Sunday, January 10, 2010


I've been thinking about choices that I've made. There is a Doctor Who episode that shows two totally different outcomes when a main character turns left instead of right (or was it right instead of left?) Anyway, I've been pondering the many different forks in my path and trying to imagine Who I may have become if I hadn't followed this particular path. It's probably a pointless exercise to a certain degree, but it does lead me around to accepting that where I am is a result of all that I have done.

In imagining how things may have been different, I have unlimited options and can take my pick as to whether I want to paint it perfect or see the worst possible scenario. In reality...I imagine something in between, but I honestly wonder if the level of personal growth I've experienced in the past 17 years or so, could have been achieved if I'd walked a different path. Would the same lessons have come to me? Would I have been open to them? Would I be able to find the same depth of joy that I do in the simple, natural gifts around me? On my morning walk, as I catch a scent of jasmine, would it delight my spirit in the same way? Or would I not really notice it? Would I be able to listen to the birds with the same sense of appreciation? Would I be able to taste a fresh mango and marvel in the totally wonder-full experience that gives me now?

I am trying to figure out what has made me so delighted in my world? At what point was I so deeply aware and appreciative of life and living? Was it due to living away from Australia for so long? Maybe somewhat. Then what if I'd stayed here? I think it was good for me to leave for a while and to shake off my comfortable conditionings that were still with me, even though I'd been a bit of a gypsy. Was it a particular point anyway, or just many years of searching and reading and pondering and gradually opening up / waking up more and more?

If I'd stayed here, maybe I'd have more "stuff". A nice big house and lovely furniture etc. I may be caught up in a material world. I think another thing that was really good for me was letting go of a whole lot of the material things we had in order to move here. To realise that I just didn't need those things, that any attachment to them was draining me. I think this was a huge part of the lesson for me. Then to experience living simply for a year in the camper let me own that non-attachment lesson so that it became a real part of me.

You know what, it doesn't really matter how I got here, or what might have been. I am living this moment, right here, right now. Full of love and joy and at peace with myself for everything that has led me here. Also deeply grateful for all of the people that have ever been in my life, and those that still are, and for all of the experiences that I've had, even the dark ones, because they allow me to really appreciate the light. I feel so full, and so blessed.

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