cycles...

My husband has mentioned several times over the years, that I tend to go in cycles with the way that I experience the world.  I expand and put myself 'out there', I am excited and full of enthusiasm....and then I contract, and find comfort in my inner world, processing the previous expansion and contemplating who I am now and how that fits into the world.  He sees it as my highs and lows.  After thinking for a while that the 'low' / quiet, withdrawing time is something that I "shouldn't" do, I have moved into a new appreciation and understanding of how I operate.

Firstly, cycles are found everywhere in nature - the moon, the tides, the seasons, heck, even the day/night business!   Secondly,  I am a woman and my very biochemical nature is cyclical.  Even each breath completes a cycle as our lungs expand and contract.

                                         

I have sometimes thought that I don't want to continue to blog anymore because I have felt as though I am just saying the same old things.  Writing does help me process life and I have a huge lot of unposted posts on my dashboard.  Some of those are too personal, some are unnecessary and some are still unfinished and will probably stay that way because they don't need to be finished.

I do go into deep contemplative times, when I need a lot of quiet time, when I don't understand the actions of others, when I question, doubt, and I feel detached.   Then I move through that to feel connected to everyone, to be in a secure place of Trust and Love and I feel full of Joy.  When I'm like that, I feel "okay, this is it...I've got a hold of it this time and I'm not going to lose it again".....and in time..it just slips quietly off to the side.

As I get a little older, my experience in these cycles gets..deeper.  I'm in the moment, but I'm also observing that moment.  I know that I'll move through both so I am enjoying more and judging myself a whole lot less.  I am woman, I am human, it is my nature to live in cycles.

Currently, I am in a contemplative cycle.  I was starting to wonder why some people had not replied to emails and allowing myself to feel hurt.  Then I let go of that and of the need to try and control outcomes.  As a little girl, I learned that:

 if I expect nothing from people, then I am never disappointed.  

(I must be a bit thick because I keep forgetting that one and allowing myself to be vulnerable.)  But for now, I remember to take responsibility for myself and my feelings, and to focus on Love.  I remembered to take some time out for myself and treat myself how I want to be treated.   I honour this cycle and I appreciate the insights gained.

I think I would be bored if my moods were on an even keel.  I like the tides of my life!  I like that I really don't take them as seriously as I used to, it's just not worth the drama!