I Give Up

....alcohol. 

I've given it up before, for over 12 years.  I started having an occasional "one or two" sometime after we moved back to Australia.  We would get together often with friends and, well, it just seemed to be a part of the Aussie culture...what I had grown up with...old conditionings surfaced.

I thought I had a handle on it and I would usually stop after one or two.  For some reason...those old conditionings... drinking made me feel kind of grown up / part of the crowd / like I was interesting.  Thinking about it now, they are probably the exact reasons that I started drinking as a teenager and through a lot of my 20's.  If I wasn't being the 'party girl', I was on the opposite side of the spectrum being the 'health nut'.  Back and forth swung the pendulum.  After too much partying, I'd vow to stop and get healthy again...but the call was strong.  From the time I was a young child, I witnessed the "grown ups" around me drinking and partying.  A lot.  Why did I think that I needed alcohol to join the party?  Why did I think I wasn't interesting enough on my own? 

OK, I admit, when I was younger, it certainly helped me act wild and crazy and ...stupid.  It helped me feel as though I was part of the crowd.  I had often felt kind of on the outside.  The double edge to that is that, through observation, I often didn't even want to be a part of the crowd and some of their petty ways.  But I always kind of wanted to feel as though I fit in somewhere.  I don't enjoy a lot of small talk, but with alcohol, I could handle talking about any kind of rubbish that I sometimes didn't even remember the next day.

The kids and I were out camping this week.  In tents that is, because we kind of live the camping life anyway.  We went with a group of homeschool friends.  Someone brought red wine, which is the only alcohol I've been drinking when I do have "one or two" lately.  I hadn't eaten much that day.  For some reason, I didn't stop at one or two.  I didn't have too much more than that, but without much food, it hit me.  Hard.  Ugh.  During recovery, I kept feeling my Dad around me trying to help me - not with the physical recovery, he didn't seem to mind that I was having a hard time as it might help me to get the message.  The message that I don't need to drink in order to join in the crowd or be more interesting or more relaxed or the life of the party or whatever trigger might have been interfering with my ability to say to myself "that's enough".

I don't have to be super chatty, or dance around, or tell funny stories in order to have a good time.  I can have the best time just being deeply connected with myself, and letting that light shine through in all interactions with others.      ahhh...nice revelation...I think that was part of the problem too - I was not feeling very connected within.  You know, that's probably the reason this post was getting me out of bed in the middle of the night to have some quiet time to ponder all of this.  To remind me of how important it is to Be Connected to my deeper self...the one that knows she's okay, just how she is and doesn't need to prove a thing...the one that feels comfortable being silent when others are talking a lot...the one that doesn't need a wine glass because her inner cup is already full...the one that remembers that authentic connection is really what she is all about...the one that can dance freely just for the joy of it...  Now this is what it feels like to be a "grown up"!

...PS...I am not passing judgement on anyone else who chooses to drink alcohol.  It just does not work for me.

I'm actually not going crazy...

... I'm just transitioning to menopause. 

For several days I thought I must have been getting sick...I noticed several times that I felt quite warm and thought I was getting a fever.  I only realised a few days ago that these are actually hot flushes!  Doh!  Had to laugh at myself!

I am so relieved that I am not going crazy, I was seriously starting to doubt my sanity.  My moods seemed all over the place as I questioned every aspect of my life... underneath it all, a strong power was building.  I felt like I wanted to roar, then cry, then run a mile, then sleep for a week.

I had thought that this phase was mostly about physical changes, but there is so much more going on.  I'm actually excited for this.  I feel like I am going through a whole new level of growing up, into greater wisdom and acceptance.   I knew I would face "the change" sooner or later.  I just didn't expect the power surge I am feeling.  Woo hoo! 

me n my gal..

I love having a daughter!  I love sharing the girly things in life with her.  She is usually the one making me a little more girly and I kinda like that.  She loves to try on clothes, look at jewelry and paint toe nails.  She adds a softness to the male energy in the house.  She helps out in so many ways around the house, from the practical things that need doing, to helping me stay balanced when I start to feel a little overwhelmed. 

She can be sweet and gentle, or loud and fiery.  She is very much her own person and does everything in her own way and her own time.  That may not look like a lot of other kids, but that is what makes her so unique.  She is aware that she is living her life, her way, on her timetable.  We are so grateful that we have the opportunity for her to live her life this way, unfolding in her own way.

Being my oldest child, she has also been on the receiving end of my entire parenting journey - the great moments, and the times I'm not proud of.  She has been my best teacher in patience, and trust and unconditional love.

