Tonight I showed my kids how NOT to deal with frustration. And boy oh boy do I feel lousy about that. But, they were very understanding and forgiving. It was a few minutes of me ranting and raving and included some throwing of cushions just for some extra dramatic effect. Yeah. Real good example mum.
Yesterday (Friday) we went out in public for the first time in over a week. We did go out in the car on Monday to take the kids to their classes, but I didn't get to socialise as I had to stay with Nicholas and his chickenpox. We're used to being able to go out whenever we want so the forced isolation was a bit challenging. I felt trapped for a while until I realised that if I made it a choice - that we were choosing to stay home rather than we HAD to stay home - it could be so much nicer for my head. And it was. But we were excited to go out again. When I got on the road, I felt crowded by all the other traffic. We went to a mall to get a few supplies and I realised it was fairly quiet compared to usual, but it still felt like too many people there.
I want to connect with others. But I don't want crowds.
I want to live simply. But I don't want to live alone, or too far from others, or some of the conveniences of a town.
I want to be a part of a community in real life. I am greatly appreciating some online connections, but it would be nice to connect face-to-face too.
We went out again today. First we went to some yard sales. My favourite purchase was a carpet sweeper. Works well too and saves plugging in the vacuum. Plus, the kids think it's "fun"!!! I'm looking for a push mower. Most people I'm talking to about them say "oh they're too much hard work". Unbelievable. We've become a rather lazy society. I can't stand the smell of a petrol mower - or the noise. I want a push mower for a kinder effect on the earth and I think it would be a good workout. And my kids will probably think it's fun too!
Nicholas' favourite purchase today was a kids size Spiderman fold out foam couch. He has dragged that thing around with him everywhere in the house this afternoon. And now, he's sleeping on it.
After the yard sales, we went to a health food store that was having some raw food demos going on. I was excited to go and sample some goodies and meet some folk that I'd been chatting with online. We got there and there were lots of people in a small space. I didn't get to chat much because I got overwhelmed and my kids were also feeling that I think because they started fighting and Summer was saying 'but it's RAW food mum...we hate that". I explained that it's something that interests me and I have been looking forward to connecting with some new friends. It just wasn't the place to do that though so we left, though I felt the first niggling of frustration as the social interaction I'd been needing and looking forward to, didn't really happen. The kids did not like the gourmet foods, but they all loved the raw ice-cream.
Late in the arvo I made a big salad and sat down for the first time that day, to enjoy some quiet (the kids were busy) and eat. 30 seconds after I sat down, the boys both found me and "mum....question / comment....mum. question etc..mum...". I started getting a little agitated, but let it go and thought about something a beautiful friend sent me. Something about motherhood being about self-sacrifice and from that comes grace and from that comes true beauty or something like that. I gave the boys some attention and then they went off again. After that, lots of little things piled up on top of each other. The place was a mess, the kids had been fighting, there was washing to fold, dinner to get, etc...I had to let my frustrations out. Then I apologised and rearranged the furniture a bit. The energy just wasn't flowing the way things were and I think that was bothering me too. It feels sooooo much better now. The kids didn't want the vege sausages I cooked them for dinner. They usually love them. They wanted fruit (raw food!) instead. go figure!
So now my angels are sleeping. And tomorrow is a new day, and we're planning on making it a very happy one. Hope yours is too.