Letting go...

In the past six weeks, I've let go of a lot.

A lot of material items, and a lot of inner releases as well.

It has been the most relaxed and joyful holiday season I've experienced for a very long time.


I've done major decluttering so many times that the process is familiar and even easy.  I don't follow anyone's 'rules' for doing so.  For example, some people try and get their wardrobe down to a set number of pieces.  I don't see the point in that.  I have a small area for my clothes.  I just want them to fit in there neatly.  I also want all of the clothes in there to be clothes that I feel happy wearing.  Every so often, I go through them all when I realise that there are clothes in there that I just haven't been wearing.  I try them on and ask myself two questions: "Is this comfortable?" (I only like clothes that I can't feel when they are on.  No scratchy areas, or seams, or tightness.)  And, "Do I feel good in this?".  The feeling is not just the physical comfort, but the sub-conscious effect of the colour and style.  With these two questions, it's very easy to decide on whether or not to keep something, or to let it go so that someone else might use it.

I have been through every cupboard of our little townhouse.  It's amazing how many bits and pieces were hiding in the shadows!   Again, two questions: "Do we actually use this?", and "Does this delight me?".  Only one question needs a "yes" for an item to stay.

If we have been somewhere special, I often pick up a stone or a shell or an unusual stick or something.  I keep these things around the place.  When I can no longer remember where I picked that piece up, and the memory associated with it, I return it to the earth.

I got rid of several pieces of furniture that were just storage places for 'stuff'.  In getting rid of a place to hold it, I then was able to be more ruthless in what stayed and what went as I moved things around.

I let go of the idea of being a great gardener.  At least while we are living here.  I have tried container gardening, but not very successfully.  If I read more about it, and tested the soil, and moved the plants in and out of the sun or fertilised more or less frequently, I'd probably do better.   I had been trying to grow different foods.  The thing is, we can easily go through one lettuce in a day or two.  The amount of space that I'd need to maintain our demand was crowding us, and the amount of time that it would take to care for that, can be better spent elsewhere.  I got rid of a lot of extra garden pots and garden paraphernalia that was cluttering up our patio.  It felt really good.

I let go of a lot of other projects that no longer felt important.  These were things that had held a little piece / peace of me as I'd thought that I should finish them someday.  Gone.  Not necessary.  I did all that I needed to do.

I let go of books that were no longer relevant.  Now all of my books fit neatly on one shelf.  I am going to take more time to read in the coming months.  I rarely read fiction, it's usually books on health and spirituality that inspire me.

With Thanksgiving, two family birthdays, Christmas, and a road trip to visit extended family, the holiday season can feel overwhelming to me.  I try to make each event and every person feel celebrated.  A huge thing for me, is that I let go of that being my job, my responsibility.  Instead,
I stayed authentically in my own Joy, and I let that ripple out.

Another huge thing for me, was that I let go of the grief that I still had about my Dad no longer being earthside.  So many of my Christmas memories featured him so strongly, especially from my childhood.  Christmas carols always reminded me of him as he loved to sing, and I loved his voice.  I let go of the attachment to those early memories, I let go of the sadness that I wouldn't hear his voice again.  Instead, I just remembered the Joy of those times.  I felt a deep Peace, and a lot of gratitude for those memories.

I let go of having to do certain things.  I wrote fewer Christmas cards.  I baked fewer cookies.  We did not put up all of the Christmas decorations.  I spent more time doing things for myself, like going for a paddle out on the lake that we live on.  Without guilt!  With Joy!

I rarely went onto any social media.  Before I cut back, I had tried to keep up with news and events from family and friends on a regular basis.  But I just stopped.  I stopped having to 'like' my friends posts.  I also stopped the subtle comparison I was subjecting myself to when I thought I should be more like some of my friends who were fitter than me, or more creative than me, or more fun than me.   I 'unliked' and unfollowed a whole bunch of pages and people.   Maybe twice a week, I might have a quick scroll through Instagram and Facebook, and that's enough.  I've got board games to play, books to read, new recipes to try, and fun to be had with the people that are here in my life right now.

I don't know what the new year has in store for us.  I feel so good to be starting the year feeling so light.  Feeling so Joy-Full.  Feeling more space within me, and around me.  Feeling calm and, with fewer distractions, more focused on goals.

I hope that you all are in a place of Peace, and that the year ahead brings you good health and great happiness.

In Joy,
Annette

Feeling...

Cary pointed out that I haven't posted on here for a while.  Hmmm...I haven't had much to say, and I've been busy with life, celebrating two December birthdays in our family, Christmas prep and just Being.  I started this blog years ago with the intention of posting about our family life so that our extended family and friends could get a taste of our lives and stay connected.  But it became more of an online journal for me.  After many years of keeping my own written journals, it was a bit scary to put some of my deep thoughts in such a public place...but the more I did it, the easier it became, and the more confident I felt overall.  It seemed that by allowing my thoughts to become public, I was no longer afraid of my own judgement of them.  I was surprised when friends, family and strangers would contact me to support me or ...wow...even say that I had inspired them!   I worked though some limiting stuff about my own "worth".  I am so amazed at how widespread that challenge is.  So many people feel a lack of worth, and very few of them talk about it, holding it in, thinking that they are the only one.  Why do so many feel this, and why do they feel that they can't talk about it?

I have known people that I assumed were very confident and "had it all together".  I admired how they could express themselves verbally, and many other talents they have.   I later found out that they too, feel a lack of worth.  Look at so many celebrities that have ended their lives early - why would they do that if they did not think that they deserved  all that they had?  I have never been one for spoken verbosity, and I used to think that I was "less than" others who did have that talent.  In recent years I totally let go of that limiting belief ... I fully embrace my quiet nature!  (Though I can be loud and fiery too!)   Some people are "talkers", some are "thinkers"....Me?  I'm a "feeler".  I FEEL life...I FEEL love....I interpret living primarily through feeling.  There have been times when I have felt life a foreigner speaking a different language....English is my second language, Feeling is my first.  I have a deeply sensual appreciation for all of my senses - the warmth of the sun, playing in the water, walking barefoot on the sand, touch, listening to music, eating a mango, mmm kissing!  I am triggered though when the air is cool and the air is dry, I know that I am happier when I feel warm.

I feel other peoples energy and I don't always feel the need to use words to connect with them.  I like that - the comfortable silence between friends when you can connect energetically.  I really like who I am and how I am in the world.  I like that I feel life.  I like that I don't have to talk about every single thing....I actually find verbosity somewhat exhausting now.  Even though I find it hard to make small talk, I can speak rather passionately about the things that move me.  I prefer to talk about the depth of experiences rather than what I'm having for dinner.   That's why I don't post a lot on facebook either...I don't see the point in reporting on so many little moments of my life as some people do, when I can just be feeling, experiencing those moments deeply as they are happening. (I'm not judging those people, I appreciate that we are all different...it's just not for me is all.)   I'm not trying to promote myself or build a business...my purpose here is simply to Be in Joy.  I don't need anyone's validation, I don't need to analyse every step, I am just living free!

 I am aware of other work  I would like to do when my children are grown, but there is plenty of time for that.  I love the smorgasbord of work and life experiences that I have already had, and they lead me to a place of being very grateful and content.

I am happy with who I am and I don't feel any need to "fix" any thing about me!  I don't feel the pull to write as often as I used to.  I am grateful for the amazing friends I have and how we can talk about anything and everything.   We trust each other, we laugh, we cry, we swirl deeply into any subject, we support and don't judge.  They are such a beautiful, nourishing gift in my life!

I am grateful for my journey....I enjoy being here, now... I have Love, I have Joy, I have my biggest teachers - my husband and children...I love what our family has created and Who we all are.  I'm feeling very balanced overall.  A few little highs and lows along the path, but nothing like the dramatic me as a teen and 20-something!  What a ride it has been! 

I don't remember a particular point where I gave up feeling unworthy, it was just something I quietly let go of.  As I moved into an awareness that I just don't feel that anymore,  I realised that I actually haven't felt that unworthy feeliing for quite a while.  It is totally gone. 

So where does that feeling of "not worthy" stem from?  Is it ego?  Is it a product of this society?  The pressure to "do"...to get good grades, to obey rules we don't understand, to conform, to "behave", to follow the main stream and in the process, deny ourselves?  Isn't denial of ourselves the highest form of denial?   Why do people choose a path that they assume is just for the benefit of other people?

