Trust...

At different times in my life I've had a guiding word.  A word that was significant to where I was on this smorgasboard / rollercoaster journey of life, what I was working through and who I wanted to be.  'Peace', 'Freedom', 'Strength', 'Courage', etc.   Currently, my word is 'Trust'. I am working on remembering to Trust that I am being guided, that my life is unfolding as it should.  I know that the more I relax and Trust, the more my life flows smoothly.  When I try to force something that clearly isn't working, then I know I need to stop trying to control it and trust that I'll be guided to the right way. 

How do I know if it isn't working? .... By how I feel.  If something is causing any kind of discomfort within me, then I'm on the wrong path.  It's that little voice inside, guiding me.  All too often I've forgotten to listen, or have stubbornly ignored it in the past.  Thinking that I could possibly be in full control!  Ha! 

If Trust is my main order at the moment, I also have a side dish of 'letting go', and 'clarity'.  With Letting Go, I find that, in most cases, something else will move in to take the available place.  It can be as simple as when I donate some of my clothes and then soon after I happen to find a new (to me) item of clothing that I really like.  Often, the Letting Go leads to Clarity....like when I finally let go of having long hair, I realised with clarity, that I am actually preferring my hair to be short.  Sometimes though, the Letting Go feels big and it leaves a murky pool behind.  I find that I've been looking into that murky pool for a while now, since some recent shifts in my life, and wondering why I'm feeling stagnant.  I'm looking at so many options...and it is wonderful to have them...but feeling drawn in many different directions...expanding and contracting at the same time.  Feeling duality pushing and pulling, the depths and the heights, the past and the future, the swirling and...perhaps not enough time for the stillness. 

Where I am, right now, is lush.  I can look behind me and see the winding, crazy road that has led me here...the thorns and the roses along the way.  Maybe I'm attempting to see the future in the murky pool in front of me, instead of surrendering...trusting...that All Is Well.  I remind myself that I can Trust that I have everything I need, right here, right now.  I remind myself that I am safe, I am Whole, I am Loved, I Am Love, I am Wild and... I am Free!

Thank you storm...



Thank you wind for pulling down our annexe which exposed the van and blew away excess stuff...

Thank you rain for pressure washing the side of the van, getting it so very clean and shiny again...

Thank you ocean for showing us your power and your playfulness with snow-like foam flying through the air up and over the roads.

Thank you divine timing that I was not under this tree when it fell. 



Thank you sun for shining bright after the storm, allowing us to dry out, sort through and clean up outside.

Thank you to Cary for having the foresight to put our outdoor electrical white goods on blocks which prevented major damage to them.  The tarps around them blew off, but after they dried out, they were fine to use and we were able to wash and dry many loads of smelly, wet clothes and towels.  Thanks also to Cary for staying awake during the storm to try to keep things secure.  Eventually, we surrendered to nature and let it go.  Thanks for getting up at 3am to start the clean up.  Thanks for your strength and love throughout the process and every other day.

Thank you to the community we live in...everyone just pitches in and helps out wherever and whenever is needed.

Thank you to my children who stayed calm and ready to go at a moments notice if we needed to evacuate.  They each had a backpack ready with some extra clothes, flashlight, water bottle, snack food, phone and a few favourite things in it. (Nicholas had a fever and was a bit emotional but showed a lot of bravery.)  Thank you for helping with the clean up and for being flexible and able to roll with the changes that life presents.

Thank you to the sites online who were providing constant updates on the storm.  It was very helpful until we lost contact with the outside world through phone, internet and tv.

Thank you to the power company for providing electricity throughout the storm.  We were lucky enough to keep ours even though many people in houses around this area lost theirs. 

Thank you to the movie industry for providing us with dvd entertainment which was a good distraction, especially when the wind was howling and the van was shaking.  Ironically, we were watching the disaster movie 2012 about the end of the world when we heard that the storm was coming.  Although the movie was rather ridiculous, it gave us a point of comparison that what we were going through was minor.  We later saw news coverage showing families in other areas that had their homes underwater and were sitting on the roof waiting for rescue.  Yeah, we have no problems.

Thank you for the gift of pressure.  In considering that we may need to evacuate, I was given a chance to consider the most important things to me.  Of course the health and safety of the whole family is the most important, after that, basic survival things (first aid kit, clothes, food etc), a few things to keep us busy (deck of cards, drawing book and pens) and very few material things that were important.  I chose a handful of photos and a few pieces of jewelry.  That all took me less than 10 minutes to pack into my backpack.  As I had extra time to consider if there was anything else, I added in the birth certificates and passports because those things are just a bother to replace, especially as Cary and the kids birth cert's come from the USA.  I looked at everything else and felt no attachment.  I was ready to go.

Thank you for the freedom...we were woken up to the fact that we were living as though we were living in a small house and had built up walls around our outdoor living area, and filled it with a whole lot of stuff.  In removing the walls and ruining a bunch of the stuff that we do not plan on replacing, we feel liberated... more connected to our neighbours and the world around us, both the earth and the sky.  We do plan on replacing the awning, but not the walls.  It has inspired a review of all of the things we have inside of the van as well.  I have a feeling we'll be downsizing in there too.

We have so much to be grateful for, and we are.  I am reminded to be grateful for all of the other wonderful things in my life...extended family, good friends, good coffee, warmth, food, clean water, I could go on and on.   

I hope that you are safe and well and enjoying your day.  Maybe take a moment to think about some of the things that you are especially grateful for...

Growing....

I have a bunch of partially written blog posts that just haven't felt quite right to post.  I doubt I'll get back to them so let me give you the cliff notes here...

I started to write about Christmas...it was the weirdest one ever.  Not because of anything in particular, except maybe the lack of anything extra-ordinary.  Our celebrations of that day has been going through a series of changes over recent years.  There are many things about Christmas that I do not enjoy, and I experience resistance to acting and behaving in a way that the mainstream society thinks that I should just for one day of the year.  I still have some conditioning that thinks I "should" do certain things but this year I didn't do a lot of them.  I still had a lovely day...very relaxed and joyful and playful.  Which is like every other day.  Every day is special to me.  I am full of gratitude for the love and joy in my life!  So maybe every day is like Christmas to me.  I am aware of the gifts within it.  The extraordinary is my "ordinary"!  So why, and how, do I make just one day even more than the others?   I didn't, and I won't.  Every day should be celebrated!

I started a post about my friend Andrew.  He was six weeks older than me and 'the boy next door' for the first 6 years of my life.  We played together, reached those early milestones together, had our first year of school sitting next to each other, and got into all kinds of mischief and fun.  Our mothers remained great friends even though our families gradually saw less and less of each other after we moved away.  He died last month.  I just want to thank him for enriching those early years as my first best friend.

I started some other posts about a variety of things that have been happening, but I'll simplify that into saying that I've made a lot of changes.  I'm getting more efficient with my time in many ways.  I've removed myself from email groups and newsletters, reduced facebook contacts and groups, condensed email accounts and resigned from running the local Natural Learners Homeschooling group.  My focus is my family and being with them in the world.  My online time needs to be efficient and I am much more particular about who is in my In Box, or on my News Feed.  The children are all growing so fast and they want to do a bunch of new things.  My only commitment is to my family and I feel liberated in stepping back from running the homeschool group.  I am grateful for some warm and wonderful friends we have made and will continue to see.

I'm keeping my hair cut kind of short because I really like the feel of it..it's lighter and cooler in the summer heat and I'm over having to do something with my hair when it's longer and hot out.  The way it is now, I really don't have to fuss with it at all besides a quick brush now and again. Yep, efficiency again!  And I think it looks sassy!

I've realised that I love the beach, but I really don't need to swim in the waves.  I used to love to do that, and I still do if they are gentle "floaty" waves.  Anything else, I just don't enjoy.  Which is amazing because I used to spend hours in the waves when I was younger.  I felt free there.  Now, I feel free everywhere!  I felt as though the waves matched my spirit with the ups and downs and turmoil.  Now, I feel much more peaceful inside and I like activities that reflect that.  I totally appreciate that others just love being in the waves, I just don't.  And that is so OK! 

I know I'm changing....I accept that I am "middle-aged"....I am grateful for all of the experiences and people that have woven in and out of my life....and I really, really love who I am and where I am right now!  I like recognising when I've moved through an experience, like having long hair, or wanting to swim in the waves at the beach...and there is no grief, just gratitude for those things, and joy for what comes in its place.  I love growing up and growing older!!!!! 

December...

 

Happy Birthday Sam!

 

 

Sam has wanted to be a redhead for quite a while.  I don't know if it's an influence from her favourite childhood movie, Disney's "The Little Mermaid", or not.  We watched that SO many times...she loved it!

 

 

Little elves...

Christmas morning...

Christmas Eve at the shopping center with a couple of angels...

For Andrew...

You were born 6 weeks before me and were the boy next door.  We crawled together, sucked on the same toys, discovered how to walk together, played together whenever we could, learned to swim together, had our first year at school sitting next to each other.  Our families all crammed into your mum's station wagon many times to go to the beach or on a picnic or to a park and that funny time when we all went to see the Pope and we were supposed to be quiet and listen to the mass but we just ran around all silly at the big oval.  We often got in trouble together, we giggled and thought we were oh so clever.

I remember....and I thank you for those first 6 years of memories before our family moved away.  Although we still saw each other, it grew less frequent with the years.  Our mothers remained close friends and I stayed in touch with you via them.  We lived on opposite sides of the planet and then opposite sides of this country.  Those childhood bonds were faint, but unbroken.  You were my first best friend.

So now you are free...no more pain.  Thank you for the special role you had in my life.  I'll never forget you.

pics...

 

Saw this sign at a coffee shop...love it! 

 

 

 

We sometimes hang out with friends at 'Rainbow Beach'...such a beautiful spot and yes, the sand really is that white.

AJ & Sam...gosh she's looking so grown up! 



 

Nicholas' new eyeballs

 

 

Halloween...making vegan 'eyeball' cupcakes to take to a party..

 

 

AJ thought this sign suited him perfectly!

 

 

                                                                   And ...yeah....

...ha ha ha...  let's not be too serious!

Feeling Love in the face of Fear...

At 8:30 in the morning a couple of weeks ago, I parked my car outside of a jewelry store that was not yet open for trading as I needed to pop in to a place of business just across from there. I know that there was a sign stating that the car parking spots there were for those particular businesses, but I did not think that parking there for two minutes or less before trading would bother anyone. I was a little pressed for time as I had to take my daughter to an appointment so I was trying to be efficient and park close rather than at the back of the building and having to walk around.

The owner of the jewelry store pulled in and parked right behind my car as I was getting out of my car. I will note that there were two other spaces assigned to his particular store. He asked me to see that those parking spaces were ONLY for the shops along that little strip and that, if I was going to the business just across the lane from them, then I would have to go and park around the back. I said "but your shop isn't open yet and I'm going to be no more than two minutes". He didn't care and insisted I move my car. I could have kept going, and maybe even said that, with that attitude, he could be sure that I wouldn't be back there to consider being a customer.

I didn't though. I looked at him and just saw a man that was full of fear.

For one deep moment, I sensed it strongly in him...all of the reasons that he came to have that attitude, so protective of three little car parking spaces, his business, that things would be taken from him. So fear driven.

Before I turned to get back in my car to move it, I smiled at him and said "okay...you have a nice day"...and I meant it. I sent him love, and then I moved my car around the back of the complex. I just knew that the day was unfolding as it should so I said a quiet "thank you" to the Spirit guiding me. I wasn't concerned about being late for my daughter's appointment, I felt that it would all be okay.

I walked back around to drop off the thing that I needed to, which took only a minute, walked back around to my car, and then got green lights all the way to the appointment and actually arrived there early!

Thank you Spirit for guiding me today, for showing me a different way to deal with potential conflict, to not be attached to the physical nature of it, but to see beyond it to the fear driving those actions

Don't judge us...

(...another post that I wrote about 8 months ago, but didn't quite finish...)

We went to an op shop and when we walked in, the lady behind the counter said "isn't there any school today?".  AJ said "we homeschool".  "Oh" is all that the lady said.

We looked around and gathered up some general bits and pieces.  It was an older shop, with manual bookkeeping and the lady serving us wrote the amounts on a piece of paper.  She turned the piece of paper around to AJ and said to him "here!  You do this!".  AJ had been standing next to me, but paying absolutely no attention to what had been going on as he was looking at something else.  He said gently "what?".  The lady demanded "you do this!".  AJ again "what?".  I said to him "she wants you to do this sum for her".  The lady quickly said "well!  He said he homeschooled...I thought I'd have some fun with him!".  I said "he doesn't have to do that".  She said "I guess he's not up to that then." (Inferring that he didn't know how to do the sum.)  If I hadn't already paid, I would have walked out right then.  I was a little in shock to be treated like that.  And who thinks that forcing children to do math is FUN???!!!  Of course AJ could have done that if he had wanted to.  Who was SHE to test my child?!

Summer took something over to our neighbour at home.  When she didn't return soon after, I went looking for her.  I saw Summer and our neighbour outside talking to some other people.  I went over, chatted briefly and then left with Summer.  She told me that our neighbour had been asking Summer about school..."how's your schooling going?"..."how's your long division?"  WHAT???!!!  Excuse me...I was tempted to go back and ask her how HER long division is?!! 

What is it about homeschooling that makes some people suddenly become the judge and jury for our children?  Why do they think they have the right to test our children?  Why is the ability to do math a benchmark for the kind of people my children are?  Ask them what are they excited about?  Ask them are they happy?  Better off, don't ask them....just observe them...see how they can talk to anyone without peer restrictions....see how they stop in the middle of a crowded shopping center to rescue a dragonfly that has somehow been trapped inside...see how they jump in and help with a wide range of household tasks....see how they can work together and help each other...see how they know how to ask for things that they want and help in finding creative solutions to achieving those things...see the joy in them when they "get" a new concept because it actually makes sense to them, not because they were forced to learn it.

....I was a bit fired up when I wrote that!  Several months later,  I think I'm a little more forgiving towards others now who get a bit nosy.   Perhaps it's their ignorance, or maybe they are just interested in how homeschooling actually works and assume it's just like school, but at home (it is like that for some families, but not us),  and they are curious about how that works because maybe they would have loved that for themselves.  I still will not tolerate my children being disrespected, but I am curious about why people behave the way that they do.  We don't face these kinds of situations very often, but we're getting better about turning it around when we do.  If a shop assistant asks one of my children to do a sum again, we'll say...very gently...."do you need help with it?".  Or instead of answering a question outright, like the long-division situation, we'll just turn it right around and say something like (gently) "why do you want to know?....Do you need help with your long division?", or just say something random like "oh that is so much fun to do!".  I want my kids to be respectful and to maintain their joy.  I am amazed by how naturally they do both when treated with respect and allowed the freedom to express their joy! 

Before Speaking...

I have often found smalltalk...well, a little challenging. There are some people that it just seems easy with, the conversation just seems to flow. We connect and can talk about any subject either lightly or in depth.  Some others though, I find myself scratching for something to talk about, sometimes finding myself saying things that just seem 'not right' for me. Afterwards I might think "why on earth did I say that?". I assume that the other person might think that I am not interested or even maybe not interesting if I don't have a lot to say. It's getting to the point where I am preferring to avoid some social settings so I don't have to be involved in conversations that seem the same repetition of meaningless drivel. (too harsh?)

I am very comfortable with myself and with my silence...when I'm by myself. I'm learning to be comfortable maintaining that in a social situation. I love this quote by Sai Baba:

"Before Speaking, Ask Yourself:

Is It Kind?

