Celebrating...

...Me!!!

Not just because it's my birthday this month....not even that reason actually.  I don't like thinking that there is one particular day each year that is dedicated to me.  I like having the mindset that I can celebrate myself. every. single. day!

In my quiet little way, I feel delight that I have given myself the gift of Health and Awareness.  I even feel as though my eyesight has become clearer.  I've been waking up with energy in my body, excitement in my mind and a stronger connection to my Spirit.


...just deepening the thoughts behind some of my previous posts...
In recent months, I feel as though I haven't always been living in alignment with Who I Really Am.  I am not proud of some recent behaviours. Not just the post about alcohol, but a few other things too.  I have felt a swirling, undercurrent, pulling me back and forth, testing me, teasing me, confusing me.   I have felt a shifting all around me - with some of our friends, our activities, with things the children are interested in now, new business ideas, and just a lot of big and small changes.

I have felt myself withdrawing in order to ponder, to try and put my finger on what is just not working and what does not feel right to me.

Now I am coming through that tunnel, I am seeing the Light and I am grateful for the period of contemplation.

I am clearer in my priorities.... which is still strongly focused on our free-spirited life.  But I have renewed passion to improve my physical health, add to my mental strength and deepen my Spiritual connection.  Rediscovering this felt so right that I am celebrating every day!  It seems as though, after having the intention, these things are finding ways to weave throughout the fabric of my days - all of those aspects, working together.  Which is probably because I'm aware of the opportunities to take seemingly ordinary events, and add a new dimension to them.   I am growing in all areas, and feeling the joy of that.

For me, the deep joy in each moment mostly stems from gratitude - for each breath, for the sun, the warmth, connection, playing...every. thing!  I feel such a giddy delight in living simply!  Some people don't understand the attraction we have to this lifestyle.  They infer that they are superior because they have more material stuff.  That's okay, we're happy for them.  And we're happy for us.

You know, what other people think of me is none of my business.  I just need to feel Right about being with myself.  When I can walk proudly because I know that I am Being the Best I Can Be, then I can be grounded in my own confidence, and I can ripple out the Love and Joy that I feel.  The Love and Joy that comes from within and from taking time to connect with Spirit and it all just gets better...deeper...stronger...

Implosion...

...the ghosts of Christmas' past, present and future all paid me a visit on the eve of Christmas Eve...all at the same time.    I was feeling good that I had finished shopping and there was only some more cookies to bake to give away to our neighbours.  I put on my apron and Santa hat and turned on the Christmas music on the CD player.  ...brewing...brewing...

Let me explain that baking cookies in a very small space is slightly challenging!  It is a constant shuffle of ingredients, bowls, measuring cups etc, and don't even think about trying to use the sinks as they are covered over to try and create more counter space. 

So I'm dealing with this shuffling and a low lying frustration creeps in...compounded by the Christmas music bringing up memories of 46 previous Christmas' that I've had - from as far back as I can remember all the way through...memories of my family, the incredible excitement, the following crash, the stress in the house, the music, my Dad singing (I won't hear that again), my Mum cooking, the rules and restrictions,  extended family gatherings, .... remembering so many moments by remembering how I was feeling then, often conflicting with how I thought I should be feeling.  Did other kids feel overwhelmed?  I felt like there was so much waiting before Christmas, then waiting for everyone to wake up that morning, then a short time of being free to gather with everyone for a relaxed time of sharing gifts before it was back to waiting to play because we had to get ready for church, then help with lunch then have a rest then go out visiting...waiting until we could stop doing stuff and just Be in that relaxed time again.  As I got older, the plan for the day changed and it did get more relaxed, but somehow there often seemed to be some drama.  I've probably spent almost as many Christmas days not in the presence of anyone from my childhood family, as what I have with them.  I've had a lot of different experiences - being with friends, camping, and the past 17 Christmas' have been with Cary, most of those in the USA.  Memories of his family and sharing special times with them came to mind... memories of our children's Christmas fun, getting rugged up, having a fire in the fireplace, driving around and looking at all of the Christmas lights (they are amazing in the USA!)....swirling...swirling memories of Christmas past....