What if...everyone felt confident enough to follow a path of happiness?  To feel free enough to express themselves authentically?  To take responsibility for the state of their life?   To wake up and realise that all of this is possible...right now?!   To choose to live in love and joy.  To realise that material objects don't bring  happiness - that's something that only an inner choice can bring.  What a wonderful world! 

stumbling into learning

For most of today I have been in a place mentally that I have not been for quite a while. A place that is uncomfortable and familiar. It's a place that has me questioning a lot of different things in my life thus far. A place where I feel I haven't really come very far from the last time I felt like this. A feeling of incredible restlessness, like I have missed opportunities...like I have not lived up to my potential. A little bit mad with myself for not sticking with something..anything! But I can't stand being "stuck". I love to be free!

I didn't want to stay in that state. In the past, this state has felt like I'm in quicksand and if I try to force myself out, I just get pulled back further into it.

So I just stayed present with it, and tried to see it unfolding as if I was an observer of myself.

I became grateful for this opportunity as those feelings were indicating that something is just not working in my life right now, and changes need to be made. Some changes I can recognise and apply right away...things like changing my exercise habits, reducing some clutter and establishing a new rhythm that reflects Cary's absence and the cooler weather. Some changes run a little deeper and have me thinking about my grander purpose and if I plan on continuing to graze at the smorgasboard of life (Well now, stating it like that, the answer has got to be "hell, yeah!".), or focus more on one area and get passionate about that.

I think it's that I feel I have more of myself to give and I have not found the right outlet for that and I feel a little frustrated. Forcing the issue is not going to bring results, so I am going to (try and) remember to Trust. In the meantime, I will continue to pursue the things that interest me and see where they lead. I think it's time I worked on a Vision Board as well to clarify my goals.

So I started out this day feeling scattered and like I was bumbling around....and I am ending this day full of gratitude and a sense of Peace. I feel gentleness towards myself and an excitement that something new is around the corner...

rainy mood on a sunny day..

We took Cary to the train station early this morning. He caught the train to the airport for a flight back to the USA. As usual, we do not know when he will be back here. Maybe 6 weeks, maybe longer.

My energy feels scattered. Partly because we were doing a lot of extra work in the past week working on a deal that fell through at 8pm last night. Partly because it felt like a last minute rush to get Cary ready and the constant rain yesterday didn't help.

I've had months to prepare for Cary leaving again. It never seems real until it's happened. At the moment, it feels like he has just gone out and will be home any minute.

It's always a bit odd when he goes, and it takes a couple of days for the kids and I to find our own groove again. I get to remember that I am strong enough to take care of all of this here. There will be times when I will doubt that, when I will feel overwhelmed and exhausted. But I dig deep and find what I need to keep going. Often it comes when I just let go and remember that Everything I Need Will Be Provided. When I Trust that things are unfolding as they should, even when that is uncomfortable or wonderful or confusing. When I remember that the only thing I really need to be doing, is being present in this very moment.

It's a beautiful day today. I almost wish it was still raining, as that would suit my mood. But the sun is encouraging me to go outside and recharge....yeah, I think I will.

Letting go and Being at home

Twice in about 10 days I misplaced items of perceived value. One item was Nicholas’ bum bag with his DS and some games in it. The other item was the keys to my car in the US and my house in Australia. Both times I started to panic a little. With the first item, we were getting ready for our trip back east and I thought Nic would enjoy using his DS along the way. I searched for about an hour, with my energy tense, affecting the rest of the family who were trying to enjoy getting ready to go. When I finally just let go of having to find it…when I realised that if it was gone, we were still quite ok, and if someone else had found it, I hope that they enjoyed it…when I no longer felt any attachment to it…I decided to check the car one last time and, as if I was guided, found the bag right away.

With my keys - I was with the kids down on “the strip”. We had walked a long way and, together with the heat and the noise and the crowds, we did not feel like walking back to the car. So we caught the bus. When we sat down on the bus, I went to get my keys out of the backpack so that we could go straight to the car and get out of there. I could not find them. I have a little bell on my keys so that I can always find them by the jingle jangle sound. I searched every pocket. I started to panic and felt sick thinking about the inconvenience and cost and how long it might take standing in the heat waiting for a locksmith (it was the only key to the car - I couldn’t even call Cary to come and help us). Then the thought of how we would get into our house in Australia after traveling for 24 hours was not appealing either. I thought about backtracking to try and find the keys, but we had been to so many places and were frankly quite ‘done’. The backpack had been opened so many times to get water and snacks out, that the keys could have been in Venice, Paris, New York, (even though these were casinos, they could have well been in those actual places), or several other casinos or on the sidewalk along the way. Going back was quickly ruled out. In the space of about 4 minutes, I was able to turn myself around from feel sick, to feeling capable of dealing with whatever I had to. Again, I let go of my attachment to having to have the keys. And then again, I was guided to exactly where they had fallen down the back of the pack (I was sure I had checked there though!)

These were great lessons for me in non-attachment and also in mindfulness and staying aware. I think they helped me to prepare for the next level of detaching - leaving the USA. A place I used to live, but where I knew I was just a visitor this time. Quite an odd feeling. Will we be back? I don’t know. If so, I don’t know when or for how long and if we’d be living there or just visiting again.

We went to the USA with two suitcases and two carry-on bags, and returned with four suitcases, three smaller bags, and four carry-on bags. It took me a long time to pack it and then I looked at it and wondered what the heck was in there? It seemed excessive. We had acquired some extra clothes and shoes, and I bought things for the kids to use while we were here - books, toys, pencils and paper and colouring books, DVD’s, DS games etc. Not knowing if we were going back to the USA, we took most of it with us. And I also bought a few things for the house that are cheaper in the US - sheets and towel and some kitchen items. But for someone who loves simplicity, traveling with all of those bags did not feel simple.

Cary helped us check in at Las Vegas. Some of the bags were overweight so we reshuffled some stuff and he took some things back to the car to bring over when he comes. We had to collect all of our luggage in LA and take it to another terminal to check in for the international leg. I paid an airport worker to help me with that. It felt really strange to be leaving. Exciting and sad with a lot of uncertainty ahead. Constantly reminding myself to stay present and aware of each moment. Allowing myself to feel each emotion and explore it.

We all got a little bit of sleep on the plane ride over the Pacific Ocean and arrived in Brisbane to a crisp winter morning. I was told that the daytime temps lately have been in the mid to high 20’s C (82 F) . Lovely! We cleared immigration, got our bags easily (although Summer was having a huge meltdown after spending most of the flight watching movies and fighting sleep), and went through customs with no problem. We then caught a train to the Gold Coast and a maxi taxi to our house. The kids all fell asleep on the train and when I woke Nicholas to get off, he started screaming and crying, which he did not stop until we got to our house. It was nice to walk into our place but I was aware of a totally detached feeling. I opened up all of the windows to get some fresh air through the place - the air smelled so good! We checked our garden and I started a mental list of things to do out there.

Our cupboards were almost bare so the next thing to do was to get some food. Only the car wouldn’t start so I called the RACQ from a neighbours house as my cell phone was flat and had no credits anyway. (We don’t have a landline.) Got the car going and then took it for a run on the motorway for almost an hour to charge it up well. Got petrol and groceries and credit for the phone…but the phone doesn’t seem to be working yet. A little unpacking and an early night finished the day. We were going to go for a walk to the beach, but Summer fell asleep about 3pm and didn’t wake up until the next morning.

The kids, and I, all had moments of delight and surprise as we rediscovered things we had here that we had totally forgotten about. But if we had never come back to this house, they would have remained forgotten and that would have been ok too. When I left here 12 weeks ago, I felt attachment to this ‘stuff’. Traveling reminded me that it is not the things we have, it is Who We Are that is important. And in any moment, it is our connection to ourselves and others that is the only thing that matters.

I know that the kids will enjoy playing with the things they brought back with them from the USA, and it will help them to remember the time we had there.

Summer was very emotional yesterday after we returned. She enjoyed being able to have her own room again, but was overwhelmed by the things she has in there. She was crying and saying that she doesn’t know where “home” is, where she belongs. She has spent most of her life living in the USA, and three months there was long enough to feel like we were putting down roots there again. If it had just been one month, it would have felt like a vacation the whole time. We had time to visit with friends quite a bit and to connect, but then to leave was hard. She and I talked about this and I validated all her feelings. Then we spoke about not where we are, but WHO we are, and if we can be truly comfortable with that, then we will feel at home anywhere. Sure there are places we feel a stronger connection to something greater than us, but when we feel comfortable within ourselves, we can feel comfortable in any situation.

I looked around at the 'things' in this house and knew that any attachment I had felt, I no longer did. I had thought that I was ready to settle down, but now I'm thinking that I'm ready to keep traveling. Wherever I go though, I know I'll be Home.

releasing, again

I haven't been inspired to blog much lately, and that's ok.

