Feeling...

Cary pointed out that I haven't posted on here for a while.  Hmmm...I haven't had much to say, and I've been busy with life, celebrating two December birthdays in our family, Christmas prep and just Being.  I started this blog years ago with the intention of posting about our family life so that our extended family and friends could get a taste of our lives and stay connected.  But it became more of an online journal for me.  After many years of keeping my own written journals, it was a bit scary to put some of my deep thoughts in such a public place...but the more I did it, the easier it became, and the more confident I felt overall.  It seemed that by allowing my thoughts to become public, I was no longer afraid of my own judgement of them.  I was surprised when friends, family and strangers would contact me to support me or ...wow...even say that I had inspired them!   I worked though some limiting stuff about my own "worth".  I am so amazed at how widespread that challenge is.  So many people feel a lack of worth, and very few of them talk about it, holding it in, thinking that they are the only one.  Why do so many feel this, and why do they feel that they can't talk about it?

I have known people that I assumed were very confident and "had it all together".  I admired how they could express themselves verbally, and many other talents they have.   I later found out that they too, feel a lack of worth.  Look at so many celebrities that have ended their lives early - why would they do that if they did not think that they deserved  all that they had?  I have never been one for spoken verbosity, and I used to think that I was "less than" others who did have that talent.  In recent years I totally let go of that limiting belief ... I fully embrace my quiet nature!  (Though I can be loud and fiery too!)   Some people are "talkers", some are "thinkers"....Me?  I'm a "feeler".  I FEEL life...I FEEL love....I interpret living primarily through feeling.  There have been times when I have felt life a foreigner speaking a different language....English is my second language, Feeling is my first.  I have a deeply sensual appreciation for all of my senses - the warmth of the sun, playing in the water, walking barefoot on the sand, touch, listening to music, eating a mango, mmm kissing!  I am triggered though when the air is cool and the air is dry, I know that I am happier when I feel warm.

I feel other peoples energy and I don't always feel the need to use words to connect with them.  I like that - the comfortable silence between friends when you can connect energetically.  I really like who I am and how I am in the world.  I like that I feel life.  I like that I don't have to talk about every single thing....I actually find verbosity somewhat exhausting now.  Even though I find it hard to make small talk, I can speak rather passionately about the things that move me.  I prefer to talk about the depth of experiences rather than what I'm having for dinner.   That's why I don't post a lot on facebook either...I don't see the point in reporting on so many little moments of my life as some people do, when I can just be feeling, experiencing those moments deeply as they are happening. (I'm not judging those people, I appreciate that we are all different...it's just not for me is all.)   I'm not trying to promote myself or build a business...my purpose here is simply to Be in Joy.  I don't need anyone's validation, I don't need to analyse every step, I am just living free!

 I am aware of other work  I would like to do when my children are grown, but there is plenty of time for that.  I love the smorgasbord of work and life experiences that I have already had, and they lead me to a place of being very grateful and content.

I am happy with who I am and I don't feel any need to "fix" any thing about me!  I don't feel the pull to write as often as I used to.  I am grateful for the amazing friends I have and how we can talk about anything and everything.   We trust each other, we laugh, we cry, we swirl deeply into any subject, we support and don't judge.  They are such a beautiful, nourishing gift in my life!

I am grateful for my journey....I enjoy being here, now... I have Love, I have Joy, I have my biggest teachers - my husband and children...I love what our family has created and Who we all are.  I'm feeling very balanced overall.  A few little highs and lows along the path, but nothing like the dramatic me as a teen and 20-something!  What a ride it has been! 

I don't remember a particular point where I gave up feeling unworthy, it was just something I quietly let go of.  As I moved into an awareness that I just don't feel that anymore,  I realised that I actually haven't felt that unworthy feeliing for quite a while.  It is totally gone. 

So where does that feeling of "not worthy" stem from?  Is it ego?  Is it a product of this society?  The pressure to "do"...to get good grades, to obey rules we don't understand, to conform, to "behave", to follow the main stream and in the process, deny ourselves?  Isn't denial of ourselves the highest form of denial?   Why do people choose a path that they assume is just for the benefit of other people?

What if...everyone felt confident enough to follow a path of happiness?  To feel free enough to express themselves authentically?  To take responsibility for the state of their life?   To wake up and realise that all of this is possible...right now?!   To choose to live in love and joy.  To realise that material objects don't bring  happiness - that's something that only an inner choice can bring.  What a wonderful world!