I took my blog offline for a bit as I went through a phase of rethinking everything. Do I still want to homeschool my children, live in Australia, keep this blog...and some other things.
I realised that I had lost track of myself and that I felt, well, just empty. I felt without direction and purpose. As my body moves into a new phase, it's sorting out some interesting emotional sludge along the way. What a ride!
I felt responsible for others, highly sensitive to everyone, wanting to give to others, but getting to a place where I had nothing left for myself.
I didn't even want to change it...I just wanted to ride it all the way down, and then stay there....for a long time.
However, an inner feeling started growing, started remembering the good and the beautiful and the joyful, even if I couldn't feel those things in that moment. It reminded me to not give up, to just take a rest. To not judge, to allow the process, to surrender.
Slowly I started to see a light, a chance for regrouping and I screamed out:
WHAT DO I WANT TO DO???
WHAT DO I WANT TO BE???
WHAT DO I HAVE TO GIVE???
which started kicking the sludge out of the way. I then gently whispered those questions and let them swish through me, allowing them to settle when they were ready.
I found a 10 page piece of writing that I had done several years ago, that I found amusing due to the style and content. I found some old photos of places I've been that also inspired me.
I was open and inspiration started flowing in, reminding me, supporting me, guiding me.
I found the answer to all three questions in one word: LOVE.
That's all that matters. The details will be taken care of along the way. I believe that. I Trust that.
I'm back and I feel Whole again!
1 comment:
Beautiful! I loved reading about the process you've been going through, loving your authenticity and vulnerability in sharing so openly. Welcome back!
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