Home?

My sister and her family have lived in their home for 15 years. I've lived in at least a dozen places in that time. And here we are, preparing another move. The idea of moving into a camper sounded so exciting and adventurous. The fact is that it is that, but I'm also a bit nervous about it. Not really having a permanent place to call "home". Have I really had that for a while? Where is home? Parts of me say Australia, but where exactly here? I've travelled around and lived in so many places. There are bits of my heart in all of them. And certainly the same could be said about the US. I still feel a connection to the country I lived in for 12.5 years and especially the places where my children were born, where we all learned and grew so much and where we still have good friends and family.

I think I've learned to live without a strong attachment to the idea of "home". It's only when I hear other people mention things that relate to that, that I realise it's something that is not really present in my life. Not deeply. Maybe if I lived somewhere where I could plant a vege garden and hang all of my pictures on the wall. And have animals (I miss that the most). Maybe that would give me the feeling of roots that a real home gives.

Until then, I'll keep spreading my wings and keep comfort that, for our family, home is where the heart is. So while we're all together and following our dreams for adventure, we are strong and we free and we are a group of 5 individuals, all blooming in our own way.

The Invitation

I'm re-reading "The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer. It's a book that inspires the reader to live fully. Parts of the actual Invitation:


"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living, I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.


It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.


...I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.


...I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.


...I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself..


...I want to know if you can live with failure..and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"


...It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away. ..."

There's more, but these bits just jumped out at me in this moment so perhaps I need to consider them.

I ache to live fully. I've been a fool, many times and am ok about the possibility of being so again. I'm still open. I'd like to be even more wild. I have a very hard time disappointing those closest to me in order to be true to myself. I've done it though. I've had many failures which I prefer to think of as lessons. They may knock me down for a short while, but it doesn't take me long to get going again. What sustains me? Love, the stillness (Peace) deep within when I remember to get in touch with it, Adventure, Faith in the grand plan and the Creator of that.

Maybe from this, I can figure out what it actually means to me when I say that I want to live a full life. If I only had a few months left to live, how would I live? Is that what living fully means? To live as if we were going to die? (No, because that could put the emphasis in the wrong place. Besides, we're all going to die sometime - that needs to be accepted as a normal part of life.) What would I eat? (Only the freshest, organic fruits and veges, a little freshly baked bread or baked sweet potato and a little chocolate!) Where would I go? (To the tropics, wherever it was dry season. I simply cannot stand to be cold.) What would I do? (Spend time with my husband and children, family and friends - playing, swimming, reading aloud, cuddling, telling silly stories. I'd also do more Reiki and yoga and be more vocal about living simply and gently. Maybe I'd write more too.) I think the most important part would be that I would find it easier to live in the moment, to be fully present and to appreciate all of the beauty and joy in ordinary moments.

Hmm..that was an interesting little exercise. I've often said that I'm not afraid of dying, but I am afraid of not living a full life. It looks like I need to work on being true to myself, even when others don't approve, to risk possible conflict instead of always trying to be the Peacemaker. To take time to get in touch with myself to Know and Be still and absolutely in touch with what it is I really feel and want. To be more vocal about my beliefs, needs and desires. I have been working on removing a block in my throat chakra and I believe it's working! To remember to be here now. I feel so good when I can stay in the moment, everything seems possible...and it is!

Sunshine Sunday

Last Thursday morning, we packed up some things, loaded up the car and took a 5 hour drive to the Gold Coast. I was surprised by how uncomfortable I felt there. It's like a mini Las Vegas with traffic, lots of strip malls, big shopping areas, huge theme parks, tons of people, billboards and did I mention the traffic? The area we currently live is so much quieter and I have gotten used to that. I find it more soothing. I was a bit overwhelmed there. In the afternoon, we looked at a pop-up camper that we had seen advertised for sale and was our main reason for taking the trek. It seemed to have everything we were looking for so we did a deal. In my haste to get a camper so we could move on with all the things we need to do before Cary leaves for the US, I ignored my instincts that were telling me to slow down. I hate it when I do that. I feel like I let myself down by not Trusting my true self and letting my physical self run the show. I'm still working on the Trust lesson. I'm not positive we got the right camper or the best deal, but it's done and we need to make the best of it.

The next day we towed the camper 2 hours north to the Sunshine Coast where we had a lot of trouble finding a vacancy. We hadn't counted on all of the snowbirds to fill the van parks for the winter. We did eventually find a spot right next to a beach. It was too cold to swim, but nice to play on the white sand and watch the beautiful waves. The camper was easy to tow and easy to set up. I feel a little bothered because the very-nice-older-man that we bought the thing from assured us that "everything works" and the fridge did not work, and the table did not go down nicely to make another bed. We should have checked those things. But it was solid during the windy night we had and we did all sleep comfortably. It has a lot of good points and we will be able to fix a few things on it to make it even better.

We spent two days on the Sunshine Coast, looking for the place we want to park the camper when we go back up there and just having another look around. We all liked a RV park (called caravan parks in Oz) with a patrolled beach on one side, Underwater World on the other, and walking distance to fabulous cafes, restaurants and shops as well as a decent amount of shade.