My kids bickering was surrounding me, adding to my growing frustration of the lack of room.  The fn rainy weather that was keeping them inside was bugging me...could we please have a sunny Christmas sometime?  The lack of a decent area outside for them to play in.. I finally stopped trying to create a Christmas mood and turned off the Christmas music so that they could watch 'Toy Story'.  That was okay until they realised that the disc was scratched and they couldn't finish watching it and they went back to bickering.  Made me all warm and fuzzy thinking about the "joy" of Christmas...Not!  The Christmas music went back on ..."it's the hap, happiest time..of the year!"   I wasn't feeling it.  I questioned the current state of Christmas in my life and in myself and thought about how to do it differently in the future.

When I asked one of my kids to bring me the egg yolks to put in the gingerbread dough that I was mixing, and they brought over and tipped in the egg whites instead, I lost it.  I simply couldn't reach over myself and get the egg yolks as I had to go 10 feet away to use the power point to plug in the hand mixer and I thought how easy it would be to ask one of my kids to help me and stop bickering with the others for 10 seconds.

I told Cary that I'm not doing this again next year...I won't attempt to bake cookies in this small space, I will either just not do it, or I will go to a friends house who has a proper kitchen.  And I won't send Christmas cards because that art seems to be just about dead as most people just send an electronic bulk email often without a personal note.  And I don't want to be here next year, I want to be somewhere different.  Preferably somewhere that it is not raining.  (yes, I know...it's the sub tropics and it's the wet season so what did I expect?!)

I don't know why this one day of the year brings up so much 'stuff' for me.  I've alternated between wanting a big cosy house with all of the trimmings and extended family around me, to wanting to ignore it all and go play on a deserted island until it was all over.  I needed to process the ghosts of Christmas' past, present and future to see where I am in alignment with it all right now.

The real thing that my implosion brought to light was that I want Christmas to have more meaning, more depth.  I think I've pretty much been able to create the relaxed Christmas Day atmosphere that I had wanted as a child.  We don't make plans beyond getting up in the morning, and giving the children some gifts.  After that, they are free to play, we prepare nice food, hopefully go for a swim and / or a walk.  It's not a whole lot different from our other days.  Our children get gifts all through the year, or they buy themselves things they want.  Cary and I also get what we want when we want it and haven't exchanged Christmas gifts for many years.  I enjoy buying a few extra fun gifts for our children, and I enjoy seeing them have fun with them.   Enough rambling...

Relationships..

"Your relationship to all things, was created as the perfect tool in the work of the soul." - Neale Donald Walsch

I've been thinking a lot about this.

AJ is rather smitten with a girl and keeps asking me all kinds of questions.  As the girl is vegan, he is wondering if he should go vegan in order to be with her.  I told him that he should never compromise who he is in order to please someone else.  That's only cheating both of them and will probably lead to resentment on his part at some point down the track.

(Have I done that?  Have I compromised myself in relationships?  Have I said yes when I wanted to say no, have I gone places, or done things that I actually didn't want to do?  In pleasing another, did I not please myself?  I'm pretty sure I have at times.)

I've been struggling with Nicholas who is so very loud and busy.  I feel the need for quiet and calm around me as I try to process events of the past few months, but I just cannot get that with him around.    I realise that I need to demand that, for my own sanity.  Maybe part of the reason that I have a child like Nicholas is to help get me to the point of demanding time for myself.  I wanted to be a mother for such a long time, and I loved living that role 24/7 for several years, but now, I really need a break.  That was a secondary reason of why Summer and AJ went to the Steiner school when we moved to Australia - mama was burnt out.  I had been curious about those schools since Summer was a baby and I had thought it would be a good thing for the kids.  It was, for a while.  Now that Nicholas is getting older, I'm finding his behaviour exhausting so I need to take care of me so that I can better take care of my family.

Perhaps I've compromised myself for far too long by not taking time out away from my full time job of parenting.  Perhaps I've cheated myself, Cary and the kids by not doing that.  I know that sometimes I look at Cary and think "Oh God...it's you", but other times I think "thank God it's you".  Do all relationships go through this?  We've been together for almost 18 years!  That's a very long time.  People can change a lot in that time...how many people have been together for a long time that are still happy to be together?  Really.  That don't feel any resentment, that feel that they are still compatible?  They probably have time to pursue their own interests and they probably are not together 24/7.

When I met Cary, I was at a place in my life where I was not even interested in having a relationship with anyone.  I felt whole and strong and content with who I was and where I was going.  He was attracted to that strong woman.  That's who I need to find again, for both of our sakes. 

There has been so much drama and chaos in recent months, I'm shutting down.  My apologies for any unreturned emails for phone calls.   If my relationships are the perfect tool for me, then I need to be focusing on those, especially the one with myself.  Yep, I'm going to be a bit selfish.  I'm going to say "no", I'm going to take time to draw and read and do absolutely nothing.  Because if I don't, then my soul will not be filling its true potential for growth.  And I will be resentful. And that's no good for anyone.

no excuses

We have received news that we need to be out of this house by the end of June.   It's good to know as it helps us play around with different possibilities.  I almost said that it helps us plan, but that's just amusing as our plans tend to get changed all of the time.  The unfolding process seems so much more exciting when I can see the sea of possibilities and dive into that, rather that sitting on the edge fishing for a particular path that must be ours.  I make no excuses for changing my mind regularly and I will not be tied down to living a life that is not authentic to my strong needs for freedom and flexibility!

Being in this house for 2.5 years has given me so many lessons.  After reluctantly getting off the road to stay here awhile, I came to appreciate the house, but more so, our life here.  In the last 12 months, the feeling of stagnation has been growing stronger, with a side order of restlessness.

When we were discussing our possibilities, going to another house was one of them.  I looked online at other rentals, but the idea of going to live in another box really didn't sit well with me.  I felt physically ill at the thought of it.  trapped even. 

So often, at garage sales and car boot sales, I see people who are selling off their collectibles and bits n pieces that they have spent so many years collecting.  More people are realising that we can feel so much lighter with so much less stuff.  I know that we don't have a lot of extra stuff, but I do have more stuff than I really need.  I feel that, living in the house, the time is slowly ticking by, and I'm here waiting ... for something? 

Yes, we get out and do things and go places.  I do appreciate our time in this house.  But sometimes when we're been out and about,  I feel kind of heavy when I get back here. 

The best thing about staying in one place is the community that we become a part of.  I really love the friends we've made here.  I love going to the farmers market every Saturday morning and chatting to the farmers and other booth workers I've come to be friendly with.  And I love the friendly wave from the 85 year old feisty lady across the street (she is tiny, but is full of opinions and sparkle!).

I love sitting on the beach and looking at the expansiveness of the ocean, and lately, I've really been loving standing barefoot outside every night and just looking up at the stars.  Some people love looking at the moon, and I do enjoy that, but it is the stars that I really connect with.  I feel so peaceful and excited and full of possibilities and adventure when I'm stargazing.  Compared to the ocean, the night sky seems so much more expansive!  I feel larger too, not physically, but beyond the physical. 

I still have lots of questions, and sometimes the not-knowing seems overwhelming (but not very often).  I often think I should be 'doing' something beyond the other things I already do with being a mama.  You know, something 'important' like having an online business, or making things to sell.  Maybe one day.  Right now, I think the most important thing I need to do, is to BE the best person, mama, wife, friend I can be.  No excuses!

What the heck is it all about? (& a turnaround)

Really....why are we all here?  If we were all created by some higher intelligence / force / spirit...what on earth did they have in mind as the purpose of all of this?   Why is there war and greed and everything negative?  I do believe in a Greater Power, I just am at a total loss to understand..well,...life.

There is a lot of talk of how we are heading for a Golden Age, where more people will be enlightened and the world will be more harmonious.  Well...why wasn't the world created like that to start with?! 

All of the suffering, and challenges...are they all here to offer us contrast?  To make us appreciate the goodness in our lives?  Is that really necessary?  If 'God' is so compassionate, WHY does s/he let so many bad things happen?

Where is the justice and the logic in loving caring people who cannot have a baby and the drug-addict mother who can't stop having babies?

I've heard all of the cases...We don't need to understand, we just have to accept and have faith and believe that there is a greater purpose to all of this...that Suffering is a normal part of the human experience.  I don't want to listen to another 'spiritual author' just trying to sell their own books and products which are usually just a rehash of other peoples insights anyway.  How many of them actually want to help others and how many just want to cash in on the questioning and suffering?

(several days later...)
.... I don't know the answers.  Maybe that's ok.  If I keep dwelling on that, I create a downward, dark spiral within myself.  That is not my true nature.  I feel the most in alignment when I am seeing the light, the positive in life.  I don't need a lot of contrast in my life...I've had enough to know that the dark side is not where I want to be.  Focusing on the big 'why' of life had me somewhat paralysed ... I felt that I could not move forward, and at the time, I did not want to.

