

I also thought of how, the previous year on my birthday, I had chosen the word 'vitality' as being something that I wanted to focus on for myself.  That made it a priority for me, and I worked with a wonderful naturopath to help turn my health around.  Not that it was bad, it just wasn't where I wanted to be.  I had a few little complaints that didn't seem to be getting any better.  I was feeling grateful for how far I had come with healing those things.

Then I just opened into a quiet space, not expecting anything.

The word "Essence" came to me.  I believe that I am to focus on going deeper and remembering my true essence in the coming year.  I know that my Essence is Love, and that it manifests as Peace and Joy.  Sometimes I forget to act like I know that.  But I now need to take that knowing deeply into everything that I do.

The next message that came to me is that I need to remember to Trust my Instincts!  Thus the lesson of the wave to cement the message!

I am looking forward to the coming year!

I hope that you are living your life in a way that is open to receiving the beautiful messages that Spirit provides us.

Gracefully surrendering...

...the things of youth...oh what a trip this has been!...like a 3D game of snakes and ladders as my path winds around this mountain of my life.  Sometimes taking a leap forward, sometimes sliding back.  All of it has been so perfect!  The beauty of hindsight is that I can see how some of the worst times shaped me to have enormous growth.

One of the things that has helped shape me is 'Desiderata' (I've put a copy below).  My sister was given a poster of that when she was an early teenager.  I am four years younger than her and we shared a bedroom.  She had the poster on the wardrobe door and I read it many, many times.  Every day I would add a new sentence to what I had already memorized and I would say it over in my mind during the long walk to and from the school bus.  When she moved out, I got my own copy which has traveled with me in all of my moves around Australia and the world.  It's still relevant.  I find myself pondering the line: "Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth." 

In that spirit, I claim:

Love

Peace

Joy

Personal Power

Acceptance

Self-worth

as some of my most valued lessons, deeply learned and integrated.  I claim them from all of the challenges and bruises and highlights that it took to earn them during my youth.  I now own them and they will not be surrendered.  Only all of the fears and insecurities and confusion will be released.  They may just look like words, but they mean much more than that to me.  Who knew?  Growing older can come with such a beautiful Peace.  Growing into one's true self.  Not needing to prove anything to anyone.  Not needing to feel guilty.  My body may not look and act like it did years ago, but the trade for inner Peace is definitely worth it to me.

So grateful for every single breath and step along this path!


DESIDERATA

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

**************************************************************************

For the story on the discovery of this piece of inspiration, go to:

http://www.businessballs.com/desideratapoem.htm

Before Speaking...

I have often found smalltalk...well, a little challenging. There are some people that it just seems easy with, the conversation just seems to flow. We connect and can talk about any subject either lightly or in depth.  Some others though, I find myself scratching for something to talk about, sometimes finding myself saying things that just seem 'not right' for me. Afterwards I might think "why on earth did I say that?". I assume that the other person might think that I am not interested or even maybe not interesting if I don't have a lot to say. It's getting to the point where I am preferring to avoid some social settings so I don't have to be involved in conversations that seem the same repetition of meaningless drivel. (too harsh?)

I am very comfortable with myself and with my silence...when I'm by myself. I'm learning to be comfortable maintaining that in a social situation. I love this quote by Sai Baba:

"Before Speaking, Ask Yourself:

Is It Kind?

Is It Necessary?

Is It True?

Does It Improve On The Silence?"

I choose to live this! 

However the question does arise...just what DO you speak about in random social situations?  Do you really have to say anything if you don't feel inspired?  Other people may feel uncomfortable and say unkind things behind my back.  Who knows...maybe they already do?!  What others think of me in none of my business!  I can only be in control of ME....my state of mind....my inner peace....my balance...  and when I can do that, I believe that I will radiate the Love and Peace and Joy that I am feeling.

I found this other great article on 7 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Speak if you are interested in another opinion.  Worth a look!

.... I actually wrote that post earlier this year.  I've grown quite a bit since then and I no longer judge myself for what I do or don't say.  Wow!  I had forgotten that I used to do that!  It was great to read this post and see how far I've come!

Loving my Life...

I am so in Love with my Life...my husband, my children, my friends, my home, the different communities we are involved in.  I feel so very grateful!

Yesterday, one of our neighbours gave us some lemons from their lemon tree.  The tree is located at their house nearby...they don't live there, they much prefer the caravan life so they have other people living in their house.  Our neighbours go over and tend to the garden when they need to or if they are passing by, they will harvest some of the fruit.  They have an abundance of lemons at the moment and were happy to share with everyone here.  Nicholas loves to make lemonade so he did that, and we also made vegan lemon poppy seed muffins.  Soooo good!  Of course we took some over to our neighbours that had given us the lemons, and we gave some to another neighbour who always brings us bread as she works at a bakery. 

Cary and another neighbour swap books and then stand in the middle of the road chatting about them...and setting the world right of course too!

I just love the relaxed, supportive community that we have here at the campground.  Nothing is forced.  Interactions are as much or as little as we want.  They are genuine, "this is me - you like or you don't...not my problem".  I feel no self-consciousness walking around, still in my PJ's in the middle of the day if I want to.

I love our community of other Natural Learning families and the commitment we have to support each other.  The women in this group are amazing!  We can talk about anything and everything and feel fully supported and nourished by the love and encouragement there.

I am blessed with other beautiful, spiritual, friends in other circles.  We are each others teachers and students and they contribute to my depth and my expansion.

Of course, the reason and the delight and the stars and the moon and all of the sparkly special, wonderful purpose for my life is my own little family and what we create every single day.  I am so honoured to be Cary's wife and my children's mama!  I am in awe of the people my children are already.  I am so deeply happy to be sharing this with Cary!  Our 18 year journey hasn't always been smooth, but I am so grateful that we stuck it out and got over the rough patches to get to this place of deeper love, commitment, respect and gratitude. 

Life is so sweet! 

Running water...

When our big caravan arrived, it took Cary a couple of days to find the fittings to connect the water to the inside.

I was so excited!  After a couple of months of camping, I was thrilled to have inside running water.  I did a little song and dance when I was filling up the sink to wash dishes...inside...because I could!

Then we found a leak and had to disconnect the water.  Cary tried to fix it, but it did not get done before he left.  I was so disappointed.  The kids and I had to go outside and fill up the filter jugs and bottles of water to use as flush water for the toilet.  This was inconvenient, especially when it was raining or cold.  My StepMom joked that I did have running water...I run out to get it and then I run back in again!

Cary got the part I needed from the USA and mailed it to me when he was there.  When I got the package, I was excited again, thinking that I would have inside running water.  But I couldn't get the part to fit.  I grunted and pushed and pulled and twisted and tried different things.  I swore and raised my voice and then I had a big release and realised that I was just fine without the running water.  I did not need it in order to be happy...the way we were doing things was working just fine.

Life was simpler once I accepted the water situation.  When I let go of it "having" to be a certain way, and just started to appreciate the way it was - I am so lucky to have water so close...and that I don't have to walk 3 miles with a pot of it on my head!  We are so lucky to have fit bodies to be able to move and lift and carry!

Cary got back yesterday.  He fixed the water, including the hot water.  It is nice to have it, but I am actually not attached to it.  It would not have bothered me if it wasn't fixed at all.   I just have to smile at how glad I am that I am in control of how I choose to feel...I do not need running water, or other "things" in order to be happy.  I can choose to be happy right now, now matter what is happening around me. 

I am so grateful that Cary is back safely, and that we can continue on this journey, together.

grateful...

The caravan park that we are staying at does not allow pets.  It was the biggest sticking point about coming back to this area as it is very limited on pet-friendly parks.  We could have chosen a park that is in the middle of being remodelling and will not have any swimming pool or play areas for the kids and is also right next to the M1 motorway (um...no thankyou..especially as the prices were more than we were paying to rent a house), or a couple of other small, out-of-the-way parks.  Or this one, huge park, across the road from the beach, three swimming pools, very close to great libraries, shops, our storage unit and, of course, the beach (!), security gate, and it's actually very quiet.  Well, it was until Nicholas arrived!

We found a lady who created a business in dog-minding who lives close to us.  We were paying her to do so until she suggested we could trade her ... we clean her house every week in return for her looking after Gypsy.  In order to save money, I said yes, even though one of the reasons I was excited about being house-free again was to almost eliminate housework!  Ha!  However, it has been a good thing as it constantly reminds me of how much I don't want to be back in a house.  After Cary went back to the USA and I spent several weeks trying to adjust to a brand new (to us) caravan, trying to get an efficient system happening,  as well trying to process the events of recent months, and sort through our storage unit, I could have been tempted to say "enough" and take what seemed like an easier route (at the time), back into a house.  Cleaning Lynne's house cured me of that and I got back on track with my gratitude of this simple life!

I love that every single thing in my kitchen are things that I use regularly, no excess.  That all of the food in the cupboard is food that we will actually use, not something I bought on a whim because I "might" do something with it.  That all of my clothes are clothes that I actually like and wear. 

I love that this lifestyle inspires me to be more conscious of anything I purchase. I like that I am never tempted to buy more than I can actually use whether for its function or to add beauty to our home.

 

The children are still in the process of fine-tuning their efficiency with the areas that they have, which has caused them a little stress at times.  It's also allowing them to really get in touch with the things that are the most important to them at the time.  By putting excess things into storage for now, they are appreciating and using the things that they have here, and there is no feeling of overwhelm of "too much stuff". 

This life also encourages us all to be considerate of others by putting our things away when we are finished with them in order to prevent clutter, and to just keep life rolling more harmoniously.   Then we have more time to do fun things, like go to the beach, or ride our bikes, or sit in the sun and read a book, or draw or play music.  Or just Be.   Our van is big enough for a full size set of conga drums which we all enjoy playing, and AJ has been loving learning the guitar and reading novels.  Summer is drawing and reading more.  Nicholas spends hours playing with other kids in the park or with the toys he has here.  I'm reading the "Captain Underpants" books to him at the moment which he thinks are fantastic! 

We are grateful for the two mornings each week that we go to Lynne's place to see Gypsy.  Honestly though, I can feel us all detaching.  The possibility of rehoming Gypsy is in my mind.  I feel kind of bad about that as I had made the commitment to Gypsy and also to AJ, but I also need to consider the effect this current situation is having on the entire family.  Even though I try and see it as an act of service, I do feel a little resentful.  Gypsy is really happy being in a situation where she gets to play with other dogs regularly.  Perhaps the kindest thing for her would be to find another home with another dog or dogs, rather than the current uncertainty of when we would be able to be back together with her.

I don't know what we will decide.  I do know that I am grateful for this life, this moment, these lessons, the opportunity to see what is working and how much of any situation we will take before demanding a different option, to declare authenticity, to keep growing, as messy and tough and beautiful as it is.  I am grateful for this very breath that quietly assures me that I am meant to be here, now. 

17 days

It's been 17 days since my Dad died suddenly.  I've been processing a lot of emotions in that time.  It's been quite a roller coaster ride actually.

Several hours after my Dad died, and before I knew, I was sleeping and I had a dream where I was aware of a strong energy around me.  The energy was light and playful and joyful and loving and very grateful to be free of the physical body.  I knew something had happened, and I woke up crying.  I actually thought that someone else had died and I had a strong feeling that I needed to call my Dad.  As it was the middle of the night, I lay awake for a while before finally going back to sleep.  When I woke up, I told Cary about the dream and, as it was only about 7am, we went for a long walk on the beach.  When we came back, the kids wanted some breakfast.  Shortly after, I was getting ready to call my Dad when my sister rang with the news.

I am very grateful for the gift of that dream.  I know that my Dad's spirit is free, really free.

Although my Dad was often busy with other commitments as we were growing up, there were still lots of memories.  A lot of them involved music and song...Family gatherings with a sing-a-long, music playing in the house, singing songs in the car, Christmas carols, watching musicals together, random moments of breaking into song.  My Dad was born on Bastille Day so every morning on his birthday, we sang the French national anthem:

"Allons enfants de la Patrie,
Le jour de gloire est arrivé !"