Is It Necessary?

Is It True?

Does It Improve On The Silence?"

I choose to live this! 

However the question does arise...just what DO you speak about in random social situations?  Do you really have to say anything if you don't feel inspired?  Other people may feel uncomfortable and say unkind things behind my back.  Who knows...maybe they already do?!  What others think of me in none of my business!  I can only be in control of ME....my state of mind....my inner peace....my balance...  and when I can do that, I believe that I will radiate the Love and Peace and Joy that I am feeling.

I found this other great article on 7 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Speak if you are interested in another opinion.  Worth a look!

.... I actually wrote that post earlier this year.  I've grown quite a bit since then and I no longer judge myself for what I do or don't say.  Wow!  I had forgotten that I used to do that!  It was great to read this post and see how far I've come!

Swell times....

I just found the draft of this post sitting in my post list.  I started it ages ago and was going to put a bunch of photos on it but I was having trouble with Picasa so I put it aside and, well, I didn't get back to it and I'm still not happy with Picasa so I'll just post it as it is.  I am toying with the idea of posting on here more regularly again so there may be more pics more often. 

 

 

Nicholas at roller skating

 

 

The next photos are a few that I took at the recent local SWELL sculpture exhibition which is held annually along a beach near us.  The WOW sculpture was very popular with photographers...

 

The kids liked the whale fin sculpture...

 

But their favourites were the series of five little people that were made by our friend, Leonie Rhodes..

.



 

 

lessons...

As we walked to the beach a little after 8am, we saw several children walking the other way, to the school down the road.  We were going to an entirely different classroom.

Golden sand, clear, gentle waves, water that was just a tad crisp as you first entered, but quickly got used to, and some major bonuses....a family of whales, close in, playing....lots of fin slapping and breaching...beautiful!  Then we noticed a dolphin swimming even closer, going in the other direction to the whales.  Knowing that they are rarely alone, we soon saw the larger pod following behind.   AJ and I climbed up the rocks of the breakwall so we could get a better view of the dolphins and to the whales....such a gift!  AJ declared it "the best day EVER!" 

Yoga on the beach, making massive sand castles, more swimming....our morning 'lessons' were heartfelt, expansive and memorable.  Such is our life...

Bliss...

ahhhhh...yesss.....this is my absolute favourite time of the year....well, now and the next six months or so.   mmm...the sun...the surf...the warmth...so very sensual!

Yesterday we had our first good swim in the surf for the season!  The weather is warm and dry though the humidity is starting to build. I hope the wet season gets a late start this year.  Oh my golly...the beaches here are so freaking beautiful!!  So clean, so clear, the water changing from turquoise to a darker blue where it gets deeper, the pale gold sand oh so soft.   And never crowded.   I know I've raved about the beaches here before, but they still delight me....and I appreciate being here more than words can say.

After our play at the beach yesterday, we walked across the road back to our home....got dressed...had a simple dinner....and then sat out the front of our place.  The boys playing with friends around us, Sam chatting with us about some of the facebook posts that were coming through on her news feed, Cary enjoying a cigar, and me sipping a cointreau & ice.  We watched the blue sky get slowly darker, and the stars appear.  We lit a couple of candles and stayed out there, chatting to each other, and to neighbours as they passed by, totally enjoying our family just being together, the warm night, the perfection of the moment.  The kind of moment you want to bottle, but you know you can't so you just savour every single part of it.

It's school holidays at the moment so the park we live in has loads of extra kids.  Our boys are out and playing as soon as they get up, and they keep going until dark, often bringing new friends back here for a while, or grabbing a quick bite before heading out again. 

When I lived in Australia before I moved to the USA, I always thought I'd end up living in this state when I decided to settle down, but I thought I'd be further north.  I never even considered this area as it has a reputation for being touristy, glitzy and too busy.  I had not spent time on the southern end of this stretch which is where we have lived mostly for the last 4.5 years.  It's nothing like the glitzy, busy area just 30 minutes north of us, but is like a laid-back beach town.    It is such a fantastic place to be....not just for the beautiful beaches, or the lush hinterland close by, or the sub-tropical weather, or all of the great facilities - libraries, shops, theme parks, wildlife sanctuary, ...I could go on and on...  but also, every school holidays, the city council provides tons of free or low-cost activities for kids of all ages.  Actually, they have activities for people of all ages throughout the year (including free yoga and tai chi classes at local parks).  But they really step it up during school holidays.  Sam goes to a place that is dedicated to youth (ages 12-25).  They have free activities all day every Monday to Friday and provide free lunch as well.  Activities like painting classes, tie-dying, dragon boating, football, cooking, jewelry making, candle making, swimming, etc.   Luckily, that place is only a few km's from our place, so she can easily go there every day. 

There are lots of activities for the boys to choose from at different locations around the coast.  This morning they went to a free stand-up paddleboarding and sand games play activity for a couple of hours.  Had a blast!    Afterwards, I went to the grocery store by myself for a few things.  The checkout operator rolled her eyes and said "school holidays - so many kids around!".  I said with a huge grin "I know...isn't it fantastic!!".  She thought I was nuts, but I just thought about how much I love my kids, and I love being with them, and I love that we live in a way that they have lots of other kids to play with.  I used to think about moving further away, on a little farm, but I think I like being around other people too much to do that....ok, and the beach too!

something else

We are all about ready for a change.  We do appreciate what we have here and now, we're just ready for something...else.

