Implosion...

...the ghosts of Christmas' past, present and future all paid me a visit on the eve of Christmas Eve...all at the same time.    I was feeling good that I had finished shopping and there was only some more cookies to bake to give away to our neighbours.  I put on my apron and Santa hat and turned on the Christmas music on the CD player.  ...brewing...brewing...

Let me explain that baking cookies in a very small space is slightly challenging!  It is a constant shuffle of ingredients, bowls, measuring cups etc, and don't even think about trying to use the sinks as they are covered over to try and create more counter space. 

So I'm dealing with this shuffling and a low lying frustration creeps in...compounded by the Christmas music bringing up memories of 46 previous Christmas' that I've had - from as far back as I can remember all the way through...memories of my family, the incredible excitement, the following crash, the stress in the house, the music, my Dad singing (I won't hear that again), my Mum cooking, the rules and restrictions,  extended family gatherings, .... remembering so many moments by remembering how I was feeling then, often conflicting with how I thought I should be feeling.  Did other kids feel overwhelmed?  I felt like there was so much waiting before Christmas, then waiting for everyone to wake up that morning, then a short time of being free to gather with everyone for a relaxed time of sharing gifts before it was back to waiting to play because we had to get ready for church, then help with lunch then have a rest then go out visiting...waiting until we could stop doing stuff and just Be in that relaxed time again.  As I got older, the plan for the day changed and it did get more relaxed, but somehow there often seemed to be some drama.  I've probably spent almost as many Christmas days not in the presence of anyone from my childhood family, as what I have with them.  I've had a lot of different experiences - being with friends, camping, and the past 17 Christmas' have been with Cary, most of those in the USA.  Memories of his family and sharing special times with them came to mind... memories of our children's Christmas fun, getting rugged up, having a fire in the fireplace, driving around and looking at all of the Christmas lights (they are amazing in the USA!)....swirling...swirling memories of Christmas past....

My kids bickering was surrounding me, adding to my growing frustration of the lack of room.  The fn rainy weather that was keeping them inside was bugging me...could we please have a sunny Christmas sometime?  The lack of a decent area outside for them to play in.. I finally stopped trying to create a Christmas mood and turned off the Christmas music so that they could watch 'Toy Story'.  That was okay until they realised that the disc was scratched and they couldn't finish watching it and they went back to bickering.  Made me all warm and fuzzy thinking about the "joy" of Christmas...Not!  The Christmas music went back on ..."it's the hap, happiest time..of the year!"   I wasn't feeling it.  I questioned the current state of Christmas in my life and in myself and thought about how to do it differently in the future.

When I asked one of my kids to bring me the egg yolks to put in the gingerbread dough that I was mixing, and they brought over and tipped in the egg whites instead, I lost it.  I simply couldn't reach over myself and get the egg yolks as I had to go 10 feet away to use the power point to plug in the hand mixer and I thought how easy it would be to ask one of my kids to help me and stop bickering with the others for 10 seconds.

I told Cary that I'm not doing this again next year...I won't attempt to bake cookies in this small space, I will either just not do it, or I will go to a friends house who has a proper kitchen.  And I won't send Christmas cards because that art seems to be just about dead as most people just send an electronic bulk email often without a personal note.  And I don't want to be here next year, I want to be somewhere different.  Preferably somewhere that it is not raining.  (yes, I know...it's the sub tropics and it's the wet season so what did I expect?!)

I don't know why this one day of the year brings up so much 'stuff' for me.  I've alternated between wanting a big cosy house with all of the trimmings and extended family around me, to wanting to ignore it all and go play on a deserted island until it was all over.  I needed to process the ghosts of Christmas' past, present and future to see where I am in alignment with it all right now.