After the initial shock of the news, I am feeling quite peaceful now.  I know that it was my Dad visiting me in my dream, and I know he is in an amazing place.  It was so very good to be surrounded by family and friends recently.  At the private viewing, my brother and sister and I went in together to see Dad.  We cried, we sang, we told stories and jokes.  We spent a long time there, which was incredibly healing for all of us.  The following day we had a beautiful service and wake, and two days later Dad was laid to rest in Sydney.  A poem that was read for him starts off "Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free" (click for the full version).  I know it's true. I love being so close to my family, and this area is lovely and familiar as I've been visiting here most of my life.  But it doesn't feel like "my" place, ya know?  Maybe with time it could be, and maybe another time it will be, but for now, I feel like we need to move on.  I feel some sadness in that.  Sometimes I would like to be the person who can put down roots and stay in one area for a long time.  I don't like being so far away from family.  This recent event has brought that home to me.  But I need to be true to my Free Spirit self.  I am grateful that I am close in heart to my family, and I hope that now that we are mobile and not confined to a house, that we can visit more often.  My Dad's death has me thinking about many aspects of my own life and making sure I am living it as fully as possible.  Questioning if things still work for me, and if so, if they could be even better.  Thinking about what I really want, without compromising.  Thinking about who I really want to Be, and the things that are the most important to me.  This total shake-up has me feeling irritated, scattered and out of sync with the world, but I know it's just part of the process, and that in time, it will all come back together again, and flow on even more deeply and beautifully.

My Dad..

My Dad taught me:- to not be afraid of the sharks at the beach
- what to do when I saw a snake in the bush
- how to reconcile a bank statement
- the importance of treating co-workers kindly and equally.

My Dad loved to have a good time, he enjoyed living in the moment and found great joy in simple things.  Whenever we would ask him what he wanted for his birthday or Christmas, he would answer that all he wanted was a hug. 

The book "Johnathon Livingston Seagull" was a favourite of my Dads.  That story of the importance of being free to be yourself helped to shape his life and was a powerful influence on my own life.

My Dad's sudden death also has some lessons (gifts maybe?) for me:

- to live more fully...to take chances, pursue passions, follow dreams, enjoy each moment.

- to love more deeply...to be truly present when connecting with others; to give more affection, compliments and to tell others what they mean to me;  to be gentle and more forgiving towards myself and everyone else.

- to laugh more often...to not take life too seriously because it isn't permanent!  To play more and to always find the Joy.

Thanks Dad...for these and so much more.

I am so grateful for...

...rain
...cool weather
...noise
...chaos
...challenges

... as they all give me a much greater appreciation for, and joy in...

...sunshine
...warmth
...quiet
...calm
...growth

Thank you life, for your highs and lows, for all of the experiences that allow me to shift and stretch and become more of Who I Really Am.

me n my gal..

I love having a daughter!  I love sharing the girly things in life with her.  She is usually the one making me a little more girly and I kinda like that.  She loves to try on clothes, look at jewelry and paint toe nails.  She adds a softness to the male energy in the house.  She helps out in so many ways around the house, from the practical things that need doing, to helping me stay balanced when I start to feel a little overwhelmed. 

She can be sweet and gentle, or loud and fiery.  She is very much her own person and does everything in her own way and her own time.  That may not look like a lot of other kids, but that is what makes her so unique.  She is aware that she is living her life, her way, on her timetable.  We are so grateful that we have the opportunity for her to live her life this way, unfolding in her own way.

Being my oldest child, she has also been on the receiving end of my entire parenting journey - the great moments, and the times I'm not proud of.  She has been my best teacher in patience, and trust and unconditional love.

She is very generous and she has been giving away a lot of her childhood toys in the past year.  Slowly moving into a new phase of her life.  Sometimes she cries because she does not want to grow up, other times she is excited thinking of the time left before she can drive. She is observant of others and will often play with the younger children at our different groups, to make sure they are included.

