EmPowered!

So, I'm 50 years old.

Somehow, in a very quiet, deep part of me, I allowed a little belief to take hold.

One that said that at this age, I was just a bit past being Powerful.

One that said I didn't need to be Sexy or Strong.

One that said that "hormones" were responsible for my low libido, low energy, headaches, weight gain, moods, etc...

No.  No more.

I didn't even know that those thoughts were there, until I started turning that around, and I felt the difference.  They had crept in, despite my desire that I could bypass them.

They can go and take a flying...leap.  I refuse to accept that.

Going to the gym consistently has been a big part of the turnaround.  Especially now that I'm really seeing results.  I don't work out as hard as I used to years ago, because my body, and my mind, are not what they used to be.   But as my body gets stronger, so does my mind.

Other things that have helped is having some awesome friends, my amazing family, getting back to reading something inspiring every day, being on social media less often, being a part of some wonderful community groups, and of course, my husband, who always encourages me to pursue and create what I most desire.

I'm feeling my Wild Woman rising!!

I'm feeling like I could do anything!

I love this quote below, it's one that has driven me for half of my life.  A few times I've forgotten it, but it always comes back to remind me.

What about you?  Are you feeling your magnificent strength and power?  Are you holding back from sharing your Light with the world?  You don't need to anymore.... give yourself permission to live without regrets!

Forgiveness...

To all of the people out there that I have hurt along my journey, whether directly or indirectly, with my words, actions or thoughts..... please know that I am truly sorry.  By hurting you, I also hurt myself and delayed love.  I hope that you can find a way to forgive me, as I am finding ways to forgive myself.

In Love,
Annette

Progress report...

One of my other blogs was about "my personal journey back to vibrant health".    I like feeling healthy and strong and in balance - mentally, physically and spiritually.  As a kid, I was always pretty active.  Not in a sporty way, but in a "let's get out of the house so that Mum doesn't make us do chores" sort of way!  My brother and I, and sometimes my sister, would go for long bush walks or bike rides or go to the golf course close to us to look for stray golf balls.  In the warmer weather, we would spend hours playing in our pool.

As I got older, my pendulum swung between party girl and health nut.  At times, the two tried to co-exist, but that didn't work.  Eventually though, the health girl won out!  Twenty years ago, I was even working in the health industry as a personal trainer and aerobics instructor, while also working as a Reiki practitioner.

Since having children, it has been my priority to stay at home with them and this is the best 'job' I've ever had!  I love our unschooling life!  Having young children, it's impossible to Not be active!  When my youngest one weaned about 5.5 years ago, my body started to change and I've had an ongoing quest to try and balance it and regain my vibrant health.  Peri-menopause was also thrown into the mix so it's been an interesting time!

I've tried tweaking my vegan diet and all kinds of different exercise plans, but my body has not been responding the way that it used to.  I stopped trying to get to a specific number on the scale, and just put dedicated effort into getting fit.  Four months ago, we joined the local pool / gym.  I started going, but it took my body a little while to get used to lifting weights again.  I'd get headaches and muscle aches and not go back for a few days.  I didn't realise just how out of shape I'd gotten!  I almost felt embarrassed that I used to work in the fitness field and had allowed myself to get like that.  But I decided to be gentle with me.

Slowly, slowly, my body started adapting, and getting stronger.  I now spend more time running than just walking on the treadmill.  I am adding in some of my old tricks in the weight room.  I used to do up my belt on the third hole, now it's on the fifth one!  My clothes are feeling a bit looser, my energy is picking up, my moods are more even.  I can do a handstand and hold it for 60 seconds!  Okay, so my feet are against the wall, but my arms are strong and holding me up!  I decided to weigh myself today...In the past four months, I've lost four kilos, dropped body fat, increased muscle and I am well on the way to shining with vitality!  I love this feeling!  It's not about how I look, it's about how I feel!  Once I remembered that, the way I look started to change anyway!  Onward onward!

Move aside .. Free Spirit Life...

I like blogging.  I don't do it often, but I enjoy it.  I like it so much that I created a bunch of different blogs for my different interests...including Spirituality, Reiki, the search for Peace, and Health.  I like setting up a new blog, the designing and the whole excitement that comes with a new project.  But that wears off.  Then I find myself with a list of blogs and starting to feel that I "should" do something with all of them.

As this blog is my main one, I'm just going to lump it all in here.  Simplifying my creative mess into one random, 'free-spirited', jumble of ramblings.  I might transport some of the posts from other blogs into this one, so I can close them down.  I'm also changing the name of this blog from 'Free Spirit Life' that it has been for the past 10 years, to simply Annette Love.

