I had a friend tell me that another mutual friend has not been in touch with me lately, because she doesn't know where she stands with me. She likes me, but her main reason? Because I don't speak a lot.
I wasn't hurt or upset. I didn't even feel the need to defend myself. All of those things would have been certain once upon a time.
It was almost like a could feel a little pixie on my right shoulder just having a bit of a laugh!
Maybe that person did or didn't say that. Maybe the message got a bit skewed in translation. Either way, I honestly had the feeling that what another person thinks of me, is none of my business!
Maybe that other person is feeling insecure. I personally thought that she and I had enjoyed some wonderful, and deep conversations.
Later on, I did ponder the statement though. I thought about the way that I am with people and I just wanted to reflect on it.
At school and church, we were taught to be quiet, but then they wanted up to speak up on command. I never bought into the trained monkey idea.
I became an observer, a listener. I like watching people and trying to figure out why they do certain things. I shared bits of myself at different times. Sometimes I got hurt because of that. So I'd pretend to be someone else that was more outgoing or more naughty or just someone that I was not, just to try and fit in. It didn't work. My true self said to me "what the heck are you doing?! You are a gift and you need to let yourself be free so that you can shine!"
I've had a lot of people in and out of my life. I became cautious about what I shared with new people, and I had to be really comfortable with someone before I could talk about my feelings, or my story. That became a pattern of protection. I aim to be kind, and open, and loving, and friendly. I am happy to hear about you. Maybe sometimes still, I can be so busy listening to what you are saying, with your words and / or energetically, that I don't even think to share much about my thoughts or feelings about whatever we are talking about. Sometimes it seems that someone else has a greater need to speak, so I let them go for it. I don't have a huge need to speak.
I find small talk painful. And draining.
I don't enjoy being in groups where there are a few people that seem to want to dominate the conversation and talk over the top of others. The energy feels frantic and competitive to me.
I do enjoy being in relaxed groups with gentle conversation, without needing agreement on whatever subject is being discussed.
I love to talk with about the deep things. About connection. About finding your power. About joy. About what really matters to you. About Trust. Purpose. Stepping up. Falling down. Real stuff. That's the stuff I want to talk about! And even better if we can chat one on one.
I am not afraid of public speaking, I can do that about any of my passions...unschooling, Love, homeschooling, living simply, Joy, connected parenting, Reiki and energy healing, traveling with children, etc. I'm very comfortable with bartering, asking for discounts / refunds / replacements, and calmly speaking up when I know that my rights have been wronged. Some people are terrified of all of these things. I used to be.
I'm not verbose in person. (Though I can ramble on via this blog!) I like the space between the notes. I like quiet. Most of the time. I'm very comfortable with it. Some people are not and they have a need to fill up the quiet with a stream of chatter. I don't like to ramble on about the weather, or the political situation, or what I had for lunch. I'm not judging those who do. Hey, if that's your thing, I'm happy for you! Really. And I've know plenty of lovely people whose thing it is.
I am more inclined to feel my way through life. I really don't feel the need to talk a lot. Some friends in the past have found that trait to be quite calming. I'm not going to be someone that I am not. Here I AM! I am happy to be me! I hope that you are happy to be You!
I'd say that this meme sums up my philosophy: