I'm not always sweetness and sparkles. I don't think it's realistic to be optimistic 100% of the time. I will say though, that my down days are much further apart than they used to be, and they are much shorter in duration.
I thought I was quite fine recently, but Cary sensed that I had an underlying unhappiness, in the way that some people can feel an earthquake coming. Once he brought it to my attention, it was like it then gave me permission to stop pretending, and look at what was really going on behind the smile.
I tiptoed towards the edge of the fog and retreated. Again, I went ahead....dare I brave putting a toe in there? What might happen? What would I discover that I didn't really want to face? I retreated, but the fog bubbled and curled closer to me.
We continued the dance through sleepless nights and blurry days. Keeping myself ridiculously busy so that I just didn't have time to explore the grey feeling.
But it kept growing, and getting louder. Until a friend asked me "If you could have / do / be any three things just for you (not the family or the rest of the world), what would those three things be?"
What a great question!
Why was it so hard to answer it?
My first thought was that of travelling to tropical islands. Snorkelling, lazing in the sunshine, feasting on fruit.
My second thought was that I just wanted to get on a big black motorcycle, and ride away. Just me and the road. Riding for days and days....
I don't have a motorcycle and I don't know how to ride one. But that fantasy has been playing in my mind lately. Speaking it aloud to my friend, I saw it as a sign that I am needing to regain my personal power, and a bit more time for myself. Hmmm.
I could not come up with a third thing that I really wanted to have / do / be. Again, a sign that I really need some reflection on what the heck I am doing with my life!
Stewing on all of that, I started to feel the fog pushing me, shaking me, grabbing me. I fought back. I swore. A lot. I wrote several pages on everything I disliked about my life right at that moment. And then I cried. Hard. I didn't have any answers, but somehow it just helped to release it all. Cary listened but didn't try to fix anything.
I had to go out and I got chatting to a couple of ladies that I knew, but I didn't know all that well. The conversation quickly went beyond the fluff, to a deep and meaningful spiritual connection. I have so much gratitude for these friends! (For all of my friends actually. Every single one along the way has been perfectly placed in my life.)
I was so humbled by the timing of that particular conversation. It totally helped me to remember my real path, and I wouldn't have been able to do if I hadn't faced the fog earlier.
Somehow, I just feel that everything is going to be just fine! I don't have an exact map of how it's going to be fine. I am just back in touch with Trusting that it will be. Of course I know that I don't just sit back and watch it happen. I know that I need to do the leg work (and the mind work, etc). I just feel at Peace that the right path will be shown to me.