Speaking...

I had a friend tell me that another mutual friend has not been in touch with me lately, because she doesn't know where she stands with me.  She likes me, but her main reason?  Because I don't speak a lot.

I wasn't hurt or upset.  I didn't even feel the need to defend myself.  All of those things would have been certain once upon a time.

It was almost like a could feel a little pixie on my right shoulder just having a bit of a laugh!

Maybe that person did or didn't say that.  Maybe the message got a bit skewed in translation.   Either way, I honestly had the feeling that what another person thinks of me, is none of my business!

Maybe that other person is feeling insecure.  I personally thought that she and I had enjoyed some wonderful, and deep conversations.

Later on, I did ponder the statement though.  I thought about the way that I am with people and I just wanted to reflect on it.

At school and church, we were taught to be quiet, but then they wanted up to speak up on command.  I never bought into the trained monkey idea.

I became an observer, a listener.  I like watching people and trying to figure out why they do certain things.  I shared bits of myself at different times.  Sometimes I got hurt because of that.  So I'd pretend to be someone else that was more outgoing or more naughty or just someone that I was not, just to try and fit in.  It didn't work.  My true self said to me "what the heck are you doing?!  You are a gift and you need to let yourself be free so that you can shine!"

Great advice!

I've had a lot of people in and out of my life.  I became cautious about what I shared with new people, and I had to be really comfortable with someone before I could talk about my feelings, or my story.  That became a pattern of protection.  I aim to be kind, and open, and loving, and friendly.  I am happy to hear about you.  Maybe sometimes still, I can be so busy listening to what you are saying, with your words and / or energetically, that I don't even think to share much about my thoughts or feelings about whatever we are talking about.  Sometimes it seems that someone else has a greater need to speak, so I let them go for it.  I don't have a huge need to speak.

I find small talk painful.  And draining.

I don't enjoy being in groups where there are a few people that seem to want to dominate the conversation and talk over the top of others.  The energy feels frantic and competitive to me.

I do enjoy being in relaxed groups with gentle conversation, without needing agreement on whatever subject is being discussed.

I love to talk about the deep things.  About connection.  About finding your power.  About joy.  About what really matters to you.  About Trust.  Purpose.  Stepping up.  Falling down.  Real stuff.  That's the stuff I want to talk about!  And even better if we can chat one on one.

I am not afraid of public speaking, I can do that about any of my passions...unschooling, Love, homeschooling, living simply, Joy, connected parenting, Reiki and energy healing, traveling with children, etc.  I'm very comfortable with bartering, asking for discounts / refunds / replacements, and calmly speaking up when I know that my rights have been wronged.  Some people are terrified of all of these things.  I used to be.

I'm not verbose in person.  (Though I can ramble on via this blog!)  I like the space between the notes.  I like quiet.  Most of the time.  I'm very comfortable with it.  Some people are not and they have a need to fill up the quiet with a stream of chatter.  I don't like to ramble on about the weather, or the political situation, or what I had for lunch.  I'm not judging those who do.  Hey, if that's your thing, I'm happy for you!  Really.  And I've know plenty of lovely people whose thing it is.

I am more inclined to feel my way through life.  I really don't feel the need to talk a lot.  Some friends in the past have found that trait to be quite calming.  I'm not going to be someone that I am not.  Here I AM!  I am happy to be me!   I hope that you are happy to be You!


I'd say that this meme sums up my philosophy:

I Give Up

....alcohol. 

I've given it up before, for over 12 years.  I started having an occasional "one or two" sometime after we moved back to Australia.  We would get together often with friends and, well, it just seemed to be a part of the Aussie culture...what I had grown up with...old conditionings surfaced.

I thought I had a handle on it and I would usually stop after one or two.  For some reason...those old conditionings... drinking made me feel kind of grown up / part of the crowd / like I was interesting.  Thinking about it now, they are probably the exact reasons that I started drinking as a teenager and through a lot of my 20's.  If I wasn't being the 'party girl', I was on the opposite side of the spectrum being the 'health nut'.  Back and forth swung the pendulum.  After too much partying, I'd vow to stop and get healthy again...but the call was strong.  From the time I was a young child, I witnessed the "grown ups" around me drinking and partying.  A lot.  Why did I think that I needed alcohol to join the party?  Why did I think I wasn't interesting enough on my own? 