She is very generous and she has been giving away a lot of her childhood toys in the past year.  Slowly moving into a new phase of her life.  Sometimes she cries because she does not want to grow up, other times she is excited thinking of the time left before she can drive. She is observant of others and will often play with the younger children at our different groups, to make sure they are included.

I am so honoured that she chose me as her mama.  I am so grateful for her love and depth.

shifting stuff...

I feel like I've spent the last couple of months just moving stuff around.  Physical 'stuff'.  We're packing and moving back to the USA...hang on, let's stay here a bit longer...let's go on the road now...let's wait...argh!  Breathing deeply...
I don't know where we'll be in six months, but I do know that we are right here right now.

We've moved stuff around in the house, we've gotten rid of stuff, we've packed things up to go into storage, and we've taken some of those things back out again so that we can use them.  It feels as though a lot of my extra time that isn't busy with taking care of the family, or going to the gym, has been spent shifting stuff around.  (Actually I have been taking a little time out to draw or watch a movie or read a couple of paragraphs of a book.)

I think I'm almost finished shifting stuff, for now anyway.   I'm at a point where I'm sorting through papers.   I have a file box full of paper...it just look like nothing, but written on all of those papers are hundreds of quotes I've been collecting since I was a teenager, ideas I've had for businesses, personal goals, breakthroughs, interesting articles that I thought I might use to put on some of the websites I've never built.  I've had a brief look through some of it, but it's brought up some other stuff inside of me that I guess I'm meant to shift.

I've been thinking about time lost and if it's possible to re-live good things in our life.  I heard a song that I remember hearing as a young teen.  I remember listening to that, longing to be older and 'free' and being out there, living my own life.  When I heard that same song today, I had a slight longing to be younger again, with so much excitement ahead.  Are we ever satisfied? (I know..that's the ego.)  I often think of the year we spent on the road.  It was so wonderful for so many reasons!  But could I capture that again?  It would be different now...Summer is a teenager, a young woman and loves having her own space, AJ is fast approaching puberty and is loving his tae kwon do classes, Nicholas is wild and outgoing and loves spreading his lego out all over the floor.  Are we ever able to relive those special times of our life?  Should we?  Or do we just cross them off the bucket list?

So the box of papers I have that is filled with my past, the longings I had for my future...what to do?  Do they still have any meaning?  Would I actually use them for something or look at them if I lived another 50 years?  Or 20?  What if I only had 2 years left?  Would I be worried about scraps of paper?  Do those quotes and things still have any meaning or are they like the school work that I have collected while designing my very own curriculum on this journey?  They have been stepping stones to help me become who I am today. 
A part of me wants to read every single thing.  To get swept up in reminiscing, to see what I still find inspiring.  Another part of me is ready to just let it all go.  To burn it all and release it to the Universe.  To move into greater acceptance of Who and Where I Am right now.  Will I really do that?  Hmm, I imagine it could be very liberating. 

playing is to fitness as living is to learning

For 12 years my body has been either pregnant &/or nursing. That phase is coming to an end with nursing only happening around bedtime these days. Therefore, my need for extra calories has decreased. My jeans are a bit tighter in my thighs and belly as my mind got a hold of that concept after my body did.

For months I have not been carrying Nicholas much as he has gotten much stronger and fitter. Therefore, I have not been getting the extra workout that lifting a child up and down all day gives. My arms are getting softer.

And hey, I am definitely in my 40's so there have been some hormones starting to do different things. Just subtle effects but letting me know that, as much as my mind thinks otherwise, I am just not going to be young forever.

So basically, my metabolism has slowed down. I accept this and choose to do something about it rather than get upset by the few extra pounds. The best way to rev it up is by exercise. Not just for the physical benefits, but the mental ones as well. For a former personal trainer, you'd think this would be a natural. But I find myself with the mindset of my former clients "ugh...will this take long?..". But then I think about it and remember the high that comes after a really good workout and the buzz that comes from having a fit and toned body. So that encourages me to get some kind of extra movement in every day.

I am lucky to have two young boys who NEED to run and play and muck about. If they don't have a daily outlet for this, they will go absolutely feral about 6:45pm, just as I'm sitting down to relax. Our girl also needs the exercise for her own health, but she has very little internal drive to get it. Well, unless it involves swimming or biking or swimming or an easy hike or swimming. So we aim to find a way we can all enjoy fun movement together. Even if we can't swim every day.

