Saturday, January 23, 2010

la la land

It's probably time to post again...I've been in some la la land mentally, which is actually a lovely place...and to think I achieved that without drugs or alcohol! Seriously though, I've been in a place of feeling detached from material things, and I've just been zoning in the moments, or maybe I should say 'zening in the moments'. whatever. 'blissing' would work too. I see some of my friends have been busy blogging and I am probably weeks behind in reading them. Maybe I'll catch up soon.

I have a 'to-do' list on the side of the fridge and I feel no pressure to do any of it. I've not been pushing myself like I used to. I really like that! I've actually been getting a lot done lately, and enjoying the process. Um, does this mean that I'm finally growing up? I feel more playful than ever though. What a lovely balance! Actually, I think the reason I feel more playful is that I take myself much more lightly these days. If something doesn't go the way I think it should, I am quick to let it go - even laugh it off - and move on. I was so not this way for sooo long. It feels real good.

We now have the framework in place for our new business to import caravans, boats, motorcycles, jet skis, and other fun toys from the USA. That took a lot of running around and I still have more work to do on the accounting side of things. Cary picked up two caravans last week and we went through the boxes of things he'd packed inside of them. He's very excited as his tool box is finally here so now he can work on all of those projects he's been putting off due to a lack of tools! The kids were excited as the water pistols they got from Zeb at his birthday party were amongst all of the goodies and this is perfect weather for a really good water fight! (Thanks Tara!)

The kids have been really patient while we've been involved with the business stuff, they've been playing together (Summer and Nicholas have been playing a lot with little figures and dolls), and playing electronic games and watching movies and enjoying swimming as often as we can get to the beach or creek. Which is not every day, but it's most days.

I am feeling so grateful right now.

I was waiting for Cary at an appointment last week and I picked up a magazine on a table next to me. I flicked through and saw photos of people who are "celebrities" some I recognised, some could have been people who live in the next street, I had no idea who they were and why they were famous and it wouldn't have mattered if I'd walked past them. But these people were being photographed doing ordinary things - shopping, eating out, swimming. Oh. My. God. "Normal" things. SO WHAT?! I just don't get that whole celebrity mania and why those people get paid such obscene amounts of money for going to work. That's a whole other kind of 'la la land' to me - one that is very much based on the material world. I'll stick to mine any day.

Sunday, January 10, 2010


I've been thinking about choices that I've made. There is a Doctor Who episode that shows two totally different outcomes when a main character turns left instead of right (or was it right instead of left?) Anyway, I've been pondering the many different forks in my path and trying to imagine Who I may have become if I hadn't followed this particular path. It's probably a pointless exercise to a certain degree, but it does lead me around to accepting that where I am is a result of all that I have done.

In imagining how things may have been different, I have unlimited options and can take my pick as to whether I want to paint it perfect or see the worst possible scenario. In reality...I imagine something in between, but I honestly wonder if the level of personal growth I've experienced in the past 17 years or so, could have been achieved if I'd walked a different path. Would the same lessons have come to me? Would I have been open to them? Would I be able to find the same depth of joy that I do in the simple, natural gifts around me? On my morning walk, as I catch a scent of jasmine, would it delight my spirit in the same way? Or would I not really notice it? Would I be able to listen to the birds with the same sense of appreciation? Would I be able to taste a fresh mango and marvel in the totally wonder-full experience that gives me now?

I am trying to figure out what has made me so delighted in my world? At what point was I so deeply aware and appreciative of life and living? Was it due to living away from Australia for so long? Maybe somewhat. Then what if I'd stayed here? I think it was good for me to leave for a while and to shake off my comfortable conditionings that were still with me, even though I'd been a bit of a gypsy. Was it a particular point anyway, or just many years of searching and reading and pondering and gradually opening up / waking up more and more?

If I'd stayed here, maybe I'd have more "stuff". A nice big house and lovely furniture etc. I may be caught up in a material world. I think another thing that was really good for me was letting go of a whole lot of the material things we had in order to move here. To realise that I just didn't need those things, that any attachment to them was draining me. I think this was a huge part of the lesson for me. Then to experience living simply for a year in the camper let me own that non-attachment lesson so that it became a real part of me.

You know what, it doesn't really matter how I got here, or what might have been. I am living this moment, right here, right now. Full of love and joy and at peace with myself for everything that has led me here. Also deeply grateful for all of the people that have ever been in my life, and those that still are, and for all of the experiences that I've had, even the dark ones, because they allow me to really appreciate the light. I feel so full, and so blessed.

Saturday, January 09, 2010

heart drawing

I haven't felt very inspired to blog lately. Apart from enjoying the lazy days of summer, swimming, biking, kayaking and playing at the park and/or with friends, we've been working on getting a new business established to support the caravans and boats that Cary is importing.

I've also been distracted by a new hobby: zentangles

I used to doodle in a similar fashion when I was bored in class at school, but I was always very critical and didn't like anything I drew. I used to think that someone else could have done a much better job. I always put myself in the category of "unable to draw / not artistic". So what's different now? I am so much gentler with myself in every area. My life is lived as an expression of love and joy and the zentangles that have been coming through me are such fun to draw. They are kind of like my life - I don't always know what's going to happen next; I just don't know how it's going to look at the end of the design, but gee it's fun in the process. I just sit with my paper and pen and open myself up and feel guided to make different patterns. The heart above is only the third zentangle I've done. Maybe one day I'll get around to watching one of those youtube movies to get instruction on doing these...or maybe I'll keep on winging it. Like my life, I know my designs will evolve as I discover ways that feel and look good to ME. I'm already finding different patterns that just feel really good to draw. I am just so excited by these simple things because it's taking me deeper into myself, into a new area of creative expression. I am feeling both more centered and more expanded. Another exciting part is realising the lack of judgement I have for myself - how much I've grown to accept myself and this new dimension. Wow. Now I know that there are people out there who draw so much "better" than me, and good for them! Really. I'm just excited that I'm not afraid to draw anymore. I feel like a kid with a new toy!

Friday, January 01, 2010

Welcome to a new year...

I feel like I should say something profound, something inspirational about the new year. But it feels like just the day after yesterday, I'm just not 'getting' the significance of putting a new calendar on the wall. I don't see that as a sign to suddenly change aspects of my life that I wasn't happy with. Every single day, every single moment gives us an opportunity to do that. I make no 'new years resolutions'.

I woke up this morning feeling full of gratitude for this breath that keeps me here, for the love in my life that both grounds me and helps me soar, for the joy that adds depth and lightness too....for all of the people in my life, all of the experiences, for the rain that is turning our crunchy brown grass back to lush green, for the birds singing outside my window, and for the awareness of Spirit woven through it all.

This moment is wonder-full!