The term "free spirit" can mean different things to different people, some people associate it with the hippie, free-love, bohemians / artists.  But there's a whole other side...

* It's the quiet ones (or the loud ones or any in-between) that are true to themselves, however that presents in the moment.  Even if it's totally different from one day to the next.  It's not being afraid to live that truth whether it's the way you dress, or what you listen to, or the people you hang with.   It's being comfortable with going with "your" flow.

* It's about not getting attached to any one particular way of thinking or doing or being.

* It's about experimenting and following inspiration and taking chances.

* It's about letting go of the things that hold you back from pursuing passions.  Not just physical letting go, but also that of the mind - conditionings and patterns that block you and keep you thinking small.

* It's about respecting other people's rights to live how they want, without imposing your own beliefs on them.

* It's about living in the moment, making the most of Now... really feeling it and being present.  Connecting to life more deeply and feeling the Joy of authentic alignment.

Those interpretations of a 'Free Spirit' will always ring true for me, but I'm also much, much more!  Letting go of that name is liberating, and it gives me a focus on one place, instead of scattering bits of me all over the place.   So I'll be putting more of 'me' in here.  My life, family, love, health, food, ...my journey.

I like this outlet.  Writing helps me process and clarify stuff that's going on for me.  Maybe I've said the same thing over and over in here, but maybe I needed to.  I like to think that overall, I'm evolving.   I do feel a deeper strength emerging within me.  I like it!

Slow Down!

I keep hearing the message "slow down".  It's very insistent and comes to me at random times.

I'm listening.  

My happiest times have been when I've "slowed down" and been in touch with what is happening within me and around me.  When I've not been rushing to get to the next thing on the "to do" list.

I've been busy lately....who hasn't?!   Ask anyone what they've been up to...most people say "I don't know, but I've been really busy!"  Or maybe they do know, but they just don't have time to stop and have a conversation about it because they're itching to move on to the next thing.  Let's keep moving forward people, no time to stand still!   (I'm laughing at myself for doing these things.)

I've got a major project that I need to be working on, but I keep myself distracted and busy so that I don't have time to get to it.  It's the kind of thing that I really have to do, but I just don't enjoy doing it.  I've been having a lovely time doing loads of other interesting things...meeting up with friends, doing fun activities with the kids, going to the gym, and the list goes on.  Even doing housework and cooking is a good distraction from working on what I need to be doing.

When I think about the project, I start to feel stressed and overwhelmed.   When I think about it after a "slow down" message, I see how I can break it into little chunks in order to get it done.

I think that the "slow down" message is more than something to help me to focus and manage my time.  It's much deeper...it feels more urgent, like a reminder that life is rushing by and I'm going to miss some important things if I keep cruising by on the surface.

It's a reminder that the important things in life are the things that are felt with the heart.  It's not the material things.  It's the connection with other people, with nature, with Spirit, and with our Selves.

It's a reminder to really feel each moment...be there with my heart, not just my head.  

I'm grateful for receiving the message.  I'm applying it as much as possible.  I would like to be able to live it 24/7 as it's so important.  Simple, beautiful things like sunsets help me to remember.  Getting my "to do" list and scrunching it up and throwing it away works too!

We have got to stop the glorification of "busy"!

Nothing is more important than this moment. Right here. Right now!

In Joy!

Responsibility...

I observed a long time ago that:

If I don't expect anything, then I cannot be disappointed.

It worked well, but back then, it came at a cost of personal detachment and aloofness, when deep down, I wanted to be able to get close to people, I just didn't know how.  Probably because I didn't know how to be close to myself first.  Sometimes I'd go to the other extreme and get too attached and would give myself to someone to the point that I relied on them for how I felt.  I'm talking about family and friends as well as romantic situations.  I'd get hurt and jealous and disappointed.

As my personal journey has evolved, I feel these things much less often, but when they do pop up, it's a great chance for me to look at why... Had I attached expectations to something? Did I communicate my needs clearly?  Did I feel that I should have to?

I found myself getting disappointed recently.  I had originally posted here some of the details surrounding that feeling, the events and who did what... but that just felt gossipy and unnecessary.  The thing is, I had not been in alignment with myself, or with Love.  I had stopped doing my Love Meditation every morning as I had been jumping out of bed as soon as I woke up so that I could go to the gym.  My body has been getting stronger, but I have unbalanced my Spirit.  So the source of my disappointment, really comes back to me.   I had not communicated clearly, I had gotten stuck on thinking that I didn't need to, but ultimately, I had lost connection to myself in the process and somehow, the little "I'm not worthy" started to creep back in.  What to do about that?