Cary is really enjoying being back at work here. He says he is excited to go to work 6 days a week, and when he's at work, he's excited to come home and see us. It's great being together as a family, and it's important.

When Cary told me a week ago that he thinks we need to move back here for a couple of years, I totally freaked out. I have been so very very happy back in Australia, living simply, in an absolutely beautiful place that nourishes my soul, my mind, my heart.

But that doesn't pay the bills.

So I've needed some time out to lay low and process the options.
I cried.. I ran faster than ever on the treadmill with Amy Steinberg blaring on my headphones... I moped around... I took long hot baths... I stared aimlessly at the wall... I opened myself up to guidance and answers... I chatted with God and then...

A whole lot of things happened to shift my attitude:-

* I realised that there are worse places to be than Las Vegas;

* I saw Cary's excitement when he was talking about some recent deals and I knew that this is really important to him;

* I realised that I am familiar with this place - we already have friends and I know where to shop for the best deals;

* I felt deep, deep gratitude for the time we've had in Australia and in me I can feel what it is like to be at my favourite place (the beach). Each visit we've had there, I've stored inside and I can recall exactly how I felt, what I saw, the smells, the sounds, the feel of the sand and the water.

* Our time in Australia has changed Cary and forced him to slow down and enjoy life more, to focus on more than just work. Maybe that was one of the most important reasons we needed to go there.

* I felt a determination to appreciate life even more and make the most of opportunities.

* I realised that Cary really does want to move back to Australia, but he wants us to be in a better financial position so that we can buy a little farm. He does love Australia, but he wants more than sucking our savings dry.

* I remembered being a little girl and wanting, more than anything, to be a mother. I am doing that. Parenting this way is the most important thing to me. More important than living in the most beautiful place in the world. I am grateful that Cary agrees with this style of parenting and fully supports us in that.

* I felt a deep gratitude for everything in my life thus far - the people, the places, the lessons, the things. I've learned from everything and will continue to do so.

So I realised that even though it might require a bunch of paperwork and upheaval to organise a "temporary" move back here, I'm ok with it if it means we can be in a better position when we do go back to Oz. Perhaps something bigger and better will come from this.

Maybe our time in Australia has served its purpose for all of us. If an opportunity arises that allows us to stay there, then I will be making sure I live it deeply. If I need to release my attachment to living there, then I will do that too, for now. Maybe I need to learn that I can carry the sweet feelings of aliveness I have when I'm in Oz, anywhere. (It's definitely much easier in a beautiful area though.)

Maybe releasing my attachment to the way things are in Oz at the moment, will allow a new opportunity to come in, here or there, that will brighter than I could have imagined. We'll have to wait and see about that. In the meantime, I'll continue to make the most of each day, to live fully, love deeply and laugh often.

Q: How do bees travel?

I write my best blog posts while I'm still in bed with my eyes closed. When I try to remember them when I actually get up, it's like they get shaken off with the last bits of sleep.

Often I sit down to write but then I get interrupted a whole bunch of times and what comes out in the end is something different to what I had thought would come out. So often I feel as though my posts lack something because I haven't been able to maintain my thought track while writing. But then I wondered - why am I blogging? ? ... I blog because it's easier than writing 20+ emails at a time to tell family and friends what we've been up to. I blog because I've kept a diary since I was about age 10 and I've always enjoyed the release of writing. I blog because maybe someone else out there might be feeling the same way and it's always comforting to know you're not alone. And maybe, some of the things we do might even inspire someone else to follow their dreams.

My realisation from yesterday has had me wondering....How can I maintain my balance and the wonderful state I feel when living a simple life? How can I keep that mindset when life gets more complicated? What is it that causes me to lose balance and slip into old patterns?

I know some of the physical reasons that I get off balance - insufficient sleep, not eating enough or eating the wrong kinds of things, not enough water, not enough exercise and lots of things that have to be done. BUT, it is ultimately my thought processes behind all of those things that lead me to have a magical day or a miserable day. So, how do I maintain that peaceful, connected, joyful mindset I have when I am truly living a simple life? And, is it possible to maintain that when my life is not-so-simple?

I think it comes down to awareness. Remembering to balance too much doing with time out to BE and touch base with how I am. Even just to take a moment to go within and see how I feel. I think I should have done that more in the past few of weeks. To make sure I didn't slip into old patterns. To remind myself it's ok to take a break. To remind myself of the kind of example I want to be for my kids. Do I want them to associate stress with being cranky or with being calm? I know all this stuff. I just forget sometimes. But, my forgetting times are getting further and further apart and for that, I know that I am better than I used to be and I will not beat myself up.

I am back to feeling so alive! So excited! The material stuff around me does not matter. The things to do will get done. Or not. Either way, it's ok. It really is all good!

And now, a word from AJ who has been next to me reading animal jokes:

Q: What do you give a sick bird?
A: Tweetment

And the answer to the title of this blog: They take the buzz!

Experiencing Being

Cary should be pulling in to Vegas about now, after driving almost 2000 miles. Driving 15+ hours a day. I'm excited to see him again! And our friends and family there too!

There have been times in the past few weeks when I've felt rather stressed with organising this trip and other busy-ness going on. As it's started to come together, I've relaxed a bit, but still didn't quite feel as relaxed as I did several months ago.

This afternoon, the kids and I took a walk through the great caravan park where we used to live not far from here. As we walked along the creek, I started shifting gears. As we walked into the caravan park, my mindset changed. I chatted to everyone I met along the way and I got back in touch with how I felt when we lived 'on the road'. How I did not feel attached to material things. How simple and easy life was. How much lighter and richer my days were. How grateful I felt and how full. How I took time to notice nature every day - the bugs, the birds, the water, the mountains, the sky, the colours, the sounds - and how connected I felt to all of that.

Living in the house, I realised today that I've lost touch with a lot of that. Sure, there are some things that are nice about the house - more personal space when it's cold or rainy or dark out, and ... um.. I guess more space to store food and craft supplies. We probably still have more than we need in the way of toys and general stuff.

Now I can read about living simply and it sounds great. But actually experiencing it - knowing it from the point of living it and reconnecting with that place in my heart brings me great joy. It is harder to maintain that when I let my life get too complicated with stress and things that have to be done and before long, I've slipped and become attached to those situations and material things in my life.

This reminds me of unschooling too. I can read all about unschooling, but then I start to feel I'm not doing enough, or my kids are so different to the model ones I read about, and doubts start to creep in. Then I get stressed and slip and become attached to how things "should" be.
But then I get to actually experience unschooling - to get a glimpse of it working in our life, to see my kids make amazing connections, to figure out how to read a new word, to work out some math in their heads because they can see how it applies to a real life situation. To hang out with other unschoolers and realise that our kids are all so wonderfully free and perfect in their own way. And in actually experiencing it, I know it from the point of living it and I reconnect with that place in my heart that "gets" this, and I feel great joy and know that all is well.

So it's when I try to do too much and think I'm not doing enough that I feel stress and doubt. When my balance leans too much towards doing, and not enough towards Being.

So then I remember that I don't need to read or do or have something, I just have to BE the best me I can, in this moment. Being a part of communities of like-minded folk also helps my mind to remember what my heart never forgets. Real people, real lives, real good!

Acceptance

It seems that when I get really comfortable with something, along comes a new challenge to test that.

So I am here, feeling deeply grateful and joyful of this stage in my life.

Humidity increases, my hair goes frizzy...ok. I look in the mirror and see a face I hardly recognise. My facial hair is very blond so ever since I was a teenager, I have worn a little eyebrow pencil and mascara every single day so that my face looked more ...what? interesting? colourful? normal??

As I get further along the natural path, I just don't want to do that anymore. Even though I used 'natural' make up, it just no longer feels natural to use it at all. Even though it was "only" those two small areas, I feel it is time to stop covering them and take a deeper step to acceptance. One of my eyes has been getting red at times, usually when I'm really tired and have spent too long in front of the computer screen. But I'm sure that 30 years of wearing mascara can't be good.

So I look in the mirror, I see the frizzy hair, the plain face, the extra wrinkles .... who IS this person?

This body is a shell, the house for my spirit. Taking care of this body is something I now aim to do with more gentleness and respect, like taking care of a temple. But the real me, my spirit - that's where the real work is. It's on the inner places, cleaning out the cobwebs in the corners, opening the blinds that prevented the light from streaming in. Getting over so many little conditioning's like what I had attached to a little pencil line on my face. Realising that those kind of things are not what's really important.

