The Absence of Calm

Stress.  Oh yes.  It just creeps up on me. 

It's not that my life is overly stressful, although being a parent 24/7, taking care of the kids and the home and with Cary away.... there is just an absence of calm.

I try...deep breathing...walks along the beach with the kids...living simply...but it just is there, underlying everything else.  Waiting to rear its ugly head.  Proving that I still have work to do.  That life still grates me when I let it, when I don't remember to be the calm within the storm.

I love my life, I do.  I feel grateful.  But I just can't get on top of it at the moment, and I feel as though it's weighing me down.  I get overwhelmed so easily, and there always seems to be too much to do.

....a week later...

With our small space, we have to be very efficient, but there was always a mess lately which just did my head in. I see now that I created a situation that had a sheer absence of calm. The stress wasn't always great, but it was constant.

I am grateful to have very forgiving children, and to have the awareness now of what was going on. I don't think it was all in my mind though. I think it was also my chemistry. I haven't been eating properly - I often skip meals, or suddenly realise that I am hungry and then eat something quick. After talking to my naturopath and some other people, I also realise that I have just not been having enough protein. I think I have a sugar addiction. My naturopath suggested that I go a couple of weeks on a high protein diet, pretty much eliminating carbs for that time. The idea freaked me out and I refused at first.   I also realised that the coffee's I've been enjoying lately were actually making me more stressed and even quite cranky at times as it pushed me over the edge. So I went to the opposite extreme and had a couple of scotch's, and I totally mellowed.

I don't want to get back into a drinking habit, but I do need to change things here. I need to change my eating habits is a big part of it. When Cary gets back next week, Summer and I are going to join the Curves gym and start working out. Plus I'm just not doing as much extra stuff for a couple of weeks so that we can try and work on some things around here. We've been sorting through a lot of stuff from storage and trying to fit more of it in here for the kids and figuring out what to donate.

We've made so many changes to simplify our lives, but there is still the mental conditionings to overcome. God, why can't I just remember?! I cruise along, and then I hit a bunch of potholes and it throws me off.    I am so sick of the cycle.  I'm ready to do it differently.

freedom, flexibility and adventure...

While we were on our trip, someone remarked to me "you're so flexible!".  I hadn't really thought about it but..Yes... yes I am. She was referring to my ability to adapt to change easily, to pack lightly and sleep anywhere. I used to wonder if it was because I have a lack of commitment to things.  Not as much with people, but I can lose interest in places and activities fairly easily.  I don't finish things.  I get overwhelmed.  I get fired up for something but if I don't have a good response, I just let it go.

Which is probably why the traveling life suits me so well!  A constant smorgasbord of experiences and people...always keeping it interesting...keeping me stimulated.

But is that really what it is?  I've been thinking about this a lot.... maybe it's also a safety thing. 

Safety in that it keeps me from getting too attached...and it decreases the possibility of loss or hurt or rejection.  I have experienced a LOT of that in my life and I want to limit that for the time I have left.  So I try and stay ahead of it...I leave before I get too close to someone, or too involved in some project.  When I start feeling overly sensitive to the things going on around me, then I start to feel the call of the road...time to move on.  A rolling stone, a gypsy, a free spirit.

So what if it is a self-preservation thing?  It's also an adventure thing.

Years ago, as an almost-14 year old girl, my father announced that we were moving from our beautiful home in Sydney, to the Central Coast (1.5 hours north).  I. was. devastated!  The boy I'd had a crush on since I was 8 had just moved into our street, I had a great group of friends at school, I felt safe and very confident in getting around by myself.  I had imagined the fun that my friends and I were going to have through our teen years, and I thought that one day, I would leave from that house with a wedding gown on.  Oh yeah....it was all planned in my mind!  Maybe we could talk Dad out of that idea...out of the promotion that he had been offered.  Couldn't he see that staying in Sydney would be better for ME?!  no.  Through my anger and my tears, I realised that I was powerless and had no choice but to move.  I hated feeling powerless!  At my new school I ran with the "bad girls", I got into trouble...messy and awful and in hindsight totally stupid.  But I didn't care.  I was 14 and angry and I wanted everyone to know it!