Personal responsibility is the cure for disappointment.

I cannot expect anything from other people.  I don't mean that to sound bitchy, but seriously, when I take full responsibility for how I feel, then it's really up to me as to how I react to life.

I have tried being a cold, heartless bitch in the past, but it didn't feel right.  Being too open and trusting isn't exactly the right place either as it can leave me feeling like a doormat.   I feel the best when I have a balance where I feel strong and connected to myself first, then others.

I'm taking action and empowering myself!  I'm figuring out how to do things that I haven't done before.  Of course I am Worthy!  I'm also strong and smart and all-round amazing!  So are you!

I'm not going to complain about things I want done.  If I want something done, then that's MY priority.   It's not just physical things either, it's the emotional and spiritual side of life too.

I am responsible for my own happiness!!!

Once I truly own that personal responsibility, then I am more connected to myself, and that joy can be contagious!  I was thinking back to my recent birthday....when I didn't expect anything, and I was clear about a couple of things that I wanted to do.  I assumed responsibility for ensuring that "50" was going to be a fantastic celebration, no matter what happened, because it was already fantastic in my mind. And it really was.  Every day can be that.  It IS that, when I stay focused in Love.

By taking responsibility, I lose the mindset of "expecting" anything from anyone other than myself.  That whole source for disappointment only ever ends up in my court.  I own that, and every other feeling that happens within.  There is something liberating about that!  And it definitely leads to healthier relationships with all of the people in my life!

When I take responsibility for my own happiness, then I allow others to do the same.  We all need to know that we are Worthy of Peace and Love and Incredible Joy!

Fifty!!!

When I was younger, I thought that 50 was 'old'!  Ha!!!  I just turned 50 and I decided to have fun with it rather than being depressed.  Why should I be?  Not all people get to see this milestone, and I am grateful for it!  

My silly mood was infectious!

In recent years, my body has gone through some very interesting changes which I find fascinating!  As both a participant and an observer of this dance...the band is changing mid-song and there is an awkwardness amongst the players (hormones etc) as they try to find out where they are supposed to be sitting now.  It's as though the sheet music has blown in and landed skewiff on the music stand.  It's sometimes loud and bold, sometimes soft, sad, light, lovely and/or playful or deep and thoughtful.  I never know what to expect, so I just go with whatever is playing, learning more about acceptance along the way.

Like a river, I'm flowing with it.  All of it.  The wild rapids and the still ponds.

I believe that my body knows what to do.  It's survived everything else in the past 50 years, including the chemical shitstorm that I threw at it in my teens and twenties.  It's known how to build, birth and feed three beautiful babies.  I figure that it knows how to handle this next dance as well!

In my acceptance of these physical changes as well as the fact that I am no longer physically young, I am free to live with more Joy!

My Grandfather, who lived into his mid-90's, used to say "I'm just a day older than yesterday!"  I've integrated that mindset and I've had the best, happiest, and most fun birthday ever!

I've observed that every decade of my life has just gotten better!  Each has had its own set of wonderful highs and crushing lows.  But with time, my ability to ride those waves has improved.  I know that I won't be stuck in the troughs for long, and I know to deeply appreciate the crests when I'm there.  Over all though, I have a sense of inner calm which was definitely missing when I was physically younger.  It's a place that I keep returning to, even when the band starts playing out of tune.

This, right here, is such a good life!  I love this wild, crazy, beautiful, graceful, absolutely lovely dance!

So, on my actual birthday, all that I wanted to do was to go to the beach and watch the sunrise (5:53am).   Then I wanted to dive into the waves at the same time that I was born (5:55am).  It was handy that the two things were so close together!   

What I didn't know though, was that Cary had arranged for my Mum, sister Ros and brother-in-law Bob, to come up the afternoon before my birthday to start a three-day celebration of ME!   It was such a thrill to come home the day before my birthday and find them making a lot of noise in the holiday-rental-townhouse right next door to ours!   I looked out from my bedroom balcony to the pool area in the neighbours yard and I saw my Mum and Ros blowing those celebration blower thingys,  and Bob and this in the pool:

I just had to dive right into that!  (Not from my balcony though!  I did walk around and hug and cry on everyone first!  It was good that the kids and I had just come from Wet n Wild so I was still in my swimmers.)

