Implosion...

...the ghosts of Christmas' past, present and future all paid me a visit on the eve of Christmas Eve...all at the same time.    I was feeling good that I had finished shopping and there was only some more cookies to bake to give away to our neighbours.  I put on my apron and Santa hat and turned on the Christmas music on the CD player.  ...brewing...brewing...

Let me explain that baking cookies in a very small space is slightly challenging!  It is a constant shuffle of ingredients, bowls, measuring cups etc, and don't even think about trying to use the sinks as they are covered over to try and create more counter space. 

So I'm dealing with this shuffling and a low lying frustration creeps in...compounded by the Christmas music bringing up memories of 46 previous Christmas' that I've had - from as far back as I can remember all the way through...memories of my family, the incredible excitement, the following crash, the stress in the house, the music, my Dad singing (I won't hear that again), my Mum cooking, the rules and restrictions,  extended family gatherings, .... remembering so many moments by remembering how I was feeling then, often conflicting with how I thought I should be feeling.  Did other kids feel overwhelmed?  I felt like there was so much waiting before Christmas, then waiting for everyone to wake up that morning, then a short time of being free to gather with everyone for a relaxed time of sharing gifts before it was back to waiting to play because we had to get ready for church, then help with lunch then have a rest then go out visiting...waiting until we could stop doing stuff and just Be in that relaxed time again.  As I got older, the plan for the day changed and it did get more relaxed, but somehow there often seemed to be some drama.  I've probably spent almost as many Christmas days not in the presence of anyone from my childhood family, as what I have with them.  I've had a lot of different experiences - being with friends, camping, and the past 17 Christmas' have been with Cary, most of those in the USA.  Memories of his family and sharing special times with them came to mind... memories of our children's Christmas fun, getting rugged up, having a fire in the fireplace, driving around and looking at all of the Christmas lights (they are amazing in the USA!)....swirling...swirling memories of Christmas past....

My kids bickering was surrounding me, adding to my growing frustration of the lack of room.  The fn rainy weather that was keeping them inside was bugging me...could we please have a sunny Christmas sometime?  The lack of a decent area outside for them to play in.. I finally stopped trying to create a Christmas mood and turned off the Christmas music so that they could watch 'Toy Story'.  That was okay until they realised that the disc was scratched and they couldn't finish watching it and they went back to bickering.  Made me all warm and fuzzy thinking about the "joy" of Christmas...Not!  The Christmas music went back on ..."it's the hap, happiest time..of the year!"   I wasn't feeling it.  I questioned the current state of Christmas in my life and in myself and thought about how to do it differently in the future.

When I asked one of my kids to bring me the egg yolks to put in the gingerbread dough that I was mixing, and they brought over and tipped in the egg whites instead, I lost it.  I simply couldn't reach over myself and get the egg yolks as I had to go 10 feet away to use the power point to plug in the hand mixer and I thought how easy it would be to ask one of my kids to help me and stop bickering with the others for 10 seconds.

I told Cary that I'm not doing this again next year...I won't attempt to bake cookies in this small space, I will either just not do it, or I will go to a friends house who has a proper kitchen.  And I won't send Christmas cards because that art seems to be just about dead as most people just send an electronic bulk email often without a personal note.  And I don't want to be here next year, I want to be somewhere different.  Preferably somewhere that it is not raining.  (yes, I know...it's the sub tropics and it's the wet season so what did I expect?!)

I don't know why this one day of the year brings up so much 'stuff' for me.  I've alternated between wanting a big cosy house with all of the trimmings and extended family around me, to wanting to ignore it all and go play on a deserted island until it was all over.  I needed to process the ghosts of Christmas' past, present and future to see where I am in alignment with it all right now.

The real thing that my implosion brought to light was that I want Christmas to have more meaning, more depth.  I think I've pretty much been able to create the relaxed Christmas Day atmosphere that I had wanted as a child.  We don't make plans beyond getting up in the morning, and giving the children some gifts.  After that, they are free to play, we prepare nice food, hopefully go for a swim and / or a walk.  It's not a whole lot different from our other days.  Our children get gifts all through the year, or they buy themselves things they want.  Cary and I also get what we want when we want it and haven't exchanged Christmas gifts for many years.  I enjoy buying a few extra fun gifts for our children, and I enjoy seeing them have fun with them.   Enough rambling...

Feeling...

