Monday, October 31, 2005


We've been staying close to home lately. Last Friday we were supposed to go to a LifeLearners event, but I wasn't up to the possibly long drive home with Nicholas fussing. I thought we were supposed to get together with another friend in the morning, but that's next week. So we ended up staying home and cleaning the turtle in the morning. After lunch, Sami and AJ started painting and playing in the backyard. A little later we went out and rented a couple of movies. We ran into a friend we hadn't seen for a while which was so great. Everything works out the way it is supposed to!

Sami's enzymes and bacteria arrived on Friday and she started them straight away. I wonder how long it will take to notice any changes.

Yesterday we hit a couple of yard sales in the morning and the kids and I had a lot of fun there. In the afternoon they watched a movie and played 'Go Fish' with some english/spanish cards. They seemed kind of pent-up, so after dinner, I took all 3 kids for a walk to the park. It was getting dark and a little chilly so we didn't stay too long. Everyone was asleep by 9pm so I stayed up by myself and watched a movie. What a rare treat! A whole movie, uninterrupted!

I've been thinking about Touch lately. Being so kinesthetic, I've always understood people and things better through touch. As a child I was very affectionate and loved to hug and hold hands with everyone I liked. As I got older and still enjoyed doing this, kids at school would make fun of me and call me things that I didn't understand, but knew were not very nice. So I became more introverted, afraid to reach out to others (physically and therefore on other levels as well). I started dating just after I turned 14 (without my parents knowledge). I enjoyed the high amounts of touch I was able to explore and years of being pent up exploded though in ways I wasn't emotionally ready for.

When I was 18 I started studying massage therapy. I loved that and wish that I had kept going with it then. Over the years I've earned several massage certificates, but not enough to legally work in that trade. In the couple of years before Sami was born, I had two jobs - one as a Personal Fitness Trainer & Aerobics Instructor, the other as a Reiki Practitioner. One dealing with the physical, one dealing with the spiritual. It was great being able to balance them. One thing I didn't expect: when I did the PT certification, we were warned not to touch our clients. Fear of lawsuits, fear of encouraging inappropriate return touching. Argh! This society needs more human contact! People are so starved for human touch. No wonder the sex industry is so huge. Anyway, working as a PFT I used minimal touch when I though it was necessary to help the client focus on where they were supposed to be feeling an exercise.

This morning, Cary took AJ out for breakfast and Sami and I had some "girly" time. I made her french toast for breakfast then gave her a massage & Reiki while Nicholas napped. After that, she went out to the motorhome and hung out in her nook - the bed above the cab that has become a special place to her. It's been a vampire den, a spiders hole (a little halloween influence there!), a cave, a castle and I'm sure other things as well. She seemed so calm after spending some special time with me and some quiet time alone. Perhaps that's what she needs more of.

I love my husband! Deep down he is a free spirit. He gets so caught up in trying to make a better life for us all and he works so hard. I wish he had more play time. I love that we touch a lot. Gee I am so lucky!

Friday, October 28, 2005


So many people assume that they know what is going on in another persons life. They assume that other people don't know or don't care to know about things that they are interested in. Maybe so. But what does it matter? I'm sure the second person knows and cares about things the first person doesn't. And isn't that what makes life interesting? We all have different strengths. We are all on different places on our journey.

I think that everyone is trying to make a better life for themselves in the best way that they know how to.

I think that attacking others is a sign of ones own insecurity. But of course, that's a judgment on my behalf. I ask that instead of attacking, we try to understand others. Take a moment to think "gee, I wonder what makes them like that?". Instead of being so quick to assume, put aside judgment to learn and possibly grow.

I am so sick of negativity. How is this world going to evolve if we keep bringing it down with our personal thoughts? I saw a young teenage girl out shopping recently and her t-shirt read "you are a fine example to idiots everywhere". I know some people think that's really funny. But I just thought it was sad. How can society become a more peaceful, loving place when we don't support and encourage each other?

I'm all for creating a better world. Stop complaining about the lack of respect and manners and be an example of those things. Others will learn from you. As Ghandi said: "Be the change you want to see in the world"


I feel like my lifelong quest has been that of Peace. Oh I have found it - many times - but I keep losing it. I need to know how to keep it as a part of me. I know I can tap into it any time I want to, and I know what I need to do to keep it as a major part of me. But I keep forgetting to do those things. I guess I take them for granted or I get interrupted one too many times and get out of the habit. Doing daily yoga and Reiki are a part of the puzzle, as are eating simply, communing with Nature, keeping warm and a few other things. Doing these things helps me feel so much more loving and peaceful and in balance.

After my first Reiki attunement, I was introduced to my main Spirit Guide. At first his name came through just as 'P'. After spending quite a bit of time with him, I soon realised that his name is Peace. I laughed with delight that Peace is my guide.