The real thing that my implosion brought to light was that I want Christmas to have more meaning, more depth.  I think I've pretty much been able to create the relaxed Christmas Day atmosphere that I had wanted as a child.  We don't make plans beyond getting up in the morning, and giving the children some gifts.  After that, they are free to play, we prepare nice food, hopefully go for a swim and / or a walk.  It's not a whole lot different from our other days.  Our children get gifts all through the year, or they buy themselves things they want.  Cary and I also get what we want when we want it and haven't exchanged Christmas gifts for many years.  I enjoy buying a few extra fun gifts for our children, and I enjoy seeing them have fun with them.   Enough rambling...

Our star...

Our family has been enjoying going to our local New Thought center every week.  I've been running a kids club there.  We do some crafts, play games, read stories, and have fun.  We've done vision boards and gratitude trees and performed songs like Shawn Gallaways 'I Choose Love'.  Last Sunday we had a celebration of the season and I was asked to have the kids perform a Christmasy song.  We had one week to talk about what we would do and put our own twist on it.  We decided to do 'The 12 days of Christmas'.

Here is how we changed it to make it relevant to the nature of our area and the kids who helped to write it:

On the ___ day of Christmas, the Universe gave to us -

A star in the Southern sky

Two Peace doves

Three bananas

Four pretty flowers

Five golden beaches

Six happy friends

Seven colours of the rainbow

Eight wonders of the world

Nine songs for dancing

Ten butterflies

Eleven funny jokes

Twelve sunny days (well, maybe).  (We've had so much rain!)

We had little props and actions for each 'day', and each of the kids got involved to the level of their comfort.  On the 'Star in the Southern Sky', Nicholas held up a picture of a star that some of the kids had drawn and coloured...but he didn't just hold it up, he was very dramatic and expressive - so much so that the audience were cracking up and Nicholas pretty much stole the show.  He is such a natural performer!

I wish I had some video of this - so funny!

Christmas..

We had a lovely Christmas day. The children woke us up at 4:50am, super excited for the day...

Nicholas in a calm moment..

Summer...

and AJ when he opened his ipod touch...

Summer also received an ipod touch and they have been running through our monthly internet allowance to the point that we had to disconnect the Wi-Fi until the next billing cycle so that we can have a little left to do our stuff on the net.

My brother and sister-in-law visited for a few hours on Christmas morning which was really lovely. We played, ate, went to the beach and had a really cruisy day. No stress. Full of joy though, and simple pleasures.

Happy Holidays!

I have a stack of Christmas cards on my desk but have not gotten around to writing on any of them. What on earth have I been doing?!!

Cary is coming home tomorrow!!!!! He will be here until May.

In case I don't get the cards written and sent...please know that I wish everyone a very happy and joy-full holiday season.

Reflecting..

Christmas morning....

About 10 days later....

In the quiet of the early morning, while everyone else slept, I took down our Christmas tree. I felt a tinge of sadness in doing so as our Christmas season together was just lovely. After some initial concerns over the whole season, it took on a delightful energy around us and we enjoyed doing simple, seasonal things together.

We had our Christmas tree on Nicholas' train table in front of a window. With warm, humid days now, we like having all of the windows open to take advantage of the lovely coastal breezes we get here. So, it was time for the tree to come down. If I'd moved it anywhere else, it would have just been in the way. With it staying there, it blocked the breeze.

So now we have a new year. The last one will be remembered fondly for many adventures and much personal growth. I'm excited to step into this next one, already wonderful things have been happening!

May 2009 be a year of many happy moments for you and may you know an abundance of love, peace and joy.

celebrations

Cary arrived home on Thursday. The heat and humidity were a bit of a shock for him, but he's adjusting. We enjoyed a belated birthday celebration on thursday for him and the day after we celebrated Summer's 11th birthday. After some sunny days, it chose to rain all day on her birthday. As she had the magical birthday power to choose our outing for the day, we went to the movies and saw 'High School Musical 3'. Cute and fun in a candy kind of way. Then out for some pizza for lunch and a relaxing afternoon. Saw some friends in the evening and overall, I think she enjoyed her day.