We're not sure quite what at the moment and we are discussing several possibilities.  Change depends on a couple of things that we cannot control, before we can do the something else.

Maybe we just need to shake everything out and see where the dust settles.  Maybe we just need a shift in attitude.

In the meantime, we are keeping busy.  The kids and I started going roller skating every week with some friends.  Gotta say...I was a little nervous after not having skated for 30 years, but it all came back to me and I'm loving it!  We meet with our Natural Learners homeschool group once a week which is always a great day.   Which sounds kind of ho-hum, but it really is such a great day....the kind where we all come home feeling nourished and nurtured and part of a community that values respect for all ages.  The kind of community that feels like all the very best bits of family.  The kind of family where you can chat all day and still have lots left to talk about.   

I know that I am lucky to have this wonderful, supportive group on this journey.  I know that others don't have that, and that places like facebook are really great for a lot of people (I'm really not against fb).  Even my own daughter loves fb for staying in touch with her friends, and it's been great for her.  I like being able to keep in touch with a wide variety of friends and family in one place.  My niece is in Spain for a year and it great to see photos of her travels and hear snippets of her adventures as they unfold.  So many other little snippets from my 'friends'.  Warm, wonderful insights....funny little jokes....mini milestones to celebrate....big and little things that don't go the way we thought they would.  Sure, there are some lonely people out there that use facebook to post many little moments of their day, others use it to build a following to then promote a business.  But overall, I see the place it has filled for many people.  I am just grateful that I have such a wonderful bunch of people around me that I connect with, mostly in 'real' life, but also on those odd moments when I turn on the computer.

The kids have been watching docos on different aspects of the USA - early history, and current docos on different states.  They love to stay in touch with that part of them.

Sama and I have been going to the Curves gym for a few months.  Haven't lost a pound or any inches, but we are feeling fitter and a bit stronger so that's something.  Sam is finding strength in other areas of her life... we recently got the annual passes to three of the big theme parks around here (too good a deal to pass up).  We had seen a new roller coaster at Movie World when we had passed it on the highway.  'The Green Lantern' looked pretty scary and we weren't sure we wanted to try it.  Deciding to face our fears one day, Sam and AJ went on it then I went on it with Sam, then she went on it three more times!  Then, she and I went on the 'Superman' ride which we never wanted to face before, but we did it, laughing most of the way when we could get our breath cause that thing is SuperFast!!  oh my!  I think I like The Green Lantern better actually and look forward to more rides on that.  There's just one more of the big roller coasters that we need to conquer, but we wanted to save that one for another day.

We did a big spring clean here today, took all of about 2 hours for a thorough job!  I still love living simply!

Feeling blessed....totally loving the warm spring weather we've been having, and quiet moments lying in the sun, and fun moments playing along the beach, and so very much more!  The warm, sunny weather energises me so much on so many levels!  So much gratitude right now....

Ah yeah...random stuff...

I can totally understand how facebook and twitter took over from bloggers.  Often, when I used to blog kind of regularly, I would get snippets of insights that I thought I could build on for a post.  Often, as was proven by my lack of blogging, I did not keep up with those insights, and those little snippets drifted off into some mysterious never never.

And I'm okay with that.

I don't deny the facebookers and twitterers their joy, but I just can't get into posting every single insight or morning menu or exercise milestone, into cyberworld.  It's just not me.  I 'get' why others do it, and I'm not judging them.  I understand that posting on those forums is a form of community, or marketing, but I do question when one appears to post for the former, when in fact it's the latter.

I could post that my daughter just had a cute haircut, or that I'm sooo loving the warm, dry spring weather, and appreciating that before the summer wet weather comes, or that Cary's back is still giving him pain but he's in pretty good spirits despite that, or that AJ just had a huge growth spurt and we had to buy him some new clothes, or that Nicholas responded beyond anyone's maturity when a friend insulted him.  Do you really care that I just had my first dental filling in 33 years or that I'm sipping on a cocktail as I watch the sunset??  There are so many little moments that could be recorded on facebook, but honestly, I'm too busy living in those moments to write about them then and there.

And so it is with this blog.  I just do not have the urge or the inclination to write like I used to.   I'm okay with that, too.  It will continue to be updated randomly...about whatever, whenever.

I went to a very nice shopping center the other day.  It's huge and it has all of the big department stores and it has many smaller stores as well.  (I know that Australian's usually say "shops" instead of "stores", but, after living in the USA for 13 years, I prefer some of their sayings, including "stores"...and  while - not whilst - we are on the subject, I will not ever have "tea", but I will always have "dinner...unless I'm at someone else's home who prefers "tea" to "dinner").   Just as a sidebar....It's 12:06am....the boys in the family are all asleep...my daughter is on a conference call with some of her girlfriends...I had a coffee today so I'm still up and powering on!  Yeah, I'm sensitive to caffeine...should I post that on facebook?  

Anyway, back to the shopping center....I looked around at the clientele...so many of the women had the 'nice' hair and clothes and bling.  As I walked towards my old car in the carpark, a stunning young woman drove off in her brand new BMW SUV....I wished for her that she was happy....the long-term kind of happy...not the "oh I just love my new car and new hair-do" kind, but the "I am so grateful for all that I have" kind.  I thought of people that I know that appear to have a lot of neat "stuff", but are just not happy.  And I felt very grateful for my simple life, my close family, my freedom, my lack of debt, my flexibility, my love, my breath.  