I am so honoured that she chose me as her mama.  I am so grateful for her love and depth.

Today I am especially grateful for...

friends...past and present.  Thank you for all of the friends that have touched my life thus far.  For those that I haven't been in touch with for some time - whether or not we shall meet again - thank you for the special role you played at the time.  I send you love and hope you are happy and healthy.  For those of you who are currently a player in my life, thank you for the joy and encouragement and inspiration you share.  I love you!

Today I am especially grateful for...

...the infinte nature of love and life

Gratitude

That's my word of the season.  For many years my word was 'Peace'.  I surrounded myself with words, music, pictures and colours that would remind me of that, and until I eventually started to own it.  I've played with other guide words since then, but they didn't affect me the way that Peace, and now Gratitude have.

For quite a while I've been saying that I'm grateful for (something) and I really have been.  I've been deeply touched by periods of immense gratitude for the joys of life.  I've noticed that during those times, I also felt aligned with the deep calm within, and felt in tune with the song of my spirit. 

I feel that owning Peace opened me more to Trusting the unfolding of life, and to accepting the things that are beyond my control.  In being more aware of all that I am grateful for, I can take that deeper to living more consistently with Joy.  Whether that Joy is the quiet fullness of my heart, or the crazy, jumping up-and-down, let-me-at-it pull towards an adventure or a moment, I am living with it more often. 

I had a lot of external 'peaceful' stimulus around me when I was learning to adopt Peace into myself.  On this Gratitude journey, I am finding that I just need to remember to pause and reflect on any of the things I am grateful for.  It's triggered from within.  Then the Joy radiates out.  And I am so grateful for that!

lessons from the floor...

...the bathroom floor actually.  I was lying there last night, massive migraine...why?  I felt grateful that my year of weekly migraines was far behind me, but it has been such a long time since I had felt so awful.  I knew it would pass, but it wasn't going to be pretty.  I remembered the years of abuse that I had intentionally inflicted on my body that had sometimes put me in the same position.  I am sooo glad I no longer do those things.  What was going on in my life that had brought me there last night? 

My body is used to eating a pretty clean, simple diet.  It chugs along quite comfortably with that, a little exercise and awareness of stress.  I know that I had eaten some things I don't usually eat while on our road trip, vegetarian instead of vegan, and a little more processed foods that the mostly fresh food I eat.  I didn't exercise a whole lot while we were away, but I was really happy that we had taken two hoops with us and I had more free time to play with those.  We would pull them out almost every time we stopped for any reason and hoop around a little - so great for loosening up the stiff lower back from sitting in the car! 

As I was lying on the floor, I was grateful for the efficiency of my body.  I was grateful for the awareness that there may be a lesson or two there for me. 

The other main difference yesterday was that I had had a cup of coffee.  I have had less than 10 cups of coffee in my whole life.  Now I remember why.  I love the smell, but it does not like me!  I think it was the final push after eating the other things. 

So, apart from not drinking coffee again, what else was going on?  I felt like there was more.  I felt a renewed promise to take care of myself, - my body and how I nourish it through nutrition and move it joyfully, - my mind and where I put my attention and awareness, - my spirit and living my truth.   I was aware that I had been complaining about someone who had been very judgemental, but in my complaining, I had been judging them!  (who's the hypocrite now?!)  I was aware that I have gotten away from some of my core values, just a subtle little side-step, but I made a promise to myself to fully embrace those things again.

Although my experience on the floor was uncomfortable, and messy, it was effective in giving me a little shake to get me back on track.  This morning I feel a little weak in my body, but stronger in my spirit.  I feel excited and grateful for the awareness that allows me to grow, even when I'm down and out. 

no excuses

We have received news that we need to be out of this house by the end of June.   It's good to know as it helps us play around with different possibilities.  I almost said that it helps us plan, but that's just amusing as our plans tend to get changed all of the time.  The unfolding process seems so much more exciting when I can see the sea of possibilities and dive into that, rather that sitting on the edge fishing for a particular path that must be ours.  I make no excuses for changing my mind regularly and I will not be tied down to living a life that is not authentic to my strong needs for freedom and flexibility!

