cycles...

My husband has mentioned several times over the years, that I tend to go in cycles with the way that I experience the world.  I expand and put myself 'out there', I am excited and full of enthusiasm....and then I contract, and find comfort in my inner world, processing the previous expansion and contemplating who I am now and how that fits into the world.  He sees it as my highs and lows.  After thinking for a while that the 'low' / quiet, withdrawing time is something that I "shouldn't" do, I have moved into a new appreciation and understanding of how I operate.

Firstly, cycles are found everywhere in nature - the moon, the tides, the seasons, heck, even the day/night business!   Secondly,  I am a woman and my very biochemical nature is cyclical.  Even each breath completes a cycle as our lungs expand and contract.

                                         

I have sometimes thought that I don't want to continue to blog anymore because I have felt as though I am just saying the same old things.  Writing does help me process life and I have a huge lot of unposted posts on my dashboard.  Some of those are too personal, some are unnecessary and some are still unfinished and will probably stay that way because they don't need to be finished.

I do go into deep contemplative times, when I need a lot of quiet time, when I don't understand the actions of others, when I question, doubt, and I feel detached.   Then I move through that to feel connected to everyone, to be in a secure place of Trust and Love and I feel full of Joy.  When I'm like that, I feel "okay, this is it...I've got a hold of it this time and I'm not going to lose it again".....and in time..it just slips quietly off to the side.

As I get a little older, my experience in these cycles gets..deeper.  I'm in the moment, but I'm also observing that moment.  I know that I'll move through both so I am enjoying more and judging myself a whole lot less.  I am woman, I am human, it is my nature to live in cycles.

Currently, I am in a contemplative cycle.  I was starting to wonder why some people had not replied to emails and allowing myself to feel hurt.  Then I let go of that and of the need to try and control outcomes.  As a little girl, I learned that:

 if I expect nothing from people, then I am never disappointed.  

(I must be a bit thick because I keep forgetting that one and allowing myself to be vulnerable.)  But for now, I remember to take responsibility for myself and my feelings, and to focus on Love.  I remembered to take some time out for myself and treat myself how I want to be treated.   I honour this cycle and I appreciate the insights gained.

I think I would be bored if my moods were on an even keel.  I like the tides of my life!  I like that I really don't take them as seriously as I used to, it's just not worth the drama!

How "free" am I?

I have always liked the idea of being a 'Free Spirit'...I had often been called a gypsy as I packed my car and drove to another place in Australia, on to a new adventure.  The name seemed to suit my lifestyle which was not the mainstream way, nor a totally tie-dyed and barefoot kind of way either.  It has been my way though.

Over the years, I've wondered if I still resonate with the 'Free Spirit' handle.  I wonder just how "free" I am?

I live in a society that has certain rules and obligations that are expected of me.  I need to use money.  I drive a car.  Our family lives in a home that is separate from others.  I buy 'stuff'.  I actually like buying stuff....I like having things flowing in and out of my life.  Things that I use or enjoy for a while, then pass on for someone else to enjoy.  While it's in my life, I feel no attachment to any of it, just a feeling of appreciation for its usefulness or beauty.

I used to have a feeling that somehow it wasn't very natural or spiritual to have nice things.  That I 'should' be content with just the basic, functional items.  What rot!  Surely life is mostly about enjoying ...In Joy....  I appreciate all that I have...inside of me, and outside of me.  Again, I'm not attached, so perhaps in that way, I am free.

In this society, other people like to know how I fit into their world and they ask for labels that define what I do so that they can get a quick glimpse of me.  (One day, I will meet someone who will ask me this question before any other..."what makes your heart sing?".)  Do those labels limit me?  Only if I allow them to.  I know that I am much more than 'mother / wife / homeschooler ' etc.  I am infinite!

In amidst all of the things that I 'have to' do here, I remain free when I am acting from my heart and with joy. Some of the things are dull and / or time-consuming when I would rather be doing something more fun. However, they need to be done, so I can choose whether to do them with resentment, or to find a way to bring joy into the moment - either by a shift in my mind, or by using a trigger such as some favourite music in the background, or putting some flowers near me, or by wearing my happy colour (turquoise blue), etc.