Today we went to a big garage sale at a local school.  Again I was grateful for the way we live as I was just not tempted to look beyond anything we might need.  Although I had just bought new clothes for the boys, I kept an eye out for anything else they might like (they are both very fussy and have particular styles).  But you know what?  When I lived in a house, I would just look for stuff that we may - or may not - use...just because we had the space.  Now, I only look for stuff that we absolutely can use.  Because space is a huge issue and nothing comes in here that is going to be wasted or not loved.  I will say that I bought another rat cage - for $5 (should I put that on facebook?).  It is a large cage but a little smaller than the big one we have, so I thought it would be a good one to take camping with us.  Yeah, we have three rats, and yes, we love them.  Rodents are awesome!

Speaking about space and cool stuff, I could post that I just bought a milk frother thingy (oh dang, I forgot to mention that on facebook!), so I can make my own mocha soy lattes at home and save $5 a pop.  The kids tried it out with making hot chocolates and thought it was the BEST hot chocolate ever.  So that's a keeper.

I  have a bunch of other partially written blog posts that I just haven't finished, and maybe I won't, and yeah, I'm okay with that.  So while I'm on here catching up with random stuff under a caffeine buzz, I'll try to fill you in on some recent happenings...

Our daughter has decided to go back to her birth name.  After being called 'Summer', at her request, for the past five years, she is now wanting to be called 'Sam'.  Not 'Sami', which she was for her first 9 years.  Gotta say, it's a bit tricky, but she's okay with me calling her 'Sama', which is almost a combination of Summer and Sam, and the first four letters of her legal name.  She is a real girly girl...she loves clothes and her friends and the beach.

AJ is discovering his individuality and sense of self....He is loving playing the online game / program of 'Minecraft'; he likes t-shirts that are quirky / funny (not beachy or muso related).  He no longer likes to play with Nicholas in 'imagination' type games, but he still loves books that are all about facts.  Gosh, that boy is so deep and wide sometimes, he is like the ocean, or maybe Space,  with the way his mind works.

Ok, so the thing that happened with Nicholas.....he had a slightly older, schooled, friend over.  He and his friend were drawing and the friend decided to write something and sign it from the both of them.  He asked Nicholas how to spell his name.  Nicholas replied that he did not know how (come on...he recently turned 7 and that used to be kind of young to do academic stuff...anyway, in our world, the child is free to unfold at his/her own pace and to learn in their own way).  He told the friend to ask me as I would know.  The friend said "no offence, but it's kind of bad to have a friend that doesn't know how to spell their own name".  Nicholas didn't miss a beat...he shrugged his shoulders and said "no offence taken".  Wow!  He totally understood what his friend meant, but he didn't buy into it, he knows that he will learn what he needs to learn, when he needs to learn it.  Now he knows how to write his name, but it has never occurred to him to name each individual letter to "spell it out" for someone else.  I'm sure he will know that soon enough, but that boy's sense of confidence and joy is such a huge lesson for ME!

Sama is still on the phone to her friends, and my caffeine buzz is starting to wear off.  Cary just got up and reminded me that it's 1am now.  Probably time that I start winding down.  Maybe I'll go look at facebook and see what my friends are doing!  Oh, does that make me a lurker, if I read but don't post...is that kind of weird?  What.ever. 
I do hope you are all happy and healthy and loving living your lives as fully as you wish.

 In Joy  xo

Lightening...

I cut my hair very short.  I just didn't want to be bothered with it anymore.  I've gradually been going a bit shorter for a while, but I got to the point where I could really understand why some women, and men, shave their heads.  The feeling of freedom and lightness...of projecting a different image of yourself that is less based on how you look.  I've never been one to fuss with my hair, but it was definitely a part of my personal image.  I'm getting older, and I want to find a new image that suits this stage of my life.

Yeah, it's different, but I like it for now.  Just for fun, I bought a box of hair colour from the health food store.  My hair goes darker during the winter and I don't really like that.  So the colour I bought was supposed to turn my hair "golden blonde"...instead, it went kind of orange.  Oh well, it will grow out.  I have a bunch of grey hair and the new colour covered them up.  Surprisingly, I missed the grey.  I didn't miss the darker colour though.
The letting go had a ripple effect.  I pulled out a couple of boxes of files.  Some of which I'd been carting around with me since I was a teenager.  A lot of notes from books I'd read, insights I'd had, goals at different times in my life, poems, old receipts, old brochures from companies I had wanted to support.  I over-filled a shopping bag with bits of these papers that I no longer needed or wanted.  We also have a lot more scrap paper now, using the other side of some of the papers I was getting rid of. It felt good to get rid of them. 

It is as though we slough off layers....and then things settle for a bit...and then it's time for another layer to go. 

It is so nice to live with just the things we use, or really like.  To get rid of excess.  In some ways, I kind of miss having a bit more home space.  I don't miss extra housework, I don't miss extra "stuff", but every now and then, just a little more space, another table, or shelf, or cupboard, would be really nice.  Mainly because of the kids and their projects.  It's all good though.  I have so much to be grateful for right now.

Permission and Love...