While we were driving up and back, Sami, AJ & I watched some DVD's while Nicholas played, drew, ate and slept (though not much of that). In one of the Harry Potter movies we watched, Dumbledore says to Harry something about choosing between what's right or what's easy. I thought about that in regard to what is coming up for us. It would be so easy to just stay where we are, doing what we are doing. But it just feels right to break out of that and do what we're about to do. But it is challenging some of my comfortable, easy, notions. Like security and trust that I've mentioned before. I've had to change some of my internal dialogue in order to get my head around some things. We've decided not to go crazy and sell practically everything, but to store it and just see how this adventure goes. We can always sell it later, or use it whenever we are ready to move back into a house. This way it feels more like we're going on vacation rather than moving in to a camper. Even though I imagined myself more like a free-spirited-gypsy doing that, Cary's not thrilled with the deal as we could have bought the same thing back in the US for 1/6th of the price. But that's the way things are here. He's looking forward to the adventure, he's just had enough of the high cost of things here.

After 3 weeks of school holidays, the kids go back to school tomorrow. Sami said she does not want to go and that she wants to homeschool again. Though she is looking forward to starting violin which they will do tomorrow. Once she's at school, she seems to enjoy it so I think she won't mind the next month or so there before we get on the road. I think we'll spend a few weeks visiting family and friends before heading back up to the Sunshine Coast and getting to know the natural learners group there. I hope they are as great as the LifeLearners group we left back in Vegas.

Simply Trust

Years ago, in an article on simply living, I read that most people only use 20% of the stuff in their homes, 80% of the time. Or maybe it was even less, like 15% of the stuff. In contemplating our next step, I'm wondering how much (how little) stuff I can honestly live with. How much will it take to function easily, to live happily? I've been thinking about the things I will miss about living in a house...at first I thought of all of the storage cupboards in a house. Then I thought about all of the things in those cupboards that really don't get used, like the food processor I've used twice because it doesn't seem to take any longer to chop things by hand when you consider the time it takes to set the thing up, use it and clean it. A well-stocked pantry, but I really only use 20% of the stuff in there. It would be a good challenge for me to plan our meals so much better that we only buy what we will actually use. What else will I miss? The space in the house where the kids can run up and down the hall? No,- compared to the space of the great outdoors that's not a consideration, except maybe in rainy weather when we could find a museum or library to go to anyway. Hot running water? - yes, that would be nice but it won't take long to boil water for doing the dishes. A bathtub? - yeah, but not really necessary if we're swimming in the ocean or river most days.

I could not find any "thing" that I would actually miss about living in a house. (And I certainly won't miss the cleaning or the bills!) So I looked a bit deeper. What feeling does a house give me? .. A sense of security. This is the one niggling little point that has been in the back of my mind, making me just a tad uncomfortable. This adventure is challenging that notion, but it's good. The fact that this house is made of bricks and I can lock it up makes me feel that we are safe and so is our stuff. Are we really? Anyone could easily break in through a window. That kind of thing is very rare in this area though. But when we're travelling, would the threat of crime be different?

After hours of research and phone calls, we decided to buy a little pop-up camper. We drove an hour away to look at one that sounded good, liked it, decided to buy it and negotiated a price. The owner agreed and, as it was Sunday about 3pm, we said we would meet on Monday morning after going to the bank. He called us about 8am on Monday morning to say that he'd already sold it for more money. We were PO'd! He'd given us his word. He should have had the decency of at least letting us match the offer. Anyway, it wasn't meant to be and perhaps he did us a favour. We started reconsidering the whole camper idea and thought maybe we should just do a tent for a while. We'll still keep our eyes open for a camper, and if it's meant to be, there will be one. Otherwise, we'll do a big tent until Cary can have a very nice camper sent over from the USA.

Would I feel more secure in a camper because we can lock it up? Am I kidding myself? Would I be concerned about someone stealing our stuff out of a tent that can't be locked up? Am I showing a complete lack of Trust in God and my fellow man? ...Oh, maybe that's my lesson for today - Trust.

Most of our personal stuff will be in storage until we are ready to go back to living in a house where we can again have our photo albums in a closet where they rarely get looked at, and the boxes of sentimental things sitting in the garage collecting dust, but can also have some of our pretty, special things decorating the home, reminding us of friends we've known and places we've been. In the meantime, things with a high personal value, should be 'safe' in storage.

So I come around again to wondering just how much or how little we can live with, especially if it's in a tent. Considering the needs of two adults and 3 children - clothing, cooking, toys etc. I need to keep it simple and I won't take anything that can't be easily replaced. I need to release the attachment to the things we do take, or it could attract the very situation I am currently concerned about.

I trust that I can do it!

dolphins!

The children and I love to go for walks to the headland near us. We walk from here, past the creek, over the bridge, through the bush...when we get to the top, the bush clears and the sight of the ocean always takes my breath away, it just looks more beautiful each time..we stroll along the headland until we are to the top, spend a little time looking for dolphins and whales and watching the surfers, and then stroll back, go down the side of the headland and walk along the rocks and beach until we get back to the little bridge across the creek again. Round trip takes at least an hour. Often when we get to the top, I try very hard to see dolphins and whales and usually end up disappointed when I don't see any. It's been a while since I did see any. But yesterday, a couple of amazing things happened when we went there.