Sure, taking care of the outward appearance of my body is good and can reflect my inner state. But not when I get attached to the process, when I don't want to leave the house without making myself up.

I'm not going to make myself up anymore...I no longer want to. It's still a little uncomfortable when I look in the mirror, but I'll get over it pretty quickly. I'll continue to dress in natural, comfortable clothes according to my mood. Many months ago I lost my attachment to wearing jewelry. I never wore a lot, but had several favourite pieces that I wore continually. Piece by piece over a month or so, I took them all off. Earrings, necklace, bangles, rings...all except for a wedding ring. After a period of not wearing any jewelry, I now might wear a little something if I'm in the mood. But I am no longer attached to those things in the way that I was. Not that it's bad at all to do so, I just choose not to. So maybe it will work the same with wearing make-up. Maybe I'll reach a point where I totally accept the appearance of this face and can fully release the conditioned attachment to wearing make-up. When I have let go of that attachment, I may still wear a little if I feel like it.

My goal now is to continue working on those inner cobwebs, the old conditioning's and opening the blinds, so I can see my own truth more deeply and clearly, so that the natural beauty of my spirit is what shines through the outward appearance of my body out into the world.

update

Cary arrived back in Oz on June 19th. Nicholas did not let him out of his sight for the first week or so. He adores his Daddy!

While Cary was in the US, I ordered a bunch of books second hand from Amazon that he brought back with him. Mainly Neale Donald Walsch. One of the things I ordered was some little 're-mind-er cards' by Neale. The first card I pulled out when I looked at the cards was "All attack is a call for help". I thought of the recent conflict we'd experienced, that was still niggling at me (even though I thought I had dealt with it). The next day, after shuffling the cards, I pulled the exact same card! Then I came down with a very sore throat & fever. Obviously I had some work to do with my 5th chakra and communication! I was in bed for the most of two days and slept a lot or just rested. My mind was quiet and I just let my body do some healing.

Regarding the conflict, I knew that I did not need to explain myself to the woman. I am confident with our choices. It did not feel right to have pity for her either. I wished her well and wished for the help she needs to be placed in her path. If I saw her before we left the park, I was going to wish her a safe and happy trip when they moved on. But I did not see her, and that's ok. I really have let it go. And something else, deeper let go as well. I feel as though I am communicating at a deeper level in my other in-person relationships. I'm very happy about that.

In other news...we moved campgrounds last week. We didn't go very far, just about a mile north of where we were, but it gave us a chance to have a good clean up and experience a new place. Even though we'd been to the playground and fitness track near here before, we hadn't really explored much else of the place. We are walking a lot more as there is so much more we can walk to! - the library, thrift stores, a great health food store, several playgrounds, the beautiful, clean, beach with the clear green-blue water, and neat little cafes. As it is school holidays, there are some other kids in the park at the moment. Our kids get up in the morning, jump outside and start kicking a ball with other kids here, or playing some other game. They play all day, until it's dark. Last night we had a bunch of kids in our place hanging out watching a little tv. Very cosy! Summer has been having a lovely time as there are 3 girls just a little older than her that she's been playing with. I laugh when I think of people that have tried to label her as "shy". She is certainly not showing any sign of that, nor does she when she's around people who she clicks with.

Speaking of Summer, she was having a hard time staying off wheat, even though I made a bunch of yummy breads and things with flours she can have. I started looking into foods with a low glycemic index / load and she seems to be much happier having some wholegrain bread. (But I can definitely see when it's been too much for her - her mood changes dramatically.) Plus she's having lots of fruit and some low-fat dairy. While I was at the library looking for info on low GI foods, I came across a whole section on raw foods! I borrowed a book by one of my favourite authors, Dr. Doug Graham - I like his honest approach to vibrant health. Reading his book reminded me that health is not just about good nutrition and exercise. There are so many other factors to consider like rest (a big lesson for me, one that the fever also helped me to learn), a sense of purpose, connection to others, play, fun, sunshine, comfortable temperature, friendships etc. So right now, I am being gentle with myself as I continue to grow on my path to vibrant health. Grateful for all of the lessons and friends along the way!