Beautiful breakthrough....to a greater awareness and acceptance of my past.  An enormous feeling of relief and peace...moving to a new place where I GIVE MYSELF PERMISSION to feel good, right now.  In healing my past, I feel expanded in my present.  Lighter, fuller..

Now I am contemplating Love - in its pure form, unconditional.  How many people have experienced this?  Perhaps at times, maybe as a very young child from our mothers, before we started doing the 'wrong' thing and being punished and having love withheld at times because of our actions - often stemming from just not knowing how to play the game.   Maybe from a new friend or lover in the early stages before little irritations became bigger ones.  Maybe from a best friend if we are lucky enough to have one of those.  When we experience moments of unconditional love, it's a glimpse into possibility, infinity even, but the sheer fact that that kind of love didn't or doesn't last at that level surely makes it a conditional love.

Given the nature of humans as we traipse through this existence, it's a pretty safe thing to say that the only person you can ever rely on, is yourself.  You may have a fantastic relationship with your partner and think that you know them inside and out, but to be on the same wavelength 100% of the time, is extremely rare dontcha think?  Are there times when those little irritations get in the way, or they appear distant, or you want a little more space?  All natural.  I'm just trying to grasp what relationship based on unconditional love, would actually look and feel like.

Want to know what I think?  I don't think you can experience that with anyone else.....

....until you have it for and with yourself.

How would your life be different right now, if you gave yourself permission...to love yourself unconditionally?  No guilt, no regrets, no apologies, no holding back approval of yourself....just acceptance....and peace....and feeling oh so good with this very moment, every single moment? 

What kind of person would you be if you stopped judging yourself and just filled those spaces with loving yourself?

Seven!!!

My baby recently turned 7!!!  Of course I know he is not a 'baby' anymore, but he is my youngest child.
With those big-boy teeth, he sure doesn't look like a baby anyway.

On his birthday morning, with "the girls", our three pet rats.  AJ still has his Rosie.  Nicholas' rat Ratsta died last month (she was THE BEST pet rat ever!!!).  After a few weeks, Rosie seemed a little lonely so we went to get another rat but ended up with two more.  Nicholas chose Cupcake - a dark grey rat with a white heart-shaped spot on her chest (which we didn't discover until after we'd come home).  She is hiding in his shirt in the above photo.  Summer chose Sally - a little tan coloured sweetie.

Our little tough guys!

The Absence of Calm

Stress.  Oh yes.  It just creeps up on me. 

It's not that my life is overly stressful, although being a parent 24/7, taking care of the kids and the home and with Cary away.... there is just an absence of calm.

I try...deep breathing...walks along the beach with the kids...living simply...but it just is there, underlying everything else.  Waiting to rear its ugly head.  Proving that I still have work to do.  That life still grates me when I let it, when I don't remember to be the calm within the storm.

I love my life, I do.  I feel grateful.  But I just can't get on top of it at the moment, and I feel as though it's weighing me down.  I get overwhelmed so easily, and there always seems to be too much to do.

....a week later...

With our small space, we have to be very efficient, but there was always a mess lately which just did my head in. I see now that I created a situation that had a sheer absence of calm. The stress wasn't always great, but it was constant.

I am grateful to have very forgiving children, and to have the awareness now of what was going on. I don't think it was all in my mind though. I think it was also my chemistry. I haven't been eating properly - I often skip meals, or suddenly realise that I am hungry and then eat something quick. After talking to my naturopath and some other people, I also realise that I have just not been having enough protein. I think I have a sugar addiction. My naturopath suggested that I go a couple of weeks on a high protein diet, pretty much eliminating carbs for that time. The idea freaked me out and I refused at first.   I also realised that the coffee's I've been enjoying lately were actually making me more stressed and even quite cranky at times as it pushed me over the edge. So I went to the opposite extreme and had a couple of scotch's, and I totally mellowed.

I don't want to get back into a drinking habit, but I do need to change things here. I need to change my eating habits is a big part of it. When Cary gets back next week, Summer and I are going to join the Curves gym and start working out. Plus I'm just not doing as much extra stuff for a couple of weeks so that we can try and work on some things around here. We've been sorting through a lot of stuff from storage and trying to fit more of it in here for the kids and figuring out what to donate.

We've made so many changes to simplify our lives, but there is still the mental conditionings to overcome. God, why can't I just remember?! I cruise along, and then I hit a bunch of potholes and it throws me off.    I am so sick of the cycle.  I'm ready to do it differently.

freedom, flexibility and adventure...

While we were on our trip, someone remarked to me "you're so flexible!".  I hadn't really thought about it but..Yes... yes I am. She was referring to my ability to adapt to change easily, to pack lightly and sleep anywhere. I used to wonder if it was because I have a lack of commitment to things.  Not as much with people, but I can lose interest in places and activities fairly easily.  I don't finish things.  I get overwhelmed.  I get fired up for something but if I don't have a good response, I just let it go.

Which is probably why the traveling life suits me so well!  A constant smorgasbord of experiences and people...always keeping it interesting...keeping me stimulated.

But is that really what it is?  I've been thinking about this a lot.... maybe it's also a safety thing. 