I have been thinking about Christmas and the meaning it has for me and how it can be more meaningful for my family. I've also been on a mission to decrease even more material things. But how to do that within a homeschooling family that needs 'stuff'? So I didn't want Christmas to get out of control with excess decorations, presents, food etc. But I also remember being a child and how those things helped add to the anticipation that was all part of the excitement. I've also been concerned about my children being disappointed on christmas because they won't have a hundred gifts under the tree. - I was thinking they'd get the idea about this from speaking to other kids and watching some christmas movies where it shows a floor filled with gifts under a huge tree on christmas morning.

So I realised that I had several conflicting thoughts and that I was creating most of them in my own head. If I thought my kids might be disappointed, they probably would be. If I changed that to the joy they'll get from the few things they'll get, then we'll all be blessed.

We were driving to the mall the other day and I was starting to dread facing the crowds. Instead, I released that feeling and focused on the joy of anticipation, seeing the decorations and feeling the excitement instead of focusing on the materialistic side and complaining about that. I want my children to remember happy christmases, filled with fun and joy no matter where we are or what we are doing. That's really the main gift I want to give them.

blah blah

a quick little post...kind of crazy at the moment. Cary is still in the usa. He had his birthday last week and what did we give him? A phone call. Summer will turn 11 in 6 days. And I am just not ready for anything to do with Christmas. Though after Nicholas' pleading, I did give in a buy a cheap tree which he adores. We went to a mall last week that I usually avoid and I could not wait to get out of there. Too much 'stuff'! people rushing around with no smiles but big bags filled with stuff. Where is the meaning??????

Last week we happened to catch some filming of a kids show "H2O" about three teenaged girls who turn into mermaids when they get wet. It's usually filmed at the local Warner Bros. studio, but they were on location at 'our' headland. So we stopped and watched for a while. AJ got a bit bored as each scene took sooooo long to film and they did it over and over from different angles. Summer was excited and had "a million questions". If we'd had our camera, the kids could have had their pic taken with the girls, but of course I didn't.

Some travelling homeschool friends that we met when we were on the road are back in town. They have 3 kids and one of their sons and AJ are best friends. All the kids get on well together so it's lots of fun when we get together.

Just got off the phone from Cary who said he'll be home on thursday. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christmas without Santa

My kids have been very curious about the 'truth' about Santa for quite a while. Last Christmas, Summer was starting to question the whole Santa concept, but for the sake of the boys, I explained that Santa is the spirit of Christmas and spoke about that rather than the guy living in the North Pole with the sweatshop..oops, workshop of elves making toys. AJ was so into the whole Santa thing last year, and his excitement was contagious. However, he was a bit disappointed on Christmas morning when he didn't get the things he had asked for. I think he felt a bit ripped off by the man in the red suit who had said he would "see what he could do" about getting AJ a Nintendo Wii system, among other things.

But recently AJ decided to give him another chance and wrote out a huge long list of things that he wanted. Oh gee I thought, he's really going to be disappointed this year. But he was also questioning the whole concept. He wanted to believe but was listening to Summer and her doubt. I mentioned the whole spirit of Christmas theme again, but they weren't really buying it. AJ was hanging onto his belief in an effort to hang on to some of that childhood magic, but at the same time, wanted to be in on a secret that he was sensing was being kept from him.

I couldn't take it any more. As AJ's list was getting longer, the questions were coming faster. I had to weigh up major disappointment on Christmas morning after a big build up to the day in his mind, or bursting a bubble right here and now. When he asked me again "is Santa real?", I just knew that it was time. I took hold of his big balloon bubble and let the air out as slowly as I could. Summer was fine, just glad to finally know what was going on and her suspicions had been confirmed. AJ looked a little sad, but we all had a magical discussion about the spirit of Christmas. I shared stories of some of my childhood Christmas celebrations. We spoke about making Christmas more meaningful and how we could (now) focus on other aspects of Christmas besides presents. We spoke about keeping Christmas magical in other ways. The conversation turned around and we were discussing advertising and marketing strategies and how we can look at ads and see behind the glitz. Nicholas had been sitting quietly (a rather rare thing when he's awake) throughout most of the conversation and then added a rather involved comment on babies being given dummies/pacifiers and wondered why he had never had one. (?Don't know where that came from.) But we were able to turn that one back around to the Christmas discussion somehow. When I was speaking, Summer and AJ listened with such interest and respect. They did not interrupt me, or fight with each other and they gave each other the same courtesy when they were speaking. It's as though we all knew it was a significant moment.

