It was a tough, emotional realisation, but one that I had sensed was coming.
My issue with Control.
Why? When did I first feel out of control?
Definitely when I started school, a couple of months before I turned 5. Possibly even before then.
I remember walking myself home from school when my mother was late in picking me up. New to being 5 years old, I was full of independence and a sense of freedom and adventure. I still remember what that felt like as that little girl. I was confident and not at all scared. When I finally did make it the long way home, I was surprised that my mother had called the Police and that everyone that we knew had been out looking for me. I didn't see what the fuss was. I was home. I'd had a great time. I remember feeling so free on that walk. Away from the teachers telling me what to do, how to learn, when to eat, when to go to the bathroom. Away from everything and everyone that I knew. Just me and my little legs taking their time, and enjoying every step.
As a child, I could feel that there was something so much ...More. I had tasted freedom, and I loved it! I had known it was there, but the severe reaction to me enjoying that, made for a big question in my young mind.
Years of schooling, church, society, peers. Control...think...do...act...please...play the game.
I had many spiritual insights as a child, but I didn't know what to do with them. As a teen, I continued a spiritual search, I became more interested in health, but also in any way that I could be free. I had an inner rebellion gathering force. Often it would leak outwards - smoking, drinking, drugs. Sometimes, I was just unkind to people that were genuinely trying to love me. I am not proud of any of that.
I wouldn't say that I was a "control freak". But it has been a way for me to maintain my independence. "No, I don't need help...I can do this by myself." But at the same time, I wanted to help others. My husband, my children, my family, friends and clients. I got in my own way, and didn't always allow others to do things their way.
Not all of the time. I've certainly had a lot of times when I felt like I was in the flow and accepting and allowing.
But there was still this control factor there, in the background. The band-aid that I had put on in order to cope with this world where I didn't feel that I could always just BE. I know that I held myself back.
In this world where there is just so much that I cannot control. Where there are so many things that affect me deeply. Where I just get so upset about the injustice done to other people, especially the children, also the animals and the environment. I tried to maintain control of my own little space. Maybe a little too much.
I now face that need to control. I feel how it is limiting me. I see that some of it was based in fear.
Fear of being 'wrong'.
Fear of not knowing the outcome.
Fear of needing to find a new way when I worked so damn hard to figure out the other way.
Fear of not wanting to put others out.
Fear of thinking that I am too selfish and I will hurt someone else (as I did in my teens and 20's).
Fear of shining too brightly and the safety of holding back.
(Wow. This is why I love writing...for the personal processing that happens. I didn't realise most of the things in this paragraph until I got out of the way and let it flow. wow.)
I thank Control for the perceived protection it used to give me.....I see its motive, realise that it does not serve me, and I release it.
I surrender to freedom!
I go deeper into Trusting that life is unfolding as it should.
Of course there is still a game to play, and things that need to be done in this life. But with a lighter mindset and a happy heart, I can be soaring even when I am paying bills or doing housework. With surrender, I can accomplish the exact same things, but with peace and calm and joy, rather than frustration and fear.
This life is just so interesting. The layers that we build up and then pull down! What a ridiculous, hilarious, clever process it all is!
It feels as though this was just another important realisation in this winding, roller-coaster, swirling path of really living as Love. This lesson has come up before, but I take it deeper this time.
I just need to remember: