shifting stuff...

I feel like I've spent the last couple of months just moving stuff around.  Physical 'stuff'.  We're packing and moving back to the USA...hang on, let's stay here a bit longer...let's go on the road now...let's wait...argh!  Breathing deeply...
I don't know where we'll be in six months, but I do know that we are right here right now.

We've moved stuff around in the house, we've gotten rid of stuff, we've packed things up to go into storage, and we've taken some of those things back out again so that we can use them.  It feels as though a lot of my extra time that isn't busy with taking care of the family, or going to the gym, has been spent shifting stuff around.  (Actually I have been taking a little time out to draw or watch a movie or read a couple of paragraphs of a book.)

I think I'm almost finished shifting stuff, for now anyway.   I'm at a point where I'm sorting through papers.   I have a file box full of paper...it just look like nothing, but written on all of those papers are hundreds of quotes I've been collecting since I was a teenager, ideas I've had for businesses, personal goals, breakthroughs, interesting articles that I thought I might use to put on some of the websites I've never built.  I've had a brief look through some of it, but it's brought up some other stuff inside of me that I guess I'm meant to shift.

I've been thinking about time lost and if it's possible to re-live good things in our life.  I heard a song that I remember hearing as a young teen.  I remember listening to that, longing to be older and 'free' and being out there, living my own life.  When I heard that same song today, I had a slight longing to be younger again, with so much excitement ahead.  Are we ever satisfied? (I know..that's the ego.)  I often think of the year we spent on the road.  It was so wonderful for so many reasons!  But could I capture that again?  It would be different now...Summer is a teenager, a young woman and loves having her own space, AJ is fast approaching puberty and is loving his tae kwon do classes, Nicholas is wild and outgoing and loves spreading his lego out all over the floor.  Are we ever able to relive those special times of our life?  Should we?  Or do we just cross them off the bucket list?

So the box of papers I have that is filled with my past, the longings I had for my future...what to do?  Do they still have any meaning?  Would I actually use them for something or look at them if I lived another 50 years?  Or 20?  What if I only had 2 years left?  Would I be worried about scraps of paper?  Do those quotes and things still have any meaning or are they like the school work that I have collected while designing my very own curriculum on this journey?  They have been stepping stones to help me become who I am today. 
A part of me wants to read every single thing.  To get swept up in reminiscing, to see what I still find inspiring.  Another part of me is ready to just let it all go.  To burn it all and release it to the Universe.  To move into greater acceptance of Who and Where I Am right now.  Will I really do that?  Hmm, I imagine it could be very liberating. 

Insight..

I opened up an email with the subject line "Personal Development Insights #27"....and the content was blank.  I laughed and thought how appropriate it was!  I was expecting another long, wordy email sprinkled with cliches and anecdotes.  But, due to a little glitch in my server at the time, I got a blank email.  It reminded me that the only 'Personal Development Insight' will not be found in someone else's words, but in my own life.    Of course, I knew that...it's just so fun to be reminded of it with little gifts from the Universe, even over the internet.

The original email did eventually appear another time when I was scrolling through my inbox....but I didn't read it,  I just smiled and remembered how strong I am.

Experiencing Being

Cary should be pulling in to Vegas about now, after driving almost 2000 miles. Driving 15+ hours a day. I'm excited to see him again! And our friends and family there too!

There have been times in the past few weeks when I've felt rather stressed with organising this trip and other busy-ness going on. As it's started to come together, I've relaxed a bit, but still didn't quite feel as relaxed as I did several months ago.

This afternoon, the kids and I took a walk through the great caravan park where we used to live not far from here. As we walked along the creek, I started shifting gears. As we walked into the caravan park, my mindset changed. I chatted to everyone I met along the way and I got back in touch with how I felt when we lived 'on the road'. How I did not feel attached to material things. How simple and easy life was. How much lighter and richer my days were. How grateful I felt and how full. How I took time to notice nature every day - the bugs, the birds, the water, the mountains, the sky, the colours, the sounds - and how connected I felt to all of that.

Living in the house, I realised today that I've lost touch with a lot of that. Sure, there are some things that are nice about the house - more personal space when it's cold or rainy or dark out, and ... um.. I guess more space to store food and craft supplies. We probably still have more than we need in the way of toys and general stuff.