I recently read an amazing book - 'Dying to Be Me' by Anita Moorjani.  You know with some books, you read them and know that you have gained new knowledge?  With this one, I was reminded of how much I already knew (but had forgotten)...and it took those memories to a much deeper level.  It has got me thinking about fears though.  Not big ones...I've never been afraid of death, I was always much more interested in making sure I lived a full life.  I've not been afraid of losing everything in my house...no, as long as we have each other, and our health, we have all we need.  At the moment, I am not even afraid of getting terminally ill...I would much prefer to stick around and see my kids grow up, but if that is not in the Divine Plan, then I accept that and Trust that they will provided for in the way that is best suited for them.

So if I don't have 'big' fears, do I have any 'little' fears.  ... I had to sit with that one for a while.

I asked "where do I still have or show fear?".... The initial response within was denial of any fear...the big ones are the main ones, right?...  I kept asking the question...

I was surprised at what came up.  I had a whole bunch of fears around daily health matters - drinking "pure" water, eating organic food, not using non-stick cookware, I even banned a microwave oven from our home 19 years ago.  I had told myself that I could not eat dairy and some grains.  I had created a whole bunch of minor stress around being "healthy"....to the point that eating all of this so-called healthy food had me feeling rather unhealthy.  ...hmm, interesting.  I am no longer 'vegan'...I am 'freegan', ha!  I am letting go of the little fears I had around food.  My body is cleansing itself of the fears I had created and I am healing through to a new partnership with my body, one based on Trust and freedom from the stress I was putting it under by 'having' to follow certain rules I had created.

I am still sitting with the question and welcome new insights as they come up.  One thing that I have realised is that:
                          I am truly free when I live without fear

therein lies my truth....I move forward with greater Trust and Love as I gently undo old conditionings that are holding me back from fully expressing my true Self.  And so it is...

Gracefully surrendering...

...the things of youth...oh what a trip this has been!...like a 3D game of snakes and ladders as my path winds around this mountain of my life.  Sometimes taking a leap forward, sometimes sliding back.  All of it has been so perfect!  The beauty of hindsight is that I can see how some of the worst times shaped me to have enormous growth.

One of the things that has helped shape me is 'Desiderata' (I've put a copy below).  My sister was given a poster of that when she was an early teenager.  I am four years younger than her and we shared a bedroom.  She had the poster on the wardrobe door and I read it many, many times.  Every day I would add a new sentence to what I had already memorized and I would say it over in my mind during the long walk to and from the school bus.  When she moved out, I got my own copy which has traveled with me in all of my moves around Australia and the world.  It's still relevant.  I find myself pondering the line: "Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth." 

In that spirit, I claim:

Love

Peace

Joy

Personal Power

Acceptance

Self-worth

as some of my most valued lessons, deeply learned and integrated.  I claim them from all of the challenges and bruises and highlights that it took to earn them during my youth.  I now own them and they will not be surrendered.  Only all of the fears and insecurities and confusion will be released.  They may just look like words, but they mean much more than that to me.  Who knew?  Growing older can come with such a beautiful Peace.  Growing into one's true self.  Not needing to prove anything to anyone.  Not needing to feel guilty.  My body may not look and act like it did years ago, but the trade for inner Peace is definitely worth it to me.

So grateful for every single breath and step along this path!


DESIDERATA

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

**************************************************************************

For the story on the discovery of this piece of inspiration, go to:

http://www.businessballs.com/desideratapoem.htm

Being Love...

I haven't been very chatty lately. From the time I was young...11 maybe...I used to write in a journal / diary almost every day. I would write about anything and everything. All of the things that I found hard to say with my voice, would flow through my fingers. I always felt as though I could communicate much more easily with my hands.