OK, I admit, when I was younger, it certainly helped me act wild and crazy and ...stupid.  It helped me feel as though I was part of the crowd.  I had often felt kind of on the outside.  The double edge to that is that, through observation, I often didn't even want to be a part of the crowd and some of their petty ways.  But I always kind of wanted to feel as though I fit in somewhere.  I don't enjoy a lot of small talk, but with alcohol, I could handle talking about any kind of rubbish that I sometimes didn't even remember the next day.

The kids and I were out camping this week.  In tents that is, because we kind of live the camping life anyway.  We went with a group of homeschool friends.  Someone brought red wine, which is the only alcohol I've been drinking when I do have "one or two" lately.  I hadn't eaten much that day.  For some reason, I didn't stop at one or two.  I didn't have too much more than that, but without much food, it hit me.  Hard.  Ugh.  During recovery, I kept feeling my Dad around me trying to help me - not with the physical recovery, he didn't seem to mind that I was having a hard time as it might help me to get the message.  The message that I don't need to drink in order to join in the crowd or be more interesting or more relaxed or the life of the party or whatever trigger might have been interfering with my ability to say to myself "that's enough".

I don't have to be super chatty, or dance around, or tell funny stories in order to have a good time.  I can have the best time just being deeply connected with myself, and letting that light shine through in all interactions with others.      ahhh...nice revelation...I think that was part of the problem too - I was not feeling very connected within.  You know, that's probably the reason this post was getting me out of bed in the middle of the night to have some quiet time to ponder all of this.  To remind me of how important it is to Be Connected to my deeper self...the one that knows she's okay, just how she is and doesn't need to prove a thing...the one that feels comfortable being silent when others are talking a lot...the one that doesn't need a wine glass because her inner cup is already full...the one that remembers that authentic connection is really what she is all about...the one that can dance freely just for the joy of it...  Now this is what it feels like to be a "grown up"!

...PS...I am not passing judgement on anyone else who chooses to drink alcohol.  It just does not work for me.

What the heck is it all about? (& a turnaround)

Really....why are we all here?  If we were all created by some higher intelligence / force / spirit...what on earth did they have in mind as the purpose of all of this?   Why is there war and greed and everything negative?  I do believe in a Greater Power, I just am at a total loss to understand..well,...life.

There is a lot of talk of how we are heading for a Golden Age, where more people will be enlightened and the world will be more harmonious.  Well...why wasn't the world created like that to start with?! 

All of the suffering, and challenges...are they all here to offer us contrast?  To make us appreciate the goodness in our lives?  Is that really necessary?  If 'God' is so compassionate, WHY does s/he let so many bad things happen?

Where is the justice and the logic in loving caring people who cannot have a baby and the drug-addict mother who can't stop having babies?

I've heard all of the cases...We don't need to understand, we just have to accept and have faith and believe that there is a greater purpose to all of this...that Suffering is a normal part of the human experience.  I don't want to listen to another 'spiritual author' just trying to sell their own books and products which are usually just a rehash of other peoples insights anyway.  How many of them actually want to help others and how many just want to cash in on the questioning and suffering?

(several days later...)
.... I don't know the answers.  Maybe that's ok.  If I keep dwelling on that, I create a downward, dark spiral within myself.  That is not my true nature.  I feel the most in alignment when I am seeing the light, the positive in life.  I don't need a lot of contrast in my life...I've had enough to know that the dark side is not where I want to be.  Focusing on the big 'why' of life had me somewhat paralysed ... I felt that I could not move forward, and at the time, I did not want to.

I spent some time surrounded by nature.  Not expecting anything, just open to letting these recent thoughts mull around within me...I was a little surprised when I started to feel lighter...when a Knowing came to me that no matter what happens, I will still Be.  The judgement of 'good' or 'bad' was up to me.  I could focus on all of the chaos that seems to be swirling lately, gathering momentum in the lives of so many people that I know.  Or, I could focus on the place within where I feel like I'm working with the Universe - where I feel Joy just by being my true self.  Nothing grandiose, just simply and quietly stating my truth, seeing the absolute best in people, aiming to not judge but to live showing kindness and love and compassion to others and myself.

My focus is to inspire myself to live this lightness more fully.  To not be so concerned with the things I cannot change, and to not contribute to the things I do not like in the world.  Even in little ways like statements of judgement of people or situations.  That doesn't serve anyone.  Perhaps my ego gets a little comfort stroke from that, but it does not bring me alignment with my truth.  Along the way, if I inspire anyone else, well that is just a bonus.

With great joy and gratitude for all that is...

home...?

Home is ..where? Sure I love it here. I love being by the ocean and in this beautiful area with lots of green bushland around.

