Bah Humbug!

I am so done with the Spirit of Christmas that I want to ram the tree up the chimney! This is no fun for me. After two birthdays in the family this month, I am not up for another big to-do. Argh! How to do it more simply next year?

Stuff

What is it about stuff? So much stuff. Give me more stuff so I can save more time to play with my other stuff. Look at the stuff in the catalogs - everything's getting smaller (CD/DVD players, computers, telephones, etc) and are multi tasking so that you have more room to put more stuff. And everyone has their own stuff (personal DVD players, etc) so that you don't have to talk to each other or share your stuff.

Crazy world!

Me Mum

It is sooo great having my Mum here! Gosh I'll miss her when she's gone, but for now I'm trying to make the most of all moments. It's a bit challenging as it's such a crazy month. Cary just had his birthday, Sami's is coming up, there's packages to mail, cards to write, etc etc. I want to hang out with Mum and take her places and show her around. But it's nice just hanging out at home too. She's been doing lots of crafty things with the kids and helping with Nicholas. He's almost 6 months old and he's been kind of grizzly lately. Partly from teething and all of the craziness happening lately. He's been really interested in grabbing my food and this morning I spoon fed him a little of my morning smoothie - water, oranges, banana and lettuce mix all blended together in the vitamix. He loved it!

Recently we went to a friend's house and did gingerbread houses with graham crackers. It took Sami and AJ two days to come down from the sugar high and they didn't seem to be eating that much candy. They were just feral for two days afterwards. Yikes! I will seriously rethink going to anything like that again. For my own sanity and their harmony as well.

My own Mum has been mothering me and it is so comforting and wonderful. I'm realising that I need to mother myself and allow myself free time without feeling guilty.

Breathe deep...seek peace.

Home is.. Where?

My Dad and Stepmum are moving in about two weeks time. They are leaving their tropical sanctuary on an adventure to wherever they end up. I am excited for them, yet I am also deeply sad. They had lived there for about 20 years - half of my life! Their home has been the place I thought of most when I would think about Australia. Ahhh...the tropics...the place where I feel so vibrant! I love the warmth and the humidity and the lush green rainforests. I often visited their place for some R&R and found the peace of their property so soothing. After leaving Australia, I would mentally visit there and remember that peace. The crystal clear waterfall down the road from their place, the beautiful flowers everywhere, even all the bugs and toads and LIFE! So very different from living in the desert.

With the departure of my Dad and Stepmum from that area, I feel a shift inside. Things in Australia are so different now. The one thing I thought I could rely on to stay the same (them at their house in Beauvalley), is no longer. People are different, places are different and I am different. I treasure the memories of the Australia I knew. But I don't feel the strong pull to go back there like I used to. If anything happened to Cary, then I would. I can see us living in another country, surrounded by tropical beauty, but not Australia at this stage.

Even though we've lived in Southern Nevada for over 7 years, it doesn't feel like home and it never has. It's a stepping stone on the road home.

My Mum is coming over! She should be here in 3 hours! I'm a bundle of twisted emotions - excited, nervous, happy, worried. We had some rough times when I was a teenager, but became close as I finally matured. She still manages to touch some nerves though. Her health has not been good this year and I am hoping that this trip will give her some time to relax and just enjoy.

Food

I'm a little puzzled that my post partum weight loss seems to have stopped. Previously, with nursing, I could eat a ton of food and still have the weight fall off me. Now I'm stuck 15lbs over where I want to be. Ok, so I started out Nic's pg 10lbs over my usual weight due to an emotional trip to Australia. But come on...or come off I should say! I walk 30-60minutes most mornings in addition to feeling busy all day. I've been eating well. So why isn't it working?

What has been the best way of eating for me in the past? Simple, low-fat, vegan food, with a high percentage of fresh fruits and veges. Following the 'Fit for Life' Natural Hygiene plan worked well for several years, though I was probably a bit too disciplined with it at times by denying myself food. Eating only raw foods also worked for me but it consumed me mentally. I'm not going to try to follow any particular plan. I'll use a combination of Natural Hygiene, Ayurveda and intuition to create my own thing which will be enjoyable, simple, low-fat, mostly vegan with a high % of fresh produce.

I need to add in more yoga as well as the walking. The yoga will help to strengthen and stretch my muscles. Maybe some pilates as well. I don't feel like going back to weight training. I loved it in the past. But I need more gentle things now. Yoga and pilates can do the job.

My focus needs to be on health, not weight. In letting go of that issue, perhaps I can let go of the pounds too. Cary certainly isn't upset by the way I look. He's more attracted to me now than ever. I recently was talking about a picture of an angelic goddess and he told me that I should look in the mirror to see that. Awwww - what a sweetheart!

Revelation

I may not be so different after all! I've just scratched the surface of a couple of things: being a Highly Sensitive Person (I scored 25 out of 27 in the online quiz); and, Sensory Integration Dysfunction (I need to look into this more). I went looking for things that might help me with Sami as the enzymes and probiotics don't seem to be doing a thing. One thing led to another and, in my search to help Sami, I may be able to help myself too. Not that I thought anything was 'wrong' with me, but there were times when I felt isolated with the way I felt. Perhaps I will learn tips to help. Actually, I think I know the things that will help, it's just that I don't give myself the permission to do those things. Such as take time for myself, take a nap during the day, relax more, recognise my own needs for water, food, space - and know that it's perfectly ok.

Sami seems more intense lately. Cary is finally understanding what I've been talking about for so long. I think she falls more into the Out-of-Sync category (sensory intergration dysfunction) from what I've read so far and some of that applies to me too.

Nicholas just turned 5 months old and has two teeth. He is rolling over a lot more today. Everytime I put him down, he rolls over onto his belly. Like he finally figured it out and is excited to be doing something different.

We went to some yard sales this morning. AJ is very happy with his purchase - a very pink Barbie motorhome. Sami got some little Polly Pocket houses. I got some little curtains that might work in our motorhome and a sweet porcelain christmas doll that moves and plays music.

Strange Saturday

I felt incredibly calm yesterday. I took the kids to a couple of yard sales in the morning. AJ was having a very challenging moment when we got to the first one and was screaming and carrying on very loudly and dramatically. I know other people there were looking at us, but I put a bubble around us and let their stares and opinions bounce off it, so they didn't get to me at all. I was very calm with AJ, I acknowledged what he was feeling, told him gently that he may not spit on me and helped him figure out a solution. He was frustrated with something that he thought Sami had done intentionally (drop something of his in the van and he couldn't find it) but she had accidentally bumped him or it. Once the item was found, and he and Sami told each other what they thought had happened, he was calm again and it was all forgotten.

We found a few treasures. Sami bought herself 4 beanie soft toys, 3 CD roms, a pair of binoculars, a ceramic ballerina and a few other little things. Her favourite is a lizard. She's started collecting lizards lately. AJ bought a large nutcracker doll and I got 3 Rocky and Bullwinkle videos - classics! When we got home it felt like every room in our little house needed some TLC. Sami went through her toys and got a bag of stuffed toys to give away. Several of them were unicorns. I was surprised, she used to love them. Actually, I think I encouraged that as I feel that unicorns are so mystical and beautiful. Maybe it was never really her thing, or maybe she feels as though she has enough. Maybe she's making way for more lizards!

We had a general tidy up in most rooms of the house. I made a few updates on our website, took care of 3 kids, washed diapers, etc. Nicholas was having a sleepy day. He took an unusual amount of long naps. In the evening he had another very loud period of communicating. Hmm, I wonder what is really going on with him. I don't remember the other two kids doing this. AJ fell asleep at 5:30pm. That's 4 hours before his usual time. Sami stayed up later than usual and she was in a very "smarty pants" mood. She was having fun with it though. Everyone seems out of whack somehow, or maybe their getting a new kind of whack. Interesing.