For the first time, Nicholas actually walked almost all the way there. Previously, he had always insisted that I carry him from the time we got across the bridge, up through the bush and down the headland until we got to the beach when he would walk again. Carrying an extra 30lbs up hill was quite a good workout! Yesterday he only wanted me to pick him up once when some other people passed us. The rest of the time he held my hand and walked there. He is getting more independent all the time. We often go to the beach with friends after lunch. Cary and some of his friends go surfing while the kids explore the rocks or run up and down the sand dunes or dig or just play the free way kids do. Nicholas is joining in on a lot of that now and it's beautiful to watch the other children helping him when he needs it.

But the other amazing thing that happened yesterday was the dolphins! I was really enjoying the walk with the children. I was totally in the moment, feeling full of life and love. When I got to the top of the bush where is cleared and I saw the ocean, I decided that it didn't matter if I saw a dolphin or whale. I knew that they were out there - I could feel their energy and it was all good. We sat at the end of the headland just enjoying watching the water and feeling the sun. Sami was writing and drawing in her journal while both boys were sitting on my lap enjoying a cuddle. Then I saw two fins which soon became 3..5..8...10! There were at least 10 dolphins right down in front of us. We watched totally delighted as they played in the waves and swam back and forth directly in front of where we were sitting. What a gift!

When I released my attachment to having to see dolphins, they were there, and in a pod bigger than I would have hoped for. Gods delays and not Gods denials.

I've seen 'The Secret' and know about the law of attraction, it's just so great to have the lesson presented again in such a way as this.

New Name

I have been thinking about what I have written in the description of the blog "..to live fully..". Am I doing that? Can I really do that with our current way of life? What do I need to do to really live fully - what do I really want to experience? What kind of life do I want for my children?

My children have a book called "We were tired of living in a house.." and you know what, so am I! I'm tired of insulating myself with the distractions that come with maintaining a house. Yes, it's also a home but I feel like I spend too much time keeping that home "homely" that I don't spend enough time enjoying the things that really make this place a home - my family. There are other distractions around me and within me that I am working on clearing also. Things that have kept me from really getting involved in creating a better world.

So, in honour of the many breakthroughs I've been having lately, I've renamed this blog "free spirit life" which is the blogger address anyway so I guess it's been brewing in me for a long time. I've removed the border around the title to signify the removal of borders in my mind.

You can expect more blogging from me on simple & conscientious living, natural learning, travel, natural health & healing, indigo kids and more. Oh the places we'll go! Woo hoo!

Ok, because I can't wait anymore, I just have to tell you...here's the plan: We are going to buy and move into a camper within the next month. We will put some things like photos, papers, some books and special things etc into storage. The kids will have one more month at school only because Sami is about to start violin and she really, really wants to do that. (It turns out she has "an exceptional talent" for music according to her teacher. She also loves learning new languages. Interesting that her name actually means "listener" so I guess she has an ear for that kind of thing.) Plus we need some time to wrap everything up here. Then Cary is leaving for the US to wrap things up there while I head off to the Sunshine Coast with the kids to meet up with the big Natural Learners homeschooling group there and enjoy some slightly warmer weather, better fruit and connecting and playing and living more fully, deeply. Early next year we are going to spend at least 6 months in the islands of the South Pacific, starting with Vanuatu. Our children will see how the people there can live so simply and joyfully, they'll see real volcanoes, go snorkeling in the crystal clear water, and play with children from a completely different culture. They are really excited and so are we. This feels so right, like we are really on the path of living fully. I know that it's a process and not a destination. I know I still have a lot to learn and I am ready! I am ready to get back on the road less travelled and my heart is full!

Busting!

I am just busting with excitement! We have a great plan in motion. I won't go into it just yet. In the past when I've gotten all excited and told the world what we're going to do, the momentum seemed to stop and the plan flopped. Maybe it was meant to. It's all ok. I'll reveal all soon!

As it's been getting easier for me to simplify the material stuff around me, I found myself wondering just how "simple" could I make my life? Could I live in a cabin? A camper? A tent? If so, for how long? How much space do I need to put my material stuff in? Just how much stuff do I really, really need/want? And how much stuff do the other members of my family need/want? With less stuff around us, would we actually go out and just live more fully - enjoy the natural world around us, connect with each other even more, meet new friends, lie on the grass and watch the stars, etc (things we already do, but would we do them even more because we could and we weren't inside cleaning and tidying and being absorbed by the material stuff)? I believe we would. I think our living space would become the great outdoors and the house base, if it were much smaller, would become mostly a functional eating/sleeping space with just enough familiar things for the comfort and fun of home. Fun as in games, toys, craft supplies, movies.

How easy would the adjustment be to let go of the idea of having all these rooms around us? Am I so conditioned to having them that I would panic when living without them for too long? I've been exploring this from many angles. Maybe I'll just have to try it to find out for sure.

Hello again

We haven't had the internet on at home for a while. There's a lot of uncertainty about our future here. We were offered a chance to get out of the internet contract we were in, so we did. I have just reconnected with a new provider which does not require a contract, but it is dial-up. That's ok. It's making my online time more efficient.

Australia is a beautiful, wonderful place. It's very easy to live here socially, spiritually, emotionally. But financially, it's tough. High taxes, all kinds of extra fees, regulations, licences. How can we put a price on the peace of heart that we have found here? We know that change is coming, we're just not sure what it's going to be. That kind of uncertainty has been a regular visitor in our lives. I'm learning how to manage it. Being present and enjoying the moments as they unfold is part of it. Being open, accepting the impermanence of life and situations also helps.