One of my favourite aunts and her partner came to visit that first night and we all went out for dinner that night at a local vegetarian restaurant.  The next morning, my actual birthday(!), my family, my Mum, Ros and Bob all got up around 5am and started getting ready to go to the beach.  We got there as it was getting light.  I wrote a big 50!!!!! in the sand and we danced around, or sat and watched the sky as we waited for the sunrise.  

After basking in its magnificence for two minutes, we held hand and ran into the water before I let go and dived into a beautiful breaking wave.

Mum and I

Oh wow, it was such a happy, fun, joyous time!  The whole weekend went too fast!  After playing on the beach, we went for a walk, then out for breakfast at this place in the photo below, overlooking the ocean, watching the amazing show put on by the combination of clouds and rising sun:

After getting changed, all the girls went out op-shopping and came home to find my brother and his wife on their way to stay for the night!  My sister and Mum had prepared a slideshow of my life which was lovely but quite long...well you know, it was 50 years worth!!!... so we needed a long intermission in between watching it!  I made pancakes for everyone the next morning and we went to some markets after a swim.


Not only was the weekend with my family wonderful, but some very lovely friends had done some special things to help me celebrate my birthday.  I am so grateful for them!  They have become my extended family here!

I feel so loved!  And I am so deeply grateful to Cary for arranging the surprise and so many other details of the weekend.  I am grateful to my children for helping with the planning and keeping the surprise!  I am grateful to my Mum, Ros and Bob, for driving all the way up here to spend this time with us, and for so many other wonderful things that you did to make the weekend truly magical!  They went above and beyond and I am so honoured and amazed and still on a high, though I miss them like crazy!

Vegan Pumpkin Pie

A sweet pumpkin pie is traditional in the USA for Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations.  I have been making this pie for many years, at any time of the year, and it's always very popular.  We haven't quite decided if we prefer it warm out of the oven with some vegan vanilla ice cream melted over the top, or cold out of the fridge.  Both ways are great!   It's easy, cruelty-free and delicious!  In Joy!!

VEGAN PUMPKIN PIE

Crust:

1 1/4 cups flour (I like wholemeal spelt, but use what you like)
1/4 tsp salt
~ mix these together then add:
1/2 cup vegan shortening (in Australia, I use Nuttelex)
~ rub together, mixing well, then add:
1 Tablespoon water (use a little more if you need to)
~ knead for 1-2 minutes to form a ball of dough.  Wrap in greaseproof paper and chill for 30 mins.   Roll into a pie plate.  Prick holes in the bottom before adding filling.  (no need to pre-bake)

Filling:

340g (3/4lb) tofu
1/3 cup coconut oil
1 teaspoon salt
~ put these into a blender and blend until smooth.  Then add:
1 cup packed brown sugar
3 Tablespoons flour
425g (15oz) cooked pumpkin (I steam mine; you can use canned)
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
3/4 teaspoon powdered ginger
1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg
2 teaspoons vanilla
~ blend well

Pour into pie crust.  Bake at 180 C / 350 F for 40 minutes.

Enjoy!

Love Meditation...

Before I get out of bed in the morning, with my eyes still closed, I imagine warm light coming down into the top of my head and I say to myself

    I am aligned with Love

I continue to move that light feeling slowly down my body, filling each area.
At my forehead, I say

    I think with Love

At my eyes,  I see with Love

At my ears,  I listen with Love

At my nose,  I inhale Love... I exhale Love

At my mouth, as I exhale   I speak with Love
                       as I inhale    I eat with Love

At my heart, as I inhale  I feel with Love
                     as I exhale  I radiate Love

At my solar plexus,  my strength is Love
                                    my power is Love            

At my naval,   I move with Love
                           I create with Love

At the base of my spine,  I am safe in Love
                                            I am secure in Love

to my feet,   I am grounded in Love 

then..
           I am surrounded by Love
               I am filled with Love
                 Love is all that I am
                     I Am Love


~ At night time, I say the meditation in the opposite order as I am going to sleep.  If I make it all the way through, at the end, I repeat

       Love is all that I am.... I Am Love

Being love...

The recent shift that I experienced a month ago has stayed with me.  I've had a stress-free December.  Life has been flowing calmly and joyfully.  Two birthdays, a road trip and Christmas all within 22 days.  I've maintained a connection with Love and have been filled with ongoing Joy and Gratitude.

I have a "big" birthday coming up next year.  Several people have asked me what I'm going to do to mark the occasion.  I don't want a party.  I have thought of maybe going on a retreat by myself for a few days.