Eventually, I came to realise that "this too, shall pass".  I realised that I wouldn't be powerless forever.  I was not far away from being able to drive and the feeling of Freedom that that thought gave me, was very empowering.  I decided to just make the most of the time I was there.  I played music.  Loud!  I made new friends, but I held back a little.  I went to the beach, I flirted, I worked part time, I did well in school until I realised that no one really cared about that so I slacked off.  I didn't want to be at home, so I went out whenever I could.  I experienced a lot of different people and places and realised that the move to that area, had given me the gift of a taste for adventure!  As soon as I had my drivers license, I went to all kinds of places by myself or with friends.  I found a very quiet beach in a national park that hardly anyone went to.  I would lay there, naked, feeling more free than I had ever felt in my life!   So at peace...so in touch with Spirit...and myself.  I went there every chance that I could.

I think that the move with my family when I was a teenager put me on a fast-track for growth that may have taken me years to achieve if I had stayed in Sydney.  Maybe it made me a totally different person.  Maybe I wouldn't have been so restless if I had never left Sydney, but I also wouldn't have been as brave.

Who says that not sticking with something is a bad thing?  Maybe I just realise quickly when something is just not in alignment with me...at that time.   That has happened, but I've had a taste, and come back for more later, at another time which felt more right.  It doesn't matter.  I am sick of judging myself and thinking that I "should" do things.  There are enough other people doing that in regard to my life and their own.  I choose to be gentle with myself.  I choose to give as much of myself to a person or a situation without apologising....with the possibility of being hurt, or having it not work, because every single thing that I do, is an opportunity for me to be Authentic.  Whether that is giving everything I have, or backing off for a while....it's Me.   And seeing myself as whole -  I have a better view....

I am a diamond....many different sides and together, they make me shine ever so brightly!

going deeper on the road

I feel like I missed an important part when talking about our road trip in my previous post.

I spent most of the trip embracing a feeling of richness...of expansion...of freedom.  I was in a state of Joy! 

There is something about driving along the highway, with all of those windows around me, that makes me feel like I am a part of that wider view.  It makes me feel larger.  I makes me feel like anything is possible. 

Traveling lightly gives me additional freedom to release attachment and to Be in the moment.  I am reminded to Trust...that anything I don't have with me, and may need...will be provided.  That doesn't necessarily mean that someone magically appears and says "oh, you're cold...here is a blanket" (though that has happened).  But that the opportunity to fill a need will be made clear and will perhaps bring with it other bonuses as well.  It's like treasures appear when we are open to having our needs met in unexpected places (or even in expected places).  And the treasures might not be material things...they might be experiences. And we might not even recognise the need until it is staring us in the face.

I could talk about the time when we went looking for an information center for a map and found a delightful environmental center, or when we went to the op shop to get some warmer gear and were treated better than we would have been at a fancy high-end store, or the friendly bus driver we met who took extra time to explain where I needed to go, even though there was a long line waiting behind me, or the wonderful time we had with our family along the way and the gems of memories that we co-created, or the amazing time we had with the new friends we met at the camp.  I had met a few of the other campers at a previous conference, and it was wonderful to see them again and make new friends...friends that really understand us, that we just connected instantly with.  Yes, so many treasures!

The way that Summer connected with the teens at the camp made it obvious to me that she needs more of that.  Unfortunately, she hasn't made quite the same degree of connection here, as she did there.  The trip has helped me to become more aware of that need for her, and more understanding of the type of person and activities that interest her.  We will be trying different groups and options in this area and other areas and seeing what treasures we come across in the process. 

There were a few times on the trip when my shadow side showed itself.  When I was tired, overwhelmed or hungry.  It wasn't often, and I soon recognised why I wasn't feeling so positive.  It's okay...I'm not going to beat myself up or feel guilty because I slipped.  We all do.  I've realised it's impossible to stay "Up" all of the time.  I think that 47 years on this roller coaster of Life has helped me to appreciate so much.  Especially the little moments, the connections with real people, being in nature, living outside of walls, living in a community - our tribe - even if just for a little while.  Yes, I choose to feel so rich with the joy and with gratitude of each experience. 

Journey of the Road...