Now I can read about living simply and it sounds great. But actually experiencing it - knowing it from the point of living it and reconnecting with that place in my heart brings me great joy. It is harder to maintain that when I let my life get too complicated with stress and things that have to be done and before long, I've slipped and become attached to those situations and material things in my life.

This reminds me of unschooling too. I can read all about unschooling, but then I start to feel I'm not doing enough, or my kids are so different to the model ones I read about, and doubts start to creep in. Then I get stressed and slip and become attached to how things "should" be.
But then I get to actually experience unschooling - to get a glimpse of it working in our life, to see my kids make amazing connections, to figure out how to read a new word, to work out some math in their heads because they can see how it applies to a real life situation. To hang out with other unschoolers and realise that our kids are all so wonderfully free and perfect in their own way. And in actually experiencing it, I know it from the point of living it and I reconnect with that place in my heart that "gets" this, and I feel great joy and know that all is well.

So it's when I try to do too much and think I'm not doing enough that I feel stress and doubt. When my balance leans too much towards doing, and not enough towards Being.

So then I remember that I don't need to read or do or have something, I just have to BE the best me I can, in this moment. Being a part of communities of like-minded folk also helps my mind to remember what my heart never forgets. Real people, real lives, real good!

Last week

Another busy week. We spent more time exploring this new area. We got our library cards and spent some time enjoying the new library. This one has a playstation, computers in the kids section complete with internet access and large-button keyboards, lots of DVD's - and books! - to choose from, self check out, friendly staff and a nice feel.

In other news:
* We looked at some possible houses to rent. I actually spent a lot of time on this - online, looking at newspapers and flyers from real estate agents, the street directory and driving around. I was starting to get annoyed about the whole process. It wasn't feeling 'right'. Of course I received another great quote from Abraham:

When you feel enthusiasm to do something, it means you've lined up the Energy, and you are being inspired to take action from that point of alignment. When you don't feel like doing it, don't push yourself, because your effort is not worth it. But, when you line up the Energy, the feeling of procrastination goes away.
Excerpted from a workshop in San Rafael, CA on Sunday, July 31st, 2005 All Is Well

I felt like I was spending too much time "do-ing" and not enough time "be-ing". I love this exact area. I realised I do not want to move to a house - yet. I'm enjoying our new camper, this park with tons of kids - even homeschooled and traveling kids!, being right on the water and minutes away from a national park with fabulous trails just right for the kids. I had no enthusiasm for looking for a house so I let it go. We did find one place, right on the water and already furnished that we like. The agents have not returned any of our calls on it though. So I'm not looking anymore. If they call us on that one place, we'll see what happens. Right now, I'm enjoying the moments right here, right now. The freedom that comes with this life is not something I'm going to give up lightly.

* AJ was out playing with some friends who were riding their bikes around. AJ has never shown interest in riding a bike. He's been riding a razor scooter since he was 2 or 3 and seemed happy with that. But a few days ago, Cary noticed him watching his friends closely on their bikes. Cary casually suggested to one of them "why don't you teach AJ how to ride that?". Several friends got involved in the initial stages of instruction then just left him alone. Within 20 minutes, AJ was riding around the block confidently, like he'd been doing it for years.

* Nicholas seemed to grow about 2 inches this past week. His legs look longer and his PJ pants have gotten a lot shorter. He sometimes says "look at my long legs!". He is so outgoing. He often gets up in the morning and announces that he's going out to look for his friends. Quite sure of himself in all matters, he has an opinion on everything and freely expresses it. Usually at top volume too!

* Sami returned from the bathroom one day happily telling me that she had made a new friend. It turns out that her new friend is a grandmother from New Zealand. Got to love homeschooling and the fact that she is not limited to the mindset of only having friends her own age.

* Cary went to some car auctions in Brisbane with a new car dealer friend he has made here. It felt good to him to kind of get back into things and is absorbing a lot of new information on rules and regs here. A little frustrating at times for him, but he's loving the area and I'm sure it won't be long before he has it all figured out. An exciting part about this is the new (second-hand) Mercedes station wagon he brought home on Friday as an early birthday present for me. It's beautiful - white, with a grey interior, CD player and 7 seats. In excellent condition too. I'm a lucky gal!

