Monday, September 21, 2009

Back to calm..

I've been feeling so calm for weeks. Whenever I felt myself getting out of alignment, I was aware and able to get back on course almost right away. I felt so full, so in love with my life and my family.

Then something happened that made me very sad and confused. I can't go into details here. While I was trying to process that, I didn't realise that the old ego was worming it's way into work by bringing to mind things that hadn't been bothering me at all and then making a big deal of them. Suddenly I was feeling irritable and a little bothered that I couldn't get a moment to myself. Nicholas' constant chatter seemed very loud. AJ seemed to be on a mission to break a world record in annoying his sister who kept complaining to me and the cycle went round and round until I finally found myself snapping and acting in a way that I felt was just not very nice. I knew I needed to exercise, to get out and move the energy around. Summer has a cold and doesn't feel good. I can't leave her at home and it wouldn't be fair to drag her on a long hike. I cleaned the house and did some yardwork, but still there was a vague feeling of discontent within me, like an itch I couldn't quite reach.

As I attempted to find the real source of my bother, my kids became more wild which distracted me even more which made me even more bothered. Oh dear.

Yesterday we went to the creek. I was very pent up and needed to move. Nicholas got on a new blow-up dolphin ride-on pool toy and I pushed him on that while I walked across the netted swimming area - back and forth, gradually getting deeper and letting my body adjust to the cool water until I was too deep to walk and I pushed him while I swam. Then AJ joined us on a boogie board and we raced across several times, laughing and playing and releasing. It felt so great to get back to Me. We lay on the sand digging holes and tunnels and making sand castles, we swam some more, back and forth. Summer swam a bit, played on the sand and just enjoyed the healing sunshine.

I noticed a mother calling her child for him to get some more sunscreen on. He was about 3 yrs old and very busy playing in the sand. When he didn't come right away, his mother started shouting at him and he started running away. Then the father came after him, grabbed him and took him up to the mother. The child ran, the father got angry and ran and grabbed and took him up again and forced him to sit in a time out. When the child ran again, he was grabbed, hit, yelled at and again, forced to sit and be ignored. It made me very sad to watch. What had started as a matter of concern (applying sunscreen), became an issue of control ("you WILL listen / do as I say") and coercion. When then child attempted to have his side heard, realised it was not going to be and then demonstrated his will, he was punished.

I was sad for the little boy and could see his heart breaking a little bit and he sat, ignored, will broken for now. I tried to not be judgemental of the parents as I realised that when I got out of balance the day before, I had not been listening to my children very well either. I did not go to the extremes that the father had in this case, but I just wasn't very nice. Instead of wallowing in guilt, I increased my resolve to maintain my own calm. To be even more aware of my own Being and when things are throwing me off track and to give priority to staying balanced instead of putting it off. Because when I don't give me enough attention, it affects everyone and makes it harder for everyone to get back on track. When I am calm, the whole family has a harmony around us. Even disagreements with the kids are resolved quickly and respectfully. Even when things seem rough outside, I can manage to remember that we are ok, no matter what happens, and all is well.

This most recent even threw me as it was so unexpected and caused me to wonder about a lot of other things that I thought I knew well. But it's ok and I'm learning from it. I'm learning to appreciate more deeply the people in my life right now. And I'm learning to be grateful for all experiences that come into my life, even the ones I don't expect and that cause some pain. Because everything reminds me of the person I really am and the kind of person I plan on being in another 5 years, 5 months, or 5 minutes. And that is

Connected - to myself, to Spirit and to others;
Aware - of all the little and big things that bring joy into our lives and cause shifts in the harmony of our days;
Loving - out of love flows kindness and patience and respect and trust and joy and depth and everything good;
Me - authentic me, with my flaws and my greatness and my goals and my feelings and experiences and interpretations. And gentle acceptance of all of that.

Yep, that the person I am - CALM.

The more I can maintain that, the greater the ripple effect will be...

1 comment:

Six Arrows said...

I have been in those situations, too. It's interesting how we are given a situation to re-connect to ourselves. Almost that you have to thank those who allowed you to see what you don't want to be. Hello and love to all! I love the photo of Summer Sam, too. She is so beautiful.