When I was a young girl going to Catholic school, I used to enjoy hearing stories of the Saints. My favourite was that of St. Francis and I still have a copy of his Peace Prayer that I was given when I left that school.

I have a secret fantasy about spending a week at a quiet meditation retreat where no one speaks. It would be so refreshing to let my mind be free of constantly translating the spoken word. Just for a little while.

So many messages come to me about Peace. I think I'm supposed to be doing more about it. Life just gets too busy with other daily things that I tend to forget or put aside the most important things.

I don't wish to be free of the storm, but calm within the storm.

Thursday, October 27, 2005


We ended up staying home on Tuesday. Except for a trip to the library in the afternoon when the kids got as many books as they could carry in their book bags.

The weather yesterday was beautiful and we met our LifeLearners group at the park and had a lovely time. We all enjoyed the companionship and conversation with our friends. It "only" took us 1.5 hours to get home as we "only" had to stop 3 times for Nicholas. Actually, it would have been more but there was one time when I just could not pull over anywhere.

When we did eventually make it home, we were excited to see the new motorhome that Cary has bought for us. It's sweet! Much smaller than the other big monster we had but never got to use before it was sold. But this is perfect for little trips and it will be great to get it packed and ready to go at a moments notice. Man I love to travel, well, when I have children that don't mind being in the car that is. We've nicknamed the motorhome "turtle" and will take it out somewhere locally for a test drive this weekend.

I've been spending a little time playing with the colours on this blog and the template by playing with the html codes. It's still not quite right, but I just don't have the time to do all the tutorials. But it has been interesting to learn how to do something different.

I was recently thinking about how much I've changed in the past 20 or so years. I used to be so very sensitive and always think that I was the one with the problem. Guess what? I am perfectly fine just the way I am! I don't have to do what any book or 'expert' tells me because I am the only expert on MY life.

Does everyone think that they are so different to everyone else? I always did. I often felt like I use a foreign language. My primary mode of understanding is kinesthetic - even my 'thinking' is done in feeling. I feel as though I have to translate spoken words into a 3 (or 4) dimensional feeling/s to understand it, and then translate my response back out. Cary has gotten used to my delayed responses in conversations. But in a group setting, I often feel like I'm a step behind and by the time I'm ready to add something, the subject has changed. Words often seem inadequate for what I am feeling and sometimes the words just don't flow out but kind of trip over themselves (which used to make me feel like people would think I was stupid, but now I'm much more gentle with myself). I find it much easier to write than talk about something as the link between my brain and my hands seems much more natural than the link between my brain and my mouth for self expression. I used to dream of writing a book and being a famous author. Then I heard Marianne Williamson say "The reason that so many people dream of being famous is because they are not yet starring in their own lives." I thought about that over the years. I claimed my place and my power in my life and I no longer dream of writing a book. I dream of adventures and exploring different places.

Up until recently, I thought that I was no good at art because I can't draw regular 'things'. You know what though...I really don't want to. I love to do watercolours with my kids and just do swirls and splashes and watch the colours run. It doesn't have to be any more than that. My self-expression is satisfied as that kind of thing more acurately represents how I think - beyond physical 'things'.

Gotta go..Sami and Nic are awake and ready to go for our morning walk.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

I hate goodbyes

I had to say goodbye to a good friend yesterday. She and her family are moving back east. I am happy that they are getting out of here and going to where they want to be. But damn, I suddenly feel rather lonely. Another good friend recently went through some major changes in her life. Even though she is still in the area, her life situation is so different now as she had to go back to work and put her oldest son in school. So it's just not the same as it used to be.

I've said so many goodbyes in my life. Gotta say, it doesn't get easier. Ok...looking for the fully, love deeply and laugh just can't get attached to anything so you just need to appreciate it and enjoy it while you have it. Ok, lesson learned, but it doesn't help the ache I feel inside right now.

It started out to be a beautiful day and now a storm is brewing. Kind of matches my mood. I just feel like staying home and watching movies and making vegetable soup. But we are supposed to get together with our Life Learners group at a park. Hmm. Still a bit of time before we're supposed to go.

A couple of days ago I went walking with all 3 kids early in the morning. AJ discovered that if he looked at the rising sun, gritted his teeth together, and shook his head from side to side really quickly, that he could make a rainbow in his eyes. Actually I think he was seeing more red than any other colour but he was funny about it and kept doing it. That was how Sunday morning started and after Cary had made waffles for himself, Sami and AJ, we all went out into the yard to tidy up a bit. AJ wasn't really in the mood so he went back inside to do computer games. I got a short nap in with Nic. Sami and Cary kept tidying and raking the yard until a neighbour was passing and offered to take Sami and AJ to the park with her kids. They lept at the chance and while they were gone, Cary and I worked on getting the firetruck into the backyard. We had to put wood behind the back wheels to help it up the incline so the back overhang didn't scrape.