* I've felt a bit down at times this past week. There are some changes I need to make in how I take care of myself and how I listen to my body and spirit. I need to remember to take time for me and just BE. At one low point, I thought about deleting this blog and removing myself from a whole bunch of email groups. But I didn't get a chance to get online, and I got over myself pretty quickly. I don't know why I can't remember all of the great lessons I've learned recently in books like Conversations with God and Abraham books. If I'm not currently reading something like that, I tend to slip into old patterns too easily. Perhaps it's the recently move and trying to get settled here. ....You know what? I cannot blame any external factor - it's me. I am the one who sabotages myself. Why? Just when I think I'm going along so well, here comes the old me, not willing to be forgotten. Looking back, I have changed a lot - in a positive way. My periods of negativity are a lot less and last shorter periods of time. I'm getting to where I feel calm contentment most of the time. And maybe those periods of dark just serve to remind me of how great the light is.

I'm not going to delete this blog. It's therapy for me. Writing has always helped me figure things out. I don't care if I'm not the most eloquent or even if no one reads this. Funny thing is, just when I think this blog is boring or too whiny, a friend emails me to say they've been reading it. I treasure all of those gold friends who, despite time, distance and changes in circumstances, still keep in touch. Thanks and love to you.

* One afternoon this past week, we went for a stroll along the creek to the breakwall where the creek meets the sea. On the opposite shore of the creek, at the base of a bushy-rainforest hill that is a National Park, there was a young man playing his trumpet. Deep, soulful melodies that fitted the sunset mood of the place perfectly. An unexpected gift to a beautiful moment.

* AJ is so excited about his birthday and talks about it every single day. We still have 38 days to go. Looks like he might be getting a new bike for his birthday!

* One day when we went swimming in the enclosure at the creek, I paddled on boogy boards with Sami out to the deepest edge. She had been wanting to go out that far, but was a bit nervous. After going there one time with me, she later happily went out there by herself telling me that she had told herself "I am confident....I can do this". That's a big step for her and I'm glad that she figured this out.

And that's about it for the main highlights of the week, in words. I will now attempt to post some photos.

getting out of the quicksand

I have a bunch of half finished blogs saved as drafts, as well as others that get started in my head and don't even make it to blogger. That's kind of typical for me...I get all fired up about an idea whether it's a little post on my blog or a new direction in my life. I guess the essence of my desires come through, even though the actual route may differ. Lately I've been in a funk, (the rain hasn't helped), I've been a bit down and a bit hard on myself. We've had fun when we've gone out, but at home I have been distancing myself mentally and sinking into a quicksand of negativity.

The five pounds I am trying to lose will not budge. What's going on? I used to be a Personal Trainer for goodness sakes! I just cannot get myself motivated for any major workouts. I'm eating right and staying active but I used to do less than this and have no problem losing weight. I wake up tired and stay tired a lot of the time. I just feel out of balance. I don't know if it's 13.5 years of being vegetarian, or 11 years of being pregnant and/or nursing that are just taking me to my limits. Maybe it is all the rain we've had, maybe it's being away from the beach. Maybe it's that I'm not making time to read an inspiring book.

I don't know.

I was getting down on myself for all the unfulfilled goals I've had. But, I'm trying to see it like going to the department store of possibilities. Trying different ideas on, seeing how they feel by coming out of the dressing room and parading around in a new outfit for a while. Then seeing something in a new colour or style that might be a better fit and doing the same thing. Sometimes leaving the store with nothing, sometimes with some accessory that will just improve the current wardrobe I already have. Sometimes leaving with a brand new look that might last a long time, or just a little time.
Even so, I was still feeling a bit down, wondering why I don't stick with things that initially seem so exciting and just, well, right.
This morning, as I was trying really hard to think about some of lessons from books I've read recently, I opened my email to find this quote from Abraham:

You want the desire because it is the idea or the goal or the Creation that is responsible for a good amount of Life Force to flow through you. The main event is the Life Force that is flowing through you, not the manifestation. And if you don't believe us now, wait until that manifestation has popped, and realize that its power to draw life through you will be greatly diminished. That's why you keep wanting another goal and another goal and another goal... Excerpted from a workshop in Kansas City, KS on Sunday, September 27th, 1998

So I started feeling better. I've created an amazing amount of Life Force throughout my life. I've dared to step outside of the box and at least explore possibilities. We have worked through a lot of conditioning and personal issues to get our lives to a place where we can be even more flexible and we continue to refine and change things as we grow and change and the needs and desires of each of us is considered.