Sitting there, watching my two older kids grow up just a bit more, was a very special time. I feel a mixture of sadness and relief and happiness that we can change the direction of our Christmas celebration to one that I think will bring a lot more meaning. It was a moment that I wanted to go on and on, but the children were getting tired and decided to go to bed. It will always be in my heart.

photos

At the caravan park on Bribie Island, Queensland, Christmas Eve. AJ was soooo excited because Santa came to visit - riding in the back of the little white pick up truck coming down the road behind him, all dressed in the red suit while the other people with him throwing candy out to the kids were dressed in shorts and t-shirts.


AJ got to talk to the jolly man. I have never either encouraged nor discouraged the whole Santa concept, I've kind of just left it up to the kids to ask questions if they wanted more info. This past Christmas, Sami asked me if I thought Santa was real. I told her I thought that Santa represented the spirit of christmas which was definitely real. She didn't ask any more questions but I could see her trying to figure it out. I let her know that I'd be happy to talk with her more but I think she wanted to believe in the magic for one more year.



AJ lost another tooth and was very excited! It's the 5th one he's lost.



Mr nature photographer, AJ, has taken probably 100 photos of his favourite birds. He has a knack of attracting them and has a lot of patience when doing so.

Dec 27 07

Australians love the great outdoors. Cary is amazed by the large number of campgrounds and how packed they all are at this time of the year. Family groups gather together and help with meals and the children after spending the day enjoying the simple pleasures of playing on the beach, going for walks and sitting around chatting while the kids play with cousins and new friends.

This new campground that we are at is a bit different from the last one. The other one had a beautiful pool, fabulous camp kitchen, kids playground, modern amenities and the sites were larger. This one is a lot more basic, but the people here are all so friendly. We are across the road from a river with lovely white sandy beaches. In a few days we're moving to the other side of the island and will be a block away from the surf beach. I thought I'd be glad to move, but I actually think I'll miss this quiet, close community. The kids have made a ton of new friends. On christmas, a lot of the other kids were given Nintendo DS's. In the afternoon, they discovered they could message each other. Sami and AJ took their DS's over and soon they were figuring out how far away they could all be and still get the messages. They just had a great time. They've also all been riding their scooters a lot around the park. They haven't missed having a playground and a pool here as they have found other things to do. The weather has been good, not hot, just really pleasant with some showers keeping things cool and fresh.

Our christmas was nice and simple. We went to my brother's houseboat for lunch and spent the afternoon playing on the beach and at the playground up the road. With all of the kids in the park, I did not hear any of them say to any others "what did you get?". They all just seemed to enjoy what they had and it was not a competition of who got the best stuff. Nice.

Even though we had a simple, stress-free, joyful christmas, there was something niggling at me that was missing. It seemed to lack depth. I think we can fill that next year by getting involved in some kind of community service project to help others.

Hope y'all are enjoying basking in the post-Christmas glow.

Christmas Joy

Photo taken at South West Rocks, NSW. 17 Dec 2007

We are packing up our camper to prepare for an early morning get away tomorrow. It's amazing how relaxed we are. Life has continued to flow beautifully here. With the shopping centers jam packed, we always manage to get a spot right near the front. Not that we have been spending much time there, but when we do go, it's been a pleasure and we've been able to do what we need to do without stress. It's been so great!

Warm wishes to all our friends and family for a happy and joyful christmas!