Back into the light...

A few days ago I wrote a blog entry that I did not post.  It was written from a dark place that I had gotten myself trapped in (again!).  Thankfully these episodes do not happen too frequently and I know that they do actually serve a purpose.  They signal that my life is not in alignment with Who I Really Am and they give me the motivation (after some wallowing... no, that's not how I want to see it.  How about..after some processing..) to climb out of the rut.

I think I only slip into those dark places when I've slowly let go of things I love to do.  It's so easy to blame other people or forces for that.  In my case I was partly blaming the weather for being too cold / wet / windy for getting out and riding or walking.  I also got trapped into thinking that it was because my body is physically changing as I get a little older (hormones etc).  In thinking about how I'm getting older, I feel like I actually look older. I thought I had been aging fairly gracefully, but this was like a sudden aging and it shocked me.  I've been feeling very tired and my motivation to do anything much over the basics, went way down.  Basically, I just have not been comfortable with myself and I stuffed those feelings down with extra food, and food that I don't usually eat.  Food that I know does not serve me well or give me energy.  Of course I put on weight so then I was a fat old lady in my mind.  Not very empowering at all.  I think doing the vision board recently got me thinking about how I really want to feel, which was good, but then I got stuck in thinking of all of the reasons why that might not happen.  Self-sabotage at its finest.

I got to the point where I said "ENOUGH!".  I have a lot of positive experience to call upon.  Times when I felt fantastic and energetic, ranging in scale from a whole bunch more than I did at that low point, to times when I was bursting with energy all day.  I called upon all of those and replayed those feelings over and over in my mind, feeling those sensations in my body, remembering that energy...and I reclaimed my vibrancy!  The strength of my determination pulled me out of the quicksand and had me standing solidly on the rock of knowing what I need to do to manifest that in my body and my life.  I know that just wanting it is not enough and I need to actually DO things - playful movement and fueling my body with what I know nourishes it the absolute best.

I am not expecting immediate results, although after just a couple of days, my energy level has come up and my body is responding with more efficiency.  I am keeping in my mind the feelings of vibrant health that I have known in the past.  I know that I don't have the added metabolic benefit of being pregnant and/or nursing (that I had for almost 13 years straight) and that my biggest hurdle will be my own mind.  I'm up for the challenge!  I have set a 4 week goal  and am confident of achieving that.