Saturday, November 17, 2007

always growing

There's been an undercurrent occurring in my life that I have been denying.

I was stuck here for some time in a mental pattern I found challenging. I was stuck in a very judgemental process creating a downward spiral. The judgement was focused on my own surroundings. I lost the joy of what we are doing and starting listening to what others were saying. The tone of their voices as they felt sorry for me for living in this old camper in cramped conditions with the whole family. On top of that, selling the nice car we had recently and driving the smaller car that was also more cramped and has the headliner falling down and a temperamental cassette player. And of course, dealing with it all through the rain. "oh you poor thing." was something that I heard over and over and over. I started believing it.

I would try and talk to people about the positives but I could tell they were kind of shocked or thought we were in financial trouble or thought there was no way in heck they would be doing what we're doing. I reminded myself about why we're doing this but then I started seeing things through their pity. Instead of freedom and adventure, I was seeing insecurity. Instead of joy, I saw doubt. Instead of fun with my children I started feeling resentment that I wasn't getting any time for me. All because I listened to other people who just don't get it.
It helps now that Cary is back and we can support each other on this path.

I knew there was a spiritual lesson in all of this. At least one.

To start with, I thought about the physical image of our home and car.
I came to see that it's not the external image we project but the internal image we hold and allow ourselves to see. I needed to remind myself that I am a good person and have respect for myself and the things I have. To feel grateful for what I have. I decided that when I could get comfortable with that - truly and deeply - then abundance will manifest in my life. I think I had bought into other people opinions that we were poor and so I started living with a lack mentality. I can now see the beauty around me, the space, the freedom, the flexibility, the adventure.

I started taking some time for me, to recharge. It's important and I need to let my family see that I respect myself enough to do this. Doing this helps me remember my path, my reasons for doing this and helps me stay strong in my decisions and joyful during my day.

I finally was ready to read 'Conversations with God' by Neale Donald Walsch. I've known about the books for years, and even seen the movie, but I'd never read a book. The other day at the library, Book one said to me "it's time to read me now". The first 5 pages were enough to realise that I hadn't been letting go and letting God do enough in my life. I felt joyful and lighter immediately.

And so, I am letting go of OPO (other people's opinion's) that I had absorbed. I am working on my own spiritual energy - protecting, grounding, expanding.
I'm feeling excited again.
It's all good.

1 comment:

patrick said...

watched Conversations with God recently, i appreciate the point that Neale Donald Walsch makes about having freedom to admit that he's not perfect so he can move on from where he is at that point.