I kept journals up until shortly after Sam was born when I didn't really have the time for them, and the need for them slowly drifted away. I found that I needed to find my voice, to be able to speak up for my children when they were too young to be able to speak for themselves, or to explain things to and for them. I was lucky to have a few really good friends along the way and I found connection that I had never had before with female friends. I had had female friends before, but not of that depth. The constant force in my life is that things change. People move, or their situation changes or I move or something within me changes.

As my children get older, they rarely need me to be their voice. I remind myself regularly, to step back, and be quiet. Other people in my life are changing, as am I. I don't feel the need to talk about it, or analyse it. I am just feeling my way through it.

I tend to simplify things...the way I live, the way I speak, and the way I just Am. My guide is Love.

I had a friend when I was aged 10-11 named Julie. She was rather confident which was one of the things that I admired about her. Someone accused her of being vain one day and she replied “well, if I don't love myself, how can anyone else?”! Wow! What an attitude! Shortly after, we both went to different schools and lost touch (so typical in my life...the constant change in friendships....but every one has brought something special). I thought about her comment often over the years and then heard other “experts” say it in their own way. How true though. I wonder where Julie is now, and how that attitude guided her life.

With Love as my guide, I find that I don't hold onto the past. I use the experiences from the past to better understand what is happening, but I can look at those things like an observer, without attachment. I don't want to talk about how I'm doing life, I just want to BE.

I feel a deeper sense of Peace...there is nothing I have to do or have. The things that I do, I do because I want to. I actually feel like I am getting more done though which is really amusing to me.  I've been very productive within the home and pursuing my own interests as well.

I take responsibility for my actions and allow others to do the same. The freedom that comes in not taking anything personally is enormous!   

Having Love guide me may seem too simple to some, but it suits me.  I don't need a list of do's and dont's, just "is Love present within me now?".  Most of the time I don't need to ask the question, but sometimes, I start to feel off-track.  If I am not feeling it, asking the question helps me on the path back.  Sometimes I need to take care of my physical body - food, water, movement, rest, sunshine.  Sometimes I just need a little space and quiet and I know that it is important to take that.

Sometimes I ask "how can I show more Love now?", which just opens a door to make that happen.  

This life can be so crazy and complicated, but I can move through it with inner calm...the Love that brings Peace that brings Joy.   So grateful!

You know what's really quite funny?  I used to think that I had to DO something to make this life special, to make my 'mark', to be noticed, to make it all worthwhile.  
I don't.  I just need to BE.

I used to compare myself with others and so often thought that I just wasn't good enough, I could never be as good as them, and that I could never be "enough".   It is truly amazing just how many people feel that too.  It's just not right.  We all have unique gifts. 

oh that's right...

...I have a blog!  Life has been so busy, and we had lousy internet that I haven't bothered much with going online.  But, as of today, we now have unlimited internet!  We realized that we were going to stay put in a solid home for at least a little while, so we signed up for ADSL rather than using our mobile modem and phones as wi-fi hotspots which just didn't give us enough data.  We found a company that had a 3 month contract rather than the usual 24-month that everyone else seems to want over here.  We like that as we don't know how long we'll be here.  Sure, this place is nice, but we're not attached to it and the idea of a new adventure is always interesting!

So what have we been doing?  Well, I went into hibernation mode for about 6 weeks as I was getting everything together for the kids homeschool reports.  I came through the other side of that with a new approach to the way we've been doing things.  One that has better time management and focus and still plenty of room for flexibility.

The cooler weather always inspires me to do more in the kitchen.  It helps that this kitchen is really easy to move in, and is open to the rest of the living areas.  I've been making our own mayonnaise (takes less than a minute!), ketchup (tastes just like the Heinz brand that the family likes), pasta, tortillas, soups, peanut butter, custard, juices, etc.  I already make our own cleaning products, room sprays, shampoo and conditioner. Next up are laundry detergent, (as soon as I can find some borax - it used to be on the shelves at the grocery store but I can't find it lately), toothpaste / powder, ginger beer, and finding a bread recipe that everyone likes and that works well in the solar oven.  Speaking of which, we want to do more solar cooking using the three different cookers we have and start recording what we are doing to post on another site that I'm working on.  I also want to get more of a vege garden going in the small space that we have.  I can't dig up the gardens that are here, so I need something portable.  The containers we have used in the past haven't been successful, so I'm going to research other options.

