Friday, March 28, 2014

a Letter to my Past....


Dear Past...

I am writing to express my immense gratitude for you.  If it was not for you, I would not be who and what I am right now.  That's a big deal.  We've been through a lot together....we've loved, we've lost, we've had adventures, we've been high, we've been low, we've cried, we've screamed, we've wandered aimlessly and we've pursued specific goals.  We've done a lot!  We've explored different countries, taken road trips to unknown destinations,  followed our passions, run away from our demons and known some incredible people along the way.

My clock has turned to 49.  As I enter my 50th year of this time earthside, the time has come for me to take what we have created and walk through a new door.  It's a new chapter in a juicy novel.

I take with me the products of the lessons we've shared.  The actual processes, dramas and passions no longer matter for I am moving beyond what was.

I am releasing the hold that you have on me.  I know I've worked on a lot of that over the years and this step comes as no real surprise.  This new phase that I have been easing into has shown me the residual aspects that I was still carrying.  The growth that we've shared has been integrated.  In that way, we are One.

In order for me to move forward and embrace the next phase of my life with Grace and depth and unconditional Love, I need to do this.  To shake off the parts of you that no longer serve me. You had a stubborn grip on me still, but we both knew that this day was coming.

I feel like a snake, shedding its skin, though my 'skin' is within me as well as in the Light around me.  Perhaps a better analogy would be that of the caterpillar turning into a beautiful butterfly... I've always imagined myself with wings!  The urge to do this feels as necessary as taking a breath.   I couldn't stop it if I tried, I would only get more uncomfortable the longer I delayed this.

I love you.  I embrace you with tenderness and gratitude.  And I release you.

In Joy,

Me



Some people may think that I am finally "growing up"...I don't subscribe to that notion.  I think that I am evolving.  To me, "growing up" brings with it some sense of stability.  I don't expect that, and I don't want it either.  I like the area we live in at the moment, but I am totally open to moving somewhere else and even getting back on the road indefinitely.  I like adventure and an amount of uncertainty.  I like to play and be "like a child".  I still have a cheeky girl inside of me that wants to walk on the edge, who dances in the aisle at the supermarket, who likes to do whatever she likes.  The neat thing about getting older is that I care much less about what other people think about what I do.  It's a good place to be.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

random pics...

AJ has been doing a sailing course with one of our homeschooling groups.  He's learning on the little two-person boats and is having an 'awesome' time.  He particularly likes it when it's really windy so they can go fast!  In this picture, he is the one of the left with the red helmet on.




How beautiful are these watermelons?!



With the type of archery we are doing, we get to go on different courses on the property.  The courses weave through the bush with targets set up in various challenging places.  In some ways, it's similar to golf except there are a lot more trees in the way!  And instead of clubs and balls, we have bows and arrows...and no golf buggies.  Ok, so it's not really like golf at all.  Though our club does have a small "19th hole".  This is technically a hunting sport.  As a long-time vegetarian, I had a huge problem with the fact that some of the targets are a spray painted outline of an animal stencil.  They might be a pig, goat, duck, rabbit, fox, etc.  These pictures have an inner target painted on them which is a circle within a circle.  Those circles are my aim when I shoot and I do not acknowledge the wider design.   I do however, feel an inner primal satisfaction with this sport.  I enjoy walking through the bush with my wooden bow and arrows in the quiver along my thigh.   Yes, Robin Hood was always a fantasy hero of mine!   I appreciate the skill of the sport.  I am not going hunting and I would never intentionally hurt any animals.



Nicholas enjoys making tunes on the guitar.



Sami hanging out with other homeschoolers at Whitewater World..





Monday, March 17, 2014

This morning...this moment...

...the heady smell of frangipani's hanging on to Summer...more on the ground than on the trees.  I breathed in deeply, savouring the scent...

...the soothing Reiki music coming through my earbuds, soothing my soul as I push my physical body to walk fast...breathing deeply through my nose, filling my belly with my breath, feeling it release...

...the smiles and cheery "good morning" greetings from other walkers on the track along the lake.  We've seen each other many times and there is familiarity and warmth in that brief greeting...

....the birds, waking up, chatting, singing, ready for a new day...such beautiful sounds that I can hear over the gentle music...

...so many thoughts...remembering lying in bed this morning, seeing the full moon still high in the sky, glistening across the water and through my open glass door, watching it's slow decent, shining light on the little man sleeping next to me...my youngest child...it won't be long before he will no longer want to sleep next to me when his Daddy is away...
...practical things...running through the "to do" list for today...
...pondering the nutritional book I've been reading, new information that I hadn't considered, could it be relevant, could it help this body regain some vitality? ...
...watching people head to their cars, heading out to work, no one is smiling...
...the man driving the street sweeper has thick grey hair and a bushy, long grey beard...I wonder if it's hot during the summer?...I wonder if he gets asked to play Santa Claus...he sees me and smiles...he has kind eyes, he could easily be Santa...

...quietening my mind...tuning in to the music...my breath...this moment...this fragile, beautiful, fleeting moment...

Sunday, March 02, 2014

Trusting Money...


Early in life, I had a belief about money that there was "always enough".  That has served me well for most of my life.  When I was working and in charge of my own finances, I always had enough to pay the bills, buy a car, and do fun things.   Not "worrying" about money kept a space open for it to continue to show up.   Since being with Cary, he has mostly taken care of the financial side of life, but I still mostly kept with the "always enough" attitude.  I don't spend frivolously and I maintain a personal quest to find a great deal when we need or just want something.  Op shops, yard sales, Gumtree (the Aussie CraigsList), specials, etc...  

With Cary away,  and with me over-thinking life, I had been worried about money also.  As I found my way back to Trust that I mentioned in my last post, I let go of my fear about "not having enough money".  

Yesterday, after I had come back into alignment with my own Truths, I got a phone call to say I had won a competition I had entered randomly.  Two days ago, I had been shopping at my favourite little independent grocery store.  At the bottom of their receipts they have an entry form for a monthly drawing.  The current promotion is that they will pay your latest electricity bill.  And I won!  As we have solar panels, our last bill wasn't huge, but what they so happily gave me will probably pay for half of the upcoming car repair bill.  Even better than that though, when Nicholas and I went there to collect our prize, the owners took time to have a chat with us.  They were so interested in homeschooling and very supportive of what we are doing.  Really lovely people!   What a priceless moment of connection with other people - that's the real value in my life.