I was lying in the bath today after working out (I've been having a lot of long baths lately - I think I need that water immersion therapy, especially in this dry climate), and I had the thought "what if I'm not meant to have a little farm?" - What if my life just goes on and on changing from place to place? What if my life is more about adapting and letting go and then re-adapting and letting go again....?
When I was in my 20's, I had the idea of owning and running a spa with massage therapists etc. In my 30's that idea transformed into a retreat center on our own farm. Now I'm questioning that, as I question everything else. I'm thinking that 5 acres would be the biggest I would want and possibly, even smaller - just a basic house and a big vege garden and a few fruit trees might be all I want as I think about getting older and the realistic side of what I would want to take care of (besides the family and a few animals). Maybe if the place is right, I could have a little space to offer some classes in yoga and things like that, even if I rent it out for those purposes. Just rambling here. Looking for some kind of realistic vision after feeling like I've just let go of a whole lot.
Maybe I should start with the things that I know for sure...my priorities:
1. Being a mama and keeping the family together.
2. Living simply and fully while saving to buy a place in Australia.
3. When there, living near the beach.
4. Continue to pursue my interests in natural living along the journey.
I feel like I'm wide open at the moment, a little lost and swirling around in a void. I feel like I need to throw out an anchor in order to ground me and give me direction.
....thoughts a couple of hours after posting the above:
This current feeling is uncomfortable, so I looked into it for the deeper lesson. Sometimes you hear a cliche and it just doesn't mean anything, or you think 'yeah, that's real nice'.
Now I think I'm really understanding the saying that life is about 'the journey, not the destination'.
So, I can choose to feel swirling and lost, or I can be flying and free. Releasing any attachment to the specifics of my previous goals, and pulling back, seeing the larger picture, re-evaluating and seeing how things need to change.