After a trip to the Farmer's Market

Home-made Ketchup

honey roasted cashews (very popular here!)

Mr 8...Nicholas

Sami on her way to volunteer work

AJ and friend

What else?.... Sam and AJ have been spending more time at the youth center near here, enjoying hanging out with their friends there.  Nicholas likes having time just with Mum or Dad when they are out, or catching up with some of his friends.

Life is good...busy, simple, and rich.  Sometimes I feel so deeply blessed, like the enormity of how grateful I am just overwhelms me, but in a really good way.  I feel like I step outside of myself for a moment, to take the equivalent of a photo but with feelings - just recording that moment into my Spirit.   Feeling Infinite Love!

koala, birds and boats...

(Another) One of the things that I am loving about our new place is exploring new areas on my morning walk.  We have lots of hills around here which I really enjoy walking or even jogging up.  Sometimes I just take huge strides up them.  I'm not trying to 'lose weight', or 'get fit'....I am just totally having fun and open to the moment.  Like the other day when this little furry one and I watched each other for a while...

The scent of the bush in some parts of my walks is so delicious that I could almost roll around in it, except that it's hard to figure exactly where it comes from...it's the trees and the earth and the bushes all together to make the most exquisite perfume...it's definitely where I walk very slowly and breath very deeply!

Every morning just before 7am, we have a choir of rainbow lorikeets come to our balcony for some honey and a little seed bread.  (They are Loud!!)   No need for an alarm clock around here!

The black swans are an almost daily visitor to our place, but they were not impressed when a new winged friend decided to see if she could also get a free feed...

 As neither was going to back down, they eventually settled for keeping a close eye on each other.

This is what my kids were doing when the neighborhood kids were at school...

...they boys were in the kayak, which has a clear bottom... In this pic, Nicholas is in the front, but facing backwards, and AJ is in the back, but bending forward looking at the little fish going past the clear window.   Sam is further out, pretending to be fishing, in the canoe.

 ...there they go...

I've been watching stand-up paddleboarders for years now, thinking that I'll have to do that one day, but just haven't gotten around to it.  It's not the kind of equipment that is easily available second hand, but I got to thinking that a windsurfer board is awfully similar to a stand-up paddleboard (SUP).   ...Put the intention out there and look what the Universe provides...We bought a windsurfer for $15 complete with mast, sail etc!!  Nicholas got up on it right away and uses a paddle from the canoe.  A 'real' SUP is probably a little flatter and slightly wider, but it's also hundreds of $$ more.  This board has the grip along most of the board so it's not slippery at all.  I'm comfortable kneeling on it (and using the canoe paddle to get along), even when it's windy out.   I will get a longer paddle and have more of a go of actually standing up on it.  So glad that I found my wetsuits so I can keep playing on the water all through the up coming winter!

Some of my friends have asked if it's "safe" to swim in this creek....aren't we afraid of bull sharks?  Frankly...No.  I refuse to live in fear!  I am confident of my ability in the boats and on the board.  If I fell and a shark did get me, then I accept it as my time to go, and at least I would go doing something that I loved!  The chance of that happening would be so remote that I'm not even going to try and compare it to anything.  My focus is on Love...doing what I Love, feeling Love, spreading Love....DeLightFull!!!

Oarsome!!!

Best buy at this weeks garage sale adventures...

Yep...we bought a canoe!  The garage sale was just across the creek from us so AJ and I paddled it home.  We've had beautiful weather the last couple of days so it's been getting a lot of use.  I think the wet season might be behind us now.  Yay!  Lots more paddling ahead for us!

AJ (aka the bird whisperer) has some new fans in the black swans...

A little Love in our garden...

Sweet Sam...