Namaste...

lost: 2 rings. gone: attachment

Recently as I was going through some of the things I have in storage, I came across two rings of mine that I used to enjoy wearing. One is all silver and the other all turquoise. I don't like wearing a lot of jewelry on my hands & wrists, and currently wear some other rings I like, but I wanted to wear those so I put them on a leather cord to wear as a necklace. Yesterday as I was in the shower, the leather cord just fell off, with no rings on it.

The old me would have panicked and got the whole family out looking for them right away. However, my first thought this time was "oh well, it's just stuff, I hope whoever finds them enjoys them". It felt good to feel that. But then coming in behind that feeling was the thought "but it's MY stuff, and I have history attached to those rings" then came the feeling "so?". It was a comical interaction between my mind and my soul as my mind let go of the attachment to those two rings. I felt so ok with their disappearance that I just casually asked the family to keep their eyes out for them, but I did not send them all out combing the area. I trusted that if they were meant to return to me, they would and if they were meant for someone else, they would find their way to the right person.

This morning I had a brief vision of the turquoise ring and imagined it on my hand next to the other silver ring I'm wearing at the moment. About 20 minutes later, I found that ring.

This year has been such a big one for me in terms of letting go - of conditionings and material things - and personal growth in ways far beyond what I ever thought. It's been a tough year, but oh, so worth it.

always growing

There's been an undercurrent occurring in my life that I have been denying.

I was stuck here for some time in a mental pattern I found challenging. I was stuck in a very judgemental process creating a downward spiral. The judgement was focused on my own surroundings. I lost the joy of what we are doing and starting listening to what others were saying. The tone of their voices as they felt sorry for me for living in this old camper in cramped conditions with the whole family. On top of that, selling the nice car we had recently and driving the smaller car that was also more cramped and has the headliner falling down and a temperamental cassette player. And of course, dealing with it all through the rain. "oh you poor thing." was something that I heard over and over and over. I started believing it.

I would try and talk to people about the positives but I could tell they were kind of shocked or thought we were in financial trouble or thought there was no way in heck they would be doing what we're doing. I reminded myself about why we're doing this but then I started seeing things through their pity. Instead of freedom and adventure, I was seeing insecurity. Instead of joy, I saw doubt. Instead of fun with my children I started feeling resentment that I wasn't getting any time for me. All because I listened to other people who just don't get it.
It helps now that Cary is back and we can support each other on this path.

I knew there was a spiritual lesson in all of this. At least one.

To start with, I thought about the physical image of our home and car.
I came to see that it's not the external image we project but the internal image we hold and allow ourselves to see. I needed to remind myself that I am a good person and have respect for myself and the things I have. To feel grateful for what I have. I decided that when I could get comfortable with that - truly and deeply - then abundance will manifest in my life. I think I had bought into other people opinions that we were poor and so I started living with a lack mentality. I can now see the beauty around me, the space, the freedom, the flexibility, the adventure.

I started taking some time for me, to recharge. It's important and I need to let my family see that I respect myself enough to do this. Doing this helps me remember my path, my reasons for doing this and helps me stay strong in my decisions and joyful during my day.

I finally was ready to read 'Conversations with God' by Neale Donald Walsch. I've known about the books for years, and even seen the movie, but I'd never read a book. The other day at the library, Book one said to me "it's time to read me now". The first 5 pages were enough to realise that I hadn't been letting go and letting God do enough in my life. I felt joyful and lighter immediately.

And so, I am letting go of OPO (other people's opinion's) that I had absorbed. I am working on my own spiritual energy - protecting, grounding, expanding.
I'm feeling excited again.
It's all good.

A moment here

Yesterday we sold one of our cars. We've had an offer on the other one. With Cary away, I'm wondering if I want to experiment with being car-less. I think it would be an interesting exercise - walking more, using public transport, and really thinking about if I need to go to the shops and, if I do, being efficient in doing so. I won't buy another car here, I'd wait until Cary got back as he knows cars better than I do.

Cary mentioned that it's a bit overwhelming being back in Vegas - all the traffic and people! He's gotten used to this quieter lifestyle. He is keen to get finished quickly and get back here. Nicholas still says "hi plane, hi Dad" when he sees or hears a plane fly overhead.

We've had more rain for a couple of days and I hope it passes soon. We're doing well, but it does dampen my spirits when I can't start the day with doing my sunrise yoga.

I'm letting go of the things I feel I "should" do and I am trying to enjoy the process more often. Interestingly, by doing so, I feel calmer and I am actually getting more done as it crops up instead of putting things off.