Monday, October 31, 2011

Running water...

When our big caravan arrived, it took Cary a couple of days to find the fittings to connect the water to the inside.

I was so excited!  After a couple of months of camping, I was thrilled to have inside running water.  I did a little song and dance when I was filling up the sink to wash dishes...inside...because I could!

Then we found a leak and had to disconnect the water.  Cary tried to fix it, but it did not get done before he left.  I was so disappointed.  The kids and I had to go outside and fill up the filter jugs and bottles of water to use as flush water for the toilet.  This was inconvenient, especially when it was raining or cold.  My StepMom joked that I did have running water...I run out to get it and then I run back in again!

Cary got the part I needed from the USA and mailed it to me when he was there.  When I got the package, I was excited again, thinking that I would have inside running water.  But I couldn't get the part to fit.  I grunted and pushed and pulled and twisted and tried different things.  I swore and raised my voice and then I had a big release and realised that I was just fine without the running water.  I did not need it in order to be happy...the way we were doing things was working just fine.

Life was simpler once I accepted the water situation.  When I let go of it "having" to be a certain way, and just started to appreciate the way it was - I am so lucky to have water so close...and that I don't have to walk 3 miles with a pot of it on my head!  We are so lucky to have fit bodies to be able to move and lift and carry!

Cary got back yesterday.  He fixed the water, including the hot water.  It is nice to have it, but I am actually not attached to it.  It would not have bothered me if it wasn't fixed at all.   I just have to smile at how glad I am that I am in control of how I choose to feel...I do not need running water, or other "things" in order to be happy.  I can choose to be happy right now, now matter what is happening around me. 

I am so grateful that Cary is back safely, and that we can continue on this journey, together.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I'm actually not going crazy...

... I'm just transitioning to menopause. 

For several days I thought I must have been getting sick...I noticed several times that I felt quite warm and thought I was getting a fever.  I only realised a few days ago that these are actually hot flushes!  Doh!  Had to laugh at myself!

I am so relieved that I am not going crazy, I was seriously starting to doubt my sanity.  My moods seemed all over the place as I questioned every aspect of my life... underneath it all, a strong power was building.  I felt like I wanted to roar, then cry, then run a mile, then sleep for a week.

I had thought that this phase was mostly about physical changes, but there is so much more going on.  I'm actually excited for this.  I feel like I am going through a whole new level of growing up, into greater wisdom and acceptance.   I knew I would face "the change" sooner or later.  I just didn't expect the power surge I am feeling.  Woo hoo! 

Friday, October 14, 2011


The caravan park that we are staying at does not allow pets.  It was the biggest sticking point about coming back to this area as it is very limited on pet-friendly parks.  We could have chosen a park that is in the middle of being remodelling and will not have any swimming pool or play areas for the kids and is also right next to the M1 motorway ( thankyou..especially as the prices were more than we were paying to rent a house), or a couple of other small, out-of-the-way parks.  Or this one, huge park, across the road from the beach, three swimming pools, very close to great libraries, shops, our storage unit and, of course, the beach (!), security gate, and it's actually very quiet.  Well, it was until Nicholas arrived!

We found a lady who created a business in dog-minding who lives close to us.  We were paying her to do so until she suggested we could trade her ... we clean her house every week in return for her looking after Gypsy.  In order to save money, I said yes, even though one of the reasons I was excited about being house-free again was to almost eliminate housework!  Ha!  However, it has been a good thing as it constantly reminds me of how much I don't want to be back in a house.  After Cary went back to the USA and I spent several weeks trying to adjust to a brand new (to us) caravan, trying to get an efficient system happening,  as well trying to process the events of recent months, and sort through our storage unit, I could have been tempted to say "enough" and take what seemed like an easier route (at the time), back into a house.  Cleaning Lynne's house cured me of that and I got back on track with my gratitude of this simple life!

I love that every single thing in my kitchen are things that I use regularly, no excess.  That all of the food in the cupboard is food that we will actually use, not something I bought on a whim because I "might" do something with it.  That all of my clothes are clothes that I actually like and wear. 

I love that this lifestyle inspires me to be more conscious of anything I purchase. I like that I am never tempted to buy more than I can actually use whether for its function or to add beauty to our home.

