Fine Tuning…

 It’s been a while…so much has happened…but I am feeling inspired to write lately, so here we go..

One of the hardest things I went through over four years ago, was supporting my mother as a disease slowly took her life.  I have since learned that grief is not something that I will get through…it is always with me, but if I balance it with gratitude, I can move forward, even if I get stuck for a bit.

One year ago I was recovering from surgery for colorectal cancer.  At no point did I have the mindset of  “fighting cancer”.  This was something that my body had created…for whatever reason…and I chose to partner with cancer, and I would send love to my tumour that I nicknamed ‘Space Invader’.  I am so grateful for the experience, for the care and attention I received from the medical community, and for the love that I received from family, friends, and people I had not even met but who had heard my story.

When I was feeling stronger, I was trying to figure out what I was supposed to do with the pause in my life that cancer had given me.  I did not have any major insights, though I felt as though I should have.  I enjoyed the rest, as I had felt very present throughout the journey. 

I flip-flopped between going back to my work in childcare, or studying to redo my certifications in fitness so that I could help older adults and/or cancer patients, or offering massage, or some combination of all of those.  I went back to childcare, but still tried to fit the other options in somehow and ended up feeling like I was on a spiral going back and forth.

I took some time to really think about the realities of all of the options.  I chose childcare as my focus, and let go of the other options.  And it felt so good and so right.  I accept that I am a Natural Nurturer!  

Now that I have that clarity of Purpose, I am doing further study to give me more options in the future.  I like where I work - the location is peaceful and surrounded by bush land and animals, the team is the best I’ve worked with in this industry, and the children…I just feel such a heart connection.   I would however, like to open my own centre, or move to another centre that truly respects the children and has a bigger focus on creativity and play.  I have so many ideas, and my inner unschooler is dancing with joy!

Facing Reality...

 I actually wrote this on 19 May 2021..

My bathroom mirror lied to me...through its dim light and shadow, I thought that I wore a younger face.

What a shock!  Who’s that old woman?  Repelled by the image, I looked away and it was some time before I went to the window of truth to see the real reflection.  

What...what happened to my youth?  I sat with that feeling.  I accept the fact that I am 56.  I found it hard to accept looking like I was close to 60 years old.  (According to who??)

In this culture that glorifies the young and beautiful, I no longer saw myself as beautiful.  I actually don’t know that I ever really thought of myself as ‘beautiful’, but rather an acceptable average-looking person, and I was okay with that.  But I no longer saw even that.

I started thinking about places that I have been, adventures that I’ve had.  All of the times when I let my heart lead and some of the people that I met along the way.  Times when I stood up for myself, when I felt the fear but did it anyway.  

I’ve known a lot of love, and lust, and frustration, and anger, and resentment, and joy, and beauty, and adventure, and wonder.  I started feeling the amazing life that I have had.

My face, my companion through it all.  I smiled.  I’ve earned these story lines on my face.

I embraced the Triple Goddess in me.  I acknowledge my inner child and maiden, I embrace them and thank them for their gifts and lessons.  I acknowledge the mother phase in me.  Physically that phase is over and it was the greatest phase of all.  Although I can no longer give birth, I will always be a mother and that is my deepest honour.  I embrace all of the gifts and lessons that I have received in this role and I am so very grateful.

To the Crone that I am learning to be.  I can feel in me the Grandmother that I always wanted, but did not have.  Nurturing, fun, interested, kind, and so loving.  I embrace you and I take your hand.  Let’s walk this next bit together.  I am ready.