Gooey stuff

I felt so weird yesterday. I just couldn't get grounded and it required quite a bit of effort to function and follow conversations. I started the day just not feeling well. Some de-toxing going on. I've been doing a bit more Reiki on myself and in my life. As the day progressed I started feeling a bit better as I was drinking a ton of water. I just kept feeling like my Spirit and body were not quite fitting together.

Somehow I managed to function and (I think) appear kind of normal. We had to do a little shopping then we met at a friends house for an afternoon of science experiments with our lifelearners group. Cornstarch and water - fun! Water, oil and food colouring - cool! Vinegar, baking soda and balloons, etc. Fun for all! Nicholas was very vocal and was doing his best to contribute his opinion to what was going on. We had another long drive home (1.5 hours). This time we pretty much stayed in the one spot as there was no consoling him. As soon as I would put him back in his seat, he would just start screaming again. I finally got myself grounded again, got myself totally in the present moment and really connected with him heart-to-heart. I communicated total acceptance and love to him and I felt consumed with gratitude for the magnitude of the moment. He fell asleep. I held him until he was totally calm. I wanted to stay there for a long time, savouring that moment. Sami and AJ were so understanding about the long drive home. They are used to it now, but they've always been great about it. AJ was getting a bit restless by the time Nicholas finally fell asleep but then he fell asleep too, so did Sami. After that, it was a very peaceful ride home.

1 Nov pt 2

AJ has only eaten candy today. He did ask for oatmeal for breakfast, but he didn't eat it. Sami did include a pear and some cream-of-wheat. Right now she's about to eat some tortillas, after she's finished playing with them - wrapping them around her wrist and calling herself "Tortilla Princess" and acting like she was a superhero.

We did make it to the park this afternoon. We had the whole place to ourselves. It was so peaceful! Apart from a couple of small aircraft, all we heard were the birds. The kids brought their candy with them and we had a long discussion on our favourite candies, and if we could choose one huge box of our favourite, which one would it be? AJ couldn't decide between Skittles and M & M's. Sami settled on eyeballs which were made especially for Halloween and were chocolate with a fudge center. Crunch bars came a close second for her. We played guessing games to see who could guess how many pieces of candy were in the little packs of M & M's and other similar packs. Shortly before we left the park, some Grandparents came with their 2 Granddaughters. It was so cool that the Grandparents played on the equipment and swung on the swings too. That's like my Mum.

I was thinking of all the tv shows and books that have animals acting like humans - wearing clothes, living in houses, walking on their hind legs, cooking food, going to school, going to the dentist, etc. Argh! Ok, some of them are sort of cute, but some are just ridiculous!
How about some shows and books showing humans living like them? Ok, besides Tarzan that is.
Maybe I'm just being silly. Sami brought home a bunch of Babar books from the library the last time we were there. I have trouble reading them without making comments that refer to how silly the books are. Why does Celeste need a doctor and an ambulance to deliver her baby? She's an elephant - she knows how. Actually the baby does end up coming before the doctor gets there, but then it gets put in a crib and treated like a human baby. And why do the hippos act like hippos and don't wear clothes and walk around on their hind legs like all the other creatures?

Hey hey..AJ's asking for macaroni and cheese. I guess he's eaten all of his candy.

1st Nov

We've all been feeling rather calm and peaceful the last few days. I think that staying close to home more often and not always running around to planned activities has been good for us all. Yesterday was Halloween. The kids and I decided to go out and get some candy and a few things for the camper. We actually had a really fun shopping trip to Wal-Mart. Except for a few minutes when Sami and AJ were fighting over a little toy bat ring that AJ had found. They worked it out - after AJ had a turn with it, he chose to give it to Sami.