I was thinking of what else I could do that might be fitting.  I thought about getting a tattoo...nothing big or flashy, just something simple, like the word "love" on my wrist.  Something that I would see regularly to remind myself of who I really am and what my purpose is.  Something like this:

or maybe this..

I really like this one, but it's just too big for what I was thinking:

So I was talking to Cary (who can't stand tattoos on most people, particularly females), and he asked me why I felt the need to do that.  I explained that I felt it would help undo some old conditioning and it would always be there to remind me of The most important 'thing' in every single situation, and what I want to be expressing and radiating at all times.  And reminding myself of what my essence really is.  That the petty, ego things around me, are not worth getting upset about, and leading to a deeper way of connecting with myself, others and life in general.

He asked me why couldn't I just BE that...why do I feel the need to put permanent ink on my "beautiful" body to remind myself of those things that I already know are inside of me?  Why can't I just pause and see the miracle that I already am?  Why don't I get a nice bangle or bracelet with "love" engraved onto it until I get to the point where I need no reminders, where I can just BE Love?

He would not have stopped me if I was hell-bent on getting the tat, but he asked me a question to get me to go deeper within myself.   At first, I was a little annoyed that he didn't just say "yeah sure...do what you want", but I see the wisdom in his question and I see that I do not need any 'thing' to remind me of my essence.  That maybe that 'thing' may even be a distraction and something that I relied on as a crutch so that I didn't need to step fully up to owning it, feeling it, knowing it deeply and living it all the time.  I need to stop making excuses and pretending that certain material things - even simple things - can give me the depth I am seeking.  That can only come from my heart.

I need to remember that everything that I do is (and can be even more so), an expression of love.  From taking care of myself and my family, interacting with others, all of it, ....every. single. moment.

And so it is.

Living Love...

I inhale love....

                  I exhale love....

.... just something I say to myself when I feel that I'm slipping into some old way of thinking.  When I'm out and about and the crowd or some other trigger has me wanting to go within and find a quiet space.  

I think I'm smiling more these days.  I know that I feel like I'm smiling inside of me more.

I am aligned with Love.

No grand displays, no major announcements, nothing flashy.  On the outside, it looks like nothing much has changed.  But oh, the delicious peace and lightness and freedom that I feel inside is just divine!

I'm finding that I'm much more aware of rote actions and thoughts that no longer serve me in Living As Love.  Petty judgements, reactions, random thoughts.  Sometimes they still appear, but they no longer feel good and they are soon replaced with a strong need to turn it around from a place of "What would Love do now?".  I get a feeling of how I would have preferred to act, and I put that feeling over the top of what just happened and aim to do it differently next time.  I'm learning.  And I'm being gentle with myself, because that's just how Love is!

I get excited doing things that would have triggered some anxiety or negative thinking in the past.  It's so wonderful to know that I can do it all differently....it's just a choice.  

Going into a crowded shopping mall, I am enjoying the music and the intention for Joy that it was created with.  I love watching shoppers choose gifts, thinking about people that they love (or at least like a bit).  

Underlying everything, I feel the steady warmth of Love.  I know that I am safe and secure,  and that's so good for my ego.  At the same time, my spirit feels free and light.  And happy.... so happy!

Joy to the world!!!

Pausing before I posted this, I had a scroll through my newsfeed on Facebook and found this, and I so agree with it:

LOVE IS YOURS

Greater perhaps than the joy of being loved,
is the joy of loving.

Greater perhaps than the drama of seeking love, finding love and losing love,
is being love itself.

Nothing and nobody
can stop you from loving, from giving love,
from opening your heart wide,
from shining as brightly as the sun itself,
illuminating everything in your path.

Love is yours, forever and beyond time.
It cannot be taken.
It cannot be destroyed.

For it is who you are,
before you were named.

- Jeff Foster  (lifewithoutacentre.com)

a touch of melancholy... and returning to Love

It's that time of the year again.

I am filled with memories and a little stuck on how to incorporate meaning into this most silly of all seasons.

I do not enjoy going to the shops, for the crowds of people and the Christmas music.  The music is what gets to me the most.  It's a strong connection to memories of my Dad, and to the 12.5 years I lived in the USA.  Over there, it was cold at Christmas, we had the fire going, we rugged up to go out at night to look at the Christmas lights around the neighbourhood.  It was like the Christmas that I had always seen in movies when I was in the hot Australian summer Christmas.  Yet, I always had an underlying homesickness.  Returning to Australia, I found that perhaps I had romanticized my memories.  Suddenly I was torn between two countries, slightly different traditions, vastly different climates, and the purpose of it all seemed always just out of reach.

Is this the year that I can find Peace with this season?

Today is Thanksgiving in the USA.  The first Thanksgiving that I experienced in the US was wonderful.  My new family there, having fun in the kitchen together to prepare special foods, enjoying feasting together....it seemed so much like Christmas without the pressure and presents and drama.  Every other Thanksgiving continued that feeling, even if we weren't always with extended family.  Being back in Australia, our family still celebrates Thanksgiving with a special meal and simple pleasures.

As a mother, I feel a large responsibility to make special occasions, well...special.  Is that realistic?  When my older two were younger, I feel that I was much more creative, not just at holiday times, but all through the year.  Yeah, I'm kind of over that now and have been for a while.  It's okay, because that was what felt right at the time.  We've all changed.  Being creative was just one way of making the holidays special.  Food is another way and a nice way of connecting to the past through dishes that we only make for those occasions.  Fairy lights, holiday movies and decorating the home are other ways.

Every day feels special to me, some days I remember that more than others.  Sometimes it takes a day on the calendar such as today, to give me pause to remember.  Sometimes it takes hearing a song, seeing the sunrise, a look from a loved one.  And sometimes, it's just there, underlying every single thing that I do.

....two days later....

I've been pondering this a lot, and I think I've been looking at it all wrong!

I've been pondering a lot of things lately, well for a long time, but I keep circling back to one central theme.... Love.  And how to incorporate it into every single thing that I do.  I've accepted that it is my mission, my purpose is to Just Be Love.  I'm working on unraveling some old conditionings and looking at how I could act with Love ALL the time.  It's the 're-acting' that I'm finding to be an interesting trigger.

So I've decided to look at the holiday season from a place of Love.  Once I owned that, I felt a wonderful lightness take over.  I no longer feel responsible for creating a meaningful, magical Christmas for my children.  I know that as I do all that I do, with Love, then that ripples out and creates a calm and loving home.  With more fun and light.  When I feel Joy, it's much easier for the rest of the family to feel Joy as well.

As a family, we are talking about ways that we can give the Christmas season more meaning for us.  We are looking at ways that we can be of service to our wider community, not just by donating money, but doing things that involve our time, given with Love.  This is something that I would like to continue throughout the year, by regularly looking at new ways that we can do this.

I've designed a Love Meditation that I use every morning as I wake up, and every evening before I go to sleep.  Throughout the day, I use parts of it when I remember.  I'm creating new triggers that help me to return to living each moment with the essence of Love threaded throughout.

I'm no longer dreading going to the shops, or anything else that lies ahead in the coming month.  I'm absolutely looking forward to it all, and to creating beautiful new ways of Being throughout the holidays and other times.

... feeling so light and free in my heart...

In Joy!  xo

on the journey...

This came to me via Facebook.  Oh how I relate..  I've had a lot of friends come and go as our paths merge then diverge...and sometimes merge again.   I can't spend too much time looking back.

More and more, I feel a sense of urgency, of time running out.  I don't know if it's because I'm now 49 and I am aware that I could well be over the half-way mark of this time here.  I feel the need to do "something more".  Why?  Do I need to leave a mark?  No, I've done that with my children and the people I've touched.  Do I think I will be held accountable if I don't do "more" with my life?  Like I'll get to the Pearly Gates and get in trouble for fart-arsing around, not always taking this life seriously, for not being more 'normal'.

What is my "sacred purpose" if it is not to Be Love?  

...In whatever way that manifests in the moment?  

People may look at me strangely, and judge me behind my back.  That's their deal.  

Sometimes I can be with a group of people and not relate to any of their stories.  It can be like they are speaking a foreign language, but it's one that maybe I used to know.  I have at times felt alone when surrounded by other people.  But I am very comfortable being by myself.


..... I found the above post in my drafts from about six months ago and decided to go ahead and post it with just a little addition:

 I now do not feel the need to explain myself, which is something I used to do long ago.  I guess you could say that I am pretty comfortable with who I am, where I've been and where I'm going.  

I do not currently feel the sense of urgency, but I do work on ensuring that at most times, I am doing exactly what I want to be doing.  I easily speak up and say what I need or want.  I have some really lovely friends.  The weather is warm and wonderful, I'm busy doing fun and interesting things...I guess you could say that I'm happily and deeply content.

Archery....

"ONE of the most significant features we notice in the practice of archery, and in fact of all the arts as they are studied in Japan and probably also in other Far Eastern countries, is that they are not intended for utilitarian purposes only or for purely aesthetic enjoyments, but are meant to train the mind; indeed, to bring it into contact with the ultimate reality.

Archery is, therefore, not practiced solely for hitting the target; the swordsman does not wield the sword just for the sake of outdoing his opponent; the dancer does not dance just to perform certain rhythmical movements of the body. The mind has first to be attuned to the Unconscious.

If one really wishes to be master of an art, technical knowledge of it is not enough. One has to transcend technique so that the art becomes an "artless art" growing out of the Unconscious.

In the case of archery, the hitter and the hit are no longer two opposing objects, but are one reality. The archer ceases to be conscious of himself as the one who is engaged in hitting the bull's-eye which confronts him.

This state of unconsciousness is realized only when, completely empty and rid of the self, he becomes one with the perfecting of his technical skill, though there is in it something of a quite different order which cannot be attained by any progressive study of the art."

~D.T. Suzuki~
Introduction "Zen and the Art of Archery"

Spring is here!!!!

I woke up at 4am today, the first official day of Spring.  So excited for Spring!  Really!  The weather has been spring-like lately, and Nicholas and I have been swimming in the pool.  We've been spring-cleaning and de-cluttering and the house is feeling light and the energy is flowing and feeling positive.

I love Spring (couldn't you tell?!).  I love the warmth, the colours, wearing light clothes, the sun shining on my skin, the flowers blooming, more tropical fruits coming in to season, lazy days at the beach, longer daylight hours...ahhhhhhhhh...

I felt like a kid at Christmas when I woke up today!  I lay in bed meditating for a while and sending love to some people.  After I got up and dressed, Nicholas and I went for a bike ride along the creek.  Home for breakfast of a delicious green smoothie...water, dates, bananas, baby spinach, kale, parsley, and vanilla stevia drops.  I've been enjoying green smoothies almost daily for at least 10 years and I always look forward to that part of my day.

We had to go out to an appointment but we left an hour early so I suggested we stop at the beach for a while....

...we ran and splashed and played, and watched the whales play out at sea...

Oh yeah!  Spring is here and I am so ready!  

Vlog...Being a Free Spirit...

I've been having fun teaching myself how to use iMovie on my Mac.  Time to take my blog to a new level and stretch my comfort zone.

change...

Do you ever get the feeling that things are about to be shaken up?  That change is close...and big or important change at that?   I feel it so close that I can taste it.  It creeps under my pillow at night and dances in my head.  Something is close.  Will I be ready?  Have I done enough?

25 August 2014

Hello again!!  Where does the time fly to?!   We've been keeping busy as usual, here's a little of the latest:

Sami got her braces taken off and looks gorgeous!

Nicholas and I walked over to where a big triathlon was taking place close to where we live.  We cheered on the last few swimmers as they got out of the water and made their way over to the bikes for the next leg.  We watched hundreds of competitors transition from the bike leg to the running section.  We were fascinated by the speed with which some of them adjusted their attire for running.  There wasn't a lot to be done, but some of them had shoes that could just be slipped on and tightened with a toggle while others had to do up shoelaces which slowed them down.  We hung around to watch the first dozen or so people cross the finishing line.  The guy in the picture below was the winner, and oh my golly...what a machine!  He just trotted over the finishing line, went over and picked up his young son and started chatting to people as if it was no big deal.  Two and a half hours of pushing his body to the max and that's how he steps over the line... Not even puffing.  Wow.   I wonder what it feels like to be that super-fit?!  

We joined a community garden!  We have our own allotment.  When we took it over, it was covered with nasturtiums, aloe vera, and grass.  Though I did find a few herbs under all of that.  I pulled out all that I didn't want, hoed, added extra soil and compost to get to the picture on the left.  Then I added some seedlings, and the photo on the right was taken today, several weeks later and after several days of lovely rain.  I've tried container gardening here at our townhouse, but I can't quite get it right.  One of the benefits of the community garden is that there are plenty of experienced gardeners around to guide us.

We've been to visit a big aquaponics farm which was really interesting.  Aquaponics is something that Cary has been interested in for a long time.  Our community garden is starting an aquaponics area though it is moving rather slowly as the local council got involved!

Sami has been enjoying doing weekly drama classes for homeschoolers.  She's starting to look at options for her future.  AJ has been busy growing like crazy!  He is just a smudge shorter than Cary, but it won't be long until AJ is taller.  AJ has been spending a lot of time exploring game technology and loves it.   Nicholas is still a vibrant little man and he likes to join me on my morning walk as he rides his scooter and chitter chats away while I keep a fast pace on foot.  I'm nowhere near ready for a triathlon though.  That's not on my bucket list anyway.   