Recently I reached a turning point in my Self. I found a deep inner Peace. A friend lent me "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle which confirmed a lot of what I already felt and also gave me some tools to take that deeper. Like "Watch the Thinker" which I find stills my mind when it starts getting into some old patterns. From that book, I love this quote by Marcus Aurelius: "Accept whatever comes to you woven in the pattern of your destiny, for what could more aptly fit your needs?" (I'm sure my unschooling friends agree.)

I am easily doing a deeper cleanse of material stuff. I came across some papers and things from my youth. I no longer feel any need to keep them. I'm going to have a ceremonial fire when I've finished gathering them together. Other things I'm coming across I'm easily letting go of if I have no need for them. I feel totally ok with everything I have gotten rid of in the past and now. I really, really like having less 'stuff' around me. It's nice to walk into the garage and not see a mountain of boxes, just lots of light. That's how I'm feeling - lighter - in weight and vibration. I like it.

here now

I haven't felt like blogging for a while. I've been so content just enjoying each moment. Living in each moment. Really feeling it, seeing it, hearing it, touching it, experiencing it.

Here and now.

I feel light and connected.

I have not felt the urge to write, but just to live fully in the present. To write about it would have been like putting a label on it, and I find labels limiting. Perhaps helpful at times for clarification, but we can get stuck living within those labels or living up to them.

When I was much younger, I did all kinds of quizzes to find out my personality type, studied what I was supposed to be like regarding numerology, astrology, etc. It doesn't matter. I am who I am. How I wish someone had told me then that, in order to find out more about who I am, I do not need to look outside, but inside. I wish someone had taught me then how to meditate and that whatever I felt inside was perfectly fine and good for me. Was it school that taught me to want to know my place among others? To try and fit in and belong to some kind of group whether it's a sign or a number or a type?

I have no need for that. I like who I am.

I am here now.

I am

Busy week

Last week just flew by. I don't know exactly where all the time went, but it went fast. This past weekend was a blur. Friday evening we met some friends on the beach for a bonfire. We watched an almost full moon rise over the warm ocean while sitting back, feeling the soft sand between our toes. The kids toasted marshmallows and made their own little fires. Guitars, drums and other percussion instruments came out and we had a sing-a-long. The evening had a very similar feeling to it that our homeschooling events back in Nevada used to have. It's usually that way when we get together with the friends we've made here.

Earlier on Friday, we had a free energy audit at our house. The consultant replaced every light bulb in our home with the energy-efficient kind. 22 light bulbs for free! He made a few suggestions and that was it. Australians in general are very concerned about global warming. It seems that every week there is an article in the paper about some local business who is switching to green power or how they have made changes in their business practices to help the environment. Have I blogged about our bin system? We have three 240 Litre wheeled bins with colour coded lids. Red is for general trash. Yellow for recycling. Green is for food scraps and garden clippings. The green one gets picked up every week while the red and yellow alternate weeks. Everyone uses the system.

Saturday morning we went to a couple of yard sales then into the Botanical Gardens to celebrate Japanese Children's Day in the Japanese section of the beautiful gardens. That place is huge. We drummed and danced and ran into friends there. The weather was warm and wonderful.

Sunday we went to a farewell party for some Dutch friends of ours who are leaving Australia next week to travel in the USA for a few months. They are working on getting visas to allow them to come back here to live. The party was at a beautiful creek picnic area and the kids had a great time exploring and playing. We had fun chatting with our friends too.

Big new here - Nicholas has stopped using diapers during the day! Several weeks ago he refused to wear them anymore and he always goes on the potty or toilet or outside now. He's 22 months old. I have to wait for him to fall asleep at night before I can put a diaper on him otherwise he'll pull it off. Sometimes when he wakes in the morning it has a little in it, a couple of times he's been dry, usually after he's woken me to go potty during the night. I'm impressed! He is a little boy with a big mind. Once he sets his mind to something, he is very determined! I was told before he was born that he was a strong Indigo child and I can see the truth in that.

Cary has taken up surfing. Life is good. I'm blissfully content.

The Secret to The Secret

Did you think of any other things to get The Law of Attraction to work? The main thing, and it's not really a secret, is Action. You cannot just sit at home focusing on all the things you want. It's great to do that and it certainly will help. But if you don't actually DO something towards getting them, the chances of getting them are extremely slim.

In "The Secret", the man that starts getting cheques in the mail must have done something to get those, they didn't just magically appear. And the man who realised that he was living in his dream mansion looked like he had spent years working hard to get there.

Tony Robbins and many other motivational speakers and writers from Napoleon Hill and others even before him, have talked about this and encourage people to do the goal setting, the visualisation, the positive thinking, the gratitude and then take action. And if that doesn't work, try something else. And if that doesn't work, try something else. To not give up but just keep moving and taking action towards those goals.

"The Secret" is not new. But it is a great reminder of how powerful our minds are. Getting clear about what we want, believing in that possibility and taking action towards those goals are some fundamental skills that should be taught to children so that it becomes a habit. I'm going to start talking about all of this with my own children.

movies and peace

I love the wave of spiritual cinema that has become very popular since "What the Bleep.." was released several years ago. I guess by now most people have seen "The Secret" and maybe even "Conversations with God". We used to subscribe to the Spiritual Cinema Circle and every month would be sent a new DVD with several short independent films and a regular feature length film. These were films like "Delivering Milo", "Indigo", "Into Me See", and others from all over the world. I love that these movies are helping to reach a wider audience and plant seeds of possibilities - of a kinder, more peaceful world where people can connect on a deeper more loving level.