After we came home, Sami got some of the Halloween candy and put it into a big bowl. She and AJ were very excited about going trick-or-treating and were looking forward to having the neighbouring kids stop by for some candy. Sami started giving them huge handfuls of candy when they did arrive. I suggested she might want to cut it back a little so that there was enough for all the kids who came by. AJ decided just to dress as Batman, not the Batman/Darth Vader/Harry Potter combo he was going to do. Sami was a black and purple witch with a long black dress that had purple bits draped across the arms, a black pointed witch hat with long purple hair attached to it, and a black witch broomstick. She totally forgot about the long scary finger things she got recently to finish off the outfit. Oh well. Nicholas was in a pea-in-the-pod bunting outfit and looked very cute. We did some local t-o-t'ing then Cary came home and we all drove over to visit some friends for a short while before doing a little t-o-ting in their neighbourhood. When we got home, the kids dumped out their candy and happily shared some with each other and put the things they did not want into the bowl to hand out to others.

This morning AJ, Nicholas and I went for a long walk. AJ told me that he couldn't wait for Halloween to come again. We had fun looking at all the Halloween decorations at different houses along our way, and talking about all the exciting things we have to look forward to: Aunt Susan's visit, Thanksgiving, Grandma's visit, Daddy's b/day, a trip to the Grand Canyon, Sami's birthday, Christmas, New Year, a trip to Panama. So many great things in store! When we got home from our walk, Sami and AJ took off to the camper for a candy party. We were planning on going to the park this morning, but right now there is a big backhoe blocking our driveway and some people digging a big hole in the road in front of our house. AJ stood out there and watched them for quite a while. Now he and Sami are watching a little tv while Nicholas takes a nap and I have some playtime here.

Life is good!

Touch

We've been staying close to home lately. Last Friday we were supposed to go to a LifeLearners event, but I wasn't up to the possibly long drive home with Nicholas fussing. I thought we were supposed to get together with another friend in the morning, but that's next week. So we ended up staying home and cleaning the turtle in the morning. After lunch, Sami and AJ started painting and playing in the backyard. A little later we went out and rented a couple of movies. We ran into a friend we hadn't seen for a while which was so great. Everything works out the way it is supposed to!

Sami's enzymes and bacteria arrived on Friday and she started them straight away. I wonder how long it will take to notice any changes.

Yesterday we hit a couple of yard sales in the morning and the kids and I had a lot of fun there. In the afternoon they watched a movie and played 'Go Fish' with some english/spanish cards. They seemed kind of pent-up, so after dinner, I took all 3 kids for a walk to the park. It was getting dark and a little chilly so we didn't stay too long. Everyone was asleep by 9pm so I stayed up by myself and watched a movie. What a rare treat! A whole movie, uninterrupted!

I've been thinking about Touch lately. Being so kinesthetic, I've always understood people and things better through touch. As a child I was very affectionate and loved to hug and hold hands with everyone I liked. As I got older and still enjoyed doing this, kids at school would make fun of me and call me things that I didn't understand, but knew were not very nice. So I became more introverted, afraid to reach out to others (physically and therefore on other levels as well). I started dating just after I turned 14 (without my parents knowledge). I enjoyed the high amounts of touch I was able to explore and years of being pent up exploded though in ways I wasn't emotionally ready for.

When I was 18 I started studying massage therapy. I loved that and wish that I had kept going with it then. Over the years I've earned several massage certificates, but not enough to legally work in that trade. In the couple of years before Sami was born, I had two jobs - one as a Personal Fitness Trainer & Aerobics Instructor, the other as a Reiki Practitioner. One dealing with the physical, one dealing with the spiritual. It was great being able to balance them. One thing I didn't expect: when I did the PT certification, we were warned not to touch our clients. Fear of lawsuits, fear of encouraging inappropriate return touching. Argh! This society needs more human contact! People are so starved for human touch. No wonder the sex industry is so huge. Anyway, working as a PFT I used minimal touch when I though it was necessary to help the client focus on where they were supposed to be feeling an exercise.

This morning, Cary took AJ out for breakfast and Sami and I had some "girly" time. I made her french toast for breakfast then gave her a massage & Reiki while Nicholas napped. After that, she went out to the motorhome and hung out in her nook - the bed above the cab that has become a special place to her. It's been a vampire den, a spiders hole (a little halloween influence there!), a cave, a castle and I'm sure other things as well. She seemed so calm after spending some special time with me and some quiet time alone. Perhaps that's what she needs more of.