The other thing is that I've been playing with iMovie on my Mac and having fun making movies!  I've finally decided to do a little vlogging...and it's a little, well, out of my comfort zone.  Starting this blog years ago was a bit of a leap after years of keeping my thoughts confined to my private journals. I admit to being rather critical of my writing and I have a whole bunch of posts that I have never made public.  So now I'm taking it to a new level and I am enjoying teaching myself how to use the movie making software.  

I just noticed what today's date is.  Twenty years ago today,  I accidentally went Vegan and have been that way for most of the past 20 years.  I'll have to make a little Vlog about it.  My health has definitely been better for it!

photos...

Cary brought back seven bows from the USA on his last trip.  Six of them are shown in this pic plus one that I had bought already.  One of the bows that he bought is a left handed one and he is going to sell it and we'll put that money into better arrows.  He got absolutely incredible deals at auctions over there.   Sami likes the compound bow style and Cary found the pink one for her.  Another is a perfect size for Nicholas.  I've picked a new favourite as has Cary, and AJ is still playing with them all but we think he's going to go with the very traditional Robin Hood style longbow.  It's a bit heavy for him  - as in the draw weight, not the actual bow.  So he's doing lots of push ups and trying to build his strength.

Family selfie!

Having fun at Movie World's Carnivale:   

It was fun to go on the rides at night time.  There were some different, southern style food stands around the place and the combination of it all....our family in the USA will understand this...I looked at Cary and said "smell that?"  he nodded and we both said "Ocean City!"  Oh my...it smelled just like it!  (Ocean City is a tourist beach destination in Maryland, USA)

Oh yeah, let's take another selfie!

I've probably posted a similar pic before, but we get some amazing sunsets over our front yard:

Surreal...

...surreal is the state that I have felt after coming out of the movies in the middle of the day, or going out for the first time with my baby after recently giving birth...everything is still functioning...time didn't stand still for everyone, just me, in that moment.

And so again, as I attempt to get back to my "normal" life after receiving the phone call..."come now, your Grandmother is dying".  Ten days later, 1500km, broken sleep, ...surreal...

My 98-year old role model.  Such a strong, determined and independent woman!  She was never afraid to speak her mind or demand perfection.  She travelled the world, sang, acted, played sports, chaired committees, coordinated social events as the Mayoress of North Sydney and Newtown and entertained the Prime Minister.  She taught me how to crotchet and body surf and how to play different card games - skills that I have passed on to my own children, and that have entertained me for many hours over the years.

We often holidayed at her home in Port Macquarie, she took us to all of the local attractions, picnics, scenic drives all around the area, fireworks and parades.  Her crafting skills were incredible.  She made most of the clothes for her five children when they were young, as well as many items of clothing for her grandchildren and great-grandchildren.  She loved to garden, and knew the name of almost all plants.  When I was about 12, she gave me a little silver heart pendant on a chain.  I have worn that more than any other item of jewellery.  I've replaced the chain several times, but the solid little pendant shows no sign of it's age.  I recall that the heart had belonged to another female family member as she told me the story at the time she gave it to me.  I forgot, and asked her years later, but by then, she had also forgotten.

She was a powerful matriarch, the oldest of 11 children, with only one sibling remaining alive.  Her mother, Anne, who I am named for, had picked up and left England when she was 17.  Set sail for a far-away land and adventure (yep, I come by it honestly!).  Grans father had been born on a boat from England as it sailed into the heads of Sydney.

My Gran was still feisty up until a few days before she passed when she had a fall.  She has been an inspirational role model.  As a child, I was sometimes a little scared of her, but as I grew into my own power, I appreciated her strength, and as I watched her operate, I was filled with respect and love for this amazing woman.

Gran, I am so glad that I had a turn to hold your hand and stroke your hair as the family sat around your bed telling stories.  I am so grateful for the many hours of care that my Mum has given you, as her stories of all of the big and little moments, keep you alive in our hearts.  I am so grateful that you had my Mum, as her own way of loving us has always made me feel important and loved.

Go in Peace and Joy my Gran...love and gratitude xoxo
...

My children spent time with their Great-Gran in those final hours, and again with her body when we all spent time saying a final goodbye.  I did not instruct them on how to behave, but I just expected that they would be true to whatever was right for them.  Their deep respect for the process and for the other family members present, was sincere and filled with love.  I am so grateful to have these amazing people in my life!