Cary pointed out that I haven't posted on here for a while.  Hmmm...I haven't had much to say, and I've been busy with life, celebrating two December birthdays in our family, Christmas prep and just Being.  I started this blog years ago with the intention of posting about our family life so that our extended family and friends could get a taste of our lives and stay connected.  But it became more of an online journal for me.  After many years of keeping my own written journals, it was a bit scary to put some of my deep thoughts in such a public place...but the more I did it, the easier it became, and the more confident I felt overall.  It seemed that by allowing my thoughts to become public, I was no longer afraid of my own judgement of them.  I was surprised when friends, family and strangers would contact me to support me or ...wow...even say that I had inspired them!   I worked though some limiting stuff about my own "worth".  I am so amazed at how widespread that challenge is.  So many people feel a lack of worth, and very few of them talk about it, holding it in, thinking that they are the only one.  Why do so many feel this, and why do they feel that they can't talk about it?

I have known people that I assumed were very confident and "had it all together".  I admired how they could express themselves verbally, and many other talents they have.   I later found out that they too, feel a lack of worth.  Look at so many celebrities that have ended their lives early - why would they do that if they did not think that they deserved  all that they had?  I have never been one for spoken verbosity, and I used to think that I was "less than" others who did have that talent.  In recent years I totally let go of that limiting belief ... I fully embrace my quiet nature!  (Though I can be loud and fiery too!)   Some people are "talkers", some are "thinkers"....Me?  I'm a "feeler".  I FEEL life...I FEEL love....I interpret living primarily through feeling.  There have been times when I have felt life a foreigner speaking a different language....English is my second language, Feeling is my first.  I have a deeply sensual appreciation for all of my senses - the warmth of the sun, playing in the water, walking barefoot on the sand, touch, listening to music, eating a mango, mmm kissing!  I am triggered though when the air is cool and the air is dry, I know that I am happier when I feel warm.

I feel other peoples energy and I don't always feel the need to use words to connect with them.  I like that - the comfortable silence between friends when you can connect energetically.  I really like who I am and how I am in the world.  I like that I feel life.  I like that I don't have to talk about every single thing....I actually find verbosity somewhat exhausting now.  Even though I find it hard to make small talk, I can speak rather passionately about the things that move me.  I prefer to talk about the depth of experiences rather than what I'm having for dinner.   That's why I don't post a lot on facebook either...I don't see the point in reporting on so many little moments of my life as some people do, when I can just be feeling, experiencing those moments deeply as they are happening. (I'm not judging those people, I appreciate that we are all different...it's just not for me is all.)   I'm not trying to promote myself or build a business...my purpose here is simply to Be in Joy.  I don't need anyone's validation, I don't need to analyse every step, I am just living free!

 I am aware of other work  I would like to do when my children are grown, but there is plenty of time for that.  I love the smorgasbord of work and life experiences that I have already had, and they lead me to a place of being very grateful and content.

I am happy with who I am and I don't feel any need to "fix" any thing about me!  I don't feel the pull to write as often as I used to.  I am grateful for the amazing friends I have and how we can talk about anything and everything.   We trust each other, we laugh, we cry, we swirl deeply into any subject, we support and don't judge.  They are such a beautiful, nourishing gift in my life!

I am grateful for my journey....I enjoy being here, now... I have Love, I have Joy, I have my biggest teachers - my husband and children...I love what our family has created and Who we all are.  I'm feeling very balanced overall.  A few little highs and lows along the path, but nothing like the dramatic me as a teen and 20-something!  What a ride it has been! 

I don't remember a particular point where I gave up feeling unworthy, it was just something I quietly let go of.  As I moved into an awareness that I just don't feel that anymore,  I realised that I actually haven't felt that unworthy feeliing for quite a while.  It is totally gone. 

So where does that feeling of "not worthy" stem from?  Is it ego?  Is it a product of this society?  The pressure to "do"...to get good grades, to obey rules we don't understand, to conform, to "behave", to follow the main stream and in the process, deny ourselves?  Isn't denial of ourselves the highest form of denial?   Why do people choose a path that they assume is just for the benefit of other people?

What if...everyone felt confident enough to follow a path of happiness?  To feel free enough to express themselves authentically?  To take responsibility for the state of their life?   To wake up and realise that all of this is possible...right now?!   To choose to live in love and joy.  To realise that material objects don't bring  happiness - that's something that only an inner choice can bring.  What a wonderful world!