Being in this house for 2.5 years has given me so many lessons.  After reluctantly getting off the road to stay here awhile, I came to appreciate the house, but more so, our life here.  In the last 12 months, the feeling of stagnation has been growing stronger, with a side order of restlessness.

When we were discussing our possibilities, going to another house was one of them.  I looked online at other rentals, but the idea of going to live in another box really didn't sit well with me.  I felt physically ill at the thought of it.  trapped even. 

So often, at garage sales and car boot sales, I see people who are selling off their collectibles and bits n pieces that they have spent so many years collecting.  More people are realising that we can feel so much lighter with so much less stuff.  I know that we don't have a lot of extra stuff, but I do have more stuff than I really need.  I feel that, living in the house, the time is slowly ticking by, and I'm here waiting ... for something? 

Yes, we get out and do things and go places.  I do appreciate our time in this house.  But sometimes when we're been out and about,  I feel kind of heavy when I get back here. 

The best thing about staying in one place is the community that we become a part of.  I really love the friends we've made here.  I love going to the farmers market every Saturday morning and chatting to the farmers and other booth workers I've come to be friendly with.  And I love the friendly wave from the 85 year old feisty lady across the street (she is tiny, but is full of opinions and sparkle!).

I love sitting on the beach and looking at the expansiveness of the ocean, and lately, I've really been loving standing barefoot outside every night and just looking up at the stars.  Some people love looking at the moon, and I do enjoy that, but it is the stars that I really connect with.  I feel so peaceful and excited and full of possibilities and adventure when I'm stargazing.  Compared to the ocean, the night sky seems so much more expansive!  I feel larger too, not physically, but beyond the physical. 

I still have lots of questions, and sometimes the not-knowing seems overwhelming (but not very often).  I often think I should be 'doing' something beyond the other things I already do with being a mama.  You know, something 'important' like having an online business, or making things to sell.  Maybe one day.  Right now, I think the most important thing I need to do, is to BE the best person, mama, wife, friend I can be.  No excuses!

Ahhhh...freak out!

The house we are renting was just put on the market for sale.  As we didn't know what we were doing (whether or not we were moving within Australia or overseas), we chose to go on a weekly lease rather than sign up for another 6 or 12 months when our last lease expired.  When we heard about the house going up for sale, we took it as a sign that we actually do need to move and we'd better figure out what we really want to do.  I was detached and felt light and as though everything would fall into place exactly as it was meant to.  It always does. 

Yesterday (Saturday), I was awake early, went out to the farmer's market, chatted with a bunch of  people, and felt very content.  I was feeling full of gratitude for the wonderful friends we had spent Friday evening with, and the friends in our Natural Learner's group that we had spent Thursday with, and some other friends we have planned a family sleepover with, and my heart felt fuller as I thought about our wider circle of friends that we've made through homeschooling and the New Thought center.  I am so abundant!

I went home, made a big pot of pumpkin soup, tidied the house and thought about the first Open House that was planned for that afternoon.  "It's raining - probably nobody will come", "the market is down, it will probably take months to sell", and similar thoughts.  AJ was concerned about strangers coming through the house, maybe touching his things, but he was more concerned about Gypsy getting out and he opted to stay outside with her for the 30 minutes of the open house  He had asked Nicholas to stay in their room to keep an eye on their things. (Nicholas didn't though - he made friends with one of the children that came through and they ran around in the yard together.)  I was looking forward to the open house being done, and hanging out with friends to watch a movie and enjoy the soup.

I had a practical and detached view of being in this house and was thinking that we would be here for months.  I was not prepared for the emotions that came full steam to the forefront when 30 strangers came through my home.  When I heard the estate agent telling a prospective buyer that the owner wants the house sold by 5th April, I had a little panic.  As soon as everyone left, I broke out in tears.  Then I left the house and took Gypsy for a walk.  I thought about what was really going on inside of me:

- I'm not attached to the actual house, but I do love the life we have here. 

- I don't want to move now, but we're going to have to.  The house has been priced low enough that it should attract a quick sale. (maybe?)