I spent some time surrounded by nature.  Not expecting anything, just open to letting these recent thoughts mull around within me...I was a little surprised when I started to feel lighter...when a Knowing came to me that no matter what happens, I will still Be.  The judgement of 'good' or 'bad' was up to me.  I could focus on all of the chaos that seems to be swirling lately, gathering momentum in the lives of so many people that I know.  Or, I could focus on the place within where I feel like I'm working with the Universe - where I feel Joy just by being my true self.  Nothing grandiose, just simply and quietly stating my truth, seeing the absolute best in people, aiming to not judge but to live showing kindness and love and compassion to others and myself.

My focus is to inspire myself to live this lightness more fully.  To not be so concerned with the things I cannot change, and to not contribute to the things I do not like in the world.  Even in little ways like statements of judgement of people or situations.  That doesn't serve anyone.  Perhaps my ego gets a little comfort stroke from that, but it does not bring me alignment with my truth.  Along the way, if I inspire anyone else, well that is just a bonus.

With great joy and gratitude for all that is...

Community, TV, unschooling

How many homes have you been to where the furniture in the living room is arranged so that everyone has the best view of the television?

I remember a time when living rooms were arranged so that people could actually look at each other and talk together. (yes, I am that old.)

As I was growing up, we had pretty strict limits on watching the TV. We only had four channels, and there wasn't a whole lot on anyway. We never watched it after school - we always shined our shoes, did our homework and went outside to play in the bush or at the creek or riding our bikes. During school holidays, we sometimes watched the 'midday movie' if we were at home, our favourites were the musicals which we would then sing all afternoon, and even longer. I still remember the silly song (which became a family favourite) from "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" with Bing Crosby ..."I'm busy doing nothing working the whole day through...trying to find lots of things not to do...I'm busy going nowhere, isn't it such a crime...I'd like to be unhappy but.........I never do have the time....la la la la....". On the weekends, we maybe watched a couple of shows or a movie, but TV wasn't really a big part of our lives.

As we got older, we watched a little more, but not much. We always preferred swimming or playing snooker or cards or games  or going for a bushwalk or to the beach...you get the idea.

Human beings were not designed to live alone. But so many have turned to the TV for a sense of community. We feel like we belong to the Hannah Montana tribe and the Survivor tribe and the True Blood tribe (etc) and, for brief periods, we get to live in another world, we get caught up in their dramas, we take on the way these people speak and act. The 'stars' of these shows are treated like little gods, paid enormous amounts of money and people spend hours dreaming about them, and try to dress like them and we lose our own individuality.

When one show ends, we skip over to another tribe. How many years of a persons life is used up just randomly skipping around, looking for something to satisfy, complaining that there is "nothing on", but not able to just turn it off and DO something that might satisfy that need for connection with self and other real live people?

I am talking about myself here too. I have not always had a community around me where my kids could feel a part of, people that they could spend hours playing and exploring and working with, and that I have used that big box as a babysitter. It does not feel 'right' to me. A lot of the 'kids' shows show behaviours that I know are not natural to my own children, but they imitate anyway. They disrupt the harmony in our home.

We live what a lot of people would call 'unschooling' in that we do not follow a strict curriculum.  I prefer to call it 'living', or if you need a label - natural learning, life learning, self-designed living.  A lot of unschoolers have no limits on media, food, and pretty much everything their children do.  And I understand why they do that and the incredible Trust that allows them to do that.  However, I don't think it works for everyone. 

We have one main TV and another small one that is only connected to the playstation.  We have two computers. And five people.  We aim to consider everyone's needs, so we can't all have unlimited time on the computer or with the TV. 

I like a couple of shows on TV, like "Glee" and "Doctor Who".  Also, shows about travel, nature and science.  I like hanging out and watching a movie or two, especially if it's raining outside.  I just don't like the TV on all day.  It disrupts MY harmony and I'm a valued member of this family as much as anyone else so I deserve to have my needs taken into account also.

When I met Cary, I was surprised at how much TV he watched.  It was rather foreign to the way I'd lived.  I chose to accept that about him.  It's kind of funny that  he doesn't really like watching it much at all now.  He appreciates spending time with the family connecting, playing, chatting, doing things together, and spending time pursuing other interests he has.

I understand that 'Radical Unschoolers' would state that they see the value in everything their child wants to do, even if that is watching TV every waking moment for days, weeks or months.  If that works for them, that's great.  I'm not trying to RU.  My priority is creating a home, a life, where we all have our needs considered, even if they do not get met right away.  Where the focus is on connection and harmony and Joy and living OUR lives, deeply and fully.