I love my husband! Deep down he is a free spirit. He gets so caught up in trying to make a better life for us all and he works so hard. I wish he had more play time. I love that we touch a lot. Gee I am so lucky!

Judgement

So many people assume that they know what is going on in another persons life. They assume that other people don't know or don't care to know about things that they are interested in. Maybe so. But what does it matter? I'm sure the second person knows and cares about things the first person doesn't. And isn't that what makes life interesting? We all have different strengths. We are all on different places on our journey.

I think that everyone is trying to make a better life for themselves in the best way that they know how to.

I think that attacking others is a sign of ones own insecurity. But of course, that's a judgment on my behalf. I ask that instead of attacking, we try to understand others. Take a moment to think "gee, I wonder what makes them like that?". Instead of being so quick to assume, put aside judgment to learn and possibly grow.

I am so sick of negativity. How is this world going to evolve if we keep bringing it down with our personal thoughts? I saw a young teenage girl out shopping recently and her t-shirt read "you are a fine example to idiots everywhere". I know some people think that's really funny. But I just thought it was sad. How can society become a more peaceful, loving place when we don't support and encourage each other?

I'm all for creating a better world. Stop complaining about the lack of respect and manners and be an example of those things. Others will learn from you. As Ghandi said: "Be the change you want to see in the world"

Peace

I feel like my lifelong quest has been that of Peace. Oh I have found it - many times - but I keep losing it. I need to know how to keep it as a part of me. I know I can tap into it any time I want to, and I know what I need to do to keep it as a major part of me. But I keep forgetting to do those things. I guess I take them for granted or I get interrupted one too many times and get out of the habit. Doing daily yoga and Reiki are a part of the puzzle, as are eating simply, communing with Nature, keeping warm and a few other things. Doing these things helps me feel so much more loving and peaceful and in balance.

After my first Reiki attunement, I was introduced to my main Spirit Guide. At first his name came through just as 'P'. After spending quite a bit of time with him, I soon realised that his name is Peace. I laughed with delight that Peace is my guide.

When I was a young girl going to Catholic school, I used to enjoy hearing stories of the Saints. My favourite was that of St. Francis and I still have a copy of his Peace Prayer that I was given when I left that school.

I have a secret fantasy about spending a week at a quiet meditation retreat where no one speaks. It would be so refreshing to let my mind be free of constantly translating the spoken word. Just for a little while.

So many messages come to me about Peace. I think I'm supposed to be doing more about it. Life just gets too busy with other daily things that I tend to forget or put aside the most important things.

I don't wish to be free of the storm, but calm within the storm.

Turtle

We ended up staying home on Tuesday. Except for a trip to the library in the afternoon when the kids got as many books as they could carry in their book bags.

The weather yesterday was beautiful and we met our LifeLearners group at the park and had a lovely time. We all enjoyed the companionship and conversation with our friends. It "only" took us 1.5 hours to get home as we "only" had to stop 3 times for Nicholas. Actually, it would have been more but there was one time when I just could not pull over anywhere.

When we did eventually make it home, we were excited to see the new motorhome that Cary has bought for us. It's sweet! Much smaller than the other big monster we had but never got to use before it was sold. But this is perfect for little trips and it will be great to get it packed and ready to go at a moments notice. Man I love to travel, well, when I have children that don't mind being in the car that is. We've nicknamed the motorhome "turtle" and will take it out somewhere locally for a test drive this weekend.

I've been spending a little time playing with the colours on this blog and the template by playing with the html codes. It's still not quite right, but I just don't have the time to do all the tutorials. But it has been interesting to learn how to do something different.

I was recently thinking about how much I've changed in the past 20 or so years. I used to be so very sensitive and always think that I was the one with the problem. Guess what? I am perfectly fine just the way I am! I don't have to do what any book or 'expert' tells me because I am the only expert on MY life.