- I don't know where we will go, Cary is leaving next month and may be gone for months.   If I can turn the slight panic of uncertainty into adventure, I'll move through it with excitement rather than dread.  It's a choice.

- I felt somewhat powerless when all of those people were in the house.  I didn't want them there, but as it's not my house, and we didn't sign a lease, it was a gamble we took. 

- I really don't like feeling powerless!

- The most important thing is that we as a family are together, and healthy, and joyful.

- I am still abundant and safe and I am grateful for this adventurous life!

- I need to stay balanced and present.

- I am grateful for the time that we have had here, the friends and family that have visited us in this house, for birthday and Christmas celebrations, for stories read and movies watched, for cookies baked and milestones reached, for birds and bugs and bats, for jasmine, mulberries and passionfruit, for lovely neighbours and a quiet street, for the daily life we have shared here, as a family.  This house will be a symbol of this period of our family life, not for the bricks and tiles, but for the experiences we have had.  Leaving here does not mean that those things stop.  It just means that we continue them somewhere else.  I will look back on photos of our time here, with a warm heart and a big smile, and much gratitude for this chapter.

and...

-  I  AM  POWER-FULL!!!!

new old projects

As I was working through the box of papers that I spoke about in my last post, I had the realisation that these things are very similar to the books I had.  I had been able to release a lot of my books by understanding that I didn't need to hold onto them...any lessons in them that I thought I "needed", would come to me when I was ready, perhaps in a totally different form.  I was totally prepared to recycle most of the papers.  Somehow these seemed a little more personal than books though, because they were things that had come through me, or to me at specific times in my life.  Still, I was okay with releasing most of it. 

I'm glad I took the time to sort through it.  I found some common themes through looking at it all, and felt inspired to work on some of my internet ideas.  Probably half of the papers went into the recycling bin, but the rest will jumpstart the projects that have been on a very slow simmer for quite a few years.  I was also thrilled to find some letters, cards and emails from some people who have been very special in my life over the years and it was so wonderful to read their words again.  I was also able to see how I have evolved ...quotes and affirmations that helped me to get to the next step on this journey.  I really have come a loooooong way!! 

I'm excited to get back to work on those old projects.  I have a fresh take on how they might look, but I also know that they will take on a life of their own and evolve in maybe a slightly different direction to what I have in mind right now.  Kind of like how my own life has turned out!

Stuff & life...

I wrote this ten days ago and didn't get finished because I've hardly been online at all in that time:

We've been watching the Australian flood news on the tv for the past few days.  Floods that were as close as 1.5 hours from our house.  The strength of the Aussie spirit came shining through, and the way the community has come together is just phenomenal.   It is heartwarming to see people just go into the homes of strangers and help clean or take food and water or do whatever they can, and leave as friends.  The news is calling it a 'citizens army'.  I love the way Aussies come together in times of need.  The general comments of the people affected are things like "I've got my family with me...there are other people worse off than me...we'll be right".

We have been going through our house, getting rid of stuff.  We have the choice of doing this.  Others did not.  Some folk have lost every single material thing they had.  We are donating a lot of our things to the flood victims.  I feel better about donating things that can actually be used by those affected rather than donating money - ya just never know if it goes towards the first class travel of those in charge of the charity or foundation.

As I go through the stuff in our house, I wonder just how lightly I could move through life.  I don't know if I could ever be like Peace Pilgrim, but I wonder how many boxes or suitcases it would take to hold the material things I choose to share my life with?  It's like a personal challenge for me.  Most of the things I'm putting in storage are photos and favourite kids things.  I've managed to get all of my clothes into a medium sized suitcase.  At the moment, my winter overcoat and my shoes are not included, but I'm sure they would fit in there if I unzipped the zipper that allows the case to expand.

added 23 January:

We have lightened the house a lot.  There are still a lot of piles around the place as we sort through different areas, but we are seeing progress.  We are taking time out every day to just enjoy our family and the beautiful weather we are now having - kayaking, swimming, and just playing...and being oh so grateful for every moment!