As I was driving home from the tie-dying event the other day, as I drove through lots of farmland, I got to wondering....."Can I honestly live happily on a farm?"

There are so many wonderful things about the whole farm concept. I can totally appreciate the beauty of the farm areas.

But the place where I feel truly full - filled...is by the ocean. Sitting on the beach, or being in the water, I experience timelessness. I feel oneness. I feel...home.

In my vision for the retreat / farm, I had always imagined that it would be on a little hill with the ocean (not a river or a pond) directly below it.

I can have both. Now that I realise that, I will no longer look inland for a good place for a farm, but will focus my search only on the coast.

mish-mash

The touch of coolness in the morning air recently vanished and was replaced with very warm, humid weather. We got to a point where we put our air conditioner on in the house (we don't have it in the car) for just the second time this summer. That would bring our a/c total running time to under an hour. When we have put it on, it's just to cool the place down and take the edge off. We have had the ceiling fans on low or medium quite often, just to keep air moving when there is no breeze. But I think our next electricity bill will be fairly reasonable.

We have had fires to the south of us, with around 200 people dead and 7000 homeless. Friends of ours in those areas were all lucky to escape. So sad. I can't imagine. Floods to the north of us causing an increase in the cost of bananas (a main staple in my diet). Many large and small businesses and community groups around us are having fundraisers to help these people. It always warms the heart to see community pull together, it's a shame it takes a tragedy to make it so.

Today the humidity has broken and it's been raining steadily all day. I'm in jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt which is nice for a change. The kitchen is calling me to bake cookies! It's been too warm to heat up the house any more by baking but today is a good day to stock up on some home baked treats.

A while back I was doing a lot of reading, trying to figure out what the natural diet of we humans should be. For 30 years I've been playing around with different diets, experimenting on myself. In that time, I have never found more passion in a group as what I have amongst those following a raw-food diet. So many people find such energy and enthusiasm for life and that style of eating that they want to tell everyone. Fantastic! It often comes with much inspiration and encouragement as well. However, amongst the groups of raw fooders there seems to be a lot of disagreement on the 'right' way to do raw. High fat vs low fat, high fruit vs low fruit, superfoods vs natural foods etc. It's exhausting! After trying to get back into all raw foods here, and getting side-tracked by all of the conflicting advice, I went back out on my own to figure things out.

Yes, the human ancestors started out as raw vegans, but in order to evolve and thrive and move to different areas, changes needed to be made which included eating animals and using fire to cook. (I wonder if this is when more aggressive behaviour began.)

There can be points made to justify any point of view as to why a person chooses a certain way of eating. So I had to reach a place where I was totally comfortable with how my family and I eat. Certainly lots of fruit and veges of the highest quality possible. We shop at local farmers markets from local growers who are organic or on their way there. Grains - I buy good quality flour and use different grains for variety. I make most of our own cookies, cakes, waffles and pies which we don't do a lot of when it's warmer outside. Except the waffles which are a standard Sunday morning thing. I'm going to start making our own pasta again soon. If I buy any packaged pasta or bread, it's from a quality wholegrain source. Fats - unsalted butter, olive oil, canola oil or coconut oil, the best quality I can. Milk - usually rice or soy though Cary likes full cream dairy. Protein - organic dry beans, homecooked, organic tofu and tempeh. And I made peace with the fact that Cary and the kids enjoy meat. So if they want it, they buy hormone free and organic if possible. Same with their eggs. For me, a low-fat, vegan diet with grains only several times a week seems to work the best. I love a hearty vege soup when it's cool out and I also enjoy lots of fresh foods. I'm more in touch with my body and it's needs and eat more instinctively rather than what I think I should eat due to the time of day or combination of food.

I'm working towards making most of our own basic foods like hummus, tomato sauce and nut butter etc and getting away from most processed foods.

Basically, my research led me to a greater understanding of why eating a diet of more whole-foods is important. And why I no longer get sucked in when shopping with the kids and they ask for a packet of cookies or something of minimal nutritional value. And I no longer feel any judgement towards anyone choosing to eat a particular way. Because that might work for them, and why did I feel that my way was the 'right' way anyway? That kind of attitude doesn't create harmony in my life or the world.

Speaking of harmony, some times it's hard to stay rooted in that. Subtle things take me away from that but I am getting much better at sourcing the cause of it. The biggest breakthrough though has been in realising that often it's my own connection to myself that is disrupted. For some reason, in that moment I am not living my Truth and once I get back on track with that, harmony is restored.