Does everyone think that they are so different to everyone else? I always did. I often felt like I use a foreign language. My primary mode of understanding is kinesthetic - even my 'thinking' is done in feeling. I feel as though I have to translate spoken words into a 3 (or 4) dimensional feeling/s to understand it, and then translate my response back out. Cary has gotten used to my delayed responses in conversations. But in a group setting, I often feel like I'm a step behind and by the time I'm ready to add something, the subject has changed. Words often seem inadequate for what I am feeling and sometimes the words just don't flow out but kind of trip over themselves (which used to make me feel like people would think I was stupid, but now I'm much more gentle with myself). I find it much easier to write than talk about something as the link between my brain and my hands seems much more natural than the link between my brain and my mouth for self expression. I used to dream of writing a book and being a famous author. Then I heard Marianne Williamson say "The reason that so many people dream of being famous is because they are not yet starring in their own lives." I thought about that over the years. I claimed my place and my power in my life and I no longer dream of writing a book. I dream of adventures and exploring different places.

Up until recently, I thought that I was no good at art because I can't draw regular 'things'. You know what though...I really don't want to. I love to do watercolours with my kids and just do swirls and splashes and watch the colours run. It doesn't have to be any more than that. My self-expression is satisfied as that kind of thing more acurately represents how I think - beyond physical 'things'.

Gotta go..Sami and Nic are awake and ready to go for our morning walk.

I hate goodbyes

I had to say goodbye to a good friend yesterday. She and her family are moving back east. I am happy that they are getting out of here and going to where they want to be. But damn, I suddenly feel rather lonely. Another good friend recently went through some major changes in her life. Even though she is still in the area, her life situation is so different now as she had to go back to work and put her oldest son in school. So it's just not the same as it used to be.

I've said so many goodbyes in my life. Gotta say, it doesn't get easier. Ok...looking for the lesson....live fully, love deeply and laugh often...you just can't get attached to anything so you just need to appreciate it and enjoy it while you have it. Ok, lesson learned, but it doesn't help the ache I feel inside right now.

It started out to be a beautiful day and now a storm is brewing. Kind of matches my mood. I just feel like staying home and watching movies and making vegetable soup. But we are supposed to get together with our Life Learners group at a park. Hmm. Still a bit of time before we're supposed to go.

A couple of days ago I went walking with all 3 kids early in the morning. AJ discovered that if he looked at the rising sun, gritted his teeth together, and shook his head from side to side really quickly, that he could make a rainbow in his eyes. Actually I think he was seeing more red than any other colour but he was funny about it and kept doing it. That was how Sunday morning started and after Cary had made waffles for himself, Sami and AJ, we all went out into the yard to tidy up a bit. AJ wasn't really in the mood so he went back inside to do computer games. I got a short nap in with Nic. Sami and Cary kept tidying and raking the yard until a neighbour was passing and offered to take Sami and AJ to the park with her kids. They lept at the chance and while they were gone, Cary and I worked on getting the firetruck into the backyard. We had to put wood behind the back wheels to help it up the incline so the back overhang didn't scrape.

Ooo...thunder and rain...perhaps we won't be going to the park after all.

Huh?

I started the previous post yesterday but finished it this morning at 6:34am. It looks like it was posted yesterday afternoon. I'm still figuring out how this blogging thing works. Anyway, it IS going to be a wonderful day!

What do I do well?

I have been getting so much spam email lately, grrrr! I have much better things to do with my time than delete those. It's just annoying and invasive.

I've been thinking about what I do really well. Well, I don't know. I do a lot of things ok but I can't think of anything I'm excellent at. Judging by Sami's recent behaviour, I'm not even a good Mother. Which is something I've wanted to do my entire life.

I've done a lot of things in my life. I've pursued many dreams and lived them. I've set goals and made them happen. I've climbed mountains and overcome fears (literally). Maybe being somewhat of a loner most of my life has given me this inner strength to live my own life. Maybe that's what I do well - live MY life.

So what do I still want to do? I do love being a Mama, even though it's the hardest thing I've ever done, it's also the most wonderful. I want to travel more. My long-term goal is to own and operate a holistic health retreat on the east coast of Australia. This vision has been coming to me since I was in my mid-20's. "Free Spirit Retreat" has been it's name for the last couple of years. Before that I just referred to it as "the natural health retreat thingy in my head". The vision gets clearer but the time is not right yet. Maybe not for another 10 years. We have to make a boatload of money first to bring it together. And the kids need to be older. And I need to research the energy-efficient, environmentally-friendly buildings etc that will be on the large property. I get so excited thinking about it and I could type here for an hour with some of the ideas I have for it. But I know that the kids will be up soon and Sami will start with her usual "what are we going to do today?"

We have some ideas of how to make a lot more money, but I really need that maid and chef so I have time to work towards that. They could be fun as well as profitable. I've thought about teaching fitness again too. But the money wouldn't be great, it would be more just because I enjoy it. Not the fast-paced aerobic classes anymore though, but a more gentle stretch-and-tone / tai chi / yoga type class. But I really have to get myself back into shape first. And I'm getting there. Not as fast as I would like, but I'm being gentle with myself and it is happening.

It's going to be a wonderful day!

Games people play

We were recently introduced to the card game 'Blink'. The whole family enjoys it and it's something that Cary usually wins at. Mind you, I do go a little slow for AJ's sake and to make sure that the kids are playing it right. Cary isn't into too many games but I love them. I have great memories of playing games when I was growing up, but Cary does not. I added a few more to our collection yesterday when we were at a large rummage sale. I got Cranium, Scattegories (love that game, just don't have any one who can or will play it with me), and Battleship - for a total of $4. Love those sales!

Sami's been in a bad funk lately. She used to be so sweet and easy-going. She has been saying lately that her friends leave her out of their play. The kids she plays with are really great kids and I don't see happening for the most part, maybe sometimes (I doubt intentionally) but it obviously hurts her when it does happen. Oh God that brings back memories! I always felt like I didn't quite fit. But I didn't really want to play some of the games, I just wanted to be accepted for who I was. I became an observer and would often just watch and listen, too insecure to open my mouth in case I said something stupid that the others would make fun of. As I got older I found that drinking and drugs gave me false security and I became much more outgoing. As I got wiser, I gave up that crutch and decided to grow up.

When I was a kid, I was able to escape into nature. I was free to roam through the bush, play at the creek, and just be me. My brother and I spent so many free moments just walking or building cubby houses. Where do my kids go to escape? - the TV. But that's not really escaping, it doesn't let their imagination roam free as it's bombarded with someone else's imagination.

We recently got a trampoline for the kids. It was great at first. Now they won't go on it unless they have a friend over or if I go on with them. If only we had a maid and a personal chef and a baby that would sleep more during the day, I would be able to play more. I am grateful that Nicholas sleeps well at night. What a difference that makes! Having a baby at any age can be challenging at times if you just don't get enough sleep, water and good nutrition. He has always slept well at night, which means that I have too. I was a bit of a zombie for a while after Sami and AJ were born.

I feeeel good...

One of those days...

According to Sami, I am "dumb, stupid and ugly".. and she doesn't like me. Deep breath.

A few days

Two days ago (Sunday) Cary and I both felt inspired to get stuff done around here. Cary chopped down a dead bush out the front, vacuumed my van and the Range Rover he's driving at the moment, clipped a few overhanging trees and worked on various vehicles he has for sale that are currently at the house. I changed the paint on a dresser that we'd purchased for AJ at a yard sale the day before. The dresser had been too big to fit into my van, so Cary took the full-size school bus there and put it in the back of that! Then he took the bus down to his lot. The kids have had it in the backyard for months now and weren't playing with it much anymore. Besides, we needed to make room for the firetruck! Yep, a 1975 America LaFrance ladder truck. Cary took the kids in it up to the local burger place for lunch on Sunday! They loved it. We took a couple of walks and the kids played with the kids 2 doors down, running between their place and ours.