Hanging at the park with some friends recently, watching the moon rising as the children played...

The view from my bedroom balcony...

Cary enjoying the sunset out the front of our place...

"We were tired of living in a house...

...so we packed a bag with sweaters and socks and scarves", ....like the children in the 1969 book by Liesel Moak Skorpen.  The children left home in search of adventure and a new place to live...a tree, a raft on a pond, a cave, the seaside, until they discovered that each place had something wonderful, yet also not-so-great, about it.  Eventually, armed with a few treasures they had collected along the way, they returned home, to a house.

As have we.

I can honestly say that we are grateful to be living in a house!  We are definitely tired of living as though we are camping!

We had been searching for at least a month before we found this place.  We were looking for a house, preferable on a bit of acreage.  Back and forth, long drives, hours on the internet, questioning what we really want.  Again questioning if we really want to stay in Australia.  We decided that we just needed at least a smallish house (anything would be bigger than the caravan after all!), so that we could get out things out of storage, sort through everything, sell the big caravan, and see where we were at then.

There was deeper work being processed within me as I needed to consider what I actually wanted and what were the most important things to me.  I had always felt such a strong connection to the beach and the way that I felt when I was there.  Free, connected to myself and Spirit, not needing any "thing", expansive, wild, deep, light.  I decided that the beach has been a huge trigger in helping me feel those things deeply, but it was time to let go of my "need" for the beach, my attachment.  I could feel those things any where, any time.  I surrendered....and I felt even free-er!!  Life started moving in a new direction, quickly. 

I opened myself up to other possibilities of where we might live.  A lovely townhouse 5 minutes away came up...we viewed it at 11am and were signing the lease by 1pm and moving in by 3pm.  The place is more than we had imagined it could be...it's very modern, it's in a lovely secure complex with 2 pools, 2 hot tubs, 2 tennis courts, friendly staff, excellent maintenance.  It still has the community atmosphere that we had at the caravan park, but oh so much more comfortably!!  And the other bonus?

We are right on the water!  Our own little beach on the creek.  I have got to get another kayak!  We have ducks and black swans that come up to our door and talk to us.  At night we see the reflection of the moon and stars in the glistening water and we can hear the jumping fish playing.  It is soothing.  I came to a place where I didn't need it, but I am oh so grateful for it! 

 

It rained almost every day in the first two weeks we were here....and it was oh so nice to not be cramped in the caravan!  We are an easy walking distance to shops, a large library and the youth center that Sam and AJ attend.   We found ourselves sighing quite a lot in the first week or so as we adjusted to and appreciated the place.

 

It's a good place, for now.  I don't know how long we'll be here...6 months, 6 years...whatever...we'll just enjoy each day as it comes.  

out of the rut...

Some of you may be aware of the, um..."interesting challenges"... we had with a particular camper that we had imported several years ago.  I'm not going to go into any of the details of the drama...because it is now over.  The camper is now proudly owned by a new family.  We lost money on her, but releasing her freed up some funds for us to move forward in other areas.  We also sold our old faithful Mercedes that we've had for four years and replaced her with a newer car.  It feels as though we have moved out of the rut we were in.  Which is kind of funny as yesterday we moved the big caravan over onto a slab to get some work done on her, and noticed that she had sunk into a deep rut where she had been sitting on the earth.

It feels very good to be moving forward again.

Living 'on the road' back in 2007-2008, was a really wonderful experience for our family.  I grew so much as a person, letting go of attachment to physical things and societal conditioning of how people 'should' live.  I leaned about living simply and deeply experiencing the joy of every moment.  I had hoped to re-create a lot of those experiences by getting back into caravan life mid 2011. 

Honestly, it hasn't been the same.

This time around, it's been different....better in some ways as we have a larger, more comfortable van, but we soon became aware that the van was way too big to travel with.  We came to terms with staying here and making the place as efficient and 'nice' as possible.  Over our 18 months here, like our van, we slowly sunk into a rut. 