A couple of posts ago, I mentioned the Go Gratitude site. "The Secret" talks about the law of attraction. They show how powerful your thoughts are in attracting everything in your life. Gratitude plays a huge role in unlocking that even further. Even if your current situation is not what you want it to be, living with an attitude of gratitude will help to bring you the things you do want. I've been thinking about what else are the keys to the law of attraction. Certainly Trust /Faith would be another. Are there any other things that are the main keys to getting this law to work?

The recent tragedy in Virginia raised an ongoing discussion in this house. Cary and I differ in our opinions about guns. I don't see how we can have peace when people are carrying around weapons of war. He doesn't see how we can be safe when criminals can still obtain guns and "good" people cannot defend themselves. In his case, would the "good" people be more likely to attract such a situation to them where they may need to defend themselves? According to "The Secret" you get what you focus on and if you think someone is going to attack you, then surely there is a greater chance of that happening? In my case, am I being too naive? Can you really protect yourself with a belief in love and peace? It's worked for me so far.

AJ rolls the dice

Last week we went to an electrical store to get a cable for a new tv we bought. As it was going to be a quick in and out, I thought I'd wait in the car with the kids while Cary went in. Then I noticed that the store was having a promo day there including having a radio station tent near the front door. So the kids and I decided to have a closer look. When we got over there, the DJ asked if we'd like to play a game to have a go of winning a remote controlled fire engine. I asked "what kind of game?". He said "how about .. roll the dice?" I should have said we were from Las Vegas and he didn't stand a chance, but I just said "sure". He asked which one of us would like to have a go and I suggested AJ as it was two days before his birthday and that would make a nice present. So it was arranged. I went back to the car to get the camera and as I was coming back, AJ went on the air, chatted to the DJ and played the game. The DJ rolled a 9 and AJ rolled a double 5! It was all over by the time I got back, but I snapped this photo just as he was walking away with his prize. He was so stoked! He was talking about it all day "the DJ rolled a 9 and I rolled a 10 and I won the firetruck.....". It's a pretty cool truck - you can put water in the tank in the back and from the remote control you can turn the fire hose on top and it will squirt out water.



Mr AJ - 6 years old. Happy Birthday gorgeous! We love you.

Thanks for the blog birthday wishes for him. M, I hope C had a good birthday too.

Love you all.

March / April photos

We had this goanna visit a cabin we stayed in on the Sunshine Coast. It was at least 3 feet long and the kids enjoyed following it around for a while.


Shortly before school broke up for the holidays, AJ's teacher had a birthday celebration for him. The morning started with their usual morning circle and for the story, the teacher told the Rainbow Bridge story then Cary and I took over with a brief synopsis of AJ's birth and life thus far. Before the circle started, AJ had the privilege of wearing the golden cape and crown, which he actually kept on all day. The teacher had knitted him a woolen cat as a gift. In the afternoon, we went in early to share their afternoon tea time. The children had made a banana birthday cake and they sang Happy Birthday to him before enjoying the cake and some fruit. He felt very special and thoroughly enjoyed the day.




The day after AJ's birthday celebration was the Easter celebration at school. The children watched a puppet show and then performed a little play. While that was happening, the Easter Hare gathered up the baskets they had made and hid them in the garden. In the baskets were a woolen bunny the children had made and a felted egg, about the size of a chook egg, they had also made and some wool for them to rest in. There were also some plant bulbs. The above photo shows AJ holding his basket and Nicholas excited for him.


While AJ's class was having the Easter Celebration, Sami's class had their performance as part of the Main Lesson Sharing that happens on a regular basis in the school. We missed it so the teacher gladly said they'd do a special performance just for our family. Here we are inside the classroom. Sami is the second student from the right wearing a brown shirt and black pants. The large wall hanging behind her is actually a woolen felted picture.


Sami, Nicholas and AJ on Easter morning.

What a busy time it's been lately! It started with celebrating my birthday a week early with my dear Dad and wonderful stepmum Frankie who called in on their way back from a trip to Brisbane to celebrate the launch of a book that Frankie had helped to illustrate. She's such a talented artist and a beautiful person on many levels. We had a lovely time with them. Then a week later we had my birthday which was a lot of fun. Cary and the kids had made a vegan chocolate cake that we had for breakfast. Sami wanted to go to school but AJ took the day off and spent the morning with us swimming at Sawtell beach followed by lunch with friends at the Sawtell surf club. I had a few surprise guests and had a great time. We made a yummy mexican dinner in the evening and just took it easy.

About a week later we had the celebrations at the school and then my sister and her family arrived for 4 days. We celebrated my birthday again, Easter and AJ's birthday early. After they left, we started preparing for AJ's birthday and party that he had on his actual birthday. We had 10 children, 3 toddlers and 5 adults plus our family at the party. After meeting here, we walked across the street to the playground to play. We were going to go down to the creek and run and splash there, but the kids were all having a good time at the playground so we just stayed there for a while. Then we came back over to our place for lunch and cake and more playing. It took us quite a while to get it all together between cleaning the house and making all the food but it went smoothly and a good time was had by all.

