Sunday, May 13, 2012

freedom, flexibility and adventure...

While we were on our trip, someone remarked to me "you're so flexible!".  I hadn't really thought about it but..Yes... yes I am. She was referring to my ability to adapt to change easily, to pack lightly and sleep anywhere. I used to wonder if it was because I have a lack of commitment to things.  Not as much with people, but I can lose interest in places and activities fairly easily.  I don't finish things.  I get overwhelmed.  I get fired up for something but if I don't have a good response, I just let it go.

Which is probably why the traveling life suits me so well!  A constant smorgasbord of experiences and people...always keeping it interesting...keeping me stimulated.

But is that really what it is?  I've been thinking about this a lot.... maybe it's also a safety thing. 

Safety in that it keeps me from getting too attached...and it decreases the possibility of loss or hurt or rejection.  I have experienced a LOT of that in my life and I want to limit that for the time I have left.  So I try and stay ahead of it...I leave before I get too close to someone, or too involved in some project.  When I start feeling overly sensitive to the things going on around me, then I start to feel the call of the road...time to move on.  A rolling stone, a gypsy, a free spirit.

So what if it is a self-preservation thing?  It's also an adventure thing.

Years ago, as an almost-14 year old girl, my father announced that we were moving from our beautiful home in Sydney, to the Central Coast (1.5 hours north).  I. was. devastated!  The boy I'd had a crush on since I was 8 had just moved into our street, I had a great group of friends at school, I felt safe and very confident in getting around by myself.  I had imagined the fun that my friends and I were going to have through our teen years, and I thought that one day, I would leave from that house with a wedding gown on.  Oh was all planned in my mind!  Maybe we could talk Dad out of that idea...out of the promotion that he had been offered.  Couldn't he see that staying in Sydney would be better for ME?!  no.  Through my anger and my tears, I realised that I was powerless and had no choice but to move.  I hated feeling powerless!  At my new school I ran with the "bad girls", I got into trouble...messy and awful and in hindsight totally stupid.  But I didn't care.  I was 14 and angry and I wanted everyone to know it!

Eventually, I came to realise that "this too, shall pass".  I realised that I wouldn't be powerless forever.  I was not far away from being able to drive and the feeling of Freedom that that thought gave me, was very empowering.  I decided to just make the most of the time I was there.  I played music.  Loud!  I made new friends, but I held back a little.  I went to the beach, I flirted, I worked part time, I did well in school until I realised that no one really cared about that so I slacked off.  I didn't want to be at home, so I went out whenever I could.  I experienced a lot of different people and places and realised that the move to that area, had given me the gift of a taste for adventure!  As soon as I had my drivers license, I went to all kinds of places by myself or with friends.  I found a very quiet beach in a national park that hardly anyone went to.  I would lay there, naked, feeling more free than I had ever felt in my life!   So at in touch with Spirit...and myself.  I went there every chance that I could.

I think that the move with my family when I was a teenager put me on a fast-track for growth that may have taken me years to achieve if I had stayed in Sydney.  Maybe it made me a totally different person.  Maybe I wouldn't have been so restless if I had never left Sydney, but I also wouldn't have been as brave.

Who says that not sticking with something is a bad thing?  Maybe I just realise quickly when something is just not in alignment with that time.   That has happened, but I've had a taste, and come back for more later, at another time which felt more right.  It doesn't matter.  I am sick of judging myself and thinking that I "should" do things.  There are enough other people doing that in regard to my life and their own.  I choose to be gentle with myself.  I choose to give as much of myself to a person or a situation without apologising....with the possibility of being hurt, or having it not work, because every single thing that I do, is an opportunity for me to be Authentic.  Whether that is giving everything I have, or backing off for a's Me.   And seeing myself as whole -  I have a better view....

I am a diamond....many different sides and together, they make me shine ever so brightly!

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