Ooo...thunder and rain...perhaps we won't be going to the park after all.

Sunday, October 23, 2005


I started the previous post yesterday but finished it this morning at 6:34am. It looks like it was posted yesterday afternoon. I'm still figuring out how this blogging thing works. Anyway, it IS going to be a wonderful day!

What do I do well?

I have been getting so much spam email lately, grrrr! I have much better things to do with my time than delete those. It's just annoying and invasive.

I've been thinking about what I do really well. Well, I don't know. I do a lot of things ok but I can't think of anything I'm excellent at. Judging by Sami's recent behaviour, I'm not even a good Mother. Which is something I've wanted to do my entire life.

I've done a lot of things in my life. I've pursued many dreams and lived them. I've set goals and made them happen. I've climbed mountains and overcome fears (literally). Maybe being somewhat of a loner most of my life has given me this inner strength to live my own life. Maybe that's what I do well - live MY life.

So what do I still want to do? I do love being a Mama, even though it's the hardest thing I've ever done, it's also the most wonderful. I want to travel more. My long-term goal is to own and operate a holistic health retreat on the east coast of Australia. This vision has been coming to me since I was in my mid-20's. "Free Spirit Retreat" has been it's name for the last couple of years. Before that I just referred to it as "the natural health retreat thingy in my head". The vision gets clearer but the time is not right yet. Maybe not for another 10 years. We have to make a boatload of money first to bring it together. And the kids need to be older. And I need to research the energy-efficient, environmentally-friendly buildings etc that will be on the large property. I get so excited thinking about it and I could type here for an hour with some of the ideas I have for it. But I know that the kids will be up soon and Sami will start with her usual "what are we going to do today?"

We have some ideas of how to make a lot more money, but I really need that maid and chef so I have time to work towards that. They could be fun as well as profitable. I've thought about teaching fitness again too. But the money wouldn't be great, it would be more just because I enjoy it. Not the fast-paced aerobic classes anymore though, but a more gentle stretch-and-tone / tai chi / yoga type class. But I really have to get myself back into shape first. And I'm getting there. Not as fast as I would like, but I'm being gentle with myself and it is happening.

It's going to be a wonderful day!

Games people play

We were recently introduced to the card game 'Blink'. The whole family enjoys it and it's something that Cary usually wins at. Mind you, I do go a little slow for AJ's sake and to make sure that the kids are playing it right. Cary isn't into too many games but I love them. I have great memories of playing games when I was growing up, but Cary does not. I added a few more to our collection yesterday when we were at a large rummage sale. I got Cranium, Scattegories (love that game, just don't have any one who can or will play it with me), and Battleship - for a total of $4. Love those sales!

Sami's been in a bad funk lately. She used to be so sweet and easy-going. She has been saying lately that her friends leave her out of their play. The kids she plays with are really great kids and I don't see happening for the most part, maybe sometimes (I doubt intentionally) but it obviously hurts her when it does happen. Oh God that brings back memories! I always felt like I didn't quite fit. But I didn't really want to play some of the games, I just wanted to be accepted for who I was. I became an observer and would often just watch and listen, too insecure to open my mouth in case I said something stupid that the others would make fun of. As I got older I found that drinking and drugs gave me false security and I became much more outgoing. As I got wiser, I gave up that crutch and decided to grow up.

When I was a kid, I was able to escape into nature. I was free to roam through the bush, play at the creek, and just be me. My brother and I spent so many free moments just walking or building cubby houses. Where do my kids go to escape? - the TV. But that's not really escaping, it doesn't let their imagination roam free as it's bombarded with someone else's imagination.

We recently got a trampoline for the kids. It was great at first. Now they won't go on it unless they have a friend over or if I go on with them. If only we had a maid and a personal chef and a baby that would sleep more during the day, I would be able to play more. I am grateful that Nicholas sleeps well at night. What a difference that makes! Having a baby at any age can be challenging at times if you just don't get enough sleep, water and good nutrition. He has always slept well at night, which means that I have too. I was a bit of a zombie for a while after Sami and AJ were born.

I feeeel good...

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

One of those days...