Nicholas had been reluctant to go on our planned road trip.  I wanted to honour his feelings, but I also knew that Summer, AJ and I really needed to go.  He is a very determined young man and his pleas were getting to me.  The day came to leave.  We took Cary to the train so he could get to the airport to get his flight to the USA.  Then we came home, loaded the car with our things, closed up the caravan, and got on the road.

As we drove down the road, I realised that I did not have the same excitement that I usually do when we head off on a trip.  I felt a lack of attachment to our plans, and I almost could have turned around and gone home.  Nicholas would have been happier.  A string of different thoughts went through my head...would it really matter if we went?...we could just get back into the same routine that we were in...maybe that would be okay...is the van going to be alright while we are away?...did I turn the gas off?...maybe we'll have a terrible time and wish we had stayed home...will the car be okay?...will we be safe?...    I drove along the highway with beautiful countryside next to me.  Usually that area fills me with Joy and a feeling of freedom.  In the first hours of our trip, I felt very little.  I needed to change my state, to get back into the moment, to make the most of our trip.

I thought about our packing process.  We were going to be doing a mixture of staying with family in different places, and camping for five nights at a homeschool camp.  To make things easier all the way around, we slept in our sleeping bags everywhere we stayed.  We also needed our tent and sleeping mats, and other camping supplies.  The car we have now is smaller than the previous one we have traveled in, so we needed to be very efficient in our packing.  We had a small bag of food and cooking equipment, a small bathroom bag, pillows and each person had a small backpack for clothes.  Shoes went into another bag (two pairs each - one on our feet and one in the bag), one towel each, and then we each had another small bag to put in toys / games / books.  The back of the wagon was packed but we had even managed to include 5 Nerf guns and a razor scooter.  The boys were on the back seat and in the middle of the back seat was two travel cages for the rats.  Summer rode shotgun and took care of music and audio books as well as snacks along the way.  All I had to do was drive...and think...and aim to stay calm and balanced and set the tone for the kids.  I like traveling lightly and efficiently!  When packing my clothes, I was able to have a really good look at my already light clothes closet, and pick out my absolute favourites.  Since coming home, I've been able to donate some of the clothes I had that I realised I've moved on from.

Driving...thinking...processing...releasing...
Did we have enough stuff with us?  Would we be warm enough?  ...whatever we didn't have we could get along the way...or maybe we really didn't need it.  I was very pleased with what we had with us.

Finally, the last energetic string of attachment let go...and I was free to Be in the moment...to get into the spirit of the trip....In Joy.

We spent two nights with my Mum before heading to Sydney. I have to say, I was a little nervous about driving to and around Sydney as it had been 23 years since I had driven there.  I was open to the possibility that I may get lost, and I just decided to go with it for the adventure..wherever it led us.  I was almost surprised when I got everywhere I wanted to go with no problems!  Childhood memories flooded my senses and my instincts guided me in the right direction.  It was so comfortably familiar!  I had expected it to look very different...expecting that progress had made massive changes.  It really wasn't very different.  I was thrilled to see many familiar landmarks....

beaches that I used to go to...

my old primary school, though I am sure the playground was SO much bigger when I was there...

watching my children appreciating areas that I had loved.  Nicholas got caught on to my excitement and forgot that he didn't want to be on the adventure.  He absolutely loved the rest of the trip...

the pool where I took swimming lessons  (oh that pool scared me - I was sure a shark would get over the edge and into the pool at high tide)...

I loved exploring these rock pools when I was a child and I loved watching Nicholas and AJ enjoy them...

then they found a new park nearby and had fun on this...

...the house where I had lived in Sydney, (I loved that we had a bridge from the street level to our front door!)  It was hard to see the actual house as the bushes and trees had all grown so much, it really seemed to be a tree house now.  It was a pole house and my parents had enclosed the area underneath to make a large rumpus room.  The actual house seemed smaller than I remember, but I think that's all a part of me getting bigger and older. 

The roads seemed shorter and I was surprised at how quickly we got around the place...well, except when I forgot about peak hour and got stuck in afternoon traffic.

A high school I went to...it still looked very uninviting to me and I was glad to drive quickly away from there...

