I Give Up

....alcohol. 

I've given it up before, for over 12 years.  I started having an occasional "one or two" sometime after we moved back to Australia.  We would get together often with friends and, well, it just seemed to be a part of the Aussie culture...what I had grown up with...old conditionings surfaced.

I thought I had a handle on it and I would usually stop after one or two.  For some reason...those old conditionings... drinking made me feel kind of grown up / part of the crowd / like I was interesting.  Thinking about it now, they are probably the exact reasons that I started drinking as a teenager and through a lot of my 20's.  If I wasn't being the 'party girl', I was on the opposite side of the spectrum being the 'health nut'.  Back and forth swung the pendulum.  After too much partying, I'd vow to stop and get healthy again...but the call was strong.  From the time I was a young child, I witnessed the "grown ups" around me drinking and partying.  A lot.  Why did I think that I needed alcohol to join the party?  Why did I think I wasn't interesting enough on my own? 

OK, I admit, when I was younger, it certainly helped me act wild and crazy and ...stupid.  It helped me feel as though I was part of the crowd.  I had often felt kind of on the outside.  The double edge to that is that, through observation, I often didn't even want to be a part of the crowd and some of their petty ways.  But I always kind of wanted to feel as though I fit in somewhere.  I don't enjoy a lot of small talk, but with alcohol, I could handle talking about any kind of rubbish that I sometimes didn't even remember the next day.

The kids and I were out camping this week.  In tents that is, because we kind of live the camping life anyway.  We went with a group of homeschool friends.  Someone brought red wine, which is the only alcohol I've been drinking when I do have "one or two" lately.  I hadn't eaten much that day.  For some reason, I didn't stop at one or two.  I didn't have too much more than that, but without much food, it hit me.  Hard.  Ugh.  During recovery, I kept feeling my Dad around me trying to help me - not with the physical recovery, he didn't seem to mind that I was having a hard time as it might help me to get the message.  The message that I don't need to drink in order to join in the crowd or be more interesting or more relaxed or the life of the party or whatever trigger might have been interfering with my ability to say to myself "that's enough".

I don't have to be super chatty, or dance around, or tell funny stories in order to have a good time.  I can have the best time just being deeply connected with myself, and letting that light shine through in all interactions with others.      ahhh...nice revelation...I think that was part of the problem too - I was not feeling very connected within.  You know, that's probably the reason this post was getting me out of bed in the middle of the night to have some quiet time to ponder all of this.  To remind me of how important it is to Be Connected to my deeper self...the one that knows she's okay, just how she is and doesn't need to prove a thing...the one that feels comfortable being silent when others are talking a lot...the one that doesn't need a wine glass because her inner cup is already full...the one that remembers that authentic connection is really what she is all about...the one that can dance freely just for the joy of it...  Now this is what it feels like to be a "grown up"!

...PS...I am not passing judgement on anyone else who chooses to drink alcohol.  It just does not work for me.

Need vs Want pt 2

As a PS to my previous post, ... at first it was interesting to look around the shops here, to see old familiar products and foods that we used to get, to see what was new. But I also found it overwhelming as there are just so many more shops and people and choices here. I did start going to old favourite discount stores but then I couldn't wait to get out. The thrift stores here used to be a good place to get a bargain and I can't believe how much their prices have gone up. When I'm in Australia, I tend to shop more consciously. I was definitely more of a random consumer when I lived here before. I think I justified that with things like "it was such a bargain" or thinking that "I might use it someday" and of course when the kids came along, yard sales were heaven for bringing out my own inner child and buying toys and things that 'I' wanted to play with. I'm grateful for that experience, and I'm grateful for realising that living a life with less material stuff actually makes my life feel fuller and richer.

Moving on...

A couple of weeks ago I had a moment when it hit me that I'm getting older. Cary held me and gently said "we are getting older...let's do it gracefully". His words reminded me to accept this stage, this time, this moment. In acceptance of this fact, I can be more gentle with myself, more content with myself and perhaps from that will flow grace towards all areas of my life. It does not mean I'm going to sit back in the rocker and watch the parade of life, but I will continue to seek adventures and find joy with a deeper appreciation for those things.

My current goal is improving my health and fitness which have declined a bit since we moved back into a house and got less active. Most days I've been using the fitness room here, and doing some yoga and swimming. I've also been drinking green smoothies again thanks to Cary for buying me a new Vita-Mix 5200!

I bought a used Vita-Mix years ago which has had a ton of use. It is my favourite kitchen 'thing'. Cooking doesn't thrill me (gee, if it did, I probably would have bought a bunch of those knives at that yard sale I wrote about in the previous post, and I would have known that they were good quality). I like simple food with not a whole lot of variety. My favourite type of food has always been fruit and I love the way the vita-mix makes smooth smoothies out of whole fruit in just a few seconds. I also use it to make batters for waffles, salad dressings, fresh pasta sauce and soups. I have the extra container on my old machine, which will also work on the new one, that is for 'dry' needs such as grinding flour. It's pretty much the only gadget I need in the kitchen. (Except for maybe one plain old sharp knife.)

So was the V-M purchase satisfying a need or a want? Maybe both. I want to spend less time in the kitchen. I want to find ways for the whole family to enjoy eating more whole foods. I need help in that department! I need to improve my own health and I want to enjoy the process. I know I mentioned the green smoothies which are such an easy way to pack in natural vitamins and minerals. My current favourite recipe is: 2 cups water, large handful of organic baby spinach, 3 bananas and 1/2 cup each of frozen pineapple and mango. After working up a sweat on the treadmill, this drink has me feeling revived and ready for the rest of the day.

So maybe the 'need vs want' justification can be transcended when a purchase is primarily an investment, especially in our own health - in this case mental and physical.