Sunday, July 20, 2008

Being here now

If you had asked me 30, 20 or even 10 years ago, where I thought I'd be when I was in my 40's, I definitely would not have thought I'd be where I am today.

Thinking back on the roller coaster of angst and restlessness I've felt since late childhood, I can see how every step has brought more clarity of Who I Really Am. There have been plenty of times where I felt as though the feeling of sinking into quicksand was overwhelming though as I surrendered into that, the ground beneath me became firm and I was able to come through with new insights.

I used to think that everyone else around me had it all together, that I was the only one who felt lost, confused, without clear direction or meaning. I was afraid of voicing these feelings, thinking that others would laugh at me. I stuffed feelings down with food & other unhealthy habits, kept myself busy with work, a see-saw of partying or working out too much, later children, mothers groups, committees, shopping, etc, all things to keep my mind busy with mundane mediocrity to keep me from listening to my heart - my true guide of how I should be living.

At times I found it easier, maybe even 'safer' (for my ego), to hold myself back through comparison with others. Knowing that I could never be as 'good' as them (as creative, smart, funny, pretty, etc) allowed me to hold myself back. How silly, how sad. How happy that we are raising our children in a way that they are safe to express their feelings, their desires, their needs. That they are encouraged to follow their dreams and try lots of different things to help them discover Who They Really Are.

There were times when my heart would try to guide me. It would send me messages through books, people, movies, a bumper sticker....things that would lead me to a vague restlessness and knowing that somehow, something was not in alignment with the way I was living. I tried to be positive, do affirmations and "Bloom where I was Planted". Always looking for..for..something I didn't even know, but I knew it was something really important.

I am grateful that I knew that I was asleep and sought to find my way to being fully awake - to living in a state of awareness. I no longer compare myself with others. I know that this is MY path, that we all have a different path and that we should not try to make others conform to our way. That we need to support each other on their way to BEcoming - coming to BE themselves.

Gratitude is such a wonderful healer. Even when things are not going the way we think, it helps to say "I'm not sure why this is happening, but Thank You". Doing this helps you to see why something may have happened. Maybe you were trying too hard to force something to go your way. Or maybe you had strayed from the path that you were meant to be on and had forgotten - had not listened to yourself.

I think the thing I had been looking for was me - the real me. Releasing my own expectations of what I thought others expected from me, freeing myself from all kinds of baggage has been a long process.

Yes, I never thought all of those years ago that I could be in such a wonderful place, full of inner peace and abundance. The challenge in my life was first to realise that it was MY life, to release the limitations I'd put on myself, and then reveal Who I Really Am. Kind of like peeling the layers on a juicy piece of fruit and then discovering how sweet and succulent the inside is. The joy I feel at times is such a delight that I find myself having a little chuckle. Like I have a delicious secret. But I wish everyone knew. ...

You don't have to DO a whole bunch of stuff to live a rich live, you just have to have the courage to BE more to live a whole, abundant life.

I'm not claiming to have found enlightenment, but I know that I am on the path. I've made it to base camp 1 and as I continue on my path, I know the view will just get better.

I hope you are having a beautiful day, no matter what the weather.


Earthmommy said...

I so enjoy reading your blog. You are such a talented writer. Have you ever considered compiling some of your experiences into a book?

Annette said...

I enjoy your comments and your blog too! Thanks for the compliment. As for a book - yeah, maybe. I am working on something at the moment but it might be a while yet, and not exactly what you'd expect.