We spent a day exploring the city.  Our day there began with a trip on the Many Ferry (from Manly to the city).  It was a trip I had taken so many times as a child / teen, and I was excited to do it again.  My kids were thrilled and loved sitting outside and watching the boats and the beautiful scenery.  It was so fun to watch them squeal when they saw things they had only ever seen on TV, like the Opera House and the Harbour Bridge.  It was a bit chilly out on the deck, and Summer looked very cute in her new beanie made with love by her Nanna...

We walked around the Opera House and took a rest with the big coat hanger in the back...

Another ferry over to Luna Park...the famous amusement park where I played as a child...

After that we had actually walked back into the city by walking over the Harbour Bridge and through The Rocks historical area.

We spent five nights with my Step Mum which went by way too quickly.  We were able to spend a little time with my step Brothers including Coop and his beautiful family.  He and his daughter Viena are on the billboard below which had been donated by someone who was touched by their story.  Such a challenging time.  Viena is such a sweetheart and so strong!  She has had the first brain surgery and is recovering from that.  We think of her every day and send love and prayers to her and her family.  My kids love their Sydney uncles, cousins and Nanna and are keen to visit more often.

Another day in Sydney we had the adventure of trying to find the PowerHouse Museum, which we finally did and it was a lot of fun.  The kids favourite part was the machine that explained how chocolate was made and then gave free samples!  AJ liked this bike too...

After leaving Sydney, we headed north to a homeschoolers camp.  I detoured off of the highway to the Central Coast, an area that I lived as a teenager into my early 20's.  The house below is where I lived during those teen years, and it didn't look very different, though I don't remember the palm trees along the side being so tall. 

The central coast is where I learned to drive and I had no problem getting around there.  The area had grown a bit, but I had a new appreciation for it.  I was amazed at how beautiful it was and I knew that I had totally taken it for granted when I was in my selfish teenage years.  Oh how I couldn't wait to leave it and go in search of adventure...and freedom...and myself.  I found all three, but it was not without cost.  I could feel the circle coming fully around, but I had evolved so it felt more like a spiral.  I felt a little sad for all that I had left there, but also full of gratitude.  Without those lessons, I might be a different person.  I had never wanted to leave Sydney as a teen, but doing so helped me to create a new life on the central coast...and it also helped me to know that change can be exciting, and new places can bring a host of new experiences.  I think that could be a whole blog post in itself so I'll put that train of thought aside for now.

We pushed on up the road to the camp.  It was fabulous!  The weather was a little chilly, but it was nice to rug up.  For the first time ever, I didn't mind being a little cool and was grateful that it wasn't wet as well.  There were around 20 families with children from babies to 16 years old.  There was such a natural flow to the days.  Nothing was actually planned.  We had several circles, a community dinner, and lots of other time for chatting one on one or in smaller groups.  The children arranged themselves into all kinds of activities either with the other kids, or within their own families.

There were some possums living near the camp kitchen that were quite friendly.  AJ could hand feed them and give them a pat while they were eating.  It was one of the highlights for him...

We hired the go karts a couple of times.  Here, Summer is in the front one with the boys in a double cart behind her...

Another Mum hired some paddle boats and the kids took turns playing in them.  AJ is in this one with a new friend that had trouble reaching the peddles...

Mini golf was another bit of fun.  We put our own spin on it by playing a speed version.

The teens enjoyed just hanging out in various places including the jetty at sunset....beautiful!

We were so lucky with the weather on our trip.  We did have some rain on the last day of camp, but we hung out with some friends who were staying in a cabin and watched a movie and chatted.  Oh my golly...I chatted so much to so many new friends during the camp...the days just weren't long enough!   Such an inspiring and wonderful group!  I've never seen Summer so happy and animated as she was with her friends there.

After the camp, we drove over to my sister's place to celebrate her birthday with her.  It was lovely to catch up with her, and we were able to let some of our gear dry out a bit.  Two nights there before the 8 hour drive back up the road to our place.  Which seemed to take longer than usual, or maybe I was just tired after a very full two weeks.  I do like the drive up the New England Hwy, with the country areas and Autumn colours and light traffic.  It felt crowded and strange to come back to our place.  Nicholas was happy, but I just felt detached and like I'd been gone for a month or more.  Summer and AJ are both keen for another road trip south to catch up with their new friends.  Soon!    I have left all of our camping gear in the car and we are looking into campgrounds in the different areas our new friends live in.  I might just catch up on some washing and some sleep first!