Yesterday we went to see a Chiropractic Kinesiologist. Nice guy. He looked at Cary and Sami and I think he helped Cary's hip problem, for now anyway. He seems to think that Sami is lacking the digestive enzyme amylase which means that she does not digest carbohydrates properly therefore she keeps craving them. The reason she gets so cranky sometimes is that her brain is somewhat starved for the fuel from the carbs. He's ordered some digestive enzymes for her which hopefully will be here soon! He wants her to take them and some of the friendly bacteria to assist in better digestion.

After that appointment, we all went to Wild Oats for lunch and a few grocery items. Cary showed the Range Rover and it looks like it might be sold. Cary took Sami home and he took a nap. I was driving my van with my two boys. We stopped at the library on the way home and got some Halloween books and a few videos. An easy dinner followed later, then an amazing thunderstorm. The kids were running around the house squealing with delight and a little fear of the thunder. Then we huddled together on some cushions and read the new library books. Sami went to bed early, but AJ stayed up for another hour and did jigsaw puzzles. He 'sees' the picture differently than Cary and I. We tend to put the border in first then fill it in rather randomly. AJ looks at the shape of the piece to see where it will fit. Nicholas actually did really well with all the driving during the day. Probably because he didn't sleep much on Sunday and he was catching up and just hanging out being mellow. I love my kids!

Trust

One of the biggest lessons for me in this life has been all about Trust.

This requires Faith in a greater force directing this earthy play. Trusting that God's plan is not always the same as my plan. But that it's happening the way it is meant to, even though the reasons sometimes do not become obvious for many years.

"This too, shall pass" has been my mantra since I was a teenager. I used this during challenging times in my life. But it's true all the time and it teaches me about gratitude for all moments and reminds me to enjoy more of them without dwelling on past moments or worrying about moments to come. "Be here now" is another favourite mantra that reminds me to be fully present right here, right now. Whether it's happy, challenging or just a blah moment, they all have something of value.

I Am, always learning.

Always Learning

I never really liked the term "homeschooling" as it implies that we do school at home. Actually we don't "do school" at all. The "unschooling" term accurately implies that, but I think it also implies that we don't do anything. I so much prefer the term "life learning" or just acknowledging the fact that we all are Always Learning. By doing so, we discuss things that others may take for granted or just ignore. We observe and interact with things differently. Everyday outings give us lessons in subjects too varied to be limited to one subject in a 45 minute period. My kids are learning real lessons in the real world. They are not shut away for 12 years to become prepared to live in the real world - they do it every day. So they are learning things in a different way to the 'school' way. Sami is learning to read from reading things that interest her - movie titles, comic books, books about princesses, food labels, etc. AJ is often doing math in his head as he says aloud "3 plus 3 is, um..6". It's like a game to him. We play lots of games. We don't look at the 'educational' value but whether we enjoy them. It's not like I say "ok, who wants to play Monopoly because we need to get some math in today?". It's more like "we played Monopoly today...and had a great time".

We have some "schooly" things here like workbooks, flashcards and other manipulatives. They are just there if the kids choose to use them, in whatever way they wish, whenever they wish. Just like the other things at their disposal like pens, pencils, paper, blocks, dolls, cars, etc.

Besides the actual 'stuff' that they are learning, they are always learning the deeper lessons of human dynamics. And they are teaching me so much too. I'm learning more about unconditional love, patience, gratitude, service and multi-tasking!

Right now Sami is really testing my levels of patience. She gets so angry at the slightest thing and can be just plain nasty to AJ. What is she reflecting? What does she need? What is causing the imbalance in her body chemistry?

AJ is so sweet and gentle to Nicholas and I and others. But with Sami, he seems to enjoy aggravating her.

Nicholas looks at me with such wise eyes as if to ask why this world isn't more peaceful and gentle. He is that. He's also so joyful and can see the humour in a funny sound or the look on someone's face.

When I was younger, I thought that when I left school, I would have all the knowledge that I would need in life. I have learnt more since I left school than I ever did while I was there.

Life is good!

A brand new day!

A new day is here, filled with endless possibilities for joy, love, laughter, creativity, connection.... let me go and explore it!