Just as we were starting to dry out from the last batch of rain, we had another 3.5 days of it. I started to go nuts. The kids, feeding on my not-so-positive energy, started climbing the walls. Summer is a little down with a cold that I have as well - mostly a nagging, annoying cough. Nicholas had a fever for a few days on and off and was very needy. I was so tired from my own cold thingy and he needed me so much, as did the others due to the weather and being on top of each other. When I'd go outside, everything was just cold and wet and yuck. I started to allow myself into a pathetic pity party. On top of that, I'm reading (in all of my spare time!) 'Mother-Daughter Wisdom' by Dr Christiane Northrup. It's bringing up stuff with my own mum and pointing out ways that that conditioning has already influenced my relationship with my daughter - not always to the best - and times when I haven't been a good role model. (For some reason, I couldn't see all of the times when I had been a great role model.)
I started a downward spiral. A small part of me enjoyed just letting go and falling into that quicksand...so tired...just yell and everyone will go away. But they didn't - they stayed closer than ever, showing their Trust in me, their Love and their support. Little people, with big, forgiving hearts. Gosh, I think I've been thinking too much about that book and therefore creating the stuff that I don't want. There's got to be a better way to release the old stuff.
Somehow I figured it out. I don't know how. I do know that there was a bigger me inside that really wanted to just choose Joy. It lifted me out of the bog and put me back on top again. It didn't happen in a split second, but it did happen after I'd finally gotten 15 minutes of quiet time when the kids all went to the playground once the sun came out. It wasn't even something I thought about, it was something quietly at work to make things more JoyFull around here, no matter what the weather.
We went for a drive...Summer and AJ got haircuts..we checked our PO Box and got some good mail including some pressies for Nicholas who turns 3 tomorrow!...we went to Blockbuster and hired some DVD's and then we went and played on the beach. Ah, the beautiful, magical, healing beach. We live so close, I don't know why we don't visit it more often. Oh yeah - the rain.
Summer wasn't very happy with her haircut - it wasn't short enough. On the way there, she had said that she wants it very short. I thought it was already short but she said really short. Flashback to my memory of being her age when my Mum kept my hair really short and I absolutely hated it. I liked being a tom boy and lived in jeans or shorts when I wasn't in my strict school uniform dress (to this day I rarely wear a dress) but I hated people thinking that I was a boy. I always wanted long hair. I did not want my 'stuff' to interfere with what Summer wanted for her hair. She and I spoke with the hair stylist and they looked at some photos. I tried to stay out of it a bit and let Summer speak up for herself. The stylist was lovely and gently tried to get Summer to explain what she wanted. I let her know that she was in a safe place and that the lady was there to help her..there was no rush and we didn't even have to do this today if she didn't feel ready. She was determined to go ahead and agreed to a style similar to what she had, a little shorter so that it was off her neck and a little more layered so that it was lighter. Several minutes after we had left, she was saying that she did not like the cut - it was too long still. What she was finally able to say was that she wanted a boy cut - very close and very layered. She said she didn't care if people thought she was a boy. She does tend to wear more feminine clothes than me so that's not even a consideration for her. I suggested she wait a day or two and just see how this cut feels. If she's sure she wants to change it, we'll look around and find a photo of a cut she wants so she has something more definite to show next time.
So I think we had some good lessons there - I mentally hugged the 10 year old Annette and told her she was beautiful. I physically hugged my own daughter and told her the same and talked to her about speaking her truth and finding her voice and letting others know that her opinion really matters, especially when it's about something concerning her body.
In the evening, Nicholas went to bed early while the other two snuggled up next to me as we watched the 3rd Indiana Jones movie and Ratatouille. Ah, I love my kids! It's all good!