According to Sami, I am "dumb, stupid and ugly".. and she doesn't like me. Deep breath.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

A few days

Two days ago (Sunday) Cary and I both felt inspired to get stuff done around here. Cary chopped down a dead bush out the front, vacuumed my van and the Range Rover he's driving at the moment, clipped a few overhanging trees and worked on various vehicles he has for sale that are currently at the house. I changed the paint on a dresser that we'd purchased for AJ at a yard sale the day before. The dresser had been too big to fit into my van, so Cary took the full-size school bus there and put it in the back of that! Then he took the bus down to his lot. The kids have had it in the backyard for months now and weren't playing with it much anymore. Besides, we needed to make room for the firetruck! Yep, a 1975 America LaFrance ladder truck. Cary took the kids in it up to the local burger place for lunch on Sunday! They loved it. We took a couple of walks and the kids played with the kids 2 doors down, running between their place and ours.

Yesterday we went to see a Chiropractic Kinesiologist. Nice guy. He looked at Cary and Sami and I think he helped Cary's hip problem, for now anyway. He seems to think that Sami is lacking the digestive enzyme amylase which means that she does not digest carbohydrates properly therefore she keeps craving them. The reason she gets so cranky sometimes is that her brain is somewhat starved for the fuel from the carbs. He's ordered some digestive enzymes for her which hopefully will be here soon! He wants her to take them and some of the friendly bacteria to assist in better digestion.

After that appointment, we all went to Wild Oats for lunch and a few grocery items. Cary showed the Range Rover and it looks like it might be sold. Cary took Sami home and he took a nap. I was driving my van with my two boys. We stopped at the library on the way home and got some Halloween books and a few videos. An easy dinner followed later, then an amazing thunderstorm. The kids were running around the house squealing with delight and a little fear of the thunder. Then we huddled together on some cushions and read the new library books. Sami went to bed early, but AJ stayed up for another hour and did jigsaw puzzles. He 'sees' the picture differently than Cary and I. We tend to put the border in first then fill it in rather randomly. AJ looks at the shape of the piece to see where it will fit. Nicholas actually did really well with all the driving during the day. Probably because he didn't sleep much on Sunday and he was catching up and just hanging out being mellow. I love my kids!

Sunday, October 16, 2005


One of the biggest lessons for me in this life has been all about Trust.

This requires Faith in a greater force directing this earthy play. Trusting that God's plan is not always the same as my plan. But that it's happening the way it is meant to, even though the reasons sometimes do not become obvious for many years.

"This too, shall pass" has been my mantra since I was a teenager. I used this during challenging times in my life. But it's true all the time and it teaches me about gratitude for all moments and reminds me to enjoy more of them without dwelling on past moments or worrying about moments to come. "Be here now" is another favourite mantra that reminds me to be fully present right here, right now. Whether it's happy, challenging or just a blah moment, they all have something of value.

I Am, always learning.

Always Learning

I never really liked the term "homeschooling" as it implies that we do school at home. Actually we don't "do school" at all. The "unschooling" term accurately implies that, but I think it also implies that we don't do anything. I so much prefer the term "life learning" or just acknowledging the fact that we all are Always Learning. By doing so, we discuss things that others may take for granted or just ignore. We observe and interact with things differently. Everyday outings give us lessons in subjects too varied to be limited to one subject in a 45 minute period. My kids are learning real lessons in the real world. They are not shut away for 12 years to become prepared to live in the real world - they do it every day. So they are learning things in a different way to the 'school' way. Sami is learning to read from reading things that interest her - movie titles, comic books, books about princesses, food labels, etc. AJ is often doing math in his head as he says aloud "3 plus 3 is, um..6". It's like a game to him. We play lots of games. We don't look at the 'educational' value but whether we enjoy them. It's not like I say "ok, who wants to play Monopoly because we need to get some math in today?". It's more like "we played Monopoly today...and had a great time".

We have some "schooly" things here like workbooks, flashcards and other manipulatives. They are just there if the kids choose to use them, in whatever way they wish, whenever they wish. Just like the other things at their disposal like pens, pencils, paper, blocks, dolls, cars, etc.

Besides the actual 'stuff' that they are learning, they are always learning the deeper lessons of human dynamics. And they are teaching me so much too. I'm learning more about unconditional love, patience, gratitude, service and multi-tasking!

Right now Sami is really testing my levels of patience. She gets so angry at the slightest thing and can be just plain nasty to AJ. What is she reflecting? What does she need? What is causing the imbalance in her body chemistry?

AJ is so sweet and gentle to Nicholas and I and others. But with Sami, he seems to enjoy aggravating her.

Nicholas looks at me with such wise eyes as if to ask why this world isn't more peaceful and gentle. He is that. He's also so joyful and can see the humour in a funny sound or the look on someone's face.

When I was younger, I thought that when I left school, I would have all the knowledge that I would need in life. I have learnt more since I left school than I ever did while I was there.

Life is good!

Friday, October 14, 2005

A brand new day!

A new day is here, filled with endless possibilities for joy, love, laughter, creativity, connection.... let me go and explore it!