There's so much more to life than being 'programmed' by others...that is why they call them 'programs' isn't it? My goal is to leave the box turned off much more than it has been, to live more in our own reality show, one that is unedited and absolutely authentic.

rainy mood on a sunny day..

We took Cary to the train station early this morning. He caught the train to the airport for a flight back to the USA. As usual, we do not know when he will be back here. Maybe 6 weeks, maybe longer.

My energy feels scattered. Partly because we were doing a lot of extra work in the past week working on a deal that fell through at 8pm last night. Partly because it felt like a last minute rush to get Cary ready and the constant rain yesterday didn't help.

I've had months to prepare for Cary leaving again. It never seems real until it's happened. At the moment, it feels like he has just gone out and will be home any minute.

It's always a bit odd when he goes, and it takes a couple of days for the kids and I to find our own groove again. I get to remember that I am strong enough to take care of all of this here. There will be times when I will doubt that, when I will feel overwhelmed and exhausted. But I dig deep and find what I need to keep going. Often it comes when I just let go and remember that Everything I Need Will Be Provided. When I Trust that things are unfolding as they should, even when that is uncomfortable or wonderful or confusing. When I remember that the only thing I really need to be doing, is being present in this very moment.

It's a beautiful day today. I almost wish it was still raining, as that would suit my mood. But the sun is encouraging me to go outside and recharge....yeah, I think I will.

Choices...

I've been thinking about choices that I've made. There is a Doctor Who episode that shows two totally different outcomes when a main character turns left instead of right (or was it right instead of left?) Anyway, I've been pondering the many different forks in my path and trying to imagine Who I may have become if I hadn't followed this particular path. It's probably a pointless exercise to a certain degree, but it does lead me around to accepting that where I am is a result of all that I have done.

In imagining how things may have been different, I have unlimited options and can take my pick as to whether I want to paint it perfect or see the worst possible scenario. In reality...I imagine something in between, but I honestly wonder if the level of personal growth I've experienced in the past 17 years or so, could have been achieved if I'd walked a different path. Would the same lessons have come to me? Would I have been open to them? Would I be able to find the same depth of joy that I do in the simple, natural gifts around me? On my morning walk, as I catch a scent of jasmine, would it delight my spirit in the same way? Or would I not really notice it? Would I be able to listen to the birds with the same sense of appreciation? Would I be able to taste a fresh mango and marvel in the totally wonder-full experience that gives me now?

I am trying to figure out what has made me so delighted in my world? At what point was I so deeply aware and appreciative of life and living? Was it due to living away from Australia for so long? Maybe somewhat. Then what if I'd stayed here? I think it was good for me to leave for a while and to shake off my comfortable conditionings that were still with me, even though I'd been a bit of a gypsy. Was it a particular point anyway, or just many years of searching and reading and pondering and gradually opening up / waking up more and more?

If I'd stayed here, maybe I'd have more "stuff". A nice big house and lovely furniture etc. I may be caught up in a material world. I think another thing that was really good for me was letting go of a whole lot of the material things we had in order to move here. To realise that I just didn't need those things, that any attachment to them was draining me. I think this was a huge part of the lesson for me. Then to experience living simply for a year in the camper let me own that non-attachment lesson so that it became a real part of me.

You know what, it doesn't really matter how I got here, or what might have been. I am living this moment, right here, right now. Full of love and joy and at peace with myself for everything that has led me here. Also deeply grateful for all of the people that have ever been in my life, and those that still are, and for all of the experiences that I've had, even the dark ones, because they allow me to really appreciate the light. I feel so full, and so blessed.

growing..

I've been reading the Ringing Cedars (Anastasia) series of books. At times I've felt incredible joy, at times I've felt as though my relatively simply life could be oh so much more simple and meaningful. The books are waking up parts of me that I already knew and showing how it could be possible to live a life even richer in connection to the earth and spirit and others. They have me questioning so many details of my life - from noticing little things like new shoots and natural gifts (more often than I already did), to bigger things like where and how I live, eat, think, act, speak, etc. As I continue this journey, the 'coincidences' increase, my awareness expands and at times I feel very sensitive. I'm trying to process these new (old) thoughts and feelings and I am longing for some absolute quiet, -no man-made sounds only the sound of the ocean or the bush...which I'm just not finding. Maybe accepting that is a part of the process.

It is time for the Jacaranda trees to show their glorious purple colours. We went for a drive through some country-type areas 10 minutes from our house where I tried to capture the colour, but this does not do it justice.