Since the party, we've been checking our clothes status for winter gear. The days are still beautiful here, usually in the mid to high 70's F. Though the nights and mornings are getting cooler. I took AJ to Target to get him some more long pants but he found everything too scratchy and uncomfortable. A pair of kids jeans there are $25! Yesterday we went to some thrift stores and ended up finding him 8 pairs of long pants of various kinds and colours that he actually liked and worked out at an average cost of $1.50. So I think we're all set for winter now. Nuke has enough clothes but we'll see if he will actually wear them. He's so particular about what he will wear.

We've still been playing lots of games here. Sami has really gotten the hang of mancala and sees the strategy of it. AJ can be walking past, look at the mancala game in progress and within seconds see how everyone should move. AJ constantly amazes me with some of his statements and questions. I'll never forget the question he asked one day about a year ago when he was just 5 years old. We were in the car on our way home from a gathering with our Life Learner friends. He was quietly gazing out of the window when he said "..what if WE were the ones in the snowglobe?"

Sami's been amazing us lately too. Her thoughtfulness has shown a maturity we were not expecting at this age. She's mellowed with AJ and they do not have the same number of challenges that they used to. She's been a really great helper with Nicholas and around the house in general. She has made some amazing connections in her own life that show how she is integrating herself into the larger world out there and how that all fits into the family life. I won't go into specifics, but it's beautiful to watch her blossoming right before our eyes.

Nicholas is incredibly busy. He is speaking more every day. He knows the names of a lot of the local birds and animals and can recognise some of the bird calls, like the kookaburra. Mind you, that is pretty distinctive, but we haven't heard them a lot lately so I was amazed when we did hear one the other day and Nuke said "burra!" We had three kangaroos grazing 3 feet away from our family room window yesterday evening. Nuke knew to be very gently and quiet while watching them graze. Which is amazing because most of the time he goes non-stop like a pile of nuclear energy. He confidently rides a three-wheeled scooter and every day he gets on the tricycle to see if his feet will touch the pedals yet. I must get him a small trike for his 2nd birthday in about 8 weeks time. And loud! Oh my goodness! He certainly wants to be heard.

I'd better get going. I'm going to pack a picnic and we're going to go and check out a gold mine near here. Then on to a labyrinth that I saw a sign for. I'm fascinated by swirls and labyrinths. I got some sidewalk chalk and drew some labyrinths on the pavers at the side of our house. They were great until the rain washed them away. Now I'm playing with a new design to try. Speaking of swirls and things, have you seen the go gratitude site?
www.gogratitude.com/masterkey/ After watching this, you can sign up for the 42 day experiment which consists of daily emails which are lovely. I thought I had a pretty good appreciation of my life, but the emails did help to deepen that.

Today is the day after...

AJ's 6th birthday. We all had a great time. I'll blog about it later and post some photos. I feel a little wiped out today but just wanted to post a little hello to my dear friends and family here. So "hello". I miss you.

After reading the last post...

...Cary said to me "you're still struggling with this?" (releasing attachment). The answer is definitely no - I am not struggling at all. It's just that every now and then a small little feeling pops up that I just didn't expect. I decided to blog about it as a very real part of simplifying - to let others know that these kind of feelings might pop up and it's ok.

My sister and her family came over for 4 days over Easter. It's so great that we only live 4 hours drive away and can see each other more often. It was strange to me to have Easter in the autumn again. It seems so right to have it in the Spring. Easter here is just done differently than in the US. The plastic eggs we used to get to put our own fillings in are just not available here. Back in the US, we would put crystals, coins, stickers, and some candy in the eggs. Here, it's all about chocolate! I had bought our children a chocolate bunny each. So did my sister. And she had a ton of little chocolate eggs to do an egg hunt with. So AJ was in heaven! I'm sure it reminded him of Halloween (which is not celebrated here). So whatever hemisphere we are in during the fall, he will have a candy fest to look forward to!

The weather is still beautiful here. The days are warm enough for swimming, but the evenings and mornings are getting cooler. The kids have 3 weeks off school and we are exploring our local area a bit more. We just heard about some waterfalls about 15 minutes away from our house. We knew of some an hour away, but we'll have to check these out this week. We've been playing lots of games and are really into Mancala at the moment. When I play with AJ, I can see him thinking several moves ahead whereas Sami just plays by luck. Interesting how different they are. At the moment, they are having fun playing Polly Pocket together. An Ibis just walked past my window and a kangaroo is across the road. The rainbow lorikeets are chattering and the plovers are looking for breakfast. We are off to a friends farm to see his different crops - mainly bananas which are almost done for the season and pumpkins. My Mum is popping in this afternoon on her way back from visiting my brother. He had radiation treatment on the cancer in his neck last week. He was very sick afterwards but is getting better now.

Better go and grab a shower. Ah dear, I won't have time to work out, what a shame! I've gotten very slack about "working out". It seems like such a chore. I have so much more fun going for a walk along the beach or for a swim.

Every now and then...

...I get a pang - of what, is it grief? longing? - for some of the material stuff we left behind. It's not as strong as it used to be, and it is getting less frequent, but it still comes and I didn't expect that. It's usually directed towards a few specific books - which I know can be replaced but those specific copies already had my energy in them. Also, some of the kids toys and games. I think I was more attached to them than the kids were! Probably because I put a lot of time and thought into shopping around, getting good deals and organising their room.