Safety in that it keeps me from getting too attached...and it decreases the possibility of loss or hurt or rejection.  I have experienced a LOT of that in my life and I want to limit that for the time I have left.  So I try and stay ahead of it...I leave before I get too close to someone, or too involved in some project.  When I start feeling overly sensitive to the things going on around me, then I start to feel the call of the road...time to move on.  A rolling stone, a gypsy, a free spirit.

So what if it is a self-preservation thing?  It's also an adventure thing.

Years ago, as an almost-14 year old girl, my father announced that we were moving from our beautiful home in Sydney, to the Central Coast (1.5 hours north).  I. was. devastated!  The boy I'd had a crush on since I was 8 had just moved into our street, I had a great group of friends at school, I felt safe and very confident in getting around by myself.  I had imagined the fun that my friends and I were going to have through our teen years, and I thought that one day, I would leave from that house with a wedding gown on.  Oh yeah....it was all planned in my mind!  Maybe we could talk Dad out of that idea...out of the promotion that he had been offered.  Couldn't he see that staying in Sydney would be better for ME?!  no.  Through my anger and my tears, I realised that I was powerless and had no choice but to move.  I hated feeling powerless!  At my new school I ran with the "bad girls", I got into trouble...messy and awful and in hindsight totally stupid.  But I didn't care.  I was 14 and angry and I wanted everyone to know it!

Eventually, I came to realise that "this too, shall pass".  I realised that I wouldn't be powerless forever.  I was not far away from being able to drive and the feeling of Freedom that that thought gave me, was very empowering.  I decided to just make the most of the time I was there.  I played music.  Loud!  I made new friends, but I held back a little.  I went to the beach, I flirted, I worked part time, I did well in school until I realised that no one really cared about that so I slacked off.  I didn't want to be at home, so I went out whenever I could.  I experienced a lot of different people and places and realised that the move to that area, had given me the gift of a taste for adventure!  As soon as I had my drivers license, I went to all kinds of places by myself or with friends.  I found a very quiet beach in a national park that hardly anyone went to.  I would lay there, naked, feeling more free than I had ever felt in my life!   So at peace...so in touch with Spirit...and myself.  I went there every chance that I could.

I think that the move with my family when I was a teenager put me on a fast-track for growth that may have taken me years to achieve if I had stayed in Sydney.  Maybe it made me a totally different person.  Maybe I wouldn't have been so restless if I had never left Sydney, but I also wouldn't have been as brave.

Who says that not sticking with something is a bad thing?  Maybe I just realise quickly when something is just not in alignment with me...at that time.   That has happened, but I've had a taste, and come back for more later, at another time which felt more right.  It doesn't matter.  I am sick of judging myself and thinking that I "should" do things.  There are enough other people doing that in regard to my life and their own.  I choose to be gentle with myself.  I choose to give as much of myself to a person or a situation without apologising....with the possibility of being hurt, or having it not work, because every single thing that I do, is an opportunity for me to be Authentic.  Whether that is giving everything I have, or backing off for a while....it's Me.   And seeing myself as whole -  I have a better view....

I am a diamond....many different sides and together, they make me shine ever so brightly!

going deeper on the road

I feel like I missed an important part when talking about our road trip in my previous post.

I spent most of the trip embracing a feeling of richness...of expansion...of freedom.  I was in a state of Joy! 

There is something about driving along the highway, with all of those windows around me, that makes me feel like I am a part of that wider view.  It makes me feel larger.  I makes me feel like anything is possible. 

Traveling lightly gives me additional freedom to release attachment and to Be in the moment.  I am reminded to Trust...that anything I don't have with me, and may need...will be provided.  That doesn't necessarily mean that someone magically appears and says "oh, you're cold...here is a blanket" (though that has happened).  But that the opportunity to fill a need will be made clear and will perhaps bring with it other bonuses as well.  It's like treasures appear when we are open to having our needs met in unexpected places (or even in expected places).  And the treasures might not be material things...they might be experiences. And we might not even recognise the need until it is staring us in the face.

I could talk about the time when we went looking for an information center for a map and found a delightful environmental center, or when we went to the op shop to get some warmer gear and were treated better than we would have been at a fancy high-end store, or the friendly bus driver we met who took extra time to explain where I needed to go, even though there was a long line waiting behind me, or the wonderful time we had with our family along the way and the gems of memories that we co-created, or the amazing time we had with the new friends we met at the camp.  I had met a few of the other campers at a previous conference, and it was wonderful to see them again and make new friends...friends that really understand us, that we just connected instantly with.  Yes, so many treasures!

The way that Summer connected with the teens at the camp made it obvious to me that she needs more of that.  Unfortunately, she hasn't made quite the same degree of connection here, as she did there.  The trip has helped me to become more aware of that need for her, and more understanding of the type of person and activities that interest her.  We will be trying different groups and options in this area and other areas and seeing what treasures we come across in the process. 

There were a few times on the trip when my shadow side showed itself.  When I was tired, overwhelmed or hungry.  It wasn't often, and I soon recognised why I wasn't feeling so positive.  It's okay...I'm not going to beat myself up or feel guilty because I slipped.  We all do.  I've realised it's impossible to stay "Up" all of the time.  I think that 47 years on this roller coaster of Life has helped me to appreciate so much.  Especially the little moments, the connections with real people, being in nature, living outside of walls, living in a community - our tribe - even if just for a little while.  Yes, I choose to feel so rich with the joy and with gratitude of each experience.