We've had a lot of rain lately so we've been a bit slack and stayed home. Yesterday we went for a drive through some of the countryside near us, fantasising about where we might want to live. Then we stopped at an overcrowded indoor play center and decided to pass on that. So we went to the undercover playground at the Hungry Jacks / Burger King with our pre-made sandwiches and bottles of water. The kids played for about an hour then I noticed the sky clearing. We went home, chatted with the neighbours for a while then walked to the beach.

It was magnificent! Lots of sea foam from the wild seas due to the recent storms. The beach was actually closed for swimming due to the conditions. I've rarely seen that happen. We ran, we played, we built sandcastles, we drew in the sand, we wore boots of foam and pretended we were walking on the clouds, we saw broken bits that had come from large shells, and pieces of soft coral and a dead puffer-fish (still puffed).

When we were in the caravan, we were out and about all the time. We lived a more active life. Being in the house, we are not as active. In the summer it was easy to be active and cycle and walk and swim. But in the rain, that's a bit harder. So maybe the solution is to just do more when we can. And the thing about going to the beach, and the playgrounds and the hikes is that they don't feel like "exercise". It feels like fun and play and with the added bonus that we all are getting fitter and stronger. So the process of play naturally gives us fitness.

Kind of like unschooling. The lessons of life just manage to work their ways into our days under the disguise of living! Every day we learn more, we grow more, we are more. Our children are free to explore their outer worlds and their inner worlds. It is so exciting to be a part of that, to watch, to listen to their insights, to see them interact with others, to see them at peace with themselves as they do their own thing, to help them when they ask. Sometimes it's a huge lesson in trust and patience for me too, but the joy of seeing them shape their minds and their lives is so worth it.

It's a beautiful day...(rain and all!)

Beautiful and fun days

The chilly weather I wrote about recently didn't last long at all. We got back into the upper 20'sC / low -mid 80'sF which has been lovely. We've had some beautiful soaking rain too - sometimes all night long which is great to lull us to sleep and to have those negative ions coming through the open windows.

It is getting lighter later so the kids are sleeping in a bit more which is good for them. I keep waking really early though.

We had a state election here yesterday. Voting is compulsory in Australia for all aged 18 and over. I went to vote at the local public school. As usual, there were lots of people standing out the front handing out pamphlets showing you how to vote for their candidate. We walked up to the big shed where the cardboard booths were set up. As we approached, I asked the greeter if the children could come in with me. He was very friendly and enthusiastic and said "Certainly - show them how the electoral process works!". Wow, I hadn't been able to bring the kids in with me in other places I've voted. They saw the big roll for our area that has everyones name on it and helped the lady find my name and make sure it was checked off so that I did not get a fine for not voting. They came with me to the booth and I told them why I was voting the way I was. And then the workers there were fine with the fact that Nicholas helped me "cast my vote" by popping it in the box. The kids did feel more involved with the process and now have a little more understanding of how that works.

We love living in this state - "the sunshine state". It's currently celebrating its 150th birthday. One really great thing about that is that 3 of the big theme parks near us are doing a special deal - for the price of entry into one of them for a day, we can get a special pass that will allow us unlimited entry into all 3 of them anytime until the end of June. Too good to pass on that! Last week we went to WB Movie World and Wet'n'Wild Water World. Oh we had so much fun - and one of the best things was that we didn't feel rushed to get around and try and see everything in one day. At Movie World, we mainly hung out in the area where the kids rides are though we did see some shows. The car stunt show was very good. Nicholas didn't like the Batman street show, thought the Scooby street show was ok (the ghost guy running around was a bit scary) and after being a bit nervous at first in the 4D theater, he quite liked the Shrek show. I went on a roller coaster by myself. Not the super fast one that goes up really high and then very steeply down at about 60mph. no no no no! Not yet anyway. Compared to that one, I went on the tame one. It was still a blast!

Another day we met some homeschoolers at an ambulance station for a tour and then on to a playground. Seeing as we were only 10 minutes away from Wet n wild, we decided to go there afterwards. We hung out at the wave pool for about an hour, floated along the lazy river for another hour then played at the big kids playground with climbing and squirting things and slides and big fun. Until Summer was told she was too old to go down the slides there, it was meant to be for the little kids. She was really sad. Growing up and not ready. So we looked at some of the big long water slides for the "big kids" (yeah that's me too) and she picked out some she wants to try 'next time', that don't look too fast or scary.

This week....Sea World. I have a feeling we'll be riding the monorail for at least a few laps of the place. Maybe Wet n Wild again too while the weather is still so good for it.