It's been a little frustrating at times because we couldn't move...we felt a bit 'stuck'.  The rain, the small space, feeling confined and restricted within the park.  However, we've met some great people, and maintained a small home with three children and a focus on only having the material things around us that we actually use or that delight us.  Not to mention, we do live across the road from the beach....that pretty much compensates for every single little frustration I've had here.

The sands are shifting though...

Slowly, we've been questioning if this life is still for us.  We've been looking for a house to rent, just to see what is around.  I'd like for the children to have more personal space...they haven't asked for it, but I know that they would enjoy it.

 

I'd like to have a larger kitchen.  I started to think about all of the other 'things' that I wanted.  I was concerned that I may lose some of the lessons from Living Simply, and that once I started getting some stuff, I would want more stuff.  I thought about that, and found it kind of funny that that thought, almost a fear, was even present.  While I was there, exploring all of the little fears around making a change, I realised that I want 'nice' things....quality rather than quantity.  Then I thought that may have been too egotistical and judgemental.  Sure, I've had nice things in the past, but I'd gotten used to living with some second hand cheapy stuff.  There's nothing wrong with that, just as there is nothing wrong with me wanting some nicer stuff again.  The whole process of exploring these issues reminded me that:

 

       It's not the buying or the having of the stuff......it's the attachment to it.

 

I will not allow my physical things to define me...I will use them merely as an expression of this experience, but I am not attached to them. 

 

I will not stop shopping at op shops, but I am getting much more discerning about what I buy.

 

This is really an exciting time!  We are exploring ideas of exactly where we want to be and what we want to do.  Do we still want to live in this area?  In this country?   Lots to think about!!  Out of the rut and on a roll baby!!

I'm not going to try...

"Do or do not.  There is no try" - Yoda

I have been thinking about this quote and realised that, for me, 'trying' takes away my power.  Maybe it's fairly subtle, but it is there.  I resisted the truth in the quote at first but then rose to the challenge.  I'm either in the process of getting something done...I'm doing it....or, I'm not.  No wishy-washy in-between. 

 

Do I actually want to do it, or don't I?  Even with the things I don't always want to do, but need to be done, I need to ask myself if I am actually going to do it, or not.  Making the decision to actually do something spurs me to just get it done.  'Trying' sees me dragging my feet and not fully involved in just doing it.

I'm using that quote with my kids too.  I love the smile of empowerment that comes over their face when I remind them.  They either do what they say, or they don't.  Saying they are going to "try" gives them an out to not follow through.  Make a decision, and do what you say.

I feel my Power!!!

I am also aware of how often I apologise...often for things that are not really my fault or that are not necessary.  It had a sense of playing small....and once I realised that...I decided to really notice what I said and how I said it.  I no longer say things that are not the full truth.  I now think about what I absolutely desire at any time, and I ask for it, or I make it happen.  Like "what do you want to do today"...me: "oh, I don't know...what do you want to do?".....NO MORE!!  I remember my own identity, rather than Mother or Wife or all of the other hats I wear.  I remember ME and my dreams and desires.....but within the framework of my other roles.

It seems that with the reclaimation of my Power, life is starting to move in a new direction.  I had asked for clarity.  Getting more deeply in touch with myself, has cleared out my own uncertainty that was clouding my path.  Answers are coming, life is shifting....I'm Allowing that...I'm rowing my boat, gently down the stream.

There is so much joy and humour in life, when we don't take anything personally!
 

Trust...

At different times in my life I've had a guiding word.  A word that was significant to where I was on this smorgasboard / rollercoaster journey of life, what I was working through and who I wanted to be.  'Peace', 'Freedom', 'Strength', 'Courage', etc.   Currently, my word is 'Trust'. I am working on remembering to Trust that I am being guided, that my life is unfolding as it should.  I know that the more I relax and Trust, the more my life flows smoothly.  When I try to force something that clearly isn't working, then I know I need to stop trying to control it and trust that I'll be guided to the right way. 

How do I know if it isn't working? .... By how I feel.  If something is causing any kind of discomfort within me, then I'm on the wrong path.  It's that little voice inside, guiding me.  All too often I've forgotten to listen, or have stubbornly ignored it in the past.  Thinking that I could possibly be in full control!  Ha! 

If Trust is my main order at the moment, I also have a side dish of 'letting go', and 'clarity'.  With Letting Go, I find that, in most cases, something else will move in to take the available place.  It can be as simple as when I donate some of my clothes and then soon after I happen to find a new (to me) item of clothing that I really like.  Often, the Letting Go leads to Clarity....like when I finally let go of having long hair, I realised with clarity, that I am actually preferring my hair to be short.  Sometimes though, the Letting Go feels big and it leaves a murky pool behind.  I find that I've been looking into that murky pool for a while now, since some recent shifts in my life, and wondering why I'm feeling stagnant.  I'm looking at so many options...and it is wonderful to have them...but feeling drawn in many different directions...expanding and contracting at the same time.  Feeling duality pushing and pulling, the depths and the heights, the past and the future, the swirling and...perhaps not enough time for the stillness. 

Where I am, right now, is lush.  I can look behind me and see the winding, crazy road that has led me here...the thorns and the roses along the way.  Maybe I'm attempting to see the future in the murky pool in front of me, instead of surrendering...trusting...that All Is Well.  I remind myself that I can Trust that I have everything I need, right here, right now.  I remind myself that I am safe, I am Whole, I am Loved, I Am Love, I am Wild and... I am Free!

Thank you storm...



Thank you wind for pulling down our annexe which exposed the van and blew away excess stuff...

Thank you rain for pressure washing the side of the van, getting it so very clean and shiny again...

Thank you ocean for showing us your power and your playfulness with snow-like foam flying through the air up and over the roads.

Thank you divine timing that I was not under this tree when it fell. 



Thank you sun for shining bright after the storm, allowing us to dry out, sort through and clean up outside.

Thank you to Cary for having the foresight to put our outdoor electrical white goods on blocks which prevented major damage to them.  The tarps around them blew off, but after they dried out, they were fine to use and we were able to wash and dry many loads of smelly, wet clothes and towels.  Thanks also to Cary for staying awake during the storm to try to keep things secure.  Eventually, we surrendered to nature and let it go.  Thanks for getting up at 3am to start the clean up.  Thanks for your strength and love throughout the process and every other day.

Thank you to the community we live in...everyone just pitches in and helps out wherever and whenever is needed.

Thank you to my children who stayed calm and ready to go at a moments notice if we needed to evacuate.  They each had a backpack ready with some extra clothes, flashlight, water bottle, snack food, phone and a few favourite things in it. (Nicholas had a fever and was a bit emotional but showed a lot of bravery.)  Thank you for helping with the clean up and for being flexible and able to roll with the changes that life presents.

Thank you to the sites online who were providing constant updates on the storm.  It was very helpful until we lost contact with the outside world through phone, internet and tv.

Thank you to the power company for providing electricity throughout the storm.  We were lucky enough to keep ours even though many people in houses around this area lost theirs. 

Thank you to the movie industry for providing us with dvd entertainment which was a good distraction, especially when the wind was howling and the van was shaking.  Ironically, we were watching the disaster movie 2012 about the end of the world when we heard that the storm was coming.  Although the movie was rather ridiculous, it gave us a point of comparison that what we were going through was minor.  We later saw news coverage showing families in other areas that had their homes underwater and were sitting on the roof waiting for rescue.  Yeah, we have no problems.

Thank you for the gift of pressure.  In considering that we may need to evacuate, I was given a chance to consider the most important things to me.  Of course the health and safety of the whole family is the most important, after that, basic survival things (first aid kit, clothes, food etc), a few things to keep us busy (deck of cards, drawing book and pens) and very few material things that were important.  I chose a handful of photos and a few pieces of jewelry.  That all took me less than 10 minutes to pack into my backpack.  As I had extra time to consider if there was anything else, I added in the birth certificates and passports because those things are just a bother to replace, especially as Cary and the kids birth cert's come from the USA.  I looked at everything else and felt no attachment.  I was ready to go.

Thank you for the freedom...we were woken up to the fact that we were living as though we were living in a small house and had built up walls around our outdoor living area, and filled it with a whole lot of stuff.  In removing the walls and ruining a bunch of the stuff that we do not plan on replacing, we feel liberated... more connected to our neighbours and the world around us, both the earth and the sky.  We do plan on replacing the awning, but not the walls.  It has inspired a review of all of the things we have inside of the van as well.  I have a feeling we'll be downsizing in there too.

We have so much to be grateful for, and we are.  I am reminded to be grateful for all of the other wonderful things in my life...extended family, good friends, good coffee, warmth, food, clean water, I could go on and on.   

I hope that you are safe and well and enjoying your day.  Maybe take a moment to think about some of the things that you are especially grateful for...

Growing....

I have a bunch of partially written blog posts that just haven't felt quite right to post.  I doubt I'll get back to them so let me give you the cliff notes here...

I started to write about Christmas...it was the weirdest one ever.  Not because of anything in particular, except maybe the lack of anything extra-ordinary.  Our celebrations of that day has been going through a series of changes over recent years.  There are many things about Christmas that I do not enjoy, and I experience resistance to acting and behaving in a way that the mainstream society thinks that I should just for one day of the year.  I still have some conditioning that thinks I "should" do certain things but this year I didn't do a lot of them.  I still had a lovely day...very relaxed and joyful and playful.  Which is like every other day.  Every day is special to me.  I am full of gratitude for the love and joy in my life!  So maybe every day is like Christmas to me.  I am aware of the gifts within it.  The extraordinary is my "ordinary"!  So why, and how, do I make just one day even more than the others?   I didn't, and I won't.  Every day should be celebrated!

I started a post about my friend Andrew.  He was six weeks older than me and 'the boy next door' for the first 6 years of my life.  We played together, reached those early milestones together, had our first year of school sitting next to each other, and got into all kinds of mischief and fun.  Our mothers remained great friends even though our families gradually saw less and less of each other after we moved away.  He died last month.  I just want to thank him for enriching those early years as my first best friend.

I started some other posts about a variety of things that have been happening, but I'll simplify that into saying that I've made a lot of changes.  I'm getting more efficient with my time in many ways.  I've removed myself from email groups and newsletters, reduced facebook contacts and groups, condensed email accounts and resigned from running the local Natural Learners Homeschooling group.  My focus is my family and being with them in the world.  My online time needs to be efficient and I am much more particular about who is in my In Box, or on my News Feed.  The children are all growing so fast and they want to do a bunch of new things.  My only commitment is to my family and I feel liberated in stepping back from running the homeschool group.  I am grateful for some warm and wonderful friends we have made and will continue to see.

I'm keeping my hair cut kind of short because I really like the feel of it..it's lighter and cooler in the summer heat and I'm over having to do something with my hair when it's longer and hot out.  The way it is now, I really don't have to fuss with it at all besides a quick brush now and again. Yep, efficiency again!  And I think it looks sassy!

I've realised that I love the beach, but I really don't need to swim in the waves.  I used to love to do that, and I still do if they are gentle "floaty" waves.  Anything else, I just don't enjoy.  Which is amazing because I used to spend hours in the waves when I was younger.  I felt free there.  Now, I feel free everywhere!  I felt as though the waves matched my spirit with the ups and downs and turmoil.  Now, I feel much more peaceful inside and I like activities that reflect that.  I totally appreciate that others just love being in the waves, I just don't.  And that is so OK! 

I know I'm changing....I accept that I am "middle-aged"....I am grateful for all of the experiences and people that have woven in and out of my life....and I really, really love who I am and where I am right now!  I like recognising when I've moved through an experience, like having long hair, or wanting to swim in the waves at the beach...and there is no grief, just gratitude for those things, and joy for what comes in its place.  I love growing up and growing older!!!!!