The children are still in the process of fine-tuning their efficiency with the areas that they have, which has caused them a little stress at times.  It's also allowing them to really get in touch with the things that are the most important to them at the time.  By putting excess things into storage for now, they are appreciating and using the things that they have here, and there is no feeling of overwhelm of "too much stuff". 
This life also encourages us all to be considerate of others by putting our things away when we are finished with them in order to prevent clutter, and to just keep life rolling more harmoniously.   Then we have more time to do fun things, like go to the beach, or ride our bikes, or sit in the sun and read a book, or draw or play music.  Or just Be.   Our van is big enough for a full size set of conga drums which we all enjoy playing, and AJ has been loving learning the guitar and reading novels.  Summer is drawing and reading more.  Nicholas spends hours playing with other kids in the park or with the toys he has here.  I'm reading the "Captain Underpants" books to him at the moment which he thinks are fantastic! 

We are grateful for the two mornings each week that we go to Lynne's place to see Gypsy.  Honestly though, I can feel us all detaching.  The possibility of rehoming Gypsy is in my mind.  I feel kind of bad about that as I had made the commitment to Gypsy and also to AJ, but I also need to consider the effect this current situation is having on the entire family.  Even though I try and see it as an act of service, I do feel a little resentful.  Gypsy is really happy being in a situation where she gets to play with other dogs regularly.  Perhaps the kindest thing for her would be to find another home with another dog or dogs, rather than the current uncertainty of when we would be able to be back together with her.

I don't know what we will decide.  I do know that I am grateful for this life, this moment, these lessons, the opportunity to see what is working and how much of any situation we will take before demanding a different option, to declare authenticity, to keep growing, as messy and tough and beautiful as it is.  I am grateful for this very breath that quietly assures me that I am meant to be here, now. 

Tuesday, October 04, 2011


"Your relationship to all things, was created as the perfect tool in the work of the soul." - Neale Donald Walsch

I've been thinking a lot about this.

AJ is rather smitten with a girl and keeps asking me all kinds of questions.  As the girl is vegan, he is wondering if he should go vegan in order to be with her.  I told him that he should never compromise who he is in order to please someone else.  That's only cheating both of them and will probably lead to resentment on his part at some point down the track.

(Have I done that?  Have I compromised myself in relationships?  Have I said yes when I wanted to say no, have I gone places, or done things that I actually didn't want to do?  In pleasing another, did I not please myself?  I'm pretty sure I have at times.)

I've been struggling with Nicholas who is so very loud and busy.  I feel the need for quiet and calm around me as I try to process events of the past few months, but I just cannot get that with him around.    I realise that I need to demand that, for my own sanity.  Maybe part of the reason that I have a child like Nicholas is to help get me to the point of demanding time for myself.  I wanted to be a mother for such a long time, and I loved living that role 24/7 for several years, but now, I really need a break.  That was a secondary reason of why Summer and AJ went to the Steiner school when we moved to Australia - mama was burnt out.  I had been curious about those schools since Summer was a baby and I had thought it would be a good thing for the kids.  It was, for a while.  Now that Nicholas is getting older, I'm finding his behaviour exhausting so I need to take care of me so that I can better take care of my family.

Perhaps I've compromised myself for far too long by not taking time out away from my full time job of parenting.  Perhaps I've cheated myself, Cary and the kids by not doing that.  I know that sometimes I look at Cary and think "Oh's you", but other times I think "thank God it's you".  Do all relationships go through this?  We've been together for almost 18 years!  That's a very long time.  People can change a lot in that many people have been together for a long time that are still happy to be together?  Really.  That don't feel any resentment, that feel that they are still compatible?  They probably have time to pursue their own interests and they probably are not together 24/7.

When I met Cary, I was at a place in my life where I was not even interested in having a relationship with anyone.  I felt whole and strong and content with who I was and where I was going.  He was attracted to that strong woman.  That's who I need to find again, for both of our sakes. 

There has been so much drama and chaos in recent months, I'm shutting down.  My apologies for any unreturned emails for phone calls.   If my relationships are the perfect tool for me, then I need to be focusing on those, especially the one with myself.  Yep, I'm going to be a bit selfish.  I'm going to say "no", I'm going to take time to draw and read and do absolutely nothing.  Because if I don't, then my soul will not be filling its true potential for growth.  And I will be resentful. And that's no good for anyone.