I think what I'm feeling is a sense that I wasn't quite finished with those things. Some of the books, I may not have even read yet, but planned on doing so. Some of the toys and games the kids played with a lot or a little but they might have wanted to do so again as we had such a good time in the past with them. Things they might have grown out of could have been passed on to Nukie.

At least we had a choice of what to bring with us. It's not like some natural disaster wiped us out of everything. I still have all of our photos and special mementos. We brought some great toys with us and we've found some other fun toys. I brought some of my other favourite books and have found new favourites at the library and second hand book stores.

Most importantly, we have each other, we have this beautiful area and we have right here, right now to create in whatever way we want. Nothing is more important.

Material stuff is going to flow in and out of my life. That's ok, it's all only background props to the real play of life that is happening with the people front and center.

On the odd occasion when those little pangs do still come up, I will just need to take a moment to remember the fun or the lesson in the item, thank it and let it go and I'll go and hug someone here and be filled with gratitude that they are here and we are together.

Priorities. Perspective. People before things.

I am woman!

I've been feeling very connected to my family recently. My own little family that is. I've let go of the feeling that I had to contribute in some financial way and am focusing on contributing in other ways that I am rich in.

I used to think that if I brought in a bit of money, that Cary wouldn't have to work as hard or much. I also thought that I would somehow be thought of as more valuable or interesting or clever if I was able to bring money in. Over the years, I have dabbled in different things that I thought might be the way to go to bring in a little extra income while still being a full time Mama. They did not bring in a lot of money, they only added to my stress level and took me mentally away from my family for longer than I care to admit.

When I think back to when I was a little girl, I loved to play with the couple of dolls I had. I couldn't wait to be a mother. I loved to play with young children and do babysitting. Then I joined the workforce and saw the recognition that can come with having a paid position. And the fun that came with the things that the money could buy.

I was 32 when Sami was born and I was ready to be a mother. I had gotten a lot of wild girl ways out of my system and I was ready to settle. Being a mother was the best thing that happened to me. It touched me deeply and I was so satisfied. Somewhere along the way as we started spending more time with other mothers, I found myself comparing myself to some of the other Mamas. For example, the homeschooling mother of 4 who ran her own successful online business and childbirth education classes who also found time to write a book. Ok, she had family living nearby and I'm sure they helped out but still..it got me thinking. Other Mamas were working from home or, I felt, just doing a better job of being a Mama. I started to feel inadequate on many levels. How long have I wasted feeling like this? I felt like I should contribute financially to the family and do something of significance to the world. I've started several websites that have never been finished or published.

I've come to the acceptance that this is not the time for me to do those things. This time in my life is meant to be devoted to the family, what could be more significant than that? I am back in touch with my strong Mothering connection including the type of Mama I want to be and the type of life I want for my children. This is where I make the most important difference in the world - in their lives. There will be time later for me to devote more time to changing the world. In the meantime, I'll do it in whatever way I can that does not detract from my goal of being the Best Mama I Know I Am. I am valuable and interesting and clever right now with what I do.

I no longer feel concerned about other peoples judgement when they ask me what I do and I tell them I am a full time Mama. But I will not say that I am "just" a Mother because I am so much more than that. I will tell them with passion that I have the Best job in the world - I am a Mother, a Wife, a Lover which all wraps itself neatly into the statement "I am Woman!". Perhaps the significant difference I can make in the world (besides the differences I make in the lives of my family which is huge in itself), is that by letting other people see how proud and passionate I am about this role, I can make changes in their attitudes. When I have extra time, I will still work on one of the websites but I won't aim to make it as big as I thought it should be before it gets launched. I'll launch it small and add to it as I can.

I am so proud of my relationship with Cary. I feel grateful to have a mate that makes me feel like a woman and supports me in being a Mother. The love and respect he shows me fills me with gratitude. I am also grateful that I don't have to get paid work because he values what I do so much that he is happy to provide that. It frees me up to focus on the areas of life that are my strengths - loving and nurturing, which are priceless. I know I have the best gifts right here in this home with these awesome people. I feel fulfilled and satisfied. Every day I have the chance to create my day the way I want it. I want it full of love and adventure and joy. And you know, you get what you focus on!

Come on 42, this is going to be a GREAT year! I am woman, I am proud...look out!

Early morning

It's very early in the morning and, once again, I am awake. It's so rare these days that I can sleep a whole night through. I try to sleep, but once my mind is awake, it likes to take advantage of the quiet to think about things.
The kids had last week off school. In the beginning, they were not well with a fever but towards the end of the week, they were much brighter though still not 100%, so we took a short trip up to Brisbane. We looked around north Brisbane on the coast, saw my brother and came back the next day. We did not like that area so we are fully focused on the Sunshine Coast and just need to narrow down where in that area. I'm excited. This whole process has been interesting. I thought I was free-spirited enough to just pick up and go when we first thought about it but then emotions and some practicalities got involved. I thought about the friends we'd made here, the school, the quiet beautiful area we live in, the fact that we had only recently moved and I was enjoying feeling settled. But now I feel unsettled and restless and eager to go. I had to work through all of the feelings that came up and acknowledge that they were valid. But I also realised that some of the fears surfacing came from a lack mentality, from me thinking that it couldn't be as good somewhere else. I know that some of the friends I've made here will keep in touch, and that there are new friends waiting to be made. I know that there are other beautiful areas waiting to be explored and appreciated. I know that there are plenty of options regarding the children and "education" and that the children are more adaptable than I was giving them credit for. I have been working on strengthening my relationships with my children - really connecting with them, giving them more affection and one-on-one time and communicating in a more honest and open and direct way. I am feeling stronger as a parent and as a person. I am putting my family first instead of spreading myself too thin by trying to work on other projects and do other things. By keeping the family strong, we can do anything together!

On the way back from this recent trip, as we got closer to home, Sami said that she did not want to go home, she wanted to keep travelling around. I told her about a classmate of hers that would soon be leaving to travel around Australia with her family indefinitely. Sami's eyes got wide with excitement and thought that sounded like a fabulous idea.

I've started looking around this house and seeing things that I don't use or want anymore. We're going to have a big clean out in the garage which still has boxes of things there from my previous life here and things we had sent over from the USA. Then I'm going to start a box for us to put items in for a future yard sale to have just before we move (if I can wait that long!). Our house isn't junked up, but I want to keep on top of things so that it doesn't get to that level again.

Nicholas is growing so fast and is moving into a whole new stage which is very fun. His use of verbal language is increasing and his imagination is taking off. He's like AJ's little shadow at times but also definitely has his own opinion on how things should be. And loud...oh my goodness. Was I ever wrong for thinking he would be the quiet one!

So life is good. I'm glad we have the 3 extra months here to just enjoy the great things about this area while we are here and plan how we want things to be when we do move.

Swirling

Our recent trip north was interesting. The day we arrived was the hottest and most humid they'd had for years. Cary, Sami and Nicholas do not do well in the humidity and we were wondering about our plan to move there. After talking to several locals and realising that this was not typical weather, we pursued our fact-finding mission. We looked at several areas and houses. We narrowed down the area we like and almost put an application in on a rental house. At the last moment, we decided to go back to our plan of waiting another 3 months and focusing more on business and make sure that area will be suitable for a base. Cary has had some interest in the idea of importing American cars and we would be closer to the port of Brisbane. But would we be close enough? Should we be even closer in? We still love the Sunshine Coast but need to look around a bit more. Maybe if we go about 15-20 minutes inland, we can get some land and have a big vege garden again.

While we were away, we bought a 1995 Toyota Landcruiser with dual fuel. Petrol and LPG (liquid petroleum gas). The gas is much cheaper than petrol and more environmentally friendly. So we feel good about the choice and have a much nicer, larger vehicle to travel in than the small station wagon I bought when we first arrived.

We did not make it to the homeschooling group as I was getting rather stressed and overwhelmed by the thought of moving, trying to find a place, wondering if it was the right time, etc. I could not then make a decision concerning a change in the children's education. Mostly because I doubted my own ability to be able to homeschool again. Some families make it look so easy. I find it hard to give everyone what they need, especially with a toddler being so needy. I feel like I let Sami and AJ down on our last go around, neglecting them at times and just not doing enough with them. In my heart, I know that I would like to do homeschooling again, but it would have to be a bit different. I would need to establish - and stick to - a rhythm. I would need to allocate time for myself most days, but to not get so caught up in my own projects that I ignore the rhythm. I would need to find suitable external classes in music and crafts for Sami and whatever AJ would like. I need to find more patience and remember that I didn't learn all of the times tables the first couple of times - it took a lot of reinforcement. My children may not remember our family rules and values, which give us comfortable boundaries of what is acceptable, the first 5 or 20 times either. It takes patience, love and reinforcement. In the past I have been too laid back as a parent, not wanting to cause any damage to the children's self-esteems. But in the process, I've not been fair to them with not establishing clear boundaries so they don't always know how far they can go with something. I would get myself so frustrated that I would build up steam and eventually blow my top (so much for saving their self-esteeem ah dear). I would need to find a great community of like-minded families. That is something I really enjoy about the Steiner school. Sometimes when we drop the kids off, we spend an hour at the school chatting to the friends that we've made. Sometimes we'll go to the beach with them for the day, or out to lunch, or for a barbecue after school. We've done more socialising as a family and as a couple in the short time we've been here than we ever have. Of course the fact that Cary is not working all the time makes that a lot easier, and having great weather to be out in also helps. So what else would make homeschooling work again for us? A real shift in knowing how learning occurs, remembering and recognising that learning is happening all the time whether we're watching tv, playing at the park, or reading a book. Remembering respect for the unfolding nature of the children. Being more mindful of daily moments. Not having huge to-do lists that take away from spontaneity. Living more gently with myself, my family and my environment. I also need to deeply consider where the children would thrive best. We have had so much swirling around here trying to decide what to do and where to go that, for now, I think they are in the best situation at the Steiner school. If we can get settled somewhere, then we can reconsider.

Besides all of the above, I've been swirling in my mind about life in general. As I approach my birthday, I feel myself questioning my satisfaction with my alignment. Am I living life as deeply as I could? Am I satisfied with compromises I've made? Where does my focus need to be for the next 12 months? Which of my projects should I be working on? This birthday I will be 21 for the second time. What are the most important lessons I've learned from the past 21 years? What do I hope to do better in the next 21 years?

I've come a long way, I just need to clarify where I'm going and how I'm getting there.
Gentle strength and compassion are keys. As are Gratitude and Giving.

Enough rambling for now, time to try and get some more sleep. The kids have been passing a fever around and now it's Nuke's turn though Sami's still not over it.