I just found this post that I wrote three months ago, in my drafts...time to post it...
I've been a mama for almost 18 years. I remember being a little girl, hugging my dolly and longing for the day that I would be a mother. I didn't want to rush it though... I felt a bit restless as a teen and thought that I needed to experience more of life in order to find myself. I was insecure, immature, and I didn't always like myself very much...so how could I every really like / love others? I made mistakes. So I moved around, kept busy, explored, but I kept going...if I was too still or quiet, then the real me would start to remind me of the things that I had done that I didn't like, that I couldn't change, so I just kept going and filling in the time. Who I was at any moment, and my short-term plans were about as far as my thoughts would go. Looking back was often just too sad, looking too deep within was tempting, but a little confronting.
I love being a parent...it's the absolute best, and the hardest thing I've ever done. I adore my kids and have tried to provide a healthy balance of life for them. It's also been a wonderful way to stay mostly in the moment, or considering our short-term plans. I didn't have to think too much about who I really was. I was a mama, and I was living my life around my kids, and that was my joy and my choice.
I went away a few days ago...by myself! I left early on Sunday morning and I came back on Monday evening. I flew to Sydney to go to a family reunion and I am so very glad that I did! But I had thought about not going. The thought of being by myself, with no extra people to be responsible for, was a little out of my comfort zone. Or maybe more that it was out of my familiar zone. I was nervous about going. My extended family already knows that I'm a bit alternative, but would I feel like I belonged there? Would extended family that I haven't seen for a while, accept me, and would I still feel like I was a valid part of the family? I aim to not judge others for the way that they live their lives, and I hope that I attract the same energy.
Before the trip, I had worked myself into a little tizz...trying to get my family here organised, trying to get myself organised, concerned about how Nicholas, my little anxiety-prone son, would cope without me. As it turned out, it wasn't easy for him, but he did manage.
In reconnecting with my family and friends, I felt my heart crack open. Parts of the past that I had hidden, or judged, or tried to ignore. Parts of me that want to be acknowledged and integrated into who I am now came to light. I need to take some time to really find me again. To find out how to feel whole with who I was and who I am and what I really, really want to give and receive from life and love. Do I need to find Peace in what was, forgive myself, and surrender into what is now?
I feel that it's time I gave me some more time... there are parts of me that I need to look at. I need to go deeper into certain feelings and explore who I really am. Midlife crisis? Hormonal changes? Or just overdue?