Back into the light...

A few days ago I wrote a blog entry that I did not post.  It was written from a dark place that I had gotten myself trapped in (again!).  Thankfully these episodes do not happen too frequently and I know that they do actually serve a purpose.  They signal that my life is not in alignment with Who I Really Am and they give me the motivation (after some wallowing... no, that's not how I want to see it.  How about..after some processing..) to climb out of the rut.

I think I only slip into those dark places when I've slowly let go of things I love to do.  It's so easy to blame other people or forces for that.  In my case I was partly blaming the weather for being too cold / wet / windy for getting out and riding or walking.  I also got trapped into thinking that it was because my body is physically changing as I get a little older (hormones etc).  In thinking about how I'm getting older, I feel like I actually look older. I thought I had been aging fairly gracefully, but this was like a sudden aging and it shocked me.  I've been feeling very tired and my motivation to do anything much over the basics, went way down.  Basically, I just have not been comfortable with myself and I stuffed those feelings down with extra food, and food that I don't usually eat.  Food that I know does not serve me well or give me energy.  Of course I put on weight so then I was a fat old lady in my mind.  Not very empowering at all.  I think doing the vision board recently got me thinking about how I really want to feel, which was good, but then I got stuck in thinking of all of the reasons why that might not happen.  Self-sabotage at its finest.

I got to the point where I said "ENOUGH!".  I have a lot of positive experience to call upon.  Times when I felt fantastic and energetic, ranging in scale from a whole bunch more than I did at that low point, to times when I was bursting with energy all day.  I called upon all of those and replayed those feelings over and over in my mind, feeling those sensations in my body, remembering that energy...and I reclaimed my vibrancy!  The strength of my determination pulled me out of the quicksand and had me standing solidly on the rock of knowing what I need to do to manifest that in my body and my life.  I know that just wanting it is not enough and I need to actually DO things - playful movement and fueling my body with what I know nourishes it the absolute best.

I am not expecting immediate results, although after just a couple of days, my energy level has come up and my body is responding with more efficiency.  I am keeping in my mind the feelings of vibrant health that I have known in the past.  I know that I don't have the added metabolic benefit of being pregnant and/or nursing (that I had for almost 13 years straight) and that my biggest hurdle will be my own mind.  I'm up for the challenge!  I have set a 4 week goal  and am confident of achieving that. 

Personal Training myself..

In my life BC (before children), I worked as a Personal fitness trainer and Aerobics instructor (and a part time gig as a Reiki practitioner as well which kind of balanced my energy - the physical / mental of the fitness work with the Spiritual of the Reiki work).  Anyway...back then, I could not quite figure out why it was so hard to motivate some of my clients.  Well guess what?  I have become my clients!  Middle aged, extra pounds, and very little motivation.  I have recognised this in me for several months now and well, haven't been very motivated to do anything about it.  Until now...my body just does not seem as efficient as it used to be and I know I need to move more to fix that.

So I accessed my former self and asked her to come up with a fitness plan that would suit my needs for simplicity, time-efficiency and fun while improving my fitness.  What she came back with is something I think will actually work!

60 minutes of something aerobic per day.  Preferably something like a 30+ minute bike ride or hike with the family in the morning and a 30+ minute walk to the beach and along the soft sand (for an extra workout), by myself so I can listen to a podcast or some groovy music.  Yes, that's do-able.  I need to also work on my strength now that I no longer lift little children throughout the day.  On days that I don't do the Green Challenge, I will aim to work up to doing 50 each of squats, push ups and crunches.  This week though, I am telling myself I only need to do one set of 10 reps of each (slowly).  If I miss a day then I need to do an extra set the next day.  Oh yeah, I'm a tough coach! (I'm not even going to think of how pathetic this programe is compared to what I used to do!)  I never have to do more than 50 of each, but when that is too easy, then I need to do them very very slowly and / or with extra weight.  Those three exercises cover all of the main muscle groups. Doing the Green Challenge seems to find any others I may have missed!   I'm grateful that my PT self came up with the three exercises plan - simple and brilliant!

One good thing about being older while working with this programme is that I don't feel fanatical about it.  I fit the exercise in around everything else.  And I am gentle with myself too.  I accept that I am getting older and my metabolism has changed and I know that in order to age more easily, I need to do this.  I believe that flexibility is also important so I will work in some stretching and yoga wherever possible.  Looking forward to a fitter future and longer paddles in my kayak!

Need vs Want pt 2

As a PS to my previous post, ... at first it was interesting to look around the shops here, to see old familiar products and foods that we used to get, to see what was new. But I also found it overwhelming as there are just so many more shops and people and choices here. I did start going to old favourite discount stores but then I couldn't wait to get out. The thrift stores here used to be a good place to get a bargain and I can't believe how much their prices have gone up. When I'm in Australia, I tend to shop more consciously. I was definitely more of a random consumer when I lived here before. I think I justified that with things like "it was such a bargain" or thinking that "I might use it someday" and of course when the kids came along, yard sales were heaven for bringing out my own inner child and buying toys and things that 'I' wanted to play with. I'm grateful for that experience, and I'm grateful for realising that living a life with less material stuff actually makes my life feel fuller and richer.

Moving on...

A couple of weeks ago I had a moment when it hit me that I'm getting older. Cary held me and gently said "we are getting older...let's do it gracefully". His words reminded me to accept this stage, this time, this moment. In acceptance of this fact, I can be more gentle with myself, more content with myself and perhaps from that will flow grace towards all areas of my life. It does not mean I'm going to sit back in the rocker and watch the parade of life, but I will continue to seek adventures and find joy with a deeper appreciation for those things.

My current goal is improving my health and fitness which have declined a bit since we moved back into a house and got less active. Most days I've been using the fitness room here, and doing some yoga and swimming. I've also been drinking green smoothies again thanks to Cary for buying me a new Vita-Mix 5200!

I bought a used Vita-Mix years ago which has had a ton of use. It is my favourite kitchen 'thing'. Cooking doesn't thrill me (gee, if it did, I probably would have bought a bunch of those knives at that yard sale I wrote about in the previous post, and I would have known that they were good quality). I like simple food with not a whole lot of variety. My favourite type of food has always been fruit and I love the way the vita-mix makes smooth smoothies out of whole fruit in just a few seconds. I also use it to make batters for waffles, salad dressings, fresh pasta sauce and soups. I have the extra container on my old machine, which will also work on the new one, that is for 'dry' needs such as grinding flour. It's pretty much the only gadget I need in the kitchen. (Except for maybe one plain old sharp knife.)

So was the V-M purchase satisfying a need or a want? Maybe both. I want to spend less time in the kitchen. I want to find ways for the whole family to enjoy eating more whole foods. I need help in that department! I need to improve my own health and I want to enjoy the process. I know I mentioned the green smoothies which are such an easy way to pack in natural vitamins and minerals. My current favourite recipe is: 2 cups water, large handful of organic baby spinach, 3 bananas and 1/2 cup each of frozen pineapple and mango. After working up a sweat on the treadmill, this drink has me feeling revived and ready for the rest of the day.

So maybe the 'need vs want' justification can be transcended when a purchase is primarily an investment, especially in our own health - in this case mental and physical.