Wednesday, February 03, 2016

Learning to Relax...

Hello again!

Things that I've been doing....

Cary has been using the computer a lot in the past few months, so I stopped doing youtube videos, to free up the computer for him.  I had enjoyed doing those, but they did take up some time.

After returning home from the family reunion, I focused on upcoming events...Thanksgiving, Cary's birthday, Sami's 18th birthday (!!), family visiting, Christmas, New Years.  It was the least stressed I've been at that time of the year, for a long time.  I just wanted to enjoy each part of the process.  So I did!

Sami turning 18 was a big event!  We didn't have a big party, but some family came to visit.  It was more that fact that she was no longer a child.  Legally, she is an adult!  I wondered...have I done enough to prepare her for that step?  What could I have done differently?  I'm so excited for her and we had a lovely celebration.  She is not in any hurry to leave home and life is pretty much the same here.

Since the beginning of the year, I've been hibernating a bit.  Swimming, watching movies, playing games, reading, along with the usual housework and cooking.  It's been really nice!  I realised that I had been keeping myself so busy, and distracted.  As soon as I'd get up in the morning, I'd get dressed and go for a big walk or jump on the rebounder.  The day was busy, busy after that.  After Christmas, an annoying skin condition I've had, came back in full force.  It's mostly on my scalp and, after trying many different treatments, both internally and externally,  I'm at the point where I am seriously considering shaving my hair off as every single shampoo bothers me.  I've even tried baking soda, apple cider vinegar, salt, and not washing it at all.   Nothing seemed to have helped!  I've already chopped at least 5" off my hair, and before I shave it all off, I thought I'd try something else.   I started thinking that this condition may be caused partly by stress, even though I didn't feel "stressed" as much as I have in the past.  Just as an experiment,  I started doing less.  I started sleeping in, I stopped pushing myself to exercise though I still swim and walk and bounce and do's just more gentle.  And only if I feel like it.  The condition seems to be calming down a little as I allow my body, mind and spirit to release hidden tension and become more peaceful.  I also say "no" much more often and I don't feel as though I 'have to' accept every invitation or request.

Another thing that I've done is to rethink social media and its role in my life.  The thing that I have found in myself, regarding social media, is how I lose myself in amongst it.  I start to judge myself, feel less than others, feel as though I'm not enough...not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not funny enough.  I get scrolling and I see how interesting other people's lives are.  I know that I have a great life and I am very blessed.   But too much time on social media has me doubting that and just spending way too much time living in a fantasy land.  So I took all social media distractions off of my phone, with the exception of Facebook messenger.  I only check Facebook every couple of days or so when I get on the main computer, and then it's just a quick scroll through.  I removed myself from most groups that I had been on, turned off notifications, and stopped following people and pages that just didn't inspire me in some way.  My newsfeed now is filled with posts from family and dear friends, inspiring meme's and some local homeschool information.  It feels more 'real' to me now.

With the easy availability of checking social media apps and playing games on my phone, (I justified the games in that they were "educational" because they were all about words or numbers or logic), I realised that I was just distracting myself.  Yeah, a little play time is good for everyone, but it I wasn't living as deeply as I wanted to.  I was losing connection with myself.  Removing those apps has been such a good thing!

Sometimes I sit and I reach for my phone to play on.  What a habit that had become!  There is a slight uncomfortable feeling as I figure out what else to do with myself.  Hmm, what did I used to do before phone play?  It wasn't that long ago.  This probably sounds like I had an addiction.  What I mean though, is that, in the little bits of free time that I was getting, the phone was usually my first option.

It's interesting that, by removing that option, I am feeling more productive, and like I have lots more free time!

As I was reading and searching, and trying to figure out my restlessness...that niggly feeling like I'm supposed to be doing something else...more...different.  I was getting a little frustrated that I couldn't quite "get it"....whatever "it" was / is.  Then I saw this...and it spoke to me:

So that's what I'm doing now... relaxing.  Being Patient.  Trusting that this is all unfolding as it should.  I feel the voice encouraging me to go deeper.  I'm listening..

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