I will continue to frequent the department store of possibilities....and enjoy every moment!

pondering our new direction

We are on the cusp of a new direction. Many options. We've been driving around all weekend looking for a new location and housing. An area we'd recently thought would be "it" was just not giving us the right vibe. We did not find suitable housing there, but Cary and the kids did find good pizza! Another place that I have loved for many years, is again looking promising. We've narrowed down the specific area we want to be within that larger area.

Cary will be going back to the USA next month. I'm aware of a time crunch to move again but I'm trying really hard not to be impatient and force things to happen. So I'm trying to get out of my head and back to my senses where life flows and all that we need is provided.

This is a stage of this type of living that is challenging. The moving (again), finding new friends, new fruit markets, new playgrounds. Yes, it's exciting. But sometimes I envy people who are perfectly content with living in the same house for 20+ years. There is definitely something to that - the security and stability. We are aiming to provide those things for our children with our love and some simple rhythms. Perhaps this is helping our children to learn to be flexible and adapt to new situations more easily. Yeah, they certainly do that well. I think I'm getting closer to being able to stay in one place for a very long time, but I'm just not there yet.

I think of the houses we had back in Vegas and the abundance of cool toys the kids had. The great friends. Especially the friends. But even people come and go, as did the houses and the toys. Here we are sleeping in a very small camper but with such a feeling of open-ness when we step outside. No big walls, no major housework, no utility bills, very few toys (but enough) and a constant stream of new friends. I think all of the rain we've had recently has caused us to question this lifestyle at the moment. I do not want to give up those freedoms for the ties of a house. But I also want some more space when we are inside due to rain or night time.

Ah...decisions...

random ramblings brewing

I knew change was coming...I kept seeing 55 and 555 (numerology re change), preparing me that change was on it's way.

There's a change brewing inside of me. My passion is growing. My own goals are getting much clearer. Figuring out how to balance those with the rest of the family. Where do I draw the line and say "I am not prepared to compromise on....!" ?



Cary is going to stay in Vegas a bit longer to complete some deals that are taking longer than expected. At this point, it looks like he'll be here by mid-November. We're all disappointed, but not surprised. He's had an interesting opportunity come his way which add a new change to the plan. Living with him I've had to be very flexible. One of the side-effects of being self-employed.



Several days a month I would love to escape into a red tent. Today in one of those days.

I've been feeling low and questioning things in my life. That usually signals a breakthrough to a deeper understanding and clarification of what is going on externally and internally.

As a total coincidence, the last two books I've read have talked about gypsies and nomads. From the first time I heard about these groups of people (many,many years ago), I have been fascinated. Books, movies, stories have always caught my attention. Often when I would go to a fancy-dress party, I would dress up as a gypsy. I love the idea of freedom and adventure and living simply and close to nature. Something else has occurred to me - yes, moving around like that sounds ideal (for now), but also being a part of a community. I'm missing a tribal connection. We still see some of the friends we met at the Steiner/Waldorf school, but I'm keen to get on the road and meet up with the big homeschooling group up north on the Sunshine Coast.

An interesting gypsy tradition has them destroying and then burning all of a persons possessions after they die. The family may keep one small memento (like a wedding ring). Of the things we still have in storage, what would I still keep if I knew that they would all be destroyed upon my death? How would this affect future purchases?

For some time, I've been toying with the idea of a new name. "Annette" is who I was. When someone asks me my name and I tell them, it feels like I'm talking about someone else. It's like it's the caterpillar name for me and I need a name for the butterfly me that I Am now. I'd like a name with "iam" as part of it so that every time I wrote or said it, I'd remind myself that "I AM", but as Sami has those 3 letters in her name, I don't know if that's too similar. When I was looking for names for my children, I spent hours researching a name for meaning, sound, numerology. I got so twisted about it and wished that I hadn't done that, but just let the name come to me. I found it easier to name our kittens than our children. And I still don't think the children got the 'right' name, but I do think they have grown into their names. There is a name I've started using on a small scale, just to try it out. It does not have 'iam' in it, but it just feels good.

More rain